Stuck
by Tabitha craft
Summary: Post prom AU dealing with the aftermath. A bit dark to begin with, this is really Joey's story. I am P/J but this is about more than romance. Please keep reviewing and thanks for all the feedback! Epilogue part three up - I apologise for not saying sooner but there is a character death in this part. Thanks for pointing that out 1trueluv:-) Epilogue's finally finished! Please review
1. Chapter 1

**This fiction is very different. It starts off pretty dark, but things progress. I found it very interesting to write. I have two endings in mind and may very well post them both. I need feedback with this one guys so if you read please review - even one word Describing what you think!**

**thanks Tab**

**Chapter One**

Looking out of the window, that was partially obscured by condensation, Joey sighed. Her life was not the life she'd wanted for herself. It was not the life she'd dreamt of as she worked on extra credit projects, stayed up late doing additional homework, and doing every humiliating thing she could think of that might earn a scholarship, including the chauvinistic beauty pageant and those memorable dance lessons. What was it Miss Pretty had said, '_the dancing doesn't lie?_' And something about enough electricity to fuel a Kiss reunion tour. Well if only Miss Pretty could see her now. Joey didn't have any electricity. It had been shut off when she failed to pay the bill. Turning away from the window she tugged the blanket more firmly about herself. Whether she felt motivated or not she had to get moving.

Looking at the small one bedroom apartment with no furniture she yet again felt like crying. But Bessie had been clear when Joey had explained that she wasn't going to Worthington. She'd provide Joey with a fifteen percent share of the B&B takings after expenses, but Joey was on her own. As it turned out, Joey sucked at being on her own. The summer hadn't been so bad. Tips at the diner where she'd taken a job were good. Jen, Jack and Dawson had still been around and she'd still pretended she was going to Worthington. Now it was her, the weight of her sisters disappointment like a noose around her neck, and all of her friends gone. And Pacey - gone of course. Furious tears burnt her eyes at the mere thought of his name and so she pushed thoughts of him out of her head and headed to the shower, which would probably be cold.

She stripped off in the semi darkness and stepped under the luke warm spray. After a few moments standing seemed to be just to much and she sunk to the floor, her body heaving with the force of her tears. She knew there was a name for it, a word that encompassed this black hole she'd fallen into - depression. She wondered whether the child she carried would be born with tears in it's eyes and sadness in it's soul. She didn't like to think about that or the child in general. Having never suffered from depression, the grip of this beast upon her was unexpected and all consuming. There didn't seem to be a way out from the gloominess, a way back to order, to control, to happiness. When the water droplets turned cold she eventually turned off the water and dried and dressed herself. She stood in the small kitchen with it's five cupboards and knew she should eat. But she didn't want to eat. She took a banana from the meagre fruit bowl convincing herself she'd eat it at break.

* * *

Work was slow which meant tips were slow which meant she'd have to dip into savings to restore electricity. Though one could argue she didn't really need it, not yet. Of course when she had the baby she'd make sure she had it then, but now when the heating ran off gas and the fridge was empty and she merely sat there of an evening, or else curled up on the floor. Really what was the point.

'Joey,' her sisters voice. She looked at her big sister with tired eyes.

'Hmmm,' she didn't even attempt a smile.

'Oh my god Joey..you're pregnant!?' Bessie's eyes had apparently seen her stomach.

'Why did you think I wasn't at Worthington? Oh yeah, I was throwing away my dream for some boy.'

'Thats not fair Joey, you never said you were pregnant.'

'You didn't give me a chance to explain. You yelled so loud. I even said the words but you didn't hear them.'

'A lot of stuff was said that day,' Bessie said and Joey frowned at the memory. It was three days before she was due to go to Worthington. The others had already left and Joey approached her sister between the checkout of one lot of guests and the check in of the next lot. She'd began apologetically, explaining she wasn't going to go, but she'd got no further. Bessie had just combusted on her. Accused Pacey of messing with her, told her he wouldn't be coming back - not for her. Told her she was throwing it all away. She'd even brought up how disappointed their mother would be. It was true Joey had acknowledged. Their mother would have been sad and disappointed at her youngest daughters fate. Even Bessie had chosen a guy who wanted her, but not Joey. She'd chosen someone who now hated her - vehemently. Joey had stated her rather bad and untimely news but Bessie was to busy kicking her out to listen. Apparently grown up decisions meant she was a grown up and if she was, then she could fend for herself. She knew what Bessie was trying to do - tough love, but Joey didn't go back to her sister and her sister didn't seek her out. It had been two months since they'd been stood face to face.

'My old school friend Marin, she said she'd seen you working here,' Bessie sat at the counter and Joey poured her a coffee.

'Oh,' she began to refill the salt and peppers.

'Does Pacey know?'

'Pacey doesn't care,' she responded looking at her tables which were all fine.

'Shouldn't he?'

'I don't know where he is and I don't care.'

'Don't give me that Joey, of course you care.'

'I'm a statistic Bes. I'm eighteen and pregnant and alone. He's off sleeping his way around the seven seas, not thinking about me, the girl who makes him feel like nothing. I don't care,' she stopped what she was doing to emphasize the last words.

'Have you told your friends?'

'What's the point? They're off living their lives. I'm here. Existing.'

'You sound depressed Joey,' Bessie frowned in concern.

'I am depressed Bessie. Wouldn't you be? Weren't you?'

'It wasn't great but I had Bodie, friends.'

'Well I don't.'

'You can come back to the B&B,' Bessie offered.

'Why? Because suddenly you care?'

'I've always cared. I just didn't want to see you make the biggest mistake of your life.'

'Problem was I already had,' Joey mused wryly.

'So what are you going to do about it? Languish away in this place until the baby is born and then what?'

'I don't know,' Joey flinched at the words. 'I just...can't seem to... You know...'

'Joey, you need to go to a doctor, you need to get treatment for this depression and you need to take responsibility.'

'I have a small apartment, I have a job,' Joey defended.

'And after the kid's born? What then?'

'Then I'm destitute,' Joey laughed bitterly. 'I thought I might start a cleaning service. Put the kid in one of those carriers and just clean other peoples big houses.'

'That's not a life plan. You know Jo, you have brains, maybe use them.'

'No assistant job pays enough to cover child care. Every which way I look at it I'm screwed. I'm writing a novel about it. I titled it "_I'm screwed_."'

'Joey,' Bessie was shocked, Joey could tell but what did she care.

'I need to go refill coffee,' she picked up the pot and gestured to the room before walking off with it.

'Give me your address Jo?' Bessie asked when her sister returned.

'So you can call over and tell me how it's not good enough?'

'No, I just want to make sure you're ok, know where you are.'

'Little late for that.'

'We're sisters, it should never be too late,' Bessie said but Joey just rolled her eyes.

* * *

The room was completely pitch black. Joey was lying on her back on the living room floor. She was cold, but then again she was nearly always cold now the snow had come. She put her hands on the small swell of her stomach and wondered about the child inside. Would it hate her like it's father did. Would she make the child despair their very existence. Would she love it? Would the love need to be learnt or would it just be there? Could she be a good mother to a child that was half Pacey, especially when she'd failed so terribly at being his girlfriend? Was Pacey missing her or was he fucking a girl at that moment? Maybe he was sat in the moonlight, drinking a beer and laughing with friends. He was probably somewhere warm. Would his eyes be twinkling, she wondered, at something somebody said and would he smile that smile of his, the one that just lit up his face? Could he still smile that smile when she didn't have any smiles of her own left? Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to fall asleep. It was better than thinking anyway.

* * *

'Oh she didn't,' Joey glared at the door that Doug Witter had just pushed through, in his full cop kit as well. He looked a little ill at ease as he nodded at her and made his way to the same counter seat Bessie had occupied. Joey continued to prepare the next brew of coffee as if he wasn't there.

'Long time no see Joey,' he stated but she continued to ignore him. 'Bessie bumped into me at the grocery store, told me to look in on you. Said you had a message for Pacey.'

'I don't have any message for your brother. My sister is mistaken,' Joey growled.

'I know my brother was a grade A asshole to you at prom but I'm sure he'd love to know how your doing.'

'Just swell,' she gave him a fake smile and rolled her eyes in irritation.

'Stop a second Joey and just talk to me,' Doug implored and reluctantly she stopped and gave him her attention. 'I understand something about depression. More than the rest of you know, but you can get through it.'

'Hmmm, maybe in another few months I will be through it,' she sighed, 'or maybe it's mine for life.' Doug stared at her for a moment trying to work out what she meant and then his eyes zeroed in on the small bump, not really obvious but there none the less.

'You're pregnant,' he stated.

'I'm pregnant.'

'I'm gay,' the word was flung form him.

'You're _gay_?' her eyes shot up and she actually smiled.

'Wow, that's the first time I've ever said that,' Doug looked around him anxiously.

'You came out to me?' she gave him a shy smile. The first genuine smile to grace her face for months,

'I think the shock may have done you some good,' he chuckled. 'Does my brother know?' Doug switched the conversation track again.

'No. Just. Bessie and you.'

'Well my little secret is just you and please keep it that way for now.'

'Of course,' she reached across and put a hand on his and then took it and held it for a moment, 'sorry, I haven't touched anyone since the others left for college.' She let go of his hand and poured him a coffee.

'Pacey would be here in a heartbeat if he knew,' he told her.

'I don't want him here,' Joey shook her head and took in Doug's surprise. 'Pacey made it very clear how he feels about me, how I make him feel. The last thing I need or want is his pity. Is for him to be trapped with me. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't want me. He hasn't tried to see me.'

'But if he knew...'

'Knowing wouldn't change any of that. I'm not interested in having him here under duress. I feel sad enough as it is. I don't need to watch him rue the day he wooed me as well.'

'He's my brother Joey. I can't know something like this and not tell him.'

'You know you're gay and you don't tell him that and that wouldn't even hurt him. He'd be happy about that. We know a lot of stuff in life that we just don't tell.'

'I won't deliberately keep it from him. It's not like the guy calls but if he does and he asks after you, I'll tell him.'

'Sounds fair enough. Your secret is safe with me. Though I do think you should tell your family when you're ready.'

'Not sure my pops is ready to love and support his gay deputy son.'

'He never had a problem with Jack,' Joey pointed out.

'No I guess not,' he frowned.

'I never had a problem with Jack and I was his girlfriend when he came out.'

'Wow, I did not know that!' Doug actually looked amused and his smile caught. A second smile snuck onto her face. 'Can we compromise and visit a gay bar together one day? Maybe a few towns over?'

'Sure we can,' she nodded.

'Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?' Doug asked.

'I don't know. I've not been to the doctor,' she admitted and flushed slightly. 'Doesn't alter the inevitable. What do I care about birth plans? I don't even have a birthing partner.'

'Surely Bessie would...'

'No,' Joey shook her head. 'Look I'll go to the hospital and it will come out the way nature intended.'

'How about you come to a gay bar with me, and I go to the doctor with you?' Doug bargained. Joey thought for a few minutes.

'Ok,' she nodded.

'I've gotta get back on the road,' Doug nodded to the cruiser parked outside. Reaching into his pocket he got his wallet and dropped a ten on the table. She looked at him, but he just shrugged. 'This is my card. Call when you've made an appointment. I can get my mom to recommend someone my sister used if you can't find anyone.'

'Ok,' she nodded.

'It was nice to see you Joey.'

'Nice to see you too Doug.'

* * *

Joey sat on the floor in the dwindling light turning Doug's card over and over in her fingers. He'd be back if she didn't use it, she had no doubt. Doug Witter gay - she arched her eye brows. It had felt weird to smile. Maybe time with Doug wouldn't be so bad for her. She'd call the next day or the day after.

* * *

'It's been a week Joey and you haven't called,' Doug sat in the usual seat.

'What can I say, I've been working on my novel, "_It's a shit life but who cares_,"' she couldn't explain the heavy block of sadness that weighed her down all the time.

'Joey. I've been there. Hiding who I was, I remember the days that blurred into weeks, into months and even a year. It's a horrid place to be and hard to escape. Let me be your friend, please,' he looked at her, those eyes, so like Pacey's and she fought back tears.

'Make an appointment for me, tell me when it is and I'll be there.'

'Sure, sure, give me your number,' Doug grinned.

'I don't have a phone, just call me here or pop in.'

'Wait...I'll do it now,' and he pulled out his cellphone and heading out of the diner placed the call. A few minutes later he came back in, 'can you do Friday at 4?' he asked. She looked at the schedule and nodded and he finished the call. 'Great, so we'll head to the appointment then go to this club I heard about. Listen to some music, play some pool, eye up the hot boys and come home, deal?' he grinned and she nodded as she reached across and shook his hand.

'Deal.'

* * *

The doctor eyed the couple wearily - they didn't seem very together. The girl was young, eighteen at most and he was definitely older and a cop. She looked down, depressed even, like she didn't want to be there. She was too thin, that was immediately obvious. She took a medical history and then looked at them seriously,

'What's the situation here?' she frowned at them, let them know she knew something was up. The girl just rolled her eyes and stared at her hands.

'Joey,' the guy prompted.

'Joey if you and I are going to be a team and get your baby born safely I need to understand what's going on. You're too thin and you seem down. Is there anything worrying you?' The girl scoffed but didn't say anything. So she looked to the guy.

'My brother...he left Joey rather abruptly and in a um... rather cruel manner. Joey's kind of on her own and a little down.'

'You can take certain antidepressants safety in pregnancy,' the doctor looked at her young patient.

'But what's the point in that? I mean why mask it when the thing that caused the pain doesn't change.'

'Things end and we grieve. When we allow ourselves to heal we can move on with our lives.'

'And in your opinion antidepressants would help me move on?'

'I think so, yes. If you don't feel better, this depression will become embroiled with post natal depression and if the baby is at risk...'

'I would never put my baby at risk,' Joey was horrified.

'No not intentionally, but depression is a funny disease. We don't always do what we normally would when we're depressed.

'Ok,' Joey conceded, 'as long as they're safe I'll take them.'

'You need to exercise and eat right as well. And I want to do a scan. We can do it now.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded and Doug couldn't help but think she seemed defeated.

'The pills will help. Trust me,' the doctor reassured as she wrote out a prescription. She gave it to Joey who shoved it in her bag so the doctor gave Doug a pointed look. 'Now if you lift up your shirt we can take a look at your baby.' Joey lifted her shirt and Doug tried not to wince at the prominence of her ribs. The doctor put some gel on her stomach and ran the probe over her stomach until the sound of the baby's heartbeat filled the room.

'Wow,' Doug smiled at her but she didn't smile back, just looked at the screen where tiny limbs appeared, little X-ray hands and other parts. The doctor did all sorts of measurements, writing notes and taking pictures.

'Your baby looks well and healthy,' she stated. 'I've estimated the due date as March 6th, so you're 25 weeks pregnant. Would you like to know if it's a boy or a girl?'

'No,' Joey shook her head but both Doug and the doctor got the impression she just didn't really care.

'Get that prescription filled and I want to see you back here in two weeks.'

'Ok thanks,' Joey yanked her shirt down and left with Doug trailing behind her.

'You should have found out,' Doug said as they got in the car.

'Nah, it would have been to real.'

'This is real.'

'I know, believe me,' she shrugged.

'Look, let's go get you a gay bar top from home, and some lipstick,' he eyed her pale face 'then we'll fill this prescription and go out somewhere nice to dinner. Then we'll go eye up boys,' he gave her his most endearing smile and she rolled her eyes.

'Ok, my place is in an apartment block on 20th...just keep going up here and turn left. It's about four blocks over.'

'Wow, nice neighbourhood,' Doug teased.

'It's what I can afford. Besides which my dads in jail for drug trafficking. I'm with it,' she joked and he laughed. She looked surprised at herself but smiled. It had been a long time since she'd made anyone laugh.

'Well if it needs any work doing to it call me.'

'Oh it needs a ton of work doing to it,' she stated.

'Then I retract my offer.'

'Way to late buddy,' she told him. 'As you'll see in a minute. That building there, on the left.' Doug pulled the cruiser over and they headed inside. 'I know it's not great but I'm not embarrassed, it is what it is.' She was blunt which he appreciated as they approached the worn door on the second floor.

'Second floor is safer than ground,' he stated.

'Good to know Officer Witter,' she smiled at him as they went into the dark apartment. Used to the dim light Joey headed through to find a top to go with her skirt, leggings and boot outfit, and put on some lipstick. Doug flicked at the light switch which did nothing. Wondering through the tiny kitchen he opened the fridge noting it was empty. No wonder the girl was skin and bones. He turned on the tap, relieved to see the water ran. The place was almost warm. He stood next to the radiator which pumped a little heat into the room. The place was small and exceedingly empty. He wondered if there was even a bed in her room. He knocked on the door and when she told him to come in he did. There was no bed.

'Where do you sleep Joey?'

'Wherever I happen to fall asleep.'

'Why is there no power?'

'I didn't pay the bill,' she pushed an earring in one ear and then the other pleased with the slightly sparkly, bump flattering top.

'You can't have a baby here,' Doug stated.

'I don't have a baby.'

'But you will,' he persisted.

'I live on as little as possible so I can save as much as possible. I'm going to talk to. Bes about having Alex's old baby stuff. She won't say no.'

'My um mom is getting rid of a bed, if you want... She was going to give it to goodwill.'

'I'm not sleeping on Pacey's old bed.'

'Joey, you can't be churlish about this. You need to make a home and you need to do it soon. That baby could arrive anytime and you need to be ready.'

'I won't have the bed. Help me get the rest ready. Please do, but not the bed. I'd rather just sleep on the floor.'

'It's just a bed Joey,' Doug attempted.

'That he slept in. That we slept in together. To think of him lying in it, dreaming, thinking, hurting...no not the bed. I can sleep on the floor.'

'Ok, not the bed. I have tomorrow off, let's sort out what needs sorting then and just have fun tonight.'

'Ok,' she nodded.

* * *

Dinner had been fun and easy and best of all free from mentions of Pacey or depression. It was strange but being out with Doug, the world had gained a little colour. Joey didn't feel quite so hopeless anymore. As they parked up and headed towards _The Closet_, Joey laughed,

'Oh but that's a great name for a gay bar. Everyone can stumble out of the Closet at closing,' even Doug laughed. 'Have you ever been to a gay bar before?' She asked quietly.

'Nope. Only came out, what ten days ago.'

'You never secretly visited one?'

'Apparently I need a confidence booster. That would be you.'

'It's just a bar Doug. Full of people that might be interested in you. If you're not interested in them that's fine, but let's go have a drink, a dance, a game of pool and hopefully some fun.'

'Ok,' he nodded as they went inside. 'I forgot you're not twenty one,' he whispered in her ear.

'I'm not drinking,' she pointed out.

'I aught to give them a warning for not checking ids,' Doug frowned.

'Do and I'll do four shots and dance on the bar,' she threatened.

'Ok, ok,' he looked around at all the guys, some just having a drink, some playing pool, some dancing together, others making out. There were a few women too, some with other women, some with the guys. It was actually a nice atmosphere. They ordered drinks and then headed to the pool tables.

'This place is nice,' Joey summarized. The atmosphere was distinctly unthreatening. A good looking guy was at the pool table and he looked at Doug with obvious appreciation. 'Wanna game?' she asked.

'Sure,' the guy looked between them and frowned a little.

'Oh we're not together,' Joey shook her head, 'this is his brothers baby.'

'Thanks. I was wondering if I was in the wrong bar. Ethan,' he stuck out a hand.

'Wait...I know you. You're Jack McPhee's Ethan,' she stated.

'Well not really. We were friends once.'

'I'm Joey. So were we. This is Doug,' she nudged Doug and the two guys shook hands.

'How is Jack?'

'He's at Boston U. I haven't seen him since the end of summer. I got knocked up by my boyfriend, so I have no life,' she rolled her eyes but Doug noticed a slight cheekiness beneath the dead beat tone.

'You look good on it,' Ethan said easily, 'so where is the boyfriend?'

'No idea, no longer my boyfriend.'

'My brother is, well he's an idiot.'

'At least she has you,' Ethan seemed to like that.

'And what are you doing Ethan?' Joey asked.

'I just finished college. I'm working at the Boston Globe. '

'Wow journalism. Is that hard to get into?' Joey knew she should let Doug get a word in but journalism was something that had always appealed, maybe because of her Lois Lane idolization. She could write, she knew that. Despite what Doug might think she was trying to come up with a way to support herself and the baby. She had also been writing. Deeply bitter, sad journal entries, not the pathetically titled books she joked about.

'Actually if you have the skill, no. You don't actually need a degree but it really helps. You write?'

'Constantly.'

'Anything publishable. The Globes wanting a new columnist? A women, something edgy?'

'Oh I can do edgy,' she growled.

'Then apply. Let me give you my card now and then we can play pool,' he handed her his card which she tucked safely into her purse. 'Now what do you do Doug?'

'I'm a police office,' Doug admitted, and Ethan's eyes lit up.

'Oh, I like a man in uniform,' he admitted and Joey smiled at Doug's blush. 'So honestly, how good are you both at pool? Do we play teams or take in turns?'

'You guys play first and I'll play the winner,' Joey encouraged and sat down to watch the game.

* * *

Joey waved goodbye to Doug and climbed the stairs in her apartment building. It had been a good night. Doug had fed her nicely and treated her nicely and they'd both got a guy's number - the same guys number. Ethan and Doug really hit it off, which was exactly what Doug needed. A nice guy. They'd played pool, Doug and Ethan flirting but neither neglecting her. She didn't feel like a spare wheel and she'd actually managed to laugh. Unlocking her door the apartment was pitch black. Alone again. She put her bag on the counter and took out the pills. One at night was supposed to do the trick. What could it hurt really? It would be nice not to cry at everything. To not feel that unbearable sadness all the time. She reached for the tablets in the dark, opened the container and took one. Was it wise to give someone who was depressed so many tablets, she wondered. Standing alone in her pitch black apartment, her life all but done before it started and it didn't seem like such a crazy idea to bow out. One large container of tablets, one last time falling asleep on a cold, hard floor, one last memory of Pacey at prom and then nothing. Beautiful, blissful nothing. How simple. How easy. Except she'd never taken the easy way. If she had she'd have stuck with Dawson and not gone for Pacey. She put the lid back on the container and swallowed the one tablet. She moved to the bathroom and grabbed the toothbrush she'd prepared earlier and did her teeth. She splashed some water on her face and then moved to the window. She stood for a bit looking out and then the tears started. She sunk to the floor, rolled on her side and cried herself to sleep.

* * *

**Bang, bang, bang.**

Joey opened her eyes, there was actual sunlight shining on them. She picked herself up off the floor and winced at the pain in her hip. Stretching a few times she opened to the door.

'Doug,' she turned and headed back inside putting the kettle on the gas for tea.

'You sleep in your clothes?' he asked.

'When it's to dark to change,' she nodded.

'You cried,' he rubbed a thumb across her cheekbone but she flinched.

'Don't touch me that way, he would and I don't like it.'

'I'm sorry,' Doug held up his hands.

'Sit anywhere and make the tea. I'm going to shower.'

* * *

Joey was wearing some leggings and a hoody when she reentered the living room. Doug was sat on the floor in front of the window with two cups of tea and a notepad.

'So, you need everything,' he stated and looked at her with an amused smiled. Reluctantly she laughed,

'Yeah.'

'Here's my cell. Call Bessie and ask her about Alex's stuff. Tell her you'll get it next Sunday.

'I'm working next Sunday 10-6.'

'So we'll get it after them. I'll pick you up after work.'

'You don't have to.'

'And you don't have to come to gay bars with me,' he smirked.

'Ok, ok,' she nodded.

'My mom has old curtains, tons in the loft which I can get for the windows. There's also this plastic stuff that's like double glazing - I'll ask one of the guys at work.'

'It does get a little cold.'

'There's actual gaps around some of the glass panes,' Doug rolled his eyes.

'Ventilation,' Joey said and then laughed at Doug's expression.

'So...my buddy Alan is replacing his couch. It's old but plain and comfy. Really comfy. His wife doesn't want any money for it, just for it to be gone. Another officer, Susie, she's getting rid of some tables and chairs. She's selling them for only fifty bucks and they're in good condition. Her mother in law bought her a brand new set. Now the bed...'

'I'm never going to take that bed.'

'Just take it and then it's here and then if you need one, you have one,' he urged.

'But it's his bed.'

'And that's his child. You can't escape him Joey. I'm his brother.'

'Ok, I'll take the damn bed but I'm not sleeping in it.'

'We can go to Ikea, get some new sheets? Some towels, plates even?'

'Well I do like Ikea,' she admitted.

'Everyone does,' he grinned.

'Perfect room, perfect life,' she rolled her eyes.

'Don't we all wish.'

'Thanks for all this.'

'Oh it's my pleasure, believe me. On our way to Ikea we are going to talk in detail about when I call Ethan, what I say when I call him, and what I suggest we do.'

'Deal,' she nodded.

'Now budget. How much are you allowed to spend on this trip?'

'I want a rocking chair,' she admitted, 'you know, to rock the baby. Not a baby one but a proper one.'

'Ok,' he nodded. 'And then the cooking basics?'

'Yeah.'

'Ok, so call Bes,' he handed her his cellphone and she dialled the B&B.

'Potter B&B,' her sister sounded so proper.

'Hi Bes, it's Joey.'

'Joey,' she sounded so relieved, 'please don't be mad that I told Doug. I just needed to do something. You're so stubborn.'

'It's ok. Doug and I understand each other. I wanted to ask a favour.'

'Of course Jo, anything.'

'Could I please use Alex's old baby stuff? His crib, stroller, the bouncy chair? Any clothes.'

'Of course Joey. Absolutely. I'll get them all sorted for you.'

'Thanks. Doug will help me collect them next Sunday after my shift. At about 6.30.'

'I'm glad one Witter is helping out.'

'Ok,' Joey wanted to end the call.

'I know you're mad at me Jo, but you can't be mad forever. I made a mistake. I love you and I want you to be happy. I may not love what's happened but I want to support you. Say you'll stay to dinner, you and Doug?'

'Do you want to stay for dinner at my sister's on Sunday?' she asked and Doug nodded. He and Bessie were old friends. 'Ok to dinner. I want to be close to you again Bes but...'

'I'll make it up to you Joey,' Bessie promised. 'Oh, you've got mail.'

'Pacey?' she instantly hated herself. What a schmuck asking if it was Pacey. 'Sorry of course not him, who?'

'A letter from Jen, one from Jack and one from Dawson. I think they're ganging up on you. They've called here and have apparently emailed and emailed to no avail.'

'I haven't checked my email in months.'

'Check it.'

'Thanks Bes,' Joey hung up.

'Sorted?'

'Sorted,' Joey said as Doug's cellphone rang.

'Hi Bessie,' he answered. 'Oh...yeah...ok...I'll tell her...yeah...ok...yes...that sounds like a better plan.' He hung up, 'your sister is scary.'

'Why?' Joey frowned.

'She rang up to say the crib has no mattress and to give me the measurements and then she started going on about nursing bras, sanitary pads, nipple cream. I suggested she do all that with you.'

'You're right. She is scary,' Joey agreed.

'So let's go get the couch, the table and chairs and the bed this morning and ikea this afternoon.'

'It won't fit in the cruiser,' Joey frowned.

'Um, we have help,' he winced a little.

'Help?'

'Gretchen and her new boyfriends truck.'

'You told Gretchen? She's not exactly my biggest fan.'

'Everyone is gonna know at some point, right? It's not like it's a deliberate secret.'

'I guess.'

'I just said I needed to help a friend.'

'She's going to be pissed,' Joey shook her head, but couldn't muster the energy to be bothered, 'fine,' she shrugged. 'Where is she meeting us?' she asked as a car honked in the street below. Doug looked.

'That's her.'

'Ok.' Joey shoved her feet into her boots and then went into a room and pulled on a skirt. 'Leggings just isn't enough out of the house,' she explained and then pulled on her thick winter coat, the one that hid her bump entirely. Let Doug explain it. Together they headed into the cold. Joey deliberately got into the back seat of the pickup.

'Joey,' Gretchen looked at her with wild eyes and then at her brother.

'Hey,' Joey murmured from the backseat. This wasn't a conversation she wanted to have. Gretchen was supposed to be in Boston, but according to Doug had borrowed her boyfriends truck to come and collect some stuff from home. Lucky for them.

'Ok, ok, ok, now I'm not going anywhere until you two explain how Dougy, is helping you get furniture for a place here. Aren't you supposed to be at some Ivy League college in Boston?'

'Sure am,' Joey muttered and felt stupid tears prick her eyes. The tears for no reason, yet again.

'Wow, so verbose,' Gretchen turned to her brother, 'since when are you two friends?'

'Since two weeks ago, maybe on and off before then,' Doug stated.

'Does Pacey know about that?' Gretchen gawped at them and the stupid tears leaked out the corners of Joey's eyes. She brushed at them hoping Gretchen wouldn't see.

'Pacey doesn't care what I do,' Joey said as calmly as she could, 'so I don't think he'd have a problem with Doug and I being friends.'

'I don't think he is the one in your relationship we should accuse of not caring,' Gretchen snapped and more tears leaked. Joey craned her neck to look out the window so Gretchen wouldn't see.

'Nobody's making any accusations Gretch,' Doug said calmly. 'We're just moving some furniture.'

'You didn't say it was for Joey because you knew I wouldn't do it, not when she broke Pacey's heart.'

'He shattered mine fairly thoroughly too. And I bet he's doing just fine right now. A boat, a girl, a job, I know Pacey,' she finished bitterly.

'And why shouldn't he have all those things? People are allowed to move on.'

'Sure,' she shrugged. 'It's fine, don't help me. It's ok Doug, I don't need those things.'

'You do need them,' he argued. She looked at them both. Pacey's big brother and sister, one arguing for her and one for him, the both of them turned right around to stare at her.

'She doesn't want to help, she doesn't have to help.'

'I just don't see why I should. I have my own stuff I need to do.'

'It was a favour,' Doug hated his family sometimes, everything as always so complicated.

'I'm sorry Joey, my loyalty has to be to Pacey.'

'And Pacey would want you to help her.'

'No he wouldn't,' Joey stated staring at Doug frowning, 'why would he care?'

'Even if you weren't pregnant he'd still care,' Doug bit out in frustration.

'Woah, woah, woah, you're _pregnant_? You are pregnant?' she stared at Joey, her eyes wide her jaw dropped, everything emanating her horror.

'It's just me and the kid,' Joey muttered drolly.

'And Pacey doesn't know?'

'Why would Pacey know! He doesn't care. He left and I've heard nothing from him. I don't want to hear anything from him. He doesn't love me. He doesn't want me.'

'But it's his kid?' Gretchen frowned and stared at Joey's hidden stomach.

'Hah,' Joey glared out the window, 'so what? What am I supposed to do, he tells me that when he's with me he feels stupid and worthless and never right. He told me, it's my fault. He told me he doesn't want me. This is a trap for him and I won't do it. I won't have him be here hurting me and hurting our child with his hatred of me.'

'He doesn't hate you,' Gretchen was clearly shocked.

'Oh he does, I'm quite certain. He couldn't even stand for me to touch him and he certainly didn't want to touch me. No love left,' she swiped at tears, 'sorry, apparently I'm suffering from depression and crying constantly is a symptom,' she was blunt.

'Pacey loved you like nothing else,' Gretchen frowned.

'It's true,' Doug added.

'Well that changed didn't it. I'm not going to deliberately keep this from him but I'm not going out of my way to tell him, not when I make him feel so bad, not when I'm clearly this terrible person that can't make someone as loving and wonderful as Pacey happy.'

'It wasn't your job to make him happy,' Doug defended.

'Of course it was and instead I made him hate me. The guy loved me so much he risked all the things precious in our fragile little universe for me and he ends up hating me. What does that say about me? Not a lot,' and she got out of the truck and went inside, curling up on the floor.

* * *

Sometime around noon she sat up, her tears had dried though the sadness was still there. She looked around the room in which there was to much and to little to do. She decided to take a shower for lack of any other option and stepping into the warm water felt a little better. The feeling was short lived as she thought about getting out of the shower and then what. Tears overwhelmed her again. Life couldn't go on like this, she knew that. She was stronger than it, she was sure but she couldn't seem to find her strength anywhere. Maybe she should move back into the B&B. Have Bessie look after her like some invalid. The mad depressed sister who never recovered from her broken heart. And what of her child? Bodie and Bessie would raise it and Alex together. Stepping out of the bath she wrapped a towel around herself and went to her room. She threw on some track pants and her hoody, brushing her hair and braiding it down her back. And that was the problem with her life because she didn't know what to do after. There was nothing she wanted to do and so she sat and stared at the wall. Then she got her journal and wrote in it for a long time, before she simply lay down on the floor again. The banging on the door made her jump. She pulled herself to her feet and opened the door to see Doug and Gretchen panting and holding up a small velveteen brown couch, which was actually rather lovely.

'Move lady,' Gretchen ordered and she and Doug carried the couch into the empty apartment and put it in the spot where Joey had been lying moments earlier. 'Wow you weren't exaggerating,' Gretchen looked around. 'You seriously just sleep on the floor.'

'I'd rather a deep, dark nest, but yeah, the floor,' Joey stared at the couch.

'Pretty huh,' Gretchen stated and headed for the door, 'come on, next load. Stick the kettle on Joey.' And they left. Joey didn't put the kettle on but stared at the couch. It gave the room a little meaning. It was pretty actually. Not meant for more than two people but comfy looking. She thought about sitting in it but couldn't quite bring herself to move. She must have been staring at it longer than she realized because Doug and Gretchen were back with a square oak table which was just the right size for the little diner area off the kitchen. 'Kettle Joey,' Gretchen repeated and Joey shook her self a little and moved to the kettle, filling it and turning on the gas. Doug and Gretchen returned with two dining chairs each before she'd made tea and then they were bringing in the bed. Joey turned her back and whilst they were back out at the truck she rummaged in a drawer for an old sheet and spread it over the bed to cover it. When Doug and Gretchen returned they were carrying an old rocking chair. Her eyes widened at the sight of it.

'We told our mom and Doug mentioned you wanted a rocking chair. Mom nursed all five of us in this and she wants you to have it. Neither Carry or Anna wanted it. I don't, so it's yours.' Joey didn't say anything, but looked at the old oak rocking chair. It was beautifully carved, and it had an old cushion on the seat.

'She really said I could have it?'

'Yeah,' Gretchen grinned.

'But she calls me Josie?'

'Well that's mom,' Doug tried to explain.

'Was she mad?'

'At Pace a little I guess, but accidents happen. Mom doesn't say much anymore.'

'No,' Joey acknowledged still staring at the new pieces of furniture that made her apartment look immediately better.

'You may like the ancient mix and match crockery and cutlery she sent over less.'

'I don't care,' Joey stated honestly. 'It all helps.'

'Why is the bed covered like that?' Gretchen asked after a moment.

'I told Doug, I won't sleep in that bed.'

'And I said it was better than nothing.'

'I can't,' she shook her head. 'The couch will do, or the floor.'

'Just move the mattress onto the floor, we can do that,' Gretchen suggested.

'It will still smell like him, so thank you but no thank you. I'll have it here in case I need it just like we agreed,' she stated. 'I made you tea but there's no milk.'

'Because there's no electricity,' Gretchen frowned at the younger girl.

'We all make our choices.'

'Talking of choices, did you never consider, you know, not having the baby?' Gretchen sat on the couch next to Doug, Joey still stood wearily next to her rocking chair.

'I would have, I'm sure I would have. It just felt too late for that kind of decision when I found out,' Joey didn't feel the need to tell them everything but shared what she thought was enough.

'Ok, food then Ikea,' Gretchen stated changing the subject which relieved Joey.

'Will your mom tell Pacey?'

'Whoever speaks to him next will tell him Jo,' Doug answered kindly.

'Ok,' she ignored the nerves.

* * *

Five hundred dollars went a long way when you were careful. A couple of tea towels, a washing up brush, a bookcase, some pans and cooking utensils, a lamp and a crib mattress. Gretchen talked her into a small rug for beside the crib and Doug into a couple of cushions for the couch and one for the rocker. Doug bought her a duvet, pillow and plain white covers so she would at least be warm and Gretchen got her a cheap single mattress, for the floor if she so wished or to go on the bed and kill the Pacey smell. Doug ordered take out which they ate around the table by candlelight and when they left she remembered to take her tablet. Initially she'd put the mattress in the bedroom next to Pacey's bed but the room smelt of him thanks to the bed and so she dragged it into the hallway. Regardless, she fell asleep on the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Two days later there was a banging at the door and Joey was convinced it was _him_. She'd worked the early shift, 6-4 and been home only with enough time to change, cry, look out the window and sink to the floor. She didn't use the furniture. Wearily she stood and moved to the door. She opened it to reveal a woman, maybe in her late twenties, even her early thirties with straight brown hair, a little extra weight but kind, tired eyes. The three kids stood behind her were probably why.

'You remember me Joey? I'm Kerry,' her voice was softer than Gretchen's. Her whole demeanour was softer than Gretchen's.

'Yes,' Joey nodded because she did remember.

'Can we come in?' she asked and again Joey nodded.

'Shoes off. Uncle Pacey's bed is in the bedroom, so go bounce on that and take your lego,' she shoved a large box at them as they all kicked off their shoes, looking at Joey with interest. 'These are for you,' she handed over a couple of bags and Joey stared at her. 'A couple of baby toys, some sheets, a onsie or two. There's a book in there I found helpful.'

'Thank you,' Joey carried the bag through to the living room and Kerry followed. 'Do you want something...tea?' Joey asked with difficulty.

'No,' she sat in the brown couch. 'Doug, he told me about you, about how you're feeling,' she looked uncomfortable. 'Please sit,' she patted the seat next to her.

'I can't, not on there,' Joey shook her head and sank to the floor. Kerry surprised her by getting up and sinking to the floor beside her.

'I remember trying to punish myself. I ate, to make myself ugly like he made me feel inside. I would go out in the cold without a coat, somehow my suffering felt right. And then I'd just forget the coat, forget it all. My husband left me with three kids. I understand Joey,' she wrapped her arm around the girl. Joey slumped to the floor, her head in Kerry's lap.

'I want to stop feeling this way, but it's just there, in me,' she said through tears.

'I don't know whether I'd say it goes, but it guess I would say we learn to manage it.'

'It manages me,' Joey admitted as Kerry's hands smoothed her hair and her arms.

'It won't forever. Take your pills, talk to me, to Doug, to Gretchen, eat and exercise. I don't have all the answers. I'm still working on feeling better. There are days when I laugh and laugh, and days when I just want to cry.'

'I've never been depressed before. Not when my mom died, not either of the times my dad was arrested. Even with the stress of Dawson and Pacey fighting over me.'

'You have a ton of hormones in your system - that won't be helping.'

'After the baby's born, what then?' Joey asked.

'Well the hormones drop and you'll get even more depressed. You may get post natal depression. You're definitely more likely to if you're depressed before.'

'What about the baby?'

'The baby won't be depressed,' Kerry chuckled.

'How will I look after it, when I can't look after myself?'

'Somehow we do. We feed them, clothe them, cry tears into their hair and they don't remember. Sometimes they even heal us a little.'

'Oh,' was all Joey said.

'Start with something small Joey. A walk for pleasure. Allow yourself to sit on the couch. Little things. You deserve to be happy.'

'I'm not sure I do.'

'My brother shouldn't have blamed you for his own feelings of inadequacy. We can't expect the people around us to know what's going on if we don't tell them,' Kerry tried to explain but Joey didn't answer, just enjoyed the feeling of Kerry's hands running across her head and arms. Joey couldn't say how long they sat there for but eventually Kerry said she had to make the kids dinner.

When Joey looked in her bedroom a little later, she saw that Kerry had covered the bed again.

* * *

The diner was busy, which was good, but Doug's seat at the counter was free when he called through for lunch.

'How was the date?' Joey asked pouring him coffee.

'Would we call it a date? I'm not sure I'd call it a date.'

'You went out for dinner with a guy you like - that's a date.'

'It was great. Ethan is a nice guy,' Doug blushed.

'Good looking too.'

'Oh yeah,' Doug agreed.

'You go to Boston?'

'I don't think Capeside would cope with a gay cop.'

'I like to think they would. I hope they would. I love our gay cop,' she gave him a small smile.

'I thought I might tell Gretchen.'

'Wow, that's huge!'

'Not as huge as telling you.'

'Are you going to see Ethan again?'

'He suggested we go back to _The Closet _Friday night.'

'Then we must. But surely I'll be the third wheel?'

'No, he wanted you to come. Said we had fun the three of us. He suggested he comes back to Capeside and stays over.'

'Wow,' Joey spontaneously ruffled Doug's hair. 'You go.'

'Umm, not like that. At least I don't think like that. I mean if it's like that, I haven't really got a clue.'

'You have a clue,' she rolled her eyes, 'even I have a clue.'

'Did I say clue? I meant guts.'

'Just do what you feel is right and it'll be ok. Maybe start with a kiss?'

'Maybe that,' Doug concurred with a laugh.

* * *

Early Friday morning she was woken by someone else at the door. She didn't want to move from her white cocoon in the corridor - she had slept on the mattress a couple of times - and she considered ignoring it but when the person banged again she realized it was probably Pacey and why put off the inevitable. Tugging her hoody on over her pj bottoms and vest she answered the door.

'Mrs Witter,' she said with a frown.

'Can I come in?'

'Yes,' Joey moved inside to make space and Pacey's mother looked over her small apartment. She then reached over and flicked the light switch, 'It doesn't...' Joey began but stopped when the light came on - _Doug_.

'I made you a lasagne and some meatloaf. I'm not the best cook in the world, but it's food and it's good for you,' she moved into the kitchen and put them in the fridge that was now buzzing softly. 'I can't stay long Joey.'

'Don't you mean Josie?' Joey couldn't help herself.

'I don't know what made me call you that repeatedly. I'm sorry. Sometimes we do things without really knowing why. I knew your name and I think I worried about the same things as Pacey - mainly that you were going to leave him behind.'

'Hmmm,' Joey murmured.

'I told him last night. He didn't believe me and then he was pretty angry. He's coming to Capeside tomorrow.'

'I'm working.'

'He'll be here all weekend to see you.'

'I don't want to see him.'

'You have to.'

'Then not at work. I'm on the early shift both days so I finish at four.'

'Ok, I'll tell him,' Mrs Witter handed her some small tangerines. 'For vitamin C. You don't look well.'

'I'm not well,' she said back bluntly.

'My mother used to describe an orange as a little ball of happiness.'

'Thanks,' she murmured as Pacey's mom took her leave. Ignoring the fruit, Joey went back to her bed and curled up in it. She did not want to see Pacey.

* * *

'Get up Joey,' Doug was shaking her gently.

'No.'

'Come on Jo, you need to get up. You can't sleep all day,' Gretchen's voice this time.

'I can. Day off.'

'We're taking you out. Mom said she'd been to see you, told you Pacey was coming tomorrow. Gretchen ditched work early and drove straight here.'

'Where are we going?' she looked pointedly at Doug who blushed. Gretchen looked between the two of them confused. Doug held out a hand and Joey took it.

'So...Gretchen,' Doug began, 'I know it's been a long running joke, but I'm gay.'

'Ha ha,' Gretchen laughed.

'No _really_, I'm gay.'

'Really I _know_.'

'Well this is me coming out,' Doug clarified and Gretchen's eyes popped open, her jaw dropped and she spat up some of the carry out coffee she was carrying.

'You mean you are actually gay,' she spluttered and sunk onto the couch. Even Joey managed a smile.

'Gay as the day I was born,' Doug quipped.

'I mean we joked, but I never...really? You're gay?'

'Yeah and happy to finally be honest with myself and others,' he looked sheepishly at Joey.

'So where are we going tonight?'

'It's a gay bar called _The Closet_.'

'Oh that's funny,' Gretchen grinned and then pulled Doug into a huge hug, 'I'm so proud of you Dougy,' she squeezed him.

'Thanks,' Doug flushed.

'Well now we have even more reason to celebrate. Go shower Joey. You look like you've been sleeping for hours.'

'I have.'

'Well the dragged through a hedge backward look won't work. Something pretty,' Gretchen ordered.

'Where are we going?'

'Boston has these buildings...they call them galleries. They have paintings in them, sometimes sculptures...'

'An art gallery?' Joey frowned. 'No I couldn't.'

'You can,' Gretchen said firmly, 'then dinner and _The Closet_!'

'But art is...it's...'

'Something you've always loved,' Doug put in.

'It will make me cry,' Joey admitted.

'So cry. We don't care,' Gretchen told her, 'now shower.'

* * *

Gretchen and Doug returned her home at midnight. It had been a good day. The art had made her cry, but she'd managed to stay upright. Probably Gretchen on her left and Doug on her right helped. She'd been quiet over dinner but that didn't stop the brother and sister duo from including her. They told stories from their childhood, teased each other, teased her, forced her to order dessert even if Doug then ate it. The bar had been fun. She and Gretchen had played endless games of pool against Doug and Ethan who'd then followed them back to Capeside. Joey set her alarm for five after brushing her teeth and went to sleep.

But she didn't sleep. Pacey would be there in the morning. He would be in Capeside, to see her, to deal with her. The thought had her actually being sick in the bathroom. She could imagine the look on his face, how serious he'd be. He'd claim he didn't mean what he said but she knew he had. He'd meant every hurtful word of it. The hours passed slowly until at five she showered and dressed for work before heading outside to walk there down frosty streets. She liked the early shifts best. An empty world where it felt like only she existed. Houses dark, occupants sleeping. Today there was no solace. Not even in the beautiful fog that hung above the creek like a giant duvet.

She unlocked the diner door and then locked it behind her. She wasn't as tired as she should be, but then she'd slept until the early afternoon the previous day. It would hit her later she was sure. She went through the processes of setting up but it was exhausting, pushing thoughts of Pacey from her head the whole time took far more energy than she had and so she let him in, until he was playing on repeat in her head.

"_You want me to take off the happy mask? Then happy mask is off. So, now answer me this one question Joey, why are you with me? Why are you with me? Cause I don't know why I'm still with you. I used to know, but now I don't anymore. What I do know, I feel like I'm Josephine Potter's little charity project. I feel like I'm the designated loser..._"

Her voice "_This isn't about me..._"

"_No, it is about you. It's about you and how you make me feel when I'm with you! I feel like I'm stupid, I'm worthless, I'm never right! You know what I realize? It's not my fault! When I'm with you it's "poor Pacey, he didn't get into college," or "stupid Pacey forgot the limo, he ripped my dress, he messed up the corsage."_

Her voice again "_I told you I don't care about any of that."_

"_But I want you to care! I don't want you to accept it like it's supposed to be. We are not trapped on this boat. You and I are trapped in this relationship! I can't take it anymore Joey. When I'm with you, I feel like I'm nothing. That's why I flinch when you touch me. That's why I never touch you, why I never think about it. Because when I do, it just reminds me that I'm not good enough."_

And repeat. Repeat. Endless times. Particularly that phrase, that one "_when I'm with you I feel like I'm nothing._" Now she was nothing. No joy left in her, no happiness. She was a shimmering pool of sadness. She was drowning in misery. Even as she unlocked the door at opening, the sky still dark, she was drowning under the weight of it. She saw him stood there, on the other side of the glass. A faint tan on his skin, eyes serious. Of course. She headed to the back of the diner and called Gretchen,

'He's outside my work. Your mom said she'd tell him. I can't lose my job. Please call him, tell him to leave.'

'Will do,' Gretchen said and immediately hung up. Joey watched as Pacey pulled a cell phone from his pocket and watched him talk into it animatedly. He still had animation, unlike her. He was ok, she realized. He was ok without her. _Hold it together Joey, hold it together Joey, hold it together Joey._ She watched as he hung up the phone. He stared at her, his eyes boring through the glass, but he turned and left. Moments later Gretchen pushed through the door, barely dressed.

'Coffee and waffles,' she growled sipping her coffee as Joey put the waffle order through to the chef who was used to the waitress's quietness. 'I'm sorry he did that.'

'Not your fault,' she whispered the words. To say them any louder would have let the tears fall.

'He said he couldn't help it, that he had to see you,' Gretchen looked at her but said nothing.

Throughout the day the Wittters came in one by one. Kerry and her kids for lunch, Mrs Witter for a morning coffee, Doug to tell her about Ethan towards the end of her shift.

'You want me to come home with you?' He asked.

'Walk me there? I can't decided if I should face him alone, with someone or not at all.'

'You have to talk at some point.'

'I know. I'm afraid I won't be able to talk. Sometimes silence is all that holds me together.'

'Maybe this will allow you to heal. Without the threat of this reunion hanging over you, you can worry less.'

'This isn't worry, it's despair,' Joey told him and climbed the stairs to her apartment with Doug at her side. Pacey was sat on the floor outside reading a book. Wow, he could read - she hadn't read a thing in months, there was no joy in it anymore for her, no escape was enough to pull her from her own feelings.

'Joey,' he said her name as he scrambled to his feet and then he opened his arms, as if to hug her but she recoiled against Doug. His arms dropped to his sides and he took a step back as she pulled out a key.

'I can come in Joey,' Doug reiterated.

'It's ok, thanks,' she pressed a spontaneous kiss to Doug's cheek and he hugged her. The hug brought tears to her eyes but she held them back. And then Doug was gone and it was just her and Pacey alone. She kicked off her shoes and moved into the apartment. What was she supposed to say. She didn't want to see him, she didn't want him there. She picked up one of his mothers tangerines and sat on the floor in front of the window with it. Carefully she peeled it and then set about removing all the white pulpy stuff. A little ball of happiness or a methodical task to conduct so she wouldn't have to look at him. She sensed him looking around. Absorbing the details her life, the chipped china, the lack of stuff. She was thankful Gretchen had swept her floor the day before and Doug had washed up the mugs in the sink. It appeared that she had some sort of control even though she didn't.

He crouched down beside her, his eyes roving across her, looking at all of her.

'Why didn't you tell me?' his voice was soft, a caress, but she didn't answer. 'Joey,' he reached out a hand. It may as well have been a red hot poker,

'Don't touch me,' she stated in a low voice. 'Don't ever touch me again,' she shuffled away from him across the floor until she was leaning against the wall next to the window. It was cold but she didn't care.

'I won't touch you,' he looked heartbroken, but that wasn't exactly her top concern. He slumped on the floor.

'Get out,' she said.

'What?' He turned to her with shock.

'I don't want you here. I really don't. I don't want to feel the way you make me feel. You take all the misery, the despair, the hurt and you amplify it. Get out.'

'You can't be serious,' he stared at her, 'that's my baby.'

'So?' she shrugged.

'So, it's my child. I can't just go.'

'But I can't have you here.'

'Why not?'

_When I'm with you, I feel like I'm nothing!_

'Because you don't love me. Because you don't want me. Because you feel bad when you're near me. Because I make you feel like nothing. Because everything we shared all of it, I wish it had never happened. I wish I'd never kissed you. Because then I wouldn't have to spend my life knowing how you really see me. You fell in love with the illusion and all that you fell in love with, made you fall in hate with me.'

'I don't hate you,' he looked stunned but she couldn't see it, she was looking at her orange, now nearly free from the white bits.

'You do. You went from loving me so much you risked everything, to hating me and I can't do this with someone that thinks so little of me here all the time. You see I think so little of myself as it is. I made you feel like nothing because I am nothing. There's nothing left of me anymore and I don't need you here to hammer that in.'

'You're not nothing,' Pacey said at length, too much in what she said to properly respond.

'I am. I don't read, I don't eat, I don't think, I lie in the dark and wait.'

'Doug said you're depressed...' He began.

'Depression is all I am anymore.'

'Joey,' he protested.

'Your mom called it a little ball of happiness,' she held the perfect orange in her palm. 'Do you remember feeling happy? I'm not sure I do. All my happy memories feel tainted somehow. Not pure anymore.'

'Joey,' again the protest.

'You have no defence because it's true. That's why all you can say is my name. You don't need to be involved but if you are it will be after the baby is born. I don't want you here.'

'You don't always get a choice,' he stated as he stood.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Following her reunion with Pacey, Joey did nothing but sleep and cry. She ignored the banging on her door, the voices of Doug and then Gretchen. They didn't need to go through it with her, through whatever this feeling was, like her life draining out of her. She nearly called in sick the morning following Pacey's visit, she wasn't sure that she wasn't sick. She felt cold and hollow, sort of like she wasn't a real person anymore. Her head was fuzzy and she performed the act of cleaning and dressing through muscle memory. Opening the diner she raised a hand at the chef and went about the morning routines.

Doug came in as the diner opened.

'You look like hell Joey,' he stated abruptly.

'Thanks.'

'Seriously, you're very pale.'

'I don't feel so good either,' she shrugged.

'Pacey came to see me last night,' Doug stated.

'So?'

'He's worried about you,' Doug told her softly.

'Isn't everyone? Even I'm worried about me as I watch myself slip slowly into oblivion.'

'We want to help you,' Doug explained.

'Only I can help me,' she determined, coming around the counter and sinking to the chair next to him. The diner felt so hot all of a sudden, and maybe it was just her but it wasn't feeling all that easy to breathe.

'He still loves you,' Doug said but the only response suitable was a bitter laugh,

'No...he doesn't,' she said and then grabbed his arm as black diamonds zoomed in from the corners of her eyes. 'Doug,' she said his name as the black dots multiplied and the world swam from view.

* * *

She opened her eyes to a hospital room. She hoped it was a regular hospital and they hadn't committed her. She didn't want that, she realized. Then she would lose her baby and she didn't want that either. She looked around the plain room and was relieved to find she could sit up. So they hadn't strapped her to the bed, that had to be a good sign. She put a hand to her stomach, relieved to feel a small foot kick her hand. She felt tears but for once they were of relief. She wasn't committed and she still had her baby. Apparently there were worse things in life than all that had occurred.

She watched _him_ come into the room and look at her,

'Hey,' he said and she turned away from him, as Doug followed his brother into the room.

'I had to call him Jo,' he said.

'It's fine. The baby is ok, it kicked me.'

'The baby won't be ok if you don't eat,' Doug told her gently.

'I do eat,' she stated and then frowned, 'when I remember.'

'You need to keep eating. You fainted. When was the last time you ate?' he looked at her pointedly.

'Friday, with you and Gretchen. I just couldn't...not with Pacey coming back.'

'Well more and more regularly. Look after the baby if not yourself,' Doug took her hand.

'Ok...ok,' she nodded. 'I do want it to be ok.'

'I know,' he reassured.

'I thought you'd...I thought this was mental hospital...when I first woke up. I don't want that. I don't want to get to that point. I'll try harder.'

'Good,' Doug told her.

'I've been taking my tablets.'

'The doctors altered your dose and put you on a multivitamin. Kerry is going to take you swimming once a week. She insisted and my mom has made it her personal mission to stock your fridge and cupboards. She made my dad pick up a microwave, so you can reheat even if you don't want to cook.'

'Thank you,' she turned on her side and buried her face for a few moments, then sat up in the bed and looked at Pacey, looked at every bit of him properly. His hair was longer again and a little curly, still tinged fair from the summer sun, just like his skin glowed with a hint of warmth. His eyes didn't move from her. Those blue eyes that stormed like the oceans, currently grey and determined. He was slim, and toned, loose blue jeans and a sweater, one of his old ones. Just the vision of him broke her heart again. The thought of all the girls those hands must have touched. Girls that didn't make him flinch. Anyone but her.

'Joey,' he began but she shook her head.

'No,' she responded. 'Just no.'

'I didn't...' he began.

'You can't change it. It is this,' she gestured. 'I wish it was anything but this, but I can't change it either. You should go...back, back wherever it is you are now.'

'I went to Boston.'

She let out a bitter laugh and closed her eyes.

'To be near you,' he said at length but she didn't open her eyes.

* * *

Doug drove her from the hospital later that day and they went straight to Bessie's.

'I made a room for you Joey. I would have come to the hospital but Bodie is away and the place is nearly full.'

'I don't need a room but thank you.'

'What the hell is going on girl? I don't understand.'

'I've lost the plot,' Joey rolled her eyes. 'Gone down the slippery slide of depression.'

'Don't joke,' Bessie chided.

'I'm not,' Joey sat at the table and rested her head on her arms. 'I'm going to change. Starting today. I don't want to lose my baby and I have three months to make sure that doesn't happen.'

'Really?' Bessie looked at her clearly uncertain.

'Lets you and I go talk,' Doug said to Bessie and they left Joey at the table, her head in her arms.

* * *

Doug dropped her home around eight, fully fed and she almost laughed at the sight of her place. A shiny new microwave was on a new shelf in the kitchen and the cupboards were so full they barely shut. On the table was a gym bag and when Joey looked inside there was a new maternity swimsuit and a towel. Joey looked around the room and realized she felt a little of something she thought she'd never feel again. A little hope. Walking into the living room she looked at her usual spot on the floor and then at the couch. Very deliberately she walked to the edge of the couch and reaching down she touched the fabric. It was soft. With a sigh she lowered herself onto it and then promptly burst into tears. They soon faded and she continued to sit. Pulling out her journal she wrote and wrote until a banging on the door interrupted her.

She pushed herself off the delightfully comfortable couch and walked across the apartment, opening the door. Pacey,_ of course_.

'I got you this,' he held out a small CD player which she took. 'And this,' he handed her Fleetwood Mac's album _Rumours_. 'They say music can help, you know release endorphins and well...this is a great cd.'

'Thanks,' she took a step back.

'Can I come in?' he asked and he looked hopeful.

'No,' she shook her head.

'I have to go tomorrow, back to Boston.'

'Ok.'

'Doug and I...well he had an idea, about...'

'I have to go,' she took another step back needing some distance. 'Thanks.'

'Will you use it?' he looked at the player and she nodded,

'Yes,' she answered sincerely and put a hand on her stomach. His eyes flicked to the hand.

'You have a very small bump,' he said softly, almost reverentially.

'I'm tall,' she stated. 'The baby is there. You can feel it's feet, it's bum. It turns somersaults.'

'Can you feel it? Through the skin?' he asked and she nodded. 'May I?' he looked at her and tears filled her eyes.

'No,' she whispered. 'You can't touch me. I'm sorry.' And she shut the door.

She looked at the small CD player and moved to the plug socket near her spot on the floor. Pulling it from it's box she plugged it in. She removed the cardboard from the disc player bit and then opened the case and put the cd into the player. She flicked through the cd and then pressed play. She lay back on the floor as the sounds of the guitar filled the apartment.

_Never going back again. _A new mantra for a new day. Back to what it didn't matter. She wasn't looking back anymore but forward. She had to. No matter the tears it caused, no matter the pain. She had to look forward. This wasn't the life she wanted but she had to fight the drowning misery and create a life that could give her some kind of happiness. The problem with depression was she wasn't sure she could do what she wanted anymore. She lacked faith in herself where once she'd had tons. The song ended. Sitting up, she flicked the back button so it played again.

* * *

The next day she had off and it was a relief. She looked around at all the stuff in her once empty place. Doug had constructed the cot and put it in her room. She moved the mattress into it but left it in it's plastic. She looked at Pacey's bed, under it's sheet. Next she put the books she never read out of boxes and onto the bookshelf. On the table she put Kerry's book on depression and the baby book she'd given her. Maybe she would read them. Next she sorted baby clothes into a bag to take to the laundromat along with a bag of her clothes. She realized she needed a dresser of some sort for the baby clothes. Hers were fine in the wardrobe but the kids clothes were to small. They were tiny. She looked at a small onsie that Alex had worn. Hard to believe he'd ever been that small. Sighing she put them in a pile next to Pacey's bed. She stared at it again. She lifted the sheet off of it and looked at it. It's worn old mattress was covered by a worn mattress protector. She didn't like to think of all that had gone into that. No doubt his mother had washed it, but his smell still saturated it, just like his pillow and comforter. After a moment she sat on the bed. She picked up the pillow and held it to her nose. Holding it against her she curled up on the bed, huge sobs wracking her body.

* * *

'Did you go out at all yesterday?' Gretchen handed Joey two padded envelopes and a bill.

'No. I sorted things out, then lay in Pacey's bed and wasted a couple of hours sobbing.'

'Wow, productive,' Gretchen teased.

'For me it was. I need a dresser. I have clothes to wash and I put books on my shelves. Shouldn't you be in Boston?'

'I had an extra day off. I thought we could hang out a bit.'

'As I'm such fun?' Joey asked sarcastically.

'You can be.'

'Liar,' Joey smiled and Gretchen poured them both a bowl of cereal.

'You're actually here to make sure I eat, huh?'

'Well Doug's working.'

'So am I.'

'Actually when you fainted on the local cop they changed your shifts and you're not on until tomorrow.'

'At least they didn't fire me,' Joey stated.

'Are you going to open those packages.'

'They're from Pacey,' Joey stated.

'I know,' Gretchen rolled her eyes. 'What's the worst that's going to happen?'

'They'll make me cry?'

'Don't you cry nearly constantly?'

'Well yeah,' Joey admitted and opened the first envelope. It was another cd, Paul Simon's _Graceland_.

'Classic album,' Gretchen apparently approved.

'He thinks music will help me,' Joey shrugged.

'What's the note say?'

'What note?'

'Pacey has always put notes in the sleeves of CD's. Notes hidden in the case.'

'Oh,' she pulled out the cover and a small post it fell out.

_I miss you_

Joey's eyes filled with tears, as she pushed the note back into the cd and closed the case.

'Are you ok?' Gretchen asked.

'He doesn't miss me. This is all because I'm having his baby. It's not about me. I know how he feels about me.'

'Joey we all say things to cover up hurt.'

'Well if those were just things to cover up hurt, they were the wrong things. How can he miss someone who makes him feel like he's nothing?'

'Joey,' Gretchen beseeched. 'Are you going to open the other one?' She asked but Joey shook her head.

'You open it if you want,' she shrugged and so Gretchen did. Nirvana, _Nevermind_.

'Another good choice,' she stated and pulled out the front cover, revealing another post it.

_It was all me._

'It wasn't,' Joey insisted and left the table.

* * *

'I'm not sure an Ikea hot dog officially counts as food,' Joey teased when Gretchen put one in her hand.

'It counts more than nothing at all,' Gretchen pointed out. 'Hal, my new boyfriend, you know the one you ask nothing about, he said that in England they found horse meat in the meatballs.'

'Whats so wrong with horse meat? I mean compared to what's in this it can't be that bad?'

'Point taken,' Gretchen eyed her hot dog.

'Thanks for bringing me here,' Joey said.

'It's a pleasure.'

'So where did you meet Hal?'

'At college.'

'How is it being back?'

'Better than I thought it would be. I enjoy studying and I study a little harder than I did before. Hal is good motivation given that he's top of the class.'

'Do you love him?'

'I love how he makes me feel and I love spending time with him.'

'Does he love you?'

'He says he does. He's a quiet guy, listens more than talks but when he does speak he mostly says the right thing.'

'Is it weird being a year behind?'

'Not really. College is a social whirl, incredibly lonely without ever having a minute to yourself.'

'I wish I could have gone to college,' Joey mused.

'One day,' Gretchen said.

'What, when my kid's six and at school? I can be the old lady in the back row.'

'Why not?'

'Maybe,' Joey shrugged. 'There'll never be enough money though. I know how it goes. My mom wanted to go to college and when they married my dad promised her, but no.'

'You're not your mom.'

'No, her guy stuck around.'

'Joey, Pacey wants to be there for you.'

'No he wants to be there for the baby. That's different. My dad was a bastard. He cheated on my dying mother and he got himself locked up, but he did love her.'

'I don't think Pacey feels about you the way you think he does,' Gretchen said carefully.

'Why would my being pregnant change how he feels about me?' Joey asked tiredly,

'I don't think it has.'

'Then what do you mean?'

'I don't think Pacey ever fell out of love with you. He went to Boston because he thought you would be there.'

'By the end he hated me Gretchen. He said I made him feel like the "_designated loser._"'

'Wow,' Gretchen's eyes widened, 'he can be harsh when he's writhing in his own self-deprecating crap.'

'But I made him feel that way. I defended myself but he told me in no uncertain terms that it was me. And he's right. It was me. It was all me. It was all about who I am and that is not the right person for him.'

'Joey, Pacey was on a downward spiral senior year and he was taking everyone down with him. He turned on you instead of himself.'

'I should have expected more, he's right,' Joey said instead. 'With low expectations there's nothing to live up to, no sense of worth. I don't know why it happened though. I felt us drifting and I didn't know how to fix it. He was so isolated and I just couldn't get through, so I pretended it didn't matter. You don't kick a dog when it's down.'

'I don't blame you,' Gretchen shook her head. 'I mean I don't blame Pacey either. It's hard figuring out life. He shouldn't have said what he said.'

'But he meant it.'

'You can't dictate the course of your entire life on one crappy prom.'

'I didn't want to love Pacey you know that? I didn't want all the trouble it brought but there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I loved him with every atom of my being and it killed to be apart from him. I tried to resist. To protect everyone, to not hurt anyone, but I needed him. I needed him so much. He made me happy. Bessie said she'd never seen me happy like I was around him. And it was true. With all his gestures, big and small, all the things he said. I'd never felt quite as loved before, quite as secure. I thought he'd love me forever.'

'You still love him,' Gretchen said it without thinking, her eyes widened, her tongue as always too quick for her brain. Joey's eyes filled with tears but she pushed them back.

'No,' she shook her head. 'I don't.' They both knew she was lying.

* * *

Joey had taken to opening the packages that arrived from Pacey and placing them around the room in the order they arrived. She would stick the post it note on front of each cd and instead of lying on the floor in the dark she now sat in her rocking chair, music playing and staring at the cd's and their adorning post it's.

I'm sorry  
I miss you  
It was all me  
Alone in my head  
I had hurt in my heart  
I blamed you  
Which wasn't true  
I was in trouble  
I was sad  
I hurt really bad  
And so I blamed you  
With things that I said  
Designed to hurt  
To make you feel  
As sad as me

Over two weeks of packages and no sign of him. Which was what she had asked. She was doing better - marginally. Oh she was still depressed but it wasn't quite so all prevalent, maybe because she was no longer alone. Bessie popped by now, and invited her over. Bodie would arrive in the truck and pick her up. Doug or one of the Witter's called through most days. She knew it was to check up on her or to bring her a portion of whatever it was Mary had cooked. Even John Witter called through to see her and they spent a few awkward minutes drinking tea in silence. Awkward for him, she didn't feel awkward any more.

It was finally December and Doug had set her up a little tree. She didn't feel like celebrating and she still would cry at almost anything, but she was eating more, she was exercising with Kerry, she sometimes found herself smiling and though she hated to admit it, the music, in it's own way was helping. She could almost see a time when she might be able to separate out her feelings from Pacey, how he saw her and how she saw herself. She might be able to accept her fault in what happened and acknowledge his and somehow try and then one day maybe even move on. That day felt far away and the path still blurry.

She looked at the computer she had borrowed from Anna, the last of Pacey's siblings to visit. Joey hadn't seen Anna since she had left home at sixteen when Pacey was only eight. She was tall and willowy and most like Pacey in appearance. She worked in Boston as a lawyer and had visited one Sunday with Gretchen. She was quieter than the others, she seemed to look and observe and that suited Joey quite well. She'd hugged Joey goodbye even though they didn't know each other.

'I knew Bessie,' she had said. 'Grade below me at school. You were just my kid brothers friend.'

'Pacey and I weren't friends,' Joey began but Anna had looked at her,

'Then why were you always together?'

Anna had left the computer after her visit. It was an old laptop she no longer used and had cleaned up. Ethan had suggested she shape up her journal and submit it as the paper was doing a special focus on depression in the New Year and maybe it could be formed into a column of sorts. It seemed sort of wrong to Joey but she needed money, income, something, anything, beyond the diner and her thoughts and so she did as was asked. She kept it to a thousand words, that first downward spiral, as requested and emailed it to Ethan to proof. Ethan had been full of praise and had sent it to his editor. Whilst she waited to hear back she focused on typing up the rest of her journal. If couldn't hurt.

Checking her email she saw a new message from Ethan which she opened. He told her the editor would be in touch in a couple of days which she supposed was fine. She had finally accessed her emails, after Doug insisted she get wifi and Anna had provided the computer. Staring at Ethan's email she decided then and there that she aught to email her friends. She knew they all probably knew everything from Pacey anyway, they had after all sent her a ton of emails she couldn't yet bare to read, but she decided whilst she was sat there she aught to get it done. She emailed them all individually and then feeling exhausted moved to her rocking chair. She looked at the CDs around the room and finally picked up an album by 10cc and put it on. She put the case carefully back in it's place and sat back in her chair. She wasn't sure how many times she played the album but many hours must have passed.

The knock at the door made her jump. Doug had been over earlier and she hadn't expected anyone else. Opening the door she saw Jen and Jack stood there, eyes shining, a look of expectation on their faces. And of course she did what she always did these days - burst into tears.

'It was supposed to be a good surprise Joey,' Jen said.

'It is,' Joey nodded and sat back on her rocking chair, turning it to face the couch. She pulled her legs up close and pressed her eyes against her knees. She sensed rather than saw Jen and Jack sit on the couch. 'This is what I do now, cry a lot.'

'Pacey said,' Jen admitted, she and Jack looking at their friend.

'I'm sure,' she wiped the tears away and looked at them, 'it's really good to see you.'

'It's good to see you Joey,' Jack said and frowned, 'not sad, but you know, still here.'

'I wasn't going to kill myself. I couldn't hurt the baby,' Joey stated unaware of what that implied.

'Hopefully you couldn't hurt you,' Jen understood better than Joey realized.

'No...not now. The tablets must be working and Doug and his family...they're being good. I'm trying. Sometimes I try and I get no where and other days I try and I achieve something. I made some drawers for the baby's clothes. That was a good day.'

'Is it a boy or a girl?' Jack asked looking with interest at her stomach.

'I don't know. I didn't want to.'

'Your place is nice,' Jen said.

'Now. For a few months it was just me and a shell. Doug and his family, they have really helped.'

'Pacey said you're spending a lot of time with Doug,' Jack said it oh so casually.

'We're friends,' Joey said rather abruptly. 'We um...well I actually ran into Ethan,' Joey said to change the subject.

'Ethan? Wow, I haven't thought about him for a while.'

'No. He's graduated and working at the Boston Globe.'

'Where on earth did you see him?'

'Some bar,' Joey shrugged. 'Tell me about college life? Tell me everything? Make me believe I'm there and when I cry, try not to be put off.'

'Can we make a drink first?' Jen teased and Joey nodded.

'Apparently we have to make you a sandwich,' Jack said it cautiously.

'Oh,' Joey looked at them, 'I'm not hungry.'

'Pacey said...'

'I don't care what Pacey said,' she shook her head and stood up. 'I don't want a sandwich, I want a banana,' she stated rather obstinately and took one from the fruit bowl.

'Wow, look at your belly,' Jack was looking at it like it was an alien or something. 'Holy crap it just moved,' he jumped back.

'It's not gonna burst out and cover you in acid,' Joey rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand. 'It's kicking,' she said and Jack's eyes widened.

'My turn,' Jen hip checked Jack out the way and put her hand on her friends stomach. 'Weird.'

'Really weird.'

'How did I not work out what was going on?' Jen frowned.

'I didn't know. I was just sad...sad all the time. I didn't think about anything else.'

'I'm sorry. I feel like we let you down,' Jen said but Joey shook her head,

'I let myself down,' was all she said before moving back to the rocking chair and sitting there, staring out the window.

'Are all these from Pacey?' Jack was crouched in front of the CDs, reading the post it's.

'He sends one every day.'

'Wow.'

'It's not real,' Joey explained.

'Huh?' Jen frowned at her, looking at the CDs as well.

'What he writes. What he said to me, at the end, that was real.'

'How do you know? I mean what makes one more real than the other?'

'This is because of the baby. The other was because it was true. Now tell me about college, or leave if you want to talk about Pacey. I don't want to talk about him anymore.'

'College is...hmmm jacks in a fraternity.'

'And Jen's sleeping with a guy that everyone else is too,' Jack volleyed back.

* * *

_Dear Joey,_

_I am really sorry to hear your news. I know it must feel terrible, especially with how much you wanted to escape Capeside. Maybe you can still do it one day._

_I find it very hard to think think about you having a baby, Pacey's baby, and not just because of what this means for your future. I wish I had managed to persuade you to make a different choice back when this could have been avoided._

_I don't have much knowledge or experience of depression. I'm told you can't just jolly yourself out of it, which I suppose makes sense. I'm here for you Joey. You are my oldest friend and just because this hurts me, does not mean I won't be there for you. I'm sorry you and Pacey can't work things out, though I was there at prom and I understand your feelings._

_With love_

_Dawson._

* * *

I'm sorry  
I miss you  
It was all me

Alone in my head  
I had hurt in my heart  
I blamed you

Which wasn't true  
I was in trouble  
I was sad  
I hurt really bad  
And so I blamed you  
With things that I said  
Designed to hurt  
To make you feel  
As sad as me

I blamed you  
But it was all me  
Bad feelings grew  
Love faded  
But love didn't die

_Love didn't die?_ She almost threw that post-it away but dutifully she lined it up, wondering if she might one day run out of room. It wasn't as if he was banging down her door. Christmas was two weeks away and her sister and the Witter's wanted her to spend it with them. Jen and Jack would be with Dawson and she'd had an invitation there as well. She had politely declined all three. It would be too much, the joviality. She may be a little improved but the despair still curled in her stomach, clutched at her heart and caused her tear ducts to work overtime. There was a knock at the door. She moved from her position on her rocking chair and answered the door. Pacey of course. She wondered what he would make of her cd display, not that she really cared.

'Hello,' he said and smiled, a proper smile. 'You look a little better.'

'I eat now. It's an improvement,' she stepped back.

'May I come in?' he asked a little wearily. 'I have a gift.'

'I don't need a gift,' she said.

'It's a book,' he handed her the gift bag.

'I don't read anymore,' she stated bluntly.

'This isn't a book to read, it's a book to fill in. I saw it in this shop in Boston and I thought of you,' he pulled out the book. 'See it's all about the baby, I thought you might like it.'

'I do. Thank you,' she took the book and held it against her chest. He smiled again disarming her. She hadn't seen him smile like that for a long time.

'May I come in?' he repeated, 'just for a few minutes.' At length she nodded and took a step back to allow him in. He kicked off his shoes and moved through the apartment and she saw him look at the tree and then at all his CDs lining the room. The Velvet Underground were playing and there was a cold cup of tea on the table. She put the book on the table next to the two books she'd put there a while ago, the one on depression and the one on babies. She sat down in her old spot on the floor, not quite able to sit on furniture with him in the room. It somehow felt too far to fall. 'I like your tree,' he said.

'Doug got it for me,' she stated.

'Doug does a lot for you,' Pacey mused but Joey didn't really care what he thought about that. 'I know I haven't been to see you,' he began.

'I asked you not to,' she pointed out.

'I would have but I've been sorting some things out in Boston. I wanted to tell you that I'm moving back to Capeside.'

'You shouldn't do that. I don't want you here.'

'I was only in Boston because you were supposed to be there. You're here, I'm here,' he said simply. 'I thought it was fair that I tell you.'

'Thank you,' a small rivulet of condensation on the windowpane caught her eye and she followed it as it tracked a path down the window, watching as it hit other droplets and grew bigger. Doug was meant to do the plastic on the windows thing the next week sometime. She wondered if it would get rid of the condensation. She looked back at him after the silence stretched. He was staring at her, looking between her face and her stomach.

'Will you,' he began but his voice cracked. He coughed, 'will you have them call me, when the baby is born. I would like to be there.'

'Ok,' she nodded.

'I miss you Joey,' he said but she shook her head.

'You don't. If I wasn't pregnant you'd be with some other girl now. Probably someone that would really hurt me, like my college roommate. You wouldn't be telling me you miss me. You can't possibly miss the way I made you feel. You should go.'

'Please may I...' he began and looked at her stomach, 'just for a second.'

'No. You mustn't touch me, I just couldn't bare it,' she visibly backed up into the wall.

'Ok...I'm sorry,' he backed away.

'You need to go now,' she looked to the door. 'Thank you for my book.'

'Todays cd,' he said and handed her a copy of REM's album _Up_.

'Thank you,' she took it carefully, ensuring their fingers didn't brush.

* * *

It had been a long shift and Joey was tired. Doug had called through to see her at work. Neither of them mentioned Pacey though she did talk about Ethan. Doug was thrilled that she'd heard back from the Globes editor and that they were going to publish her diary weekly, as a kind of column looking at mental health. They weren't yet sure how it would be received but it would go in the paper in the new year. They were going to get back to her with a salary offer in the next few days, but it would be dependent on feedback to her column.

Joey had stayed an extra hour at work so when she got home she merely kicked off her shoes and her clothes, and dressed in leggings and a t-shirt. The sadness had been creeping into her all day, probably because of Pacey's visit. She put on her new REM album and lay on the floor in the dark. Tears leaked from her eyes but the body wracking sobs didn't come, perhaps her exhaustion was too large. It felt as though a rock had been placed on her heart and it was being squashed smaller and smaller until it might just explode into a bloody mess. Maybe she was heartless. Maybe she just wasn't as nice as she had always thought she was. She'd been mean to Jen when she first arrived. She'd cheated on Dawson. Then she hurt Dawson repeatedly by falling for Pacey. And Pacey - well she turned him from a heart on his sleeve go-getter to designated loser. It was clear the problem was hers. She hurt Bessie too and her father, her poor father trapped back to prison by his daughter. So many mistakes, so many hurts and she did them all without meaning to. Perhaps the mean was in her soul and it just leaked out and effected all those around her. Who would be next? Doug, or Gretchen or even Mr Witter who'd called around to see her a few days earlier and taught her how to play patience, leaving her with a pack of cards. Fresh tears fell down her cheeks.

She ignored the knock at the door at first, but it was repeated several times.

'Just come in, I'm not getting up,' she yelled at length and the door opened. The apartment was pitch black so she didn't know who it was, but they knew enough to kick off their shoes.

'Should I turn on a light?' Pacey asked and her heart squashed a little further. She took in a harsh half sob, half breath.

'No,' she rasped. For a few moments there was silence, clearly his eyes were adjusting because after a few minutes he lay down beside her, not touching but there. She turned her head from him, her body shaking with tears that at some point subsided.

She couldn't say how much time had passed, whether he was even still there or not, or if he had even been there in the first place. She turned her head and in the darkness broken only by a little moonlight she saw him, his eyes open and on her.

'I'm sorry,' he whispered but she just looked at him. 'I have to go, but I came to give you this.' He put a cd between them - _Best of the Jam._ She hadn't looked at the post-it in yesterday's cd and she wasn't planning to. She needed space.

'You should stop,' she said at length. Instead of responding he got to his feet and looked down at her.

'Why is your bed in the corridor?' he asked.

'Ask your brother,' she closed her eyes listening as he walked across the apartment and put his shoes on.

'I'll be home for good in a week. I'll be at Doug's for a while. Until I sort out somewhere to stay.'

She didn't answer. What was there to say to a boy being forced to be somewhere he'd rather not be. She'd made it clear he was free, but he didn't listen.

**Please review! This story will take time. It is about falling in love but obviously lots more as well. REVIEW please!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for the reviews guys! I'd like to say this is finished but I'm struggling with an ending for either version. The reviews help with the motivation and sometimes the ideas! Please keep it up! **

**Chapter Four**

**Bang. Bang. Bang.**

'So Joey, weekend before Christmas and you and I are going shopping,' Jen smiled at her from the corridor.

'I hate shopping.'

'At the moment you hate everything, so we may as well do something I like.'

'Fair point,' Joey conceded. 'I just need to change.' She went into her room, pulled on a skirt, and a sweater, then returned to the hallway for her coat, boots and bag.

'You're quick.'

'Where are we going?'

'The usual little crafty stores here and there. I'm also going to give you your gift.'

'You shouldn't have got me anything,' Joey shook her head.

'Well I did,' Jen smirked.

* * *

'We're painting pottery?' a queer little frown had appeared on Joey's face. She wasn't sure how she felt about it. The store was near the water and quiet.

'I thought you could make a plate for junior. You know, something special.'

'I haven't painted in so long,' Joey bit her lip. Part of her wanted to, the other part was worried about the holes within her soul it might open.

'Try it,' Jen seemed to sense her inner struggle. 'Come on.'

* * *

They were quiet as they painted, completely absorbed in the task. First of all they had sketched the design and then painted. Joey was particularly slow and careful.

'What is it?' Jen asked at length.

'You'll see,' she murmured and smiled a genuine smile and stood to select some paints. Jen peered at her friends plate until she returned to the table.

'May I use my fingers?' she asked the lady who worked there.

'Of course,' the woman shrugged. Joey carefully pressed her finger into the brown paint and using a piece of paper dabbed off the excess. She repeated this two or three times under Jen's watchful eye and then with infinite care and precision used her finger to create the buttocks, then body, head, legs of a bear, even his muzzle. Jen and the shop owner abandoned pretence of working themselves and leaned a little closer, as Joey picked up her paintbrush and using tiny strokes added eyes and a nose and even claws, before adding other animals. A racoon, a snake, a wolf, birds, bees and flowers, all with her fingers.

'That's beautiful Jo,' Jen stared down at her own plate with her name graffitied on it. It had it's own appeal. She looked back to Joey who was fingerprinting blades of grass on the rim of the plate, her top teeth clamped on that bottom lip.

'Done,' she said at length and grinned at Jen. 'I don't think I thought about anything sad for the whole time we were here.'

'Two hours'

'Wow,' Joey looked at her plate.

'You can do a bowl, a cup, a piggybank. You name it, you can paint it.'

'Thank you, for a wonderful present,' she said as the lady told them when they could collect them.

'It's a pleasure.'

'Jen, I wanted to ask you something,' Joey frowned as they headed towards the boardwalk by the water.

'Anything.'

'I've never been very nice to you. Not that I can think of. Why are you friends with me?'

'Wow, Joey, talk about taking it from the left field. What do you mean you've never been nice to me?' Jen looped her arm through Joey's.

'When you first arrived I was a bitch, junior year I wasn't interested and was self involved. Senior year I was even more self involved. Are we actually friends or is it just that there was no one else?'

'Ok, so that's a serious question you have there. I'll give it a serious answer. You know you can always trust me for that.'

'True.'

'Well I guess that's the first thing to say. Our friendship has always been honest and yes at times you were a bitch, you could be mean and you could be spiteful. I know now that I intimidated you, that I usurped your position but you did not handle it all that well.'

'No...I've been realizing I didn't handle a lot of things well,' Joey stared out at the water.

'But you do realize you were always there for me, and I was always there for you and that is the crux of a true friendship.'

'But was I? Was I really? I remember you being there, telling me I was beautiful, encouraging me, helping me deal with emotions I didn't understand. But my memories have it all very one way.'

For a few minutes they walked in silence.

'I don't remember it that way,' Jen said in the end. 'I've had fun being your friend Joey. It's been a roller coaster, but fun. You've given me support when I needed it, advice when I've asked for it and you've been a constant. There were never many constants in my life.'

'I want to do better. Better by everyone. I appreciate what you've said, but I also hear what you haven't said. We don't have loads of memories because I wouldn't make them,' Joey shrugged.

'Well we have a few. New York for starters, tricking Dawson that Halloween, roller rink dressing up...'

'Ok, there have been a few.'

'Dawson arrives tomorrow,' Jen stated.

'I know. We've emailed a couple of times. He's a little distant but who can really blame him.'

'Grams rented a little cottage on the creek and everyone is coming over. You want to come and start making more crazy memories?' Jen offered but Joey froze.

'I... No... I couldn't,' she stuttered.

'Why not?'

'I'd just...it becomes too much Jen, the world just gets heavier and heavier until I want to make it all disappear. I don't think the emptiness in me could cope with the fullness of all of you.'

'It will just be Jack, Dawson, Pacey and me. That's it. If it gets to much you go up to my room, we shut the blinds and I'll make you a nest.'

'A nest?'

'Yes a nest.'

'Ok...I'll see how I'm doing after work.'

'That's all I ask.'

* * *

Joey decided to walk to Jen's. Mainly because she didn't have a car but it also gave her time to find some peace inside, to breathe and recite her mantra of calm. It was a long way, at least two miles but it felt good. Swimming with Kerry was definitely keeping her muscles looser. It was a pretty little house, not dissimilar to the B&B. She knew she should knock. She was there, a little late, and invited but she just couldn't seem to make her hand reach the door. After a few minutes she walked down the dock and sat on the end, her coat thankfully shielding her from the icy dock. It was beginning to get dark when Dawson sat down beside her.

'We thought you weren't coming and then I saw you out here.'

'I just couldn't knock,' she shrugged.

'You should have just come in?'

'I should have but I just couldn't,' she said again.

'Oh,' he looked back at the water. 'I thought you were pregnant,' there was almost a trace of amusement in his voice as he looked her over. She opened up her coat to show him the small, neat bump. 'Oh,' he stared at it. 'I want to be here for you Joey but I don't really know how. I'm so far away.'

'It's nice knowing you care.'

'I'll always care about you. You know I always thought, I always thought in the end it would be you and me. That we'd go off and do our own things and then in the end, life would lead back to each other. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt. But it's not finite Joey. I could still love you even with Pacey's child.'

'I don't deserve to be loved,' she stared at him, feeling the burn of tears.

'Everyone deserves love, especially you.'

'No,' she shook her head, 'you're wrong. Loving me brings sadness and despair. Ask you, ask Pacey. So whilst I appreciate the sentiment of what you just said, I don't want it. I want you to fall in love, fall in love with someone like Jen, someone who is good in her heart and forget about me.'

'Joey,' Dawson looked at her in surprise.

'I have to go,' she whispered and stood abruptly. As she passed the house Jen opened the door and pulled her in. 'Upstairs,' she told her and Joey kicked off her shoes and went upstairs. There were only two rooms and in one there was a massive nest of cushions, duvets, blankets, throw pillows. Joey got in and buried herself down in it. Closing her eyes in the darkness her breathing came a little easier. For a long while she was alone and then she heard Jen's soft tread on the stairs.

'Are you ok?'

'No,' Joey shook her head, 'but you built me a nest so I'm better.'

'Would you like to come downstairs?'

'Yes, I'd like to try.'

'Come then,' Jen held out her hand and Joey took it.

'I'm sorry this friendship is still one way. I don't know when, but it will change,' Joey promised.

'I'm just fine with this friendship,' and she gave Joey's hand a squeeze as they walked into the living room. Jack, Pacey and Dawson were laughing together in front of a warm fire. The table had the remnants of snacks on it.

'Here,' Jack stood to give her his seat but she dropped to the floor in front of the fire.

'I prefer the fire,' she said softly and smiled as Jen joined in the boys heated debate about Edward vs. Jacob. Given that Joey had no clue who either was she just watched as they berated and bantered back and forth. Dawson was all for  
Edward as was Jack. Pacey and Jen were arguing for Jacob. Whilst he laughed and joked with the rest of them, Pacey's eyes were glued to her.

'You have to weigh in Joey, otherwise there'll be a stale mate all night,' Dawson looked at her pleadingly.

'I will admit that I have got absolutely no idea whatsoever what anyone is talking about. You're arguing over two guys, I don't know why, I don't know what happens when one wins or the other, but that's all I've got.'

'Wow...you've been really, really out of it,' Jack reached across and put a hand on her forehead.

'Knock it off,' she swiped at his hand.

'I'll lend you the books Joey - there's a couple but apparently more to come. You may relate to Bella. She suffers from depression too,' Jen stated and Joey appreciated her being upfront. Bessie couldn't even bare to use the word.

'I don't really read anymore.'

'But if you don't read the books you can never weigh in on our incredibly intellectual debate - Edward or Jacob, I mean aren't you just dying to know more about these two fellows?' Pacey said with such grand fake enthusiasm that she actually laughed. The sound surprised her and the others. Pacey for his part looked incredibly pleased.

'I will take the books but I make no promises.'

'Jacob,' Jen hissed.

'Edward,' Dawson said out the side of his mouth.

'Shut up,' she said after sucking her lips in, making her face a ludicrous imitation of theirs. Jen giggled.

'So did Charlie call like he said?' Joey asked leaning toward Jen, referencing a college guy Jen had spoken of - her attempt to equalize their friendship.

'He did, but it was a little strained.'

'I'm terrible on the phone. I hate it. Maybe he just wasn't sure of himself. He sounds like he likes you and maybe he was worried about how he was going to come across.'

'Maybe...he did sound nervous.'

Joey continued to listen to Jen. It was part of a vow she'd made to herself to listen more and talk less. Life needed to be less about her and more about others. Jen seemed to be appreciating it and taking full advantage to dissect her new relationship.

'Are you ok on the floor?' Jen asked at length.

'I really prefer it,' Joey nodded and then took Jen's hand and put it on her stomach.

'Wow, feisty,' Jen laughed.

'You can feel it move?' Dawson interrupted. 'Can I?' he held up a hand and Joey, with a quick glance at Pacey, nodded. Dawson crouched down in front of her and put a hand to her stomach. 'Wow, you can really feel it, especially given how small your bump is.'

'I'm tall, that's why it looks so small,' Joey stated, ignoring the fact that the light had gone out of Pacey. What was she supposed to do? She just couldn't have him touch her, not knowing how much she repulsed him, how it made him feel to touch her. It would be so wrong - so wrong to touch her and not feel that way because of the baby. Like passing through horror to reach joy. No.

'I need to go,' Joey stated somewhat abruptly. 'I'm walking and it's dark and so I should go.'

'I'll drive you,' Pacey said and nobody else dared offer.

'Ok,' she conceded and hugged Jen and the others goodbye, before leaving with Pacey.

'This car,' Pacey led her to an old Chevrolet and unlocked it opening her door for her.

'Thank you,' she slipped inside and put on her seat belt.

'I'm glad you came tonight,' he said as they drove through the dark night.

'Mmmm,' it felt very weird being in a car with him, so close and yet so much space between them.

'I don't know what to say to you anymore,' he admitted.

'Jen built me a nest,' Joey said ignoring his statement, 'I thought tonight might be too much and so she built me a nest up in her room. Isn't that the nicest thing ever?'

'A nest?' he frowned. 'As in an actual nest?'

'Yes, of blankets, duvets, pillows, cushions.'

'What did Dawson say to you?' Pacey asked.

'That he could still love me eventually, even with your baby.'

'Wow,' Pacey didn't say more on the subject but his eyes darkened. She chose to say no more, 'Joey.'

'Yes,' she looked at him as he pulled over in front of her building.

'I'm not sad to be back.'

'Oh,' she wasn't really sure what to say about that.

'Here,' he headed her a cd.

'A bit of U2,' she said and took the cd. 'Thank you.'

'Joey,' he said again,

'Yes?'

'I would really love to feel the baby,' he turned in his seat. 'Just for a moment.'

'I can't do that, no,' she shook her head. 'You have to touch me to feel the baby. I don't want you to touch me. It won't change Pace. I'm not trying to hurt you. In fact I'm trying to protect both of us from hurt.'

'Ok,' he bit his lip and nodded. 'Ok.'

'See you,' she got out of the car and headed upstairs.

* * *

Joey walked to work the following morning, Christmas Eve. It was quiet, but not as quiet as she'd believed. In fact, on her walk to work she saw three homeless people, two old guys and a younger guy. She thought back to Christmas's in her past, back when her mom was sick and money was tight. Slowly an idea occurred to her. When she got into work she looked through the fridge. There was a fair bit of stock that would be wasted by the time they reopened on the 28th. She set about opening the diner, waving to the chef and then she took out a large piece of paper from the office and began working. By the time her boss arrived she was done and she presented her idea.

'I want to do a Christmas Day breakfast for the homeless or those in need. I'm not doing anything this Christmas but I want to do this. There's a fair bit of stock that will be wasted whilst we are closed but anything I use that we could have used I'll pay for. I just...know what it's like to feel like nobody cares and I want them to know that somebody does. I made a poster and a few fliers. Just please say yes.'

'How can you hope to serve and make?' her boss squinted at her. He was an old guy but a nice one. He was used to his silent but efficient waitress.

'I'll make the food,' Gus the chef appeared behind her. 'She ain't the only one with nowhere to go.'

'Thank you Gus,' she smiled at him, another genuine smile.

'Ok.'

'Ok?' Joey couldn't really believe it was so easy.

'Go hand out some of those fliers now,' Hank her boss told her and she rushed through to the back and pulled on her coat before grabbing her hand written fliers and heading into the cold. She found her three homeless guys easily and told them and gave them a flier, urging them to pass the news to others who might need it. Feeling something that vaguely reminded her of satisfaction she went back to work where Hank had hung her poster in the front door.

Joey actually felt a little enthusiasm as she waited on customers and thought about where she might buy crackers for the following day.

'The diner is doing breakfast for the homeless tomorrow?' Doug sat in his usual chair and Joey smiled at him.

'Some people have no one. I remember having no one, well until you walked in. I'm trying to give a little back, that's kind of the point of Christmas.'

'So it's you that's doing breakfast for the homeless then?'

'And those who need a little something.'

'That's real sweet Joey.'

'It would have been sweet if I'd been planning it for longer than three hours. But I think we might pull it off. Gus is going to come in and cook.'

'I think it shows good progress. The Joey I came to see two months ago, she wouldn't be organizing a breakfast for the homeless.'

'Don't tell anyone. This isn't about getting praise. I'm doing it because someone should.'

'Ok,' he nodded. 'Please come to ours after though, or Bessie's, or even Dawson's.'

'No...I think I'll sit this one out. It's better that way. Now where could I get some crackers?'

'Molly's is selling them half off.'

'They got lots left?'

'Enough.'

'Good.'

'You can't buy everyone crackers,' Doug frowned.

'Why not?'


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Christmas Day was a bright, sunny day, though the temperatures were well below freezing. The diner had been packed. Apparently the Capside populous needed more help than was immediately apparent. Families had slipped inside, apologies on their lips, old men and women, apparently alone. Her homeless three had turned up, with a few others. Together they'd eaten pancakes and bacon, waffles and sausages, pulled crackers and drank coffee and milkshakes. Gus had stayed and cleaned the kitchen whilst she did the rest. It was after one by the time she got home but the feeling of satisfaction had grown until she felt more buoyant than she had in months, many months.

Hanging on her apartment door and on the floor were several bags. She opened the door and took them inside.

A takeout turkey dinner from Mary with chocolates. There was a small patch work blanket from Kerry made with tons of bright rainbow colours. Joey loved it. Standing up she took it into her bedroom and laid it in the crib. It looked perfect. She grabbed the rest of the bags and sat in front of the tree to open them. Doug had provided a flat pack ikea cd rack which made her laugh out loud in the empty apartment. Maybe she would build it later. Gretchen's gift was simple, probably because Gretchen knew her well enough to know that only simple would do - a salt and pepper shaker, the salt a white sheep, the pepper a black sheep. They were cute. Anna had sent her a plain white picture frame. Joey was relieved it was empty. Bessie had apparently been round as well. Practical as ever she'd given her sister some tea towels, maternity supplies and baby clothes. Joey looked at the maternity pads and breast pads and frowned putting them to one side. Maybe she'd walk over there later. Maybe she was wrong to punish her sister, make her sister worry when it was her crap that caused the problems.

Bodie had given her chocolate. He always gave her chocolate and Alex had drawn her a picture. Standing she attached it to the fridge. Sitting back down in her rocking chair she had one bag left. She opened it up. A cd - the Barenaked Ladies do the Holidays and a package wrapped up in tissue with a little card on it.

Jen told me you made a plate for the baby. I went to look at it and I made a bowl. It's not as good as yours but I made it with love. I also collected your plate for you.

She pulled out her plate and put it to one side and then reached in for the bowl and laughed out loud. He'd tried to do fingerprint animals but paint was smudged everywhere, and the animals were all distinctly overweight. She hugged it to her chest for a moment and then burst into tears. Well it had been a few hours.

**Bang. Bang. Bang.**

'Joey,' Pacey calling softly through her door. 'Are you home?'

'Yes,' she said and he came in.

'Hey...are you ok?' he looked at her tears, 'I mean of course you're not. I'm sorry, stupid question,' Pacey was immediately beside her, looking helpless as she cried.

'It's ok, I am ok. I'm good today. I've had a good day. I just...I liked your bowl,' she pulled the bowl from against her stomach and held it out.

'You liked it, so you cried?' he gave her a look, one of his old looks, the sort of you're crazy Potter, looks.

'Better than me crying because I hated it,' she smirked and he laughed,

'You make an extremely valid point Potter. I tried, I really tried but my animals all turned out fat and like three year old versions of yours.'

'Finger painting is a skill,' she gave him a look.

'You were out this morning?' he asked and she nodded.

'Yeah, things to do.'

'But you're not planning on coming to our place? I think my family like you better than me, they asked me to come and convince you. Well actually they asked Doug because they think you like him better than me, but I told them I wanted to see you today. Their response - so do we!'

'They don't like me better. Don't say that,' she shook her head.

'Ok, so they love me more, but like you more...' he clarified.

'Ok, so that might be true.'

'So can I convince you to make their Christmas?'

'I actually realized I aught to go to Bessie's. Maybe I can call through and see your family tomorrow.'

'They'd like that, I'd like that.'

'Come see what your sister made me,' she stood up and led him across the apartment.

'Which one?'

'Kerry,' Joey opened her bedroom door. 'A blanket. Isn't it perfect?'

'It's beautiful.' He looked around the room. It wasn't a bad size. The baby's side looked well organized with the chest of drawers and change mat and the crib. The other side had a built in wardrobe and his bed covered by it's sheet.

'I can get rid of it for you. If you would like,' he offered and she looked at the bed.

'I lay in it once. It was kind of like being held by you. You know, back before...like back on the boat when I'd sit between your legs and you'd be all around me. You have a smell you know?' she looked at him and he shook his head, 'a really nice Pacey smell. Most of the time I can't bare it anymore but I don't think I want it gone. You know, just in case.'

'Just in case?'

'In case I forget what it was like to be held by you. All things fade Pace.'

'May I ask why? Why I can't touch you?'

'You know why,' she left the room, 'or you should.'

'I don't know why,' he was right behind her.

'You told me that when you are with me you feel like you're nothing. That I make you feel like nothing. You said that I made you flinch when I touched you and that was why you didn't touch me, why you never even thought to touch me was because I made you feel like nothing. Like nothing, Pace. I don't want that. I don't want you to flinch and I don't want you touching me when it's connected with you feeling that way. Feeling that way because of me.'

'I was upset when I said those things Joey. I was angry and upset.'

'But they were true. At first I consoled myself with the angry and upset, but then it sunk in. I realized that you really did feel that way, that touching me, being near me..something that was once so necessary for us, well it had become abhorrent to you. Something associated with negativity and hurt. Do you remember that first kiss we shared, by the sign?'

'Yeah,' he gave her a small smile as they sat on the floor together.

'And your leg against me up at Aunt Gwen's. I have so many memories where our touching meant so much. Lips pressed together, fingers entwined, you inside me. I question them all. I wonder which moment it was when you first recoiled from me. How many times did we touch, make love even when you really didn't want to. I wonder about this baby. Was it made with love, or feelings of nothing? I'm pretty sure it was the latter.'

'Joey,' Pacey stared at her.

'There is nothing to say, it's ok. Depression is wonderful for self reflection. I know myself better than I ever have. I recognize my many, many errors and flaws. I'm trying to change but it's hard. Especially when sadness overwhelms me constantly. It's like climbing endless steep stairs in the burning sun.'

'I've done a lot of self reflection since prom Joey. You're not the only one who's searched out their errors and flaws. There is no moment I regret more in my life than what I said to you on that boat.'

'You may regret saying it but we can't help how we feel.'

'Here's another perspective. I was failing. I was fucking up in big and grand ways. I was feeling pretty low, about lots of things, but most especially myself. Up until senior year I knew I wasn't the smartest or the best looking guy around but I liked myself. Somehow I lost that in senior year. Everything kept going wrong. I couldn't do anything right. And the worse I felt about myself the more everything seemed to fall apart. I didn't put enough faith in us, in you. I had you walking on eggshells and nothing you said was going to be right because I wasn't right. It wasn't you making me feel those things, i felt them about myself and I blamed you. You were just guilty of being smarter and more motivated than I. For every success you had, I failed, I kept failing until I didn't see the point anymore. You weren't fault free. You lied to Dawson about us sleeping together. You didn't help my insecurity when it came to Dawson. But I wasn't fault free either. Sometimes we say things but it doesn't make them true.'

'It doesn't really matter who's fault it was. The point it my touch changed from a source of comfort to you, to something repellent. You used to find any excuse to touch me, even before there was anything between us. To know how that changed. What touch between us came to mean, well it devastates me.'

'I wish I had a Joey bed I could climb into. To remind me of being in your arms,' he looked at the floor.

'You don't mean that,' she shook her head, tears burning.

'I do.'

'How many women did you touch this summer? How many this fall? How many naked breasts did you touch? Did you put your fingers inside any women Pace? How many did you sleep with? Did they suck you off? Did you go down on them? How many arms wrapped around you and held you close? How many told you they love you?'

'Jo,' his voice was low.

'You ask me the same question? You don't need to because you know the answer.'

'There were other girls Joey. I touched them exactly as you said. I did everything you said,' he was speaking honestly and she burst into tears. She lay back on the floor and cried for a long time. Pacey lay beside her. When her tears dried she sat up and opened up her new Christmas cd. She put it in the player and skipped to the last track, Auld land syne, and pressed play. It was a beautiful version. She looked at Pacey still lying on the floor, his eyes on her.

'You need to go,' she stated and so he stood and headed to the door. She followed him watching as he pulled on his shoes.

'I'll see you soon,' he said.

'Pace,' she said his name and before she could back out of her resolve she caught him by the hand and pressed it firmly against her stomach where the baby was flicking like a fish. She watched his eyes widen and a big bright smile spread across his face. She felt tears tumble down her own cheeks. 'Merry Christmas,' she whispered and then stepped away from him letting go of his hand. He looked at her and she was aware she must look a complete mess.

'Thank you,' he said as she slammed the door.

Bessie's no longer felt like such a good idea. Instead she went through to her room and lifted the sheet off of Pacey's bed and slipped into it, holding the pillow against her face.

* * *

'Pacey said you might come over but you didn't,' Gretchen was looking at her sternly.

'I'm sorry, I sent an email to your mom. I couldn't.'

'Bad day?'

'I don't know. Yesterday was good until Pacey came over. We talked. A lot actually. I tried to explain to him about how I recognize now that I haven't always been that nice or that good a person. We talked about touching. Why I won't let him touch me. It was a lot. He admitted to the women he's been with since me and though I know, well that he had every right to do that, that he would...I still hate it. I guess we moved things forward a bit, you know by talking.'

'He said he felt the baby move, he said you let him touch your bump,' Gretchen frowned.

'I did. If felt wrong to stop him for my own reasons, so I did.'

'And how did you feel afterwards?' Gretchen arched an eyebrow.

'I curled up in his bed and cried for five hours. Most gifts aren't free.'

'That was nice of you,' Gretchen told her sincerely.

'I'm trying to be nicer.'

'You've always been nice.'

'No...I've not been awful but actually I wasn't always nice.'

'It's pointless arguing with you these days,' Gretchen despaired.

'How was Christmas?'

'Good. Actually I think rallying around you has done a lot for family unity. First time in years we were all together.'

'Wow. And did Doug tell you his plan?'

'To come out to the family on New Year's Day, yeah, he did. I'm proud of him.'

'Me too. I think it's a great idea, to start the year honestly.'

'Have you got any resolutions?'

'I don't know, you?'

'Eat less chocolate, drink less booze and coffee, exercise more... The usual. Come on, you've got to have one?'

'I do have one. It's part of my new self prescribed depression treatment.'

'I'm listening.'

'My aim, and it's only an aim, is to do something nice for someone every single day next year. I did something recently and I realized I've spent a lot of my life taking, taking from Dawson, from Bessie, Jen, and most especially Pacey. I don't want to take from people so much.'

'That's an awesome resolution.'

'I'm not talking big stuff.'

'You mean like opening a diner and serving the homeless and needy of Capeside Christmas Day breakfast?' Gretchen smiled at her.

'Doug told you?'

'No,' Gretchen shook her head. 'The whole family traditionally goes for a walk on Christmas Day after breakfast whilst Ma cooks the lunch. Doug tried to take us elsewhere but Dad likes the view from the dock near the diner. We saw the poster and you inside cleaning. That was a nice thing to do.'

'I wish no one knew. It was supposed to be something I did that wasn't about praise or validation.'

'Whether we know it or not, it was a really nice thing to do.'

'Thanks.'

'Pacey asked me to give you this,' Gretchen handed over a copy of _Queens Greatest Hits_. Joey rolled her eyes but took her Christmas cd out and put Queen in, pressing play. She crawled across the floor and put her Christmas cd back in it's case and pulling out the post it from the queen cd, put it in place. Gretchen crawled across the room on her hands and knees and starting at the beginning began to read the post its out loud in order.

'I'm sorry,  
I miss you,  
It was all me,  
Alone in my head,  
I had hurt in my heart,  
I blamed you,  
Which wasn't true.  
I was in trouble,  
I was sad,  
I hurt really bad,  
And so I blamed you,  
With things that I said,  
Designed to hurt,  
To make you feel,  
As sad as me,  
I blamed you,  
But it was all me,  
Bad feelings grew,  
Love faded,  
But love didn't die.  
Love grows a new  
I miss your eyes  
Now your smile is gone  
For your heart I long  
The feel of your skin  
My hand on yours  
I still need you...

Wow. It's a poem.'

'I guess. Or statements. I don't know.'

'And do the CDs have meaning?' Gretchen looked at Joey.

'I think so. I don't understand them all but this is Pacey we're talking about. Fleetwood Mack, N_ever Going Back Again_. The first line is "she broke down and let me in." He used to sing that line on the boat, as a tease to me, about how I couldn't resist him. And then you have REM, the song _At My Most Beautiful_. He used to sing it to me, he said if we ever broke up that would be him.'

'So why is he sending them?'

'I don't know. I told him to stop, but everyday a new cd. It must be costing him a fortune,'

'Have you asked him?'

'No. Have you?'

'Yes, of course. He just shrugs and doesn't answer.'

'I'm going to run out of room.'

'Dougy got you that lovely cd stand!'

'He hasn't come round to construct it yet!'

'Haha. He's working today but will be over tomorrow,' Gretchen grinned and Joey smiled back.

'Joey,' Gretchen was hesitant,

'Yes?'

'He's gotten over it. Pacey I mean. Over flunking out, over his insecurities, he's his old self. Well, not quite,' she looked pointedly at Joey.

'Ask Jen,' Joey stated.

'Ask Jen what?'

'Before your mom told him, Pacey was in Boston. Ask Jen what his girlfriends name was because you can bet he had one.'

'That doesn't alter the fact that he's himself again. You can rely on him. You can't hold his funk against him anymore than he should hold your depression against you. Just something to think about.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded turning Gretchen's words over. Joey was good at thinking these days.

* * *

'Apparently you're in need of me and a screwdriver,' Doug grinned at her.

'Doug, merry Christmas,' she flung her arms around him and hugged him tight. 'I've missed you.'

'Hey,' Pacey didn't look very impressed as he looked at his brother and Joey stood hugging.

'Oh, Pacey came to help,' Doug said and put her down.

'Hi,' she looked at him quickly.

'How's today?' Doug asked as they moved into the apartment,

'I don't know,' Joey answered honestly. 'It's just today.'

'You - constructor of chest of drawers - could not construct a cd stand?'

'I just wanted to see you really,' she said honestly.

'Why don't you let me put a phone in and then I'd know that,' Doug smiled. 'I mean there is the bigger issue of what happens when you go into labour.'

'Well I go to the hospital. The bus leaves out front.'

'Joey, you'd be in labour.'

'And it's not like the movies. It's slow.'

'Doug's right, you should have a phone,' Pacey spoke up, as if he'd shook himself out of the reverie cast by his brothers and ex-girlfriends relationship. 'Now who wants tea? Do you actually drink your tea hot or are there several mugs of cold tea because that's how you take it?' Pacey looked at her with raised brows, a little smile on his face.

'No tea, not for me,' she shook her head not quite able to meet his eyes after Christmas. His touch had never caused her to flinch. At the end his touch had been as important as in the beginning. His touch to her stomach had filled her with longing. A longing to be held, to be loved. The longing was coupled with a revulsion, a revulsion at herself, and that being close to her could cause someone such negativity. The word flinch kept going through her head and all it's synonyms: recoil, cringe, cower, avoid, evade, withdrawer, shun, to elude. It was true, he had eluded her. Fresh tears sprung to her eyes as she thought about sex that last time, it felt wrong to call it making love at least past prom. He'd been mad, grumpy, she couldn't remember why now and she couldn't fix it. She couldn't fix any of it and so she'd tried to sooth his hurt away. He's just sort of stood there as she kissed him, touched him, led him to the bed. Oh what a fool she'd been to think sex could bring closeness when his heart eluded her. She remembered his jolt when she'd begun to kiss him. She thought it was surprise but no, he was recoiling from her. She knew sex required two people and she knew he partook that day, as she'd touched him, and touched him and tried to send her love into his body, not realizing there was no love left in his body for her.

'Hey Jo, it's ok,' Doug was there, smoothing her hair, and holding her against his chest.

'I just need a few minutes,' she attempted and went to her room. She sat next to the crib and took Kerry's baby blanket through the bars and held it across her knees. She tried to let the calm and quiet wash over her but it was hard, so she focused on her breathing, in and out. The tears became lighter and so she focused some more. No thoughts just breathing. She opened her eyes and the room came into focus. Someone must have come in she realized, really quietly. She knew who. There was a plate with a tangerine on it, all the white pulp removed. Around it were other segments, arranged like rays of the sun. She picked up a segment and looked at it. She took the teensiest bite. The acid was sharp on her tongue, but also there was sweetness. She rolled the segment in her mouth, feeling the flesh of the fruit before swallowing. Standing up, she picked up the plate and went back out into the apartment. Doug and Pacey were standing the cd rack up.

'Where do you want it Jo?' Doug asked her and she frowned.

'Wherever you think best,' she shrugged.

'Now if you had a tv that would be easy,' Doug pointed out.

'No tv,' she shook her head.

'You mean you actually cope missing the Bruins play? And you such an avid hockey fan. I mean I'm shocked,' Pacey gave her a look and she actually laughed.

'Its the Red Caps that really upset me. I mean my days are empty without endless hours of baseball,' she laid on the sarcasm.

'Even you can't claim you have no pride in watching men hit balls with sticks and run.'

'If they ever ran more than a base at a time I might,' she gave him a little smile.

'All in good time Potter,' he defended his team.

'How about here?' Doug asked holding it next to the bookshelf. She nodded. 'Ok, I'm attaching it to the wall, so when the baby is bigger it won't pull it down on itself.'

'Oh, ok...yeah,' Joey was surprised at his thoughtfulness.

'Wow Dougy,' Pacey looked at his brother somewhat suspiciously. 'Can I ask if something is going on between you both?'

'You can ask,' Doug marked where he needed to drill the holes. 'Place warmer with the plastic?' he asked Joey.

'It's better,' she nodded. 'Thank you for doing that. I was just relieved you guys had all those hair driers!'

'Three sisters and mom,' Doug laughed.

'Is there something going on between you guys?' Pacey said it abruptly, the question loud.

'Yes,' Joey stated boldly and even Doug looked at her, 'we're friends.'

'You seem close,' he looked between them.

'We're close friends,' Joey clarified.

'If it made you happy...I wouldn't, you know...I obviously would hate it...loathe it...but...'

'Pacey,' Doug moved until he was stood in front of his brother. 'Joey and I do have a secret life together, but it's not what you think. It's not her secret.'

'Huh?' Pacey stared at his brother.

'A couple of months back Bessie called me and told me to go see Joey. Told me she hadn't gone to college because she had a message for you. I went to the diner and we spoke about depression. I could tell she was pregnant. She revealed she was pregnant and so I came out to her.'

'You came out to her,' Pacey echoed. 'You came out?' he practically shouted the words and then grinned, a huge smile and grabbed Doug into a huge hug. 'Oh man, I'm proud of you.'

'We try and go out each week to this gay bar we like,' Joey added. 'Thats our secret life.'

'I fully applaud your secret life,' Pacey pinched his brothers cheeks.

'Ok, enough now,' Doug pushed him off. 'You're still annoying.'

'And I see you're still uptight,' Pacey teased.

'Oh ha, ha.'

'So are you dating anyone?' Pacey asked and watched his brothers eyes flick to Joey.

'Sort of,' he said.

'You remember Ethan? Jack dated him junior year.'

'I remember Ethan.'

'We bumped into him in _The Closet_.'

'You go to a gay bar called _The Closet_?' Pacey looked inordinately pleased.

'Focus,' Doug whacked him around her head.

'At closing, everyone just comes out of the closet,' Joey couldn't resist and Pacey chuckled, his eyes shining.

'Even you?'

'There are some beautiful women,' she shrugged easily. 'I dance with them but no, I'm not into them.'

'You do?' He didn't seem to know what to make of that.

'Well only Doug or Ethan would dance with me, but they would rather dance together. The women are always very nice.'

'So Ethan! He was pretty hot if I remember!' Pacey arched his brows at his brother.

'He still is,' Doug admitted.

'And nice,' Joey added.

'Wow...this is the big thing on New Year's Day. The one I heard you and Gretchen discussing.'

'Yeah, my New Years resolution,' Doug nodded. 'Now I need to drill.'

'Drill away,' Pacey smirked.

'Don't make me wish I never told you,' Doug glared but smiled when he caught Joey's eye. Doug set up his drill and made holes in the wall, before fixing the cd stand to the wall and putting in the shelves for her. 'So, all done and ready to go,' he smiled as he tidied away his tools. 'You want to put them in yourself.'

'I will, just not yet,' she said. 'How long can I expect the CDs to go on for?' She looked at Pacey, but he just shrugged. 'Can I ask you why you send them?'

'To let you know that even though we're not together, I am still thinking about you,' he explained. 'Each cd has a song on it that brings you to mind.'

'I don't want you here, that won't change,' she attempted but it sounded hurtful and she was aiming not to be hurtful. 'What I mean is I don't want you to waste time and money on me. You should think of other things, of other people. What about your girlfriend?' she asked and he frowned. 'Audrey. Jen said she was called Audrey.'

'I broke up with Audrey.'

'Why? Why break up with her? I mean you got together with her in the first place.'

'Things between you and I aren't resolved.'

'They are,' she stated softly.

'I don't want them to be resolved.'

'I'm tired,' she said and pressed her face to her knees. She felt rather than saw Pacey crouch down beside her.

'Joey,' he said her name softly but she didn't look up, 'I'm sorry everyday that I hurt you like I did. I'm not going to unravel into self-depreciation again. I'm owning up and taking responsibility. I hurt you and I'm sorry. We reached a bad place, but I never stopped loving you. I'll probably always love you.'

'Come on Pace, time to go,' Doug said at length.

* * *

Joey forced herself to the Witter residence after cleaning the diner. She'd convinced Hank to let her open on New Year's Day, yet again for the homeless and needy. It was love for Doug that moved each foot forward. She had no desire to see Pacey, none at all. In fact she hoped he was somewhere else entirely. She looked up at the house to see Doug and his dad on the front porch swing.

'I suppose you've come to make sure I'm not upsetting my newly out son?' John wrapped an arm around her.

'I came to see how it went, to see that Doug was ok,' Joey said carefully.

'His mom and I couldn't be more proud. A little surprised but relieved he trusts us enough to be honest.'

'Good,' Joey felt tears at Johns words and hugged the man.

'It's alright,' he said softly and released her to Doug who gave her a hug.

'I'm so glad it all went well,' Joey said holding his hand.

'The best bit was the kids, Kerry's kids. They were like, "so when you get married we get an extra uncle? That's awesome."'

'That is awesome,' Joey laughed.

* * *

'Happy new year,' Jen and Jack kicked off their shoes and made themselves at home. They'd taken to calling through every now and then whilst home from college.

'Happy new year,' Joey said back.

'You sit there all night?' Jack appraised her as she sat on the floor.

'Ha ha, actually no. I went out last night.'

'You did?' Jack and Jen frowned.

'Yeah, with Doug and Gretchen.'

'Is something going on between you and Doug?' Jen looked at her with interested eyes.

'Did Charlie come up?'

'If Charlie was here, I'd be in bed with him,' Jen said bluntly. 'I don't think that is going anywhere. Now you and Doug?' Jen asked and Joey couldn't help the smile that spread across her face,

'We go to a gay bar together because Doug is gay,' she said. Doug had told her she could tell them once his family knew.

'No way,' Jack's jaw fell open.

'Pacey was right? Man, he's going to be unbearable,' Jen smiled.

'So is he single?' Jack asked with more than a little interest.

'This could be awkward,' Joey bit her lip, 'remember we met Ethan a while ago? It was at the bar the first time we went. They've been dating a little.'

'Ethan? My anti-prom date Ethan?'

'Yeah that Ethan. He's a really nice guy.'

'I know,' Jack stated. 'Probably perfect as a first boyfriend for Doug.'

'Yeah, they're pretty good together,' Joey agreed.

'What's Ethan do now?'

'He works at the Boston Globe,' Joey said and then took a deep breath, 'I don't want lots of people to know but I have a job with the Globe as well. Ethan helped me get it.'

'That's fantastic Joey,' Jen pulled her into a hug.

'It must feel reassuring to have a reliable income for when you have the baby. But how will that work?' Jack gave her a hug when Jen was done.

'I write a weekly column for them. From here. It's actually already written. I already have six months worth if entry's. The first one comes out Saturday.'

'I'm seriously impressed,' Jen stated.

'Don't be. It's not impressive. Doug and Ethan motivated me and like I said, the column was mostly written. I just refine and edit it.'

'Does that pay well? I always thought I might go into journalism?' Jen asked.

'It's a salary of $25 grand a year. It beats the diner hands down. But no, it's not a lot. I guess it may improve if they get positive feedback. I only hope it continues. Between that, the diner and then the fifteen percent of profits Bessie gives me from the B&B I may be a little better than destitute and when the baby comes, hopefully I can do without the diner.'

'And journalist is a totally awesome profession. Kind of perfect for you. You could even say you're a writer.'

'Oh I'm a long way from being one of those,' Joey rolled her eyes.

'You're a damn site closer than your friends engaging in further education.'

'I'd rather be you,' Joey shrugged. 'Do you want to know what I'm really gutted about?'

'Sure.'

'I'm disappointed about the classes and the learning. I guess I'm saddest that I'll never be carefree. The last time I was properly drunk was at a beach party sophomore year - before you and Andie even got here Jack.'

'There was a time before Andie and I? And you dare speak of it?' Jack teased.

'Dawson was going alone. Jen was embroiled with Billy.'

'Oh I remember this party. I don't remember you being there.'

'Pacey convinced Bessie to let me go with him. The minute we got there he abandoned me for some blond. So I began to drink. Some blond guy kept plying me with more.'

'Some Dawson look alike, I presume?' Jen chuckled.

'Actually not at all. Dawson was there, he and I were going to leave but he must have found you and so I drank. The guy was repulsive but soon I was drunk enough to head to the beach with him. Pacey punched the guy.'

'Wow, happy memories,' Jack was being sarcastic and Joey chuckled.

'That was the last time I let loose.'

'I recall you jumping impulsively on a boat for a summer,' Jen reminded her.

'When I've had the baby, when it's old enough that I can leave it with Bessie or even Mary, would you guys take me out and get me drunk? Like proper college drunk. I mean I'll need you to look after me, because I'll have the kid at home, but just one night acting like I don't have a responsibility in the world?'

'I can't think of anything I'd enjoy more,' Jack grinned.

'Oh I agree,' Jen nodded.

* * *

**Bang. Bang.**

The door. Joey put down her hair brush and tugged a skirt over her leggings, and a baggy old cardigan of Bessie's over a black tank top, one of the only things she still fit.

**Bang. Bang.**

Work had been long and busy and she was exhausted, but her brain wouldn't shut off. Hank had let her off early, so it was still light. Maybe it was the thrill of seeing her article in the paper - Ethan had sent a copy. Maybe it was the fear of that same event. She didn't read it again but stared at the small, slightly grainy photo of her next to her name. She'd debated the name to use but at length went with her full name - Josephine Potter.

Bang. Bang.

Opening the door she smiled to see Dawson and Jen.

'Hi,' she smiled.

'This,' Dawson held up a copy of the Globe, 'well...I'm extremely proud of you,' he pulled her close for a hug. 'It was hard to read...but extremely well written.'

'Thank you,' she ducked her head a little feeling embarrassed. Depression was a funny thing. Sometimes she wanted to curl around it, protect it and other times she wanted to throw it in the face of the world. Today, with it available for all to read, she kind of wished she could protect it.

'Me too,' Jen said and hugged her friend.

'We came to say goodbye,' Dawson kicked off his shoes and Jen did likewise. 'My flight leaves in the morning.'

'And Jack and I are taking the lunchtime train.'

'Where is Jack?'

'He'll be over soon.'

'Good. I'd like to say goodbye.'

'So Joey...' Dawson began and then hesitated.

'Spit it out Dawson,' Jen rolled her eyes.

'What is it?'

'Pacey asked if I would do something for him.'

'And what's that?' she curled herself up in her rocking chair, the blanket Carry had made over her knees. She couldn't bring her knees up to her chest anymore.

'He asked me to take a picture of you pregnant,' Dawson said and Joey began to shake her head, 'Joey, before you say no, which is what I said to begin with, listen to his reasoning.'

'What are his reasons?' Joey asked grudgingly.

'Firstly, you should record something like this with at least one photo. Secondly, junior might one day want to see a photo of you pregnant. Thirdly, one day you may wish to see a photo of you pregnant. Fourthly,' Dawson coughed, 'you look beautiful pregnant and it would be a crime not to capture that.' Dawson trailed off. Joey looked out of the window. She could almost hear Pacey saying it. The Pacey pre Joey anyway. The one that fell in love with her.

'Ok,' she said simply, 'but as I am. I don't want to change my clothes or...or put on makeup.'

'I will give him a copy,' Dawson said hesitantly.

'Why would he want a copy?' she stared.

'Because it's his baby too.'

'Ok,' she shrugged a little and looked out the window. It was snowing again. They said each snowflake was unique. Kind of like people. She wondered what character her baby would have. Would it hurt those around it as she had? Would it be easy going and carefree like Pacey had been? Would the baby flinch when she touched it? Could a child made without love know how to love? Would it look at her with Pacey's eyes and would she see all her failures reflected back at her. She blinked at the tears and they rolled down her cheeks. Would her child look at the picture Dawson was planning to take and wish she was someone else? That it's mother was anyone but her? Would it beg to go live with its father? Had all the tears she'd cried somehow formed part of the baby's soul? She heard a click and her head swung round to look in horror at Dawson pointing his camera at her.

'No,' she said. 'I can't.'

'Joey,' he protested.

'This...this fuck up of my life, this sadness, this sorrow. It doesn't need to be documented.'

'I promised him,' Dawson beseeched.

'Here,' she lifted her top and tugged down her leggings showing her small, smooth bump and her prominent ribs. 'Take this,' Dawson quickly snapped away and then she pulled down her top. 'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be sorry Jo,' Jen rubbed her arm.

'I just think of it all, all the sadness and the pain inside of me, and I think of it trickling into the baby, filtering in and making it sad.'

'That can't happen,' Dawson stated. 'It really can't. That baby will love you and need you. You can't make it sad just by being sad yourself.'

'I appreciate the thought Dawson, you know the photo. It's a lovely idea.'

'Hey I got you something,' Jen decided to change the subject which. Joey appreciated.

'You did?'

'Yep,' Jen grinned and presented Joey with a fingerprint animal mug. The theme was the same as her plate, and Pacey's bowl, but just like the bowl and the plate, the result couldn't have been more different.

'I love it,' Joey took the mug and examined it. 'It's beautiful.'

'It was fun to do, believe me.'

'I'm going to go back there again,' Joey agreed. 'I found it therapeutic and I'm not knocking that.

'How are you doing at keeping your New Years resolution?'

'Hmmm. Well yesterday was easy, I did something at work.'

'The diner was shut!' Dawson frowned.

'She opened it for the homeless and needy,' Jen told him. 'Pacey told me.'

'Oh. Well today. Well letting you take the picture. I don't want it but Pacey does. Kind and selfless. What about you?'

'I ate chocolate, drank coffee and took the lords name in vain in front of Grams yet again. Not so good,' Jen smiled.

* * *

I'm sorry,  
I miss you,  
It was all me,  
Alone in my head,

I had hurt in my heart,  
I blamed you,  
Which wasn't true.  
I was in trouble,  
I was sad,  
I hurt really bad,  
And so I blamed you,  
With things that I said,  
Designed to hurt,  
To make you feel,  
As sad as me,

I blamed you,  
But it was all me,  
Bad feelings grew,  
Love faded,  
But love didn't die.  
Love grows a new

I miss your eyes  
Now your smile is gone  
For your heart I long  
The feel of your skin  
My hand on yours  
I still need you...

Feeling at fault  
Laying the blame  
Life's not a game  
I want to be there  
Holding you tight  
Drying your tears  
Making it right  
You make my heart light

Joey stared at the words, each written in his familiar script. The Smiths were playing for the tenth time but she really liked the album. She took deep calming breaths. It was easier that way. She hadn't seen him, not for a few days and that was good. He was wrong to tell her he would always love her. Really wrong. It wasn't fair either. Not to the efforts she was making. The word love was used too freely. He'd probably loved Audrey. He loved his boat. He loved his family. He loved his new sneakers. He didn't love her. He couldn't even know her anymore. She didn't even know herself. She was adrift in the world with a stranger as her companion.

**Bang. Bang. Bang.**

Maybe she would get a phone. It would be easier to just unplug it than deal with the constant people. Sighing she knew that wasn't quite true. She spent the majority of her time alone. Getting up she opened the door.

'So I know you're probably still mad at me. I'm pretty mad at myself for making you sad, but it's been a few days...and well I can't leave it forever,' he gave her a grin and held out a cd. The Clash.

'Thank you.'

'May I please come in?' he asked it softly and she stepped aside. He took off his shoes and moved into the living room. 'Your tree's still up.'

'I lack motivation at times,' she said simply.

'Would you like me to help take it down?' he looked at her.

'Sure, there's a box under the couch for the ornaments. They all belong to Doug. The lights too.'

'Ok,' he nodded and as he retrieved the box she put the new cd in the player and the old one away. Pacey watched as she put the new case in position but didn't pull out the post it. When she was done she sat in her rocking chair and watched in silence as he took each decoration off the tree, wrapped it in a Doug approved manner, and put it in the box. Carefully he unwound the lights from the tree and then looped them before returning them to their box.

'I'll take the tree to be recycled,' he said and she nodded. 'I'm sorry I haven't been to see you for a few days.'

'It was probably for the best.'

'I like to see you everyday,' he continued, 'but I've been working lots and I'm sorry.'

'It's ok. I've seen someone everyday this week. Your family make sure of that.'

'I'd like to tell you what I'm doing,' he looked at her and she could see the enthusiasm in his eyes.

'But I might say the wrong thing,' she stuttered. 'I might get it wrong,' she shook her head. 'Maybe tell someone else instead.'

'But I want to tell you,' he repeated. 'You can't say the wrong thing. You don't have to say anything. Let me just tell you.'

'Can I say no? I don't want saying no to be the wrong thing either, but I just...'

'It's fine, it's ok. You don't need to say more than that,' Pacey gave her a smile, 'honestly.'

'Thank you.'

'One day though.'

'I hope...I hope that your decision to come back to Capeside. I hope you still feel ok with that. I asked you not to come back, but I know I'm part of the reason why you did and I just hope that that decision...that it was ok.'

'So far, it's ok,' he nodded.

'Good.'

'I don't know if being a townie is quite what you always thought it was,' he began and her eyes snapped to his.

'What do you mean?'

'I don't think staying in the same town your whole life is synonymous with failure. I think to much weight is given to leaving as a marker of success. I mean why can't a person stay in a beautiful town their whole life and be considered a success?' he looked at her as she thought the question over. 'I mean what is a success anyway?'

'I used to think being successful was escaping and having a job with cachet,' Joey rolled her eyes at herself and Pacey gave her a warm smile.

'And now?'

'Well now it's much simpler than that. It's being happy. I actually agree with you now. I mean I would like to see the world a bit, maybe try living some place else, but honestly, if I could just be happy again, I wouldn't care if I was here forever.'

'Joey Potter a townie,' he teased softly.

'A miserable one at this point,' she clarified.

'I don't think you'll be miserable forever. I think it'll take a lot of time and work, but I think one day you'll be happy again. And I think you'll se the world. I even think you'll have a job with cachet!'

'I don't see how. I mean once you have a child it's all about them. My life won't be about me again.'

'Would you like the baby to see the world? Would you like to take it places? Will you work hard to succeed for it? Will I?'

'Well yes, obviously,' she nodded.

'Well then, what you want for junior and what you want for you - they're compatible. It may take us a little longer, but there is no reason why you can't do all you want.'

'I've missed talking to you in this way. I think in senior year we became increasingly fearful of what the other did and didn't say, and so we stopped saying much at all. I was confused too. I mean all your insecurities with Dawson, I helped none of them because there was this childish part of me, this part of me that just didn't want to grow up, that couldn't bare to let him go.'

'Because you loved him?' Pacey nodded, unable to keep the hurt from his eyes.

'Actually I think I loved his innocence. It was a bubble that seemed to protect me from the realities of growing up.'

'Dawson was a scab I picked. I never let it heal. I kept bowing down to the sanctity of the Dawson and Joey thing. I mean I'd never have made you choose, but I could have treated it all a little more normally.'

'You didn't need to make me choose,' she whispered and the need for him to leave came over her all of a sudden. 'I chose you,' she whispered. 'But I didn't do it whole heartedly. I mean I loved you with my whole heart, but I never put my whole heart into our relationship.'

'Jo,' her name was like a term of endearment on his lips.

'It's been good to talk Pace, but I need you to go now.'

'Ok,' he nodded and as he passed her he caught a strand of her hair and held it for a second.

**Thanks for the support you give me with reviews. I wrote this in a few days, moments caught here and there. I will continue to post what I have written and try to find an ending I like. Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

'Ok enough, what's with the CDs?' Gretchen rounded on Pacey as they sat in Joey's small living room. The cd cases now snaked all around the room and into the corridor leading to the bathroom and her bedroom. It had been a couple of weeks since new year. Weeks that had been quiet and uneventful. Joey had never been a fan of January, and depression made her favour it even less. It had been a tough two weeks. Bessie wasn't around much, struggling to understand her sisters mental isolation and deal with her own frustrations at the unexpected pregnancy. Something that had changed was Pacey. He made a point of seeing her everyday without fail whether it was for a few minutes or a couple of hours. She was beginning to realize that she was forming a mental reliance on him, on his presence, and it scared her. If she messed up he would run and she was certain she wouldn't cope. And yet she couldn't push him away, she recognized that, it was his baby and as always there was a part of her that needed him. She mentally fought with herself to stop that part getting any bigger, but he was the charming, glib, heart on his sleeve man she'd fallen in love with the first time and so it was hard not to find herself falling in love again. As time passed he became as good as Doug at understanding her frame of mind, at helping her when she couldn't help herself. Her insides felt severed in two - the part of her that couldn't live with him and the part that just couldn't live without him.

'The poor girl can hardly move in here for CDs. There must be like 40 CDs here?' Gretchen continued.

'45 actually,' Pacey stated.

'Actually the poor girl has a very nicely constructed, but empty, cd stand,' Doug pointed out and Pacey laughed. Joey sat on her rocker watching the three youngest Witter siblings interact. She wondered how her child might suffer as an only child. Especially when she thought of she and Bessie growing up and what they meant to each other. Then again Pacey would probably meet someone else and have a child with them, maybe a whole family. Oh but the thought of that made her heart ache.

'Dawson sent me my photo today,' Pacey stated conversationally. 'He put in an extra copy for you. If you'd like to see it? Thank you for allowing him to take it. It's a beautiful photo.'

'It really is,' Gretchen concurred and Doug nodded.

'Say three of the most beautiful people,' she shook her head with a wry smile, 'I mean look at you all! I aught to take a picture of the three of you.' It was true that the Witter's had lucked out with their looks. The sight of the three of them all together made her feel nostalgic though she had no idea what exactly it made her nostalgic for - perhaps just a time when sibling interactions were as tough as it got.

'That reminds me,' Gretchen shoved her cushion onto Doug and jumped up off the couch.

'What, that you really must go do your makeup?' Pacey teased.

'Ha ha,' Gretchen rolled her eyes. 'Anna sent you this,' she handed Joey a small Sony digital camera.

'Wow,' Joey didn't know what to say.

'So you can take pictures of little fingerprint baby.' Gretchen had taken to calling the baby that, after looking at Joey's plate, Pacey's bowl and Jen's mug.

'You should look at Dawson's photo,' Doug told her and at length she nodded. Pacey pulled a cardboard protected envelope from his backpack and handed it to her.

'He said he was sorry but only one turned out.'

'He only took one,' Joey frowned.

'I'm the messenger,' he said but she felt his eyes boring into her as she pulled out the photo. It was a good photo. The light, the angle, the position of subjects. But it was the wrong photo. It wasn't the photo of her bump, but the one of her sat in the chair, her hands wringing Kerry's beautiful blanket. She was looking out of the window and there was a trail on her cheeks carved there by tears. It was beautiful and awful all at the same time. She stared at it, unsure what to say. She hadn't really looked at herself, not for a long time. It was hard to believe that this was what people might see when they looked at her. She looked younger than she did in her head, and her hair was far too long. She was too thin, she looked a little emaciated which certainly wasn't a good look for her. Her bump was small, smaller than she realized because to her if felt huge. Her eyes dominated her face, clouded, closed off, haunted and of course filled with tears. Maybe that's why she hadn't seen herself for so long - she always looked with blurry eyes. Her clothes looked old, in fact everything looked old except for her. She looked every bit an eighteen year old. A child, with child. It was awful.

'Oh, I hate it,' she whispered and the picture dropped from her hands and to the floor. 'I must go. Just let yourselves out,' she moved to the door and pulled on her boots and coat and left trudging out into the bitter winter cold, a cold she didn't even feel. What an awful image. It was only beautiful in how tragic it also was. It ached her inside to know that she put everyone through seeing her that way, through her pain and her craziness. Maybe she shouldn't keep the baby. Maybe she wouldn't be able to be a mother at least not one to raise a balanced happy child. Surely Bessie must have considered it, with her at least. Giving her up to the system. Would her child fair any better in the system though? Who might have it and how might they treat it. But surely a couple, desperate for a baby, well surely they could offer it more emotionally, financially, just in every way, than her?

Growing up Joey had considered herself a fairly even person, prone to angry out bursts maybe, on occasion a little withdrawn, but someone in control of herself. She wasn't sure what to think of herself anymore. There was no one to talk to about it, no one. Kerry had kept her children, wanted them. Obviously so had Bessie, and Mary, Mrs Leery. Something niggled her mind and she thought about Gretchen. Spying a phone box she stopped inside and dialled Gretchen's cell from memory.

'Hello?'

'Gretchen,' Joey stated, 'I'm sorry I left. Are you still there?'

'We're just leaving. We tidied up a bit.'

'Can you stay?'

'Of course, but why, are you ok?'

'I think I may not keep the baby and you're the only person I know to have made the same decision.'

'I'll wait,' Gretchen agreed.

* * *

Joey let herself into the apartment to find Gretchen sat on the couch in deep contemplation.

'I'm sorry if I upset you, with what I said.'

'No...no it's ok. You're right. The women around us who've had children - they're easy to see. The ones who have, for whatever reason, chosen to not have their children, they're harder to find.'

'Are you ok talking about it?'

'That's a tough one Joey. I don't know if I'll ever be ok talking about it. I still don't know whether it was or wasn't the right decision, but it was the right decision for me at the time. Women live in a tough world. We carry the children and predominantly we care for them. Whether you give up a baby before it really is a baby, or when you give birth to it, you're saying goodbye to that baby, to that dream and you never get it back.'

'When did you make the decision?'

'I think I made the decision as that second line appeared on the test. I was at college, the guy was an idiot, an absolute jerk of a guy that I'd been so in love with and who couldn't care less about me, and I knew, immediately that I just couldn't do it. I went to Planned parenthood and the rest should be history.'

'Should be?'

'Keep a baby, give up a baby, get rid of a baby. The decision haunts you for life. I would have a baby now - nearly a year old. Would it have been a boy or a girl? Would it have my hair? What would it have been like? You don't get answers to those questions.'

'Knowing what you know, would you still have made that choice?'

'Wow, tough one. You trying to make me cry?'

'No, no...I'm sorry.'

'Don't be sorry Jo. Would I have made the same decision? Let me start by saying I believe you need to be able to choose. You have to have the right to make a choice because having a baby can be the wrong choice. Giving up a baby can be an even harder choice. The consequences of all can be brutal. For me, yes I made the right choice. It wasn't the easy choice, or the only one, but yeah, I still believe it was the right one. Now why this sudden feeling?'

'I was looking at that photo. That awful, horrid photo.'

'That photo is beautiful Joey. It's also haunting, yes, but also touching and beautiful. Pacey cried when he saw it.'

'How can that person bring up a baby?'

'Are you asking if I think you'll be a decent mother?'

'No. I'm asking if you don't think a small innocent baby would do better with two parents who are thrilled it's there, who will love it and each other. With at least a mother who doesn't cry every hour, or fade into thoughts too depressing to mention.'

'I don't think anyone would love that baby more than you and Pacey.'

'I know we will love it, but is it a fair decision? Is it the right decision?'

'Let me ask you this, what did you think when the second stripe appeared?'

Joey looked at Gretchen and thought back to that day, peeing on the stick in the B&B bathroom. She'd been pretty depressed back then. Not quite so bad with college looming, or maybe worse than she thought.

'I don't remember, everything was all so fuzzy. Let me get my journal,' she went to her bedroom and retrieved her book. 'Can I read it to you?'

'Sure,' Gretchen nodded. Joey shifted but she wasn't embarrassed. Embarrassment didn't really feature in her life anymore. She flicked through until she located the right entry.

'_I am apparently pregnant. I wonder whether this explains why I cannot raise my head off the pillow for more than a few minutes at a time. Is this why I can no longer find any reason to smile, to laugh. I masquerade through life and it is perhaps because I am wearing a mask. I look like one but I am two. I wonder if I somehow knew, that I somehow knew my dreams were not going to come true, that I don't deserve them to, or perhaps I just knew they were nothing more than fantasies and that reality is always the unexpected. Pacey was real, Dawson a fantasy. I don't know which route I should have followed anymore. The fantasy wasn't real but it wasn't cruel either. I'm meant to leave for college in three days. I haven't packed, so I must have known. I'm not sure I truly wanted to go any longer. Escape Capeside, that's been my mantra for so long but what does that really mean. Escape Capeside to what? No matter where I go, what I do, my life is still mine and I am still me, causing a trail of misery behind me. This baby is precious, an echo of something real. It wasn't made from love, but pain, and hurt. If love can turn to pain and hurt, maybe pain and hurt can turn to love?'_

'Wow,' Gretchen looked a little overwhelmed.

'I guess that was a pretty bad day for me. It's all diluted in other stuff but it sounds like I expected to keep the baby. To have it.'

'What did you mean about it not being made from love?' Gretchen was hugging a cushion tightly, and Joey felt bad.

'I know when this baby must have been made, and I knew...after, well...ok, let me try again. You remember what I said about Pacey when we broke up. What he felt about touching me, how I made him feel like nothing?' Gretchen nodded. 'I...I got him to have sex with me. I could feel him slipping away, I knew he was sad and nothing I said was right and even though he flinched I kept trying to pour love into him. He must have hated me for it. Especially now.'

'Do you really think Pacey hated you? That he hates you now?'

'Now I think he's confused and I think that confusion is all to do with the baby. Then, yeah...I think I repulsed him.'

'He couldn't have had sex if you repulsed him,' Gretchen pointed out.

'Not physically. Physically would be easier. But me, the person, I repulsed him.'

'Is that what caused this depression?' Gretchen asked.

'Who can know what causes a depression? What sends us sliding into a black hole and stops us climbing back out? What he said, it made me think about who I am. I lost the guy I love, not just as a partner, but I lost his respect, I actually managed to make him stop liking me. To begin with I thought a lot about who I am and I guess it began to spiral from there. I thought about how I had treated all sorts of people and what it was in me that made me treat them that way. I began to cry, all the time. My body felt heavy, like I'd eaten lead and even the simplest tasks were overwhelming. I would start something and just be unable to finish it.'

'Could you really give up your baby? Give it to someone else to love, to take care of? Not see the person it grew into?'

'Yes, I really could, if it were for the best.'

'I have to tell Pacey what we spoke about. You know that?'

'Yes. I appreciate you talking to me.'

'Its actually nice to talk about it. You see Joey, when you get rid of a child - nobody wants to talk about it. It's just you and your choice.'

* * *

**Bang. Bang. Bang.**

Joey opened the door. She'd been expecting him.

'Hi,' she stepped back and he kicked off his shoes, then he began to pace, up and down her small living area. She put the ball of conversation into his court. Several times he'd stop and look at her sat on the floor and then he'd begin to pace again. Finally he stopped and stood in front of her.

'I will support whatever decision you make,' he said it carefully, clearly as if scared if being misunderstood, 'but I really, really would like to know our child, I would really love for you to be it's mom and me it's dad.' That was all he said before taking a step back.

'I've made no decision. The thought had never occurred to me, not really, not until I saw that photo. You know how you can go through stretches of time and not really see yourself and then you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, or window and you're like, "wow, that's me. That's what people see when they look at me."'

'I know that,' he nodded.

'Looking at that picture was that for me. I look like I'm dead. I look like I wish I was dead.'

'Do you wish you were dead?' he asked and she gave the question due deliberation.

'No. Not with the baby inside of me.'

'If there was no baby?'

'No...I guess not. I wish I was happy. I do think of death as a way to be happy.'

'I hate to hear you say that,' he sighed.

'Sit,' she gestured to a space on the floor beside her. 'I don't want to give up the baby. I just want to do what's for the best. I've lived such a selfish life. I've been self orientated and self motivated. If I can be a good mother I will keep it. I remember what my mom meant to me. I don't want to deprive the baby of that. But only if I can be a good mom.'

'As I said. I will support what ever decision you make.'

'You just hope it's that I keep the baby? Imagine where you might be without that baby? In Boston, with your girlfriend, going out and getting drunk, dancing.'

'I'd rather be here with you,' he stated and she looked at him, his eyes shining with his sincerity.

'You actually mean that,' she realized.

'Of course I do,' he frowned at her. 'However I felt at the end of our relationship, it wasn't about a lack of love.'

'Let's not go there, please,' she whispered.

'Ok, so let's imagine life without the baby. Imagine going into hospital and having the baby. Would you look at it? Hold it?'

'I'm not sure.'

'Then we give it to the people we find, I guess through an agency, and they take it away. What then?' he wasn't being challenging, he was asking her to think about it, so she did. She thought about handing over that baby, never seeing it, holding it, knowing it.

'Pain. Grief,' she said.

'That would be unavoidable. But for you, what then?'

'I don't know. I don't know what I would do anymore. I wasn't ever expecting to feel this way. Maybe I would go to college. I suppose. To get a better job, but also just to learn more. I don't know Pacey. I don't know what. I've never travelled, I've never done anything. I suppose I would do things I've never done. Fall in love again. Get married. Have children,' she frowned unaware of the way his eyes darkened. 'It's circular in a way.'

'Ok, so let's picture life with the baby.'

'I base my thoughts on memories of Alex. Of being tired, of crying, of Bessie crying. Of an endless cycle of repetition. But Alex got bigger and he smiled, and then he laughed. And he loved Bessie and Bessie loved him. But she hasn't been anywhere, or done anything.'

'But she is happy?'

'Yeah I think so. Not with me, but in general.'

'What are you most scared of?'

'Of making the child sad. Of infecting it with my negativity, with the weight of my despair.'

'I've known you for a long time Joey and this period, it's relatively short in all that time. All of us, all my family, we think you're doing better. This place is nice. You sleep on a bed. You actually laugh sometimes. You see people, and you do things even if it is just going to gay bars with Doug. I know it doesn't mean you're happy, but I guess we hope it means you despair less.'

'Sometimes I do feel better. It's always hard but I get through the day a little easier. Something makes me laugh, but other days... I don't know.'

'You want to know what I think?'

'Yeah?' She looked at him,

'I think you'd be the best mom a finger print baby ever had. You're a kind person, you're realistic about the good and the bad which provides balance. You have a clear opinion about right and wrong, and you don't accept the status quo. I think you would be wonderful.'

'And what about the days when I'm to paralyzed by the sadness to move?'

'You call me. That's why kids have two parents, or are supposed to.'

'Thank you,' she gave him a look, a look that attempted to convey her appreciation and she hoped he understood. Where once she would have touched him, now she tried to convey feelings though looks.

'Keep talking to me Jo. The only person in the world that will love that baby as much as you is me.'

'I will,' she agreed and lay back on the floor. She must have fallen asleep because when she awoke it was morning and Pacey was gone, though he'd put a pillow under her head and a cover over her body.

* * *

**Bang. Bang. Bang.**

She watched Pacey open the doors father knocking and smile when he saw her sat in her rocker listening to The Cure.

'Robert Smith is a genius,' he grinned.

'There was a time in the not so distant past where I would have completely disagreed, but I have listened to this album four times, and he is indeed a legend.'

'_Disintegration_ isn't my personal favourite album, but I felt it was the one to introduce you to.'

'Well my ears and brain thank you,' she smiled.

'It was my instinct to stay away from any music that might be considered... emotional,' he began.

'You clearly deviated from that,' she watched as he picked up a tangerine and passed it to her with a plate. Her fingers felt the roundness of the fruit and her eyes absorbed the orange, a colour now synonymous with comfort for her. Slowly and methodically she began to peel it.

'Sometimes when I feel sad I need to listen to sad music. Somehow seeing beauty in the music, and listening to others sing about feeling that's what I'm feeling...well it makes me feel less lonely.'

'Misery loves company,' she mused wryly.

'Well I don't know about that. You seem to go out of your way to make those around you happy, happier than you, well until you can't.'

'The music does help,' she admitted ignoring his previous statement.

'I'm glad. You have a favourite?'

'The first, Fleetwood Mac. I mean they all have their moments and their songs, but that's possibly my favourite.'

'Well it appealed to me first as well,' he smiled. 'So I had an email from Dawson today,' he went for a change in topic.

'And?'

'He's making this short film...guess what it's based on?' his eyes sparkled.

'No clue,' she shook her head ignoring the way her heart beat at how relaxed he looked, how happy to be there with her. She had to remind herself it wasn't real, but a consequence of the baby.

'He's making a short film about us making a short film, I mean the guy takes nostalgia to knew levels. He says it's art but I was sure to rip him a new one!'

'I bet you were,' she smiled and focused on her orange for a moment.

'He said he hadn't heard from you for a while?'

'I never really know what to say to those guys. I mean Jen and Jack are easy, they gossip so I have lots to write back. I think Dawson wants to examine the minutae of life with me, you know analyze, be fifteen again. I'm not up for that. I spend enough time in self reflection, analyzing moments I wish I'd understood better at the time.'

'I can understand that,' he nodded. 'I really can.' She looked up and her eyes met his. His eyes were beautiful. 'I thought I'd make us a curry. Not got any indigestion?'

'Despite the assurances of your book on pregnancy, I am not, nor have I suffered from indigestion.'

'So?'

'A curry sounds great. Thank you.'

'You sit there and enjoy the Cure and I'll get busy in the kitchen,' he never seemed to tire and she was always exhausted. Listening to the music and watching him move around her small kitchen she sighed inwardly. She slid off her chair and sat on the floor. She felt entirely breakable. She was a fragile object stuck between wanting and not wanting. She was stuck in general in the confines of her mind, but she feared that if she were pulled free she might break. She swiped at her tears and ignored the look Pacey shot her, the one that said how much he longed to hold her.

* * *

**Bang. Bang. Bang.**

**Bang. Bang. Bang.**

'Joey,' she heard him calling but she didn't answer. 'Jo?' he appeared behind her in the living room. 'Doug and I thought we'd take you out...' He trailed off as he looked around the room and found her sat on the floor in front of her CD collection. Instead of standing up the entire collection had been knocked over. 'Did something happen?'

'I...' she trailed off unsure what to say. Something had happened at work and upon arriving home she'd felt that her situation was futile. She'd stared at the cd's for a couple of hours until it felt like they were mocking her. What were they anyway? What was Pacey hoping they'd achieve? The notes inside the CDs said everything she wanted to hear but she didn't trust who she was enough to trust that what they said was the truth. The music was a lovely messenger but she knew the reality of where she and Pacey had ended. Could he ever want her the way he had? It didn't seem that he could and even if he did, would she trust herself with him? Or him with her? In a fit of anger, an emotion she hadn't experienced in many, many months she flipped the CDs all down, breaking a few of the cases in the process. Her anger burnt out as fast as it had risen and she was left exhausted.

'Are you ok?' Doug stared around the room.

'No. I don't know. I just couldn't look at them anymore. I'm alright,' Joey lied as she sniffed a little and watched as Pacey glared at his brother who had wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

'What happened?' Pacey repeated.

'How do you know something happened?' she asked.

'Joey,' he practically growled and she recognized his anger, his protective streak.

'I...I was on the late shift. I've always been happy to work it. This man he came in, an old guy. He's been in before I think but maybe I just wasn't as obviously pregnant. He started saying stuff to me, all sorts of horrid, derogatory stuff, about me, about the baby. About you even Pace. Hank kicked him out but there was an altercation with a couple of regulars.'

'What did he say?' Doug kissed her head and Joey happened to be looking at Pacey. She thought he might explode.

'Oh that I was a slut, a drain on the country's resources, that I'm a child and children raising children doesn't work. That he didn't work all his life to pay for my child. That I was going to subject my child to a life of poverty so it could go on to have children when it was still a child,' she stared at the ground.

'Joey,' Pacey put everything into her name.

'I have to give the baby away. It's all over Pacey. Go back to Boston, go back to your life.'

'I'm not going anywhere Joey.'

'What do you mean, give the baby away?' Doug had dropped his arms.

'That man was right. What can I give the baby? I'm a child who doesn't even have a mother or a father to copy. I have a sister who still can't really forgive me for getting pregnant in the first place. I mess up everything I touch. I had Dawson who loved me and I cheated on him, and then I threw his feelings in his face by falling in love with Pacey. I made a mistake, I thought that the love Pacey had for me was unconditional and maybe it was, but the way I made him feel, the way I destroyed him bit by bit? And look at this last eight months. Eight months of misery, and making everyone else's lives harder. I'm amazed it took me so many years to work out why everyone leaves me,' she pressed her face to her knees.

'Joey,' Doug sat beside her, his arm around her. 'Joey,' he repeated and she looked at him. 'You can't give up your baby. It's your baby. And you deserve to have the happiness it can bring.'

'No,' she shook her head.

'Yes,' Doug insisted. 'The first time I came here, there was nothing here. You slept on a cold bare floor and you saw no one except for at work. You want to get better Joey, that's always the first step. You went to the doctor, you take the pills. You open your front door when we all come knocking. You accept the help you need and ask for the help that isn't offered. You care. I know how hard it was for you to come to our house on New Year's Day to see me, to make sure that a big event in my life had gone well.

So you still cry, and you still stare and drift off into introspection. So the loneliness and the sadness still eat at your soul. I know how it feels when we feel like we're drowning and nothing can stop it, but you're still kicking to the surface.'

'I want my baby,' she whispered. 'I really, really want it.'

'Then keep it Joey,' It was Pacey's voice. 'You may feel alone but you're not.'

'Why is everyone so nice to me? I really don't deserve it.'

'As we all say, you're nicer than you seem to think you are,' Pacey said the words but it was Doug's arms wrapped around her.

* * *

Joey woke up with a pounding heart and pain in her stomach. A sharp unrelenting pain. She listened for any noise but the apartment was silent. Then she flushed in embarrassment at the thought that she'd wet the bed. The mattress and her pyjamas were soaking. Creeping off the mattress on all fours she switched on the light. There was so much blood she didn't know quite what to do. As her adrenalin kicked in, her heart began to pound harder. She obviously needed help but she didn't know where to go for it. She had no phone, and she didn't know her neighbours. She thought there was a young couple in the two bed on her right, but the left side may have even been empty. Standing up the blood began to pool between her legs, dripping down them and onto the floor so she dropped to all fours again and crawled to the door. She opened it and went to the right, hammering as hard as she could. Just when she thought no one was going to answer she heard a noise and so she hammered again.

'Help me,' she whispered and then the world went black.

* * *

**So I have one ending from this point on mostly written. I had another idea of where this should go. Would people be interested if I posted two potential endings? I could post one and then an alternate ending? I have guests so the next few parts may be slow. Please read and review and let me know what you think of the story so far and the endings idea. My head swirls between the two and I can't decided which would work best. To be clear - when I say ending I mean 5 or 6 chapters - the resolution! And I'm not killing off Joey.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you everyone who has reviewed this story - I really appreciate it and you are my motivation! Please keep reviewing. I still have lots written but I need to find an ending.**

**Chapter Seven **

Joey opened her eyes but the world seemed to be moving very fast and there were people everywhere. Maybe she'd finally lost the plot altogether and they were preparing her straight jacket. She was on a bed and they were forcing her onto her side. Some woman was holding her down, she must have gone mad. The pain in her back was momentary before her legs became fuzzy. They were putting needles in her arms, great big plastic things in her hands with bags attached, she saw blood and clear stuff. If only her head wasn't so fuzzy and she didn't need to be sick,

'Sick,' she attempted and someone shoved a kidney shaped brown bowl at her where she managed to throw up, only the world went black again.

* * *

'It's ok,' a woman was smoothing her hair, 'it's ok,' she kept saying it making Joey wonder if it was ok.

'The baby?' she remembered the blood now, so much of it.

'It will be out any second,' she said and nodded in front of them where a large blue sheet was hung. Joey focused and could feel movement in her stomach, like people were digging in there. 'Ok,' the lady said, and Joey watched as a small, purple baby was pulled from her stomach. She watched as they whisked the baby away the room painfully silent.

'Is it ok?' she croaked. She felt ever so weak, as if she were teetering on the brink of life and death.

'They're doing everything they can,' the woman said kindly and Joey knew when to be silent. If her baby was dying they needed to concentrate and if it was living, they still needed to concentrate. Tears filled her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks. Apparently, in this room, that was nothing unusual. The lady wiped up her tears and held her hand tighter.

'Where is it?' she whispered, to her co-conspirator, but the lady stood up and spoke to one of the doctors. She returned a moment later,

'You have a little boy. The doctors are with him.'

'Is he going to die?' Joey stared at the lady.

'You had a severe class 3 Placental abruption. The placenta came away from the lining of the uterus. You lost a lot of blood. I'll tell you when I know anything.'

'I feel like I'm dying,' she tried to say but blackness abruptly engulfed her.

* * *

The world kept swimming in and out if view for what felt like hours. She hurt all over, but then it would all fade. She couldn't get her head to focus on anything. The only real thought that stuck was for her baby. Until at length there were voices, real voices and she felt like she could almost hear them except that they were so soft.

'My baby?' she mentally tried to throw the words because they were sort of stuck in her blurry world.

'Joey,' Pacey's voice, clearer this time, his hand wrapped around hers, his fingers threaded through hers like they hadn't done in so long. She wanted to take back her hand but her limbs were too heavy, her whole body was too heavy. Kisses pressed to her head, his kisses. So wrong.

'My baby?' she repeated.

'He's ok Joey, he's fine. He's in special care, but he's ok.'

'I want my baby,' she squeezed at his hand, digging her nails into his skin.

'He can't leave,' Pacey brushed hair from her face,

'You should be with him, not me,' she said with difficulty. 'Please. He mustn't be alone.'

'He isn't. My mom and dad are with him, I would never leave him alone.'

'You, please...' she begged again, but the doors burst open and a nurse wheeled in a small bed.

'Your little guy is a fighter. He's scoring perfectly on his apgar and there is no reason to keep him away from him mommy any longer. I'm Doctor Gibbs. How are you doing Josephine?'

'I need some water,' she rasped and Doug immediately filled her a cup and put a straw to her lips. She was desperately thirsty but the first sip made her feel sort of sick so she stopped. Pacey apparently was unwilling to let go of her hand.

'Let me just check you over,' the doctor said, 'would you mind giving us a moment?' She asked Doug and Pacey.

'They can stay,' Joey tried to roll her eyes at the look on Pacey's face, but then her eyes were back in the small bed.

'Ok some room please,' the doctor requested and they both moved immediately to stand by the baby, Pacey's hand in the small bed on the baby Joey couldn't see. Joey felt marginally distracted by their smiles, particularly Pacey's. She couldn't reconcile that small bed with her now empty stomach. 'Do you remember what happened?'

'I um...I woke up in agony. I thought I'd wet the bed but there was just so much blood. I crawled to my neighbours.'

'You had a placental abruption. At first we thought it was a class 3 because of the amount of blood loss, but this little guy did so much better than we expected. We normally see fetal death with a class 3, so we classed it as a 2 with excessive maternal blood loss. Did you have a fall or knock yesterday? Sometimes this is triggered by something like that.'

'There was an altercation at the diner where I work. A man was being abusive to me and a fight broke out between him and a couple of regular guys. I was knocked over, but I was ok.'

'You never said you were hurt,' Doug interrupted.

'I would have stayed if I'd known,' Pacey had also looked up concern all over his face. She turned her face from them, unable to acknowledge that.

'We may never know if that caused it, sometimes it can be spontaneous. You lost a lot of blood Joey, but we were relieved that we managed to proceed without a hysterectomy. You may have issues with future pregnancies but you should be able to have them. It is protocol to share with you that you did crash at one point. We shocked your heart to bring you back. You still have a catheter in and there's a drain in your wound. We are going to keep you and the baby in until we are completely satisfied with your progress.' The doctor took her temperature, her blood pressure. 'Could I check your blood loss, please?'

'Ok,' Joey nodded and the doctor peeled back the covers and looked into Joey's disposable underwear.

'Looks ok, I'll get a nurse to change that for you in a bit.'

'Can I get up?'

'Not yet, no,' the doctor shook her head.

'Ok.'

'Now this little guy could probably use some food. They gave him a small syringe of formulae up in special care. Would you like a bottle?'

'No,' Joey shook her head. 'Just someone to pass him to me. I haven't seen him yet.'

'Ok, we'll try getting him to feed lying down. I don't want you to sit just yet.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded.

'I'll get the nurse,' she disappeared and a nurse entered moments later, Doug and Pacey stood watching the baby.

'He's awake,' she told them and plucked the baby from the bassinet with an ease Pacey clearly envied and then placed the small baby beside Joey. Joey turned her head to look at her baby. He was small, really tiny and a little wrinkled. He had a smattering of dark brown hair, a tiny nose and small puckered lips and he was looking right at her, with almond shaped blue eyes. He didn't particularly look like anyone yet - she couldn't see herself in him and could only see a little of Pacey in his eyes.

'Hello,' she whispered and felt tears slide down her cheeks, 'I'm so glad you're ok,' she ran a finger across the fine hair on his head.

'Would you like to try and feed him?' the nurse asked after a moment.

'Yes,' she watched the baby as the nurse helped lower her gown.

'Roll on your side if you can,' the nurse said and Pacey was there then helping her, as the nurse then positioned the baby.

'Just line up his nose with your nipple and when he opens his mouth pull him forward, like so,' the nurse demonstrated and then somehow his little mouth closed onto her and she felt a strange tugging sensation. 'Does it hurt?'

'No, it feels weird,' Joey smiled. 'But it doesn't hurt. How will I know if he's had enough?'

'When he comes off by himself, change his diaper, well get one of your friends to do it and then offer him the other side.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded, her eyes on the baby.

'Just press the buzzer if you need me. The doctor doesn't want you to try sitting or standing yet, so ask for help.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded. She could feel the tears, still tracking down her cheeks but they weren't tears of sadness. They weren't tears of joy either. She didn't feel unrivalled love for her baby, or even a particular bond, but then again she didn't believe she knew him yet. She figured the tears must be relief, or something like it. And maybe shock. He didn't really look like much of anything yet, just a small perfect being, with tiny, fine eyebrows and whispers of eyelashes. She felt someone press a tissue into her hand, but she couldn't have said if it was Doug or Pacey. She pressed it against her eyes with her free hand and took a few deep breaths. Putting the tissue down she put a finger to his hair and touched it. It was so soft, like a feather, or velvet. The tugging at her chest had turned to tiny flutters and then her nipple just popped out of his tiny mouth. She stared at him.

'He's not wearing his own clothes,' she murmured, 'where are your clothes, huh?' she moved her gown across her chest. 'Pace, you want to take him?' she turned to look for her him and found him right beside her, staring at her, staring at the baby.

'Yes... Yes,' he croaked and carefully, sliding a hand under his head lifted the tiny baby. 'Do I need to pat his back or something?'

'Yeah, Bessie used to do that with Alex. I mean Alex had bottles, but I guess?' Joey frowned. 'I don't know much about babies. Where are his clothes?'

'Um.. We came to see you this morning and it looked like someone had been massacred in your apartment. We may have freaked out a little,' Doug held his thumb and finger apart and then stepping closer to Joey ran a hand across her shoulder.

'Was it really bad?'

'Remember the movie Carrie? All that pigs blood? It was worse,' Doug teased, but there was an edge to the tease. 'Pacey nearly lost it Jo. I did too. We followed the trail of blood to your neighbours and they told us what happened.'

'I think my bed, my pillows, all those things you bought me - they're probably ruined.'

'My mom's meeting Kerry there to sort it, don't worry.'

'Thank you,' Joey watched Pacey with the baby. He'd very gently put the child on his shoulder and was rubbing his back, all the while rocking. Joey hated her insides for melting at the sight. Hated that she wanted it so bad and the ache that the want caused. 'Did you grab the baby stuff?'

'Pacey wanted to come straight here. You would have wanted to come straight here. We didn't think you'd have had the baby.'

'In all honesty Joey, we didn't think at all,' Pacey kissed the side of the baby's head. 'My dad should be back any minute with that bag you had packed, the one under the crib.'

'Ok,' she nodded.

* * *

'Can I stay here tonight?' Pacey asked. The doctor wasn't entirely happy with Joey's progress. She used a lot of words and a lot of detail to say she was bleeding too much and they wanted her to bleed less. Joey wasn't able to sit up without fainting which she was finding frustrating, especially when the baby cried and she wanted to hold him. She even missed the baby peeing on Pacey as he changed the diaper, which she was pretty pissed about, even though she did see his funky pee hair do. John and Mary had stopped through. Anna and Gretchen would be up on the weekend.

'You can stay here, sure, that would probably be a good idea. It's just a reclining chair?'

'Thats fine, whatever,' Pacey smiled and looked down at the baby.

'Why hasn't Bessie been in?' Joey asked with a frown trying not to feel hurt.

'Oh crappit,' Pacey had gone pale.

'You asked me and I forgot,' Doug looked at his brother. 'When we got here, Pacey asked me to call Bessie, but then...well they came and told us you'd crashed and had just been brought back, that the baby was in intensive care...I just...'

'It's ok Doug, just please call her now. I know she's angry at me, but I need her to know.'

'Ok, absolutely,' and Doug left the room. Joey looked at Pacey holding her child, their child. From the two of them came this small person who would grow and think, and have wants and needs. It was weird.

'I thought you were going to die,' Pacey sat beside her and lay the baby next to her, 'I've never been more scared of anything in my life Joey. I am really, really glad you're ok, and I'm really, really glad the baby is too.'

'The doctors thought he would be still born,' Joey admitted and tears flooded her eyes, 'I think I would have died too.'

'He's ok Jo, see,' he wormed his pinky finger through hers until they were linked together. For the first time it didn't feel like it might kill her that he was touching her.

'I see,' she took a deep breath, feeling an overwhelming desperation for Pacey, to have him hold her and chase all her fears away.

'He's beautiful,' Pacey said softly, 'he looks like you.'

'I think he kinda looks, I don't know, like a doll.'

'Maybe, but a pretty one,' He smiled a big smile at her, a smile she returned. They looked at the baby, watched as his little nose wrinkled and his mouth puckered and he let out a cry, not a loud one, but one that grew persistent.

'What do I do?' Joey asked feeling suddenly overwhelmed. Every time he made a noise it was for her to fix and she couldn't even move.

'Try feeding him, I guess?' Pacey smiled at her gently. 'Left side, huh?' he asked and she nodded.

'I can't, not without a nurse,' she felt like she might cry.

'Hey, we can try,' he reached out a hand, she saw it come towards her face, to provide comfort but she moved back a little. She guessed she flinched away and he read the movement well enough. 'I'll help you,' he reassured verbally instead.

He carefully laid the baby next to her much as the nurse had done, and she pulled off her gown and raised her arm to make room. The baby wasn't calm this time, but crying and weirdly he was turning in to her now Pacey had moved him closer. Joey put a hand under his head and body and lined him up as the nurse had shown her and then suddenly, somehow he was quietly feeding from her.

'That's quite the most special thing I've ever see,' Pacey whispered pulling a chair up to the bed.

'Because you get to see a girls naked chest,' Joey muttered.

'Well that's a perk,' he teased, 'but obviously I'm talking about nature. He's hungry, you're his mom and look.'

'I wish I could move,' she said. 'I feel trapped. I've spent months trapped in my head, but now I actually can't move.'

'This morning was horrible. Like a scene from a horror movie and to get here and be told that you were...well that they'd managed to revive you, not even knowing you needed to be revived. That you'd had the baby and he was in intensive care. I thought I was going to lose both of you.'

'You won't lose him. Me? I'm just lost in general,' Joey closed her eyes.

'I want to be with you, I want another chance,' the words were so earnest, his eyes so open and honest.

'No,' she looked away from them, 'Not because I'm trying to punish you. I just couldn't.'

'I hope you can forgive me one day,' he touched the baby's back, his eyes downcast and Joey looked at him.

'I forgave you a long time ago, not that anything really required forgiveness. The problem is, I find it impossible to forgive myself, and it's the thoughts of me, that swirl on an endless loop. I'm trying to change the things I don't like about myself, but I find them hard to forget, especially with a blanket of darkness to lie under. I have my motivation,' she looked at the baby, 'but I'm honestly scared, scared that I'll be this way forever.'

'I wish I could touch you right now,' he whispered, 'I wish you could see yourself as others see you.'

'Stuck up, you mean? Someone who takes ages to say thank you? Someone who is mean and bullies new comers? Someone that doesn't ask questions about her friends? Someone who never knows the right thing to say, so sort of says nothing? Someone who makes others feel worthless and stupid?'

'Joey,' he protested.

'Lets not talk of this, not today. My body just drained of blood and hormones and well the status quo is bunk. I'm going to cry,' she said as tears fell.

'I'm sorry.'

'Oh I blame Hollywood. They always have reunion scenes, or even just scenes of resolution when a baby's comes. The truth is I feel terrible, I feel sad, and I feel a little happy, relieved. I'm very confused.'

'We could talk about what to call this little guy?' Pacey suggested.

'Do you think maybe we could just sit here quietly?'

'Of course,' Pacey nodded.

* * *

The room was full of Witter's and it was a little overwhelming. Joey was able to sit but not get up. She was still being given blood, was on an IV and had the catheter and drain in. She'd brushed and plaited her hair but beyond that was still in her hospital gown. Mary and John were busy cooing over the baby. Pacey and his four siblings were around her bed. Amongst the infighting, and teasing there was a bit of a conversation. Joey gathered Kerry and Mary had cleaned the apartment. Anna and Gretchen had gone to ikea and got her a new mattress, and bits on their way to Capeside. Doug had taken wine and chocolates to the neighbours. Gretchen complained about her mom hogging the baby, but Kerry stole him and held him cradled in her arms by the window, John and Mary stood at the foot of the bed. Mary, a stream of helpful hints, particularly as to how to stop the baby peeing straight up every time she changed it's diaper. John just kept smiling at her, and she thought glaring at Pacey. It didn't take a genius to know that John was a traditional guy and what he thought was right involved Pacey, her and vows. Before long, Gretchen had taken the baby, then Anna, and then Doug.

'How much did he weigh?' Doug stared at her.

'Five pounds one ounce. Not bad for a month early,' Pacey said staring at Joey with pride. She knew she didn't deserve his admiration for that given how little she'd eaten the whole pregnancy.

'Just relieved you guys are both alive,' Doug gave her a warm look.

'What did Bessie say?'

'She wanted to come last night. She'll be here as soon as she has someone to watch Alex. She was pretty upset.'

'But she'll come?'

'She will,' Doug reassured her.

'I made him cry. I'm sorry,' Anna looked terrified.

'He's hungry,' Kerry chuckled.

'Does the nurse bring a bottle or what?' Anna gave the baby to Pacey.

'I can call,' Mary offered and Joey flushed.

'I feed him,' Joey said as Pacey positioned the baby in her arms.

'Should we leave?' John shifted.

'I don't mind if you stay. Pace can hold up a cloth and then once he's eating you don't see anything,' she shrugged and looked to Pacey, who passed the baby to Joey and then picked up the baby's blanket and held it in front of Joey.

'You know this, this feels a little...' he gave her a gregarious look to indicate it felt good, as she shucked off one arm of her gown behind his screen and she saw his eyes glance over her chest. She rolled her eyes,

'You're such a pervert,' she hissed.

'Teenage boy, lots of hormones.'

'Come on little guy,' Joey moved the baby the way the nurse had shown her until he was quietly feeding. 'Ok,' she looked at Pacey who dropped the curtain to reveal his family smiling at her.

'You know that piece of material wasn't sound proof,' Gretchen teased.

'What are you going to name him?' the question came from John who shot his son a dirty look.

'No idea,' Joey shrugged.

'You know that's a bit of a mouthful,' Anna quipped and she and Gretchen snickered.

'I never thought about names.'

'Well he can't be baby forever,' Kerry smiled softly.

'No,' Joey agreed, and watched as the Witter's argued and teased their name suggestions. They were loud, so loud that nobody noticed Bessie by the door until she cleared her throat.

'Bes,' Joey's eyes lit up.

'Witters out, Potter in,' Pacey said loudly, and then everyone was saying goodbye at once, telling her when they'd next see her, and offering last words of wisdom. Given that they all talked over one another, she had no real clue. 'I'll be back soon. I'll go shower,' Pacey said and Joey nodded.

'Wow, there's a lot of them,' Bessie said when the door finally shut and silence reigned.

'Kind of emphasizes how small our family is.'

'I'm sorry Joey, I haven't really shone these last few months. I haven't know what to say, what to do. I still don't, not really. You've been through so much, and you always, well you always seemed to cope. You may have been a little withdrawn, but I've never seen you like this, like you have been.'

'You went through everything too you know Bes. I don't think I ever acknowledged your grief, your sacrifices, how much everything hurt you.'

'I had you to take care of. When you have something that needs looking after you forget about yourself a bit.'

'What if I don't?'

'What do you mean?'

'What if I go backwards? I'm scared. I take my tablets, and I work, but it's like I literally climb endless stairs every day to stay on top of things, to try and feel better, or at least ok. What happens to this guy when I can't do that?'

'Motherhood's a funny thing. Jo, you've always been a doer, a hard worker. You're diligent. If you had a different personality type I might worry, but I bet you could be drowning under a rip tide of distress and still make sure that guy was ok.'

'I hope you're right.'

'Every day do three things,' Bessie began and then smiled as the baby released Joey's nipple. 'I didn't even see him there,' she whispered. 'May I?' she asked and Joey nodded. Bessie scooped up the baby and looked at him,

'Well he's a beautiful baby Joey.'

'Obviously,' Joey smirked and Bessie laughed before putting him over her shoulder and rubbing his back as Pacey had done. 'Three things?'

'Make sure you take your tablets, every day. I mean no exceptions, by the clock. Medications, multi vitamin, all of them.'

'Ok.'

'Get clean everyday. Take your shower, and cry, cry as much and for as long as you need to. The baby will be fine. If you're worried bring him in the bathroom with you. But give yourself that time every day. You can cry at other times, but allow yourself a time where you don't feel guilty.'

'Ok,'

'Every single day you must leave your apartment. I don't care for how long, where you go, but you must leave and go outside, and preferably speak to someone.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded.

'When you get a day where you can't do all three things, you call me. I will be there straight away, whether we have customers, or whatever crisis.'

'Ok.'

'Now what are you gonna name this beautiful boy?'

* * *

'I walked to the bathroom today. And I had a shower, I smell better,' she grinned at Doug and Pacey.

'How many days was it? Seven?' Doug teased.

'I still washed,' she stuck out her tongue at him.

'You feeling better?' Pacey asked and she didn't blame him. She'd scared herself the previous night with her inability to stop the tears, with her fears and the way she became silent, the ability to talk to much for her. She'd had the baby beside her though, and she'd managed to feed him, to change him, despite the tears. She could even provide comfort through her own discomfort.

'Yes I'm sorry. I think baby blues on top of depression, on top of being stuck in this bed was a little overwhelming.'

'No kidding,' Pacey scooped up the baby and gave her a warm smile. Their fingers brushed and she flushed but somehow her heart didn't fall like it had before the baby was born. He stared at her a little.

'So when can you come home?' Doug asked.

'I don't know. It feels like never.'

'If you walked to the bathroom, that's a good start,' Pacey encouraged.

'I just want to go home,' Joey said. 'But I don't know where I'm even thinking of. I'm too young,' she looked down but didn't cry. 'I'm too messed up.'

* * *

Two weeks to the day that the baby was born Pacey and Doug took her home. She carried the baby and they carried her things. Her apartment felt huge to her, large and empty with noone at the end of a buzzer. The blood was all gone, she was relieved about that, but she didn't see the new bed Pacey had spoken of in its nook in the corridor. She looked into the kitchen and living area, her eyes slowly absorbing one detail at a time. It was clean and there were fresh flowers - probably Mary had put them there. Somebody had placed all of her cd's back as she had originally had them, leaning against the skirting board, post it attached to the front. There were no new ones she noted. Her eyes took in her rocking chair, and she moved to it and picked up the patchwork blanket Kerry had made and placed it over the sleeping baby. She sat down in the rocker because in all honesty it was a little much. That's when she saw them, all along the breakfast bar counter. An assortment of crockery. She stood up and looked at them one by one. All different animals made from different peoples finger prints. It was quite the most bizarre thing, and yet it made her heart ache, a dull almost pleasant sensation. Four mugs, another bowl, and another plate. They differed in their skill, their precision, ability even, but the message was clear.

She looked at them for a long time, analyzing the fingerprints on all of them, looking at the animals there. She didn't know if she was crying it not but she didn't really care. Carefully she moved past them, examining them one by one, one hand at a time so the baby was still supported. She appreciated the silence. Whether they knew or it was coincidental, the Witter brothers seemed to know when she needed calm. Eventually she was done.

'You father,' she said and pointed to a mug, 'your mom,' the bowl, 'Gretchen,' another mug, 'Anna,' another mug, 'you Doug,' the plate 'and Kerry.'

Pacey moved across the room and lifted each one looking underneath.

'That's quite a skill missy,' he looked impressed.

'I love them,' she touched each one almost reverentially. 'Can you do me a favour?'

'Sure, anything?'

'I need to write a list of who has done what, who's given me what. Please either start it, or help me with it. A lot of the last two weeks is a blur.'

'Ok,' he nodded. 'You should take a look at your room. It's really your room now. They got rid of my bed for you.'

'Oh,' her face fell.

'I told them to put the mattress under your new bed.'

'I have a new bed?' she smiled shyly and moved through to her room. It was a double, simple and inexpensive, she knew, but beautiful all the same with its new mattress, duvet and sheets.

'Kerry said the crib should be pushed up close.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded and put the sleeping baby in the crib. 'It's very nice. Really nice. I must pay Anna and Gretchen.'

'They chose to do it, they wanted to do it.'

Joey didn't respond but looked down at the baby, extremely small in the vastness of a crib that could fit a three year old. She knelt down and put her arm through the bars until she could put her finger in his hand. He grasped it on reflex.

'Any name yet Jo?' Doug entered the room with her bags. 'I put the cards up and the bags with gifts beside your chair - that way you can look through them in your own time. I put that basket thing for him to sleep in, the one Kerry hunted out for you, that's by the chair as well so you can have him near.

'I really don't know what his name is,' Joey murmured. Pacey dropped to his knees beside her and looked at the baby as well.

'At least you guys are home,' he said and she wondered why he put no pressure on her to name the child.

'He's sleeping. Shall we go have some tea? I feel the need for tea.'

'Wow, hospital agreed with you if it's got you wanting things,' Doug grinned, 'and the kettle is on.'

'I'm not going to lie. I'll miss some bits of being in the hospital, but I'm mostly relieved to be here. I need to get in touch with the diner, with work, with...'

'Potter, you nearly died, technically you did, so cut yourself some slack,' Pacey followed her from the room.

'You know, I don't like to say this because it could be only fleetingly true, but I feel a little better.'

'You do?' Pacey caught her hand without thinking and turned her back to face him. She snatched her hand away, it was far to reminiscent of the time at Aunt Gwen's when she finally kissed him back. He jumped as well, and looked sheepish,

'Sorry.' She chose to ignore the incident.

'You know in the middle of the night, when you wake up and the world is dark, so dark you can't see a thing. It's all absolutely pitch black?'

'Sure,' Pacey nodded as Doug made the tea. 'There were times on the boat when I'd lie on the deck and there wouldn't be a star in the sky. No moon, just all around me liquid black.'

'That's kind of how I'd describe it. I haven't been able to see where I'm going, or where I've been. The darkness just made everything so hard to get through, so hard to do. All thoughts were amplified by the darkness, made worse, made louder. Sometimes I'd get lost in the darkness and time would pass and I wouldn't even notice it happening. I'd find myself doing things, things and I didn't even know why. And now, it's not quite so dark. It's not light either, not at all. But there's shadows and shapes and I feel just a small amount of something good inside of me.'

'Maybe getting rid of the pregnancy hormones helped?' Doug suggested.

'Maybe? What I really think is that I've had a lot of support. More than I ever expected and slowly things are being put in perspective. The love and support of your family has helped me reconcile what I don't like in myself and attempt to change it. I don't know whether I'll come out of this completely, but if I do I'm not sure I'll be quite the same person. I certainly won't speak to people the way I did. Nor will I take for granted the feelings of others, particularly in relation to me.'

'I'm really impressed,' Pacey said simply and when Joey frowned at him he clarified, 'to try and change what you don't like, especially with how you've been feeling. I aught to clarify that I always thought you were a good person. I never thought you needed to change. You've always had a good heart and a really, really strong moral code. But if there are things you need to change to feel at peace with yourself, you have nothing but admiration from me. I've tried to copy it a little.'

'You have?'

'Yeah. Seeing you these last few months, well I recognized a little bit of myself, you know in senior year. I wasn't where you are, not at all, but I wasn't happy with myself, with my life. It's funny. You think you're the bad person and yet I was the one that turned that sadness and disappointment with myself and my life onto you. I didn't take responsibility but blamed you. You do nothing but blame yourself.'

'Probably why I'm depressed,' she smiled and he smiled back.

'Bub's crying, shall I get him for you?' Doug asked putting a stool beside Joey and putting her tea on it.

'Please.'

'I know you're not, but I am happy Jo. I'm not going back to that place again. Things are going to go wrong. My life will suck at times, I'll have bad days, bad weeks, bad months. But I'm not going to put it on to others again. I'm going to own it, like you.'

'Just not too much. Not too much like me,' and she smiled again. The thought of Pacey in a mental place like her was repulsive, truly repellent.

'Ahh come on Jo! I'm too glib for a full on depression.'

'Thank god,' she said and he stopped laughing and looked at her, a real Pacey look, the sort of look he used to give her, back before they were lovers, back when they were friends and he was trying to work her out.

'Here's your mommy little guy,' Doug gently lowered the baby into Joey's arms and she pulled up her shirt and moved the baby into place, brushing his nose against her until his mouth opened.

'You know Kerry found feeding nearly impossible,' Doug mused, 'she cried and cried and cried about it until mom gave her bottles. With Jimmy she had a little more success but it was never easy and then with Clara, all of a sudden she could just do it. Just like you.'

'Just like you to overachieve,' Pacey teased and she stuck her tongue out at him.

'I have a name,' she said abruptly, 'It's really the only name I can come up with. It just sort of keeps floating into my head when I look at him,' she looked at Pacey and his face had lit up.

'Do tell,' Doug encouraged.

'It's nothing in the top one hundred, or even top two hundred,' she explained, 'it's actually really old fashioned and almost unused now so don't expect Tyson or Ben, or anything like that.'

'Say it,' Doug reached across and nudged her with his hand.

'I'm not saying we have to use it either,' she looked at Pacey again.

'Spit it out girl, please, for the love of god,' Pacey was grinning.

'It was my great grandfathers name, on my mothers side. He was kind of infamous in our family for being strong willed and forthright in his views. He had, what you Pacey would term as "a moral code."'

'The name woman,' Pacey asked again.

'Oren,' she said it, put it out there. The first truly decisive action she'd made since falling into her depression. She watched their faces. It was as if they hadn't heard the name before, she could see their lips sounding it out, testing it.

'Dougy, don't say a word unless it's positive because I love it and if you say anything negative it's going to follow your ass around forever,' Pacey turned to his brother and Joey laughed.

'You really like it?' she asked and he nodded.

'I actually love that it's an old traditional name that's pretty and unique. Kind of perfect for that little miracle guy.'

'Doug? You can ignore Pacey and be honest.'

'I like it too. I think it's perfect.'

'I'm happy with just Oren Potter, but if you want a middle name Pace, please go for it.'

'Well now, aren't middle names just a way to embarrass the kid at its wedding?' Pacey asked.

'You tell me John,' she grinned.

'Sure, Lilian...actually your name is rather awesome,' Pacey shrugged good naturedly.

'Well except for the Josephine part.'

'And yet you decided to publish your column as Josephine,' Doug smiled and Pacey looked between them,

'Publish? Publish what column?' he looked blindsided.

'Well shit I'm sorry,' Doug was immediately contrite.

'Don't panic Dougy, it's a column in a major newspaper. It's not a secret,' Joey rolled her eyes.

'Then how come no one told me?' Pacey looked from one to the other, clearly surprised.

'I didn't really tell anyone,' Joey shrugged.

'And we thought...well we thought the content would upset you,' Doug explained.

'So explain you guys,' Pacey looked at them expectantly.

'When Doug came to see me, when he found out I was pregnant and he came out to me, he asked me to go to a gay bar with him - you know all that. We met Ethan there and Ethan works for the globe. He suggested I submit something as they were looking for a new columnist. He said the editor wanted to do something on depression in the new year and so...well I did. There must have been four issues so far? It's in the Saturday issue.'

'Five. Ethan said the response has been mega so I bet there'll be something from your editor when you open your emails.'

'I'll look when I've sorted bub.'

'You can call him Oren now,' Doug pointed out.

'So do I get to read them?'

'Well sure. Ethan sends me a copy each week. The ones before I went into hospital are in the top drawer of the baby's chest in an envelope. The recent ones must be in the pile of post. They're not nice Pace. They're honest, brutally so. I didn't write it as a column. It's my journal really.'

'Ok. I'll read them, but forgive me if I don't comment on them.'

'Of course.' He went off to her room as she pulled her shirt down. 'Ok diaper,' and she placed him in his basket and looked around the room. 'I think I need to organize. Like have a place in here for all his change stuff. I guess I'll just use the stuff in my back pack from the hospital.'

'Those newspaper's are gonna half kill him you know,' Doug said as he put her bag beside her.

'Living it half kills me. And what would you have me do? I can't lie to him, not anymore. Lies were to blame for what happened between us. We actually communicate and I suppose we're becoming friends again. I have to protect that for Oren's sake.'

'I know, I know. We should have told him when they first came out, but it was like a family cover up, we all knew he'd hate to think of you hurting like that, especially when he was off in the Caribbean.'

'But he was in the Caribbean, that's how it happened and it's ok.'

'Joey, I know we all tell you this and you don't believe it but he still loves you. He still loved you then, so it's going to make him feel like a shit.'

'Dougy, I just had a baby and I'm only eighteen years old. Whether Pacey loves me or not no longer matters. I'm in no mental or physical shape to even deal with that.'

'I know - sorry. Look I better head off. I'm on duty in an hour but you're ok?'

'I'm ok. Thanks Doug.' He kissed her cheek.

* * *

'You've been in here a long time,' Joey went into her room. Pacey was sat on the bed. Carefully she put Oren into his crib. He'd been grumbling for the last half hour and was finally asleep.

'I'll be honest Jo, I never realized it was that bad. I mean I knew it was bad, but...' he trailed off.

'Outwardly, well, you can't always see what's going on inside someone. Outwardly I must have seemed like a bit of an empty vessel, but I guess it wasn't really obvious how bad things were. I worked, albeit nearly in silence. I was far too skinny - not such a problem now with your mom on the case, but I was never so skinny anyone said anything. And I showered.'

'"Because in the shower your tears have company,"' he looked at her.

'Yeah...I can't shower without crying. Inside, well yeah...you've read it, hopefully it helps explain the gradual slipping away of normality, how you can just slide and reach the bottom before you even realize you were at the top.'

'Please, please let me hold you, please,' he whispered.

'I can't,' she felt tears stream from her eyes, all of a sudden, a huge wave of emotion. Her arm felt like lead but she moved it a little closer to him until her little finger found his. She allowed them to link together and when his fingers grasped at hers, she allowed her hand to rest in his.

* * *

'Do you want me to move your laptop to the stool so you can check your emails whilst you feed him?'

'Maybe, it's not like I ever seem to stop feeding him,' Joey sighed. She was tired, really tired and suspicious that both she and Pacey were putting off the moment when he would leave for the night and she would have to spend her first night alone with the baby. Diligently Pacey moved her laptop.

'I'll make some pasta whilst you do that,' he said and began rummaging around in her kitchen. Her inbox had lots of messages. She deleted anything that was spam. There were several from Jen, all full of news and questions. Pacey had obviously told the others what had happened. Jack, his were shorter but equally caring. Even Dawson sent cautious but enthusiastic congratulations. Ethan sent concern and congratulations. Then she plucked up the courage to open the one from the Globes editor.

'Oh my god,' she spluttered and her nipple fell from Oren's mouth. 'Sorry baby, I'm sorry,' she helped him nurse again.

'What is it?' Pacey was beside her.

'My editor, he says the column has sparked a lot of feedback and debate. He apparently likes that and says that I get a quarterly bonus of five grand. He said I'll continue to get the same bonus for each quarter that my column runs and generates a good level of debate. He basically just gave me a twenty grand pay rise.'

'Oh my god, you have no idea how much I want to hug you right now, I'm so happy for you. You deserve all that success Jo, you do. You're an amazing writer.'

'Thank you Pace,' she grinned up at him. Oh how she wished she still had distance, that having the baby hadn't opened up this perpetual longing for him.

'I tell you what, Potter, that little guy there, he's going to be proud of us one day. We might be young but we're showing them.'

'Are you referring to your mystery project?'

'Might be,' he grinned, 'but you...you look exhausted, so I'm not going to tell you about it today. I'm going to save it. When that little guy is done, you can eat some food, then I'm going to change his diaper whilst you go through the bathroom and then I'm going to snuggle him up in his enormous crib, and I'm going to say goodnight. The inevitable is here.'

'You're going,' she stated.

'I would stay if you'd only let me,' he told her sincerely, 'you know snuggle in that double bed. Lots of room,' he added with a grin and she flushed but shook her head.

'He's done,' she handed him the baby and took the bowl of pasta and sauce he offered her. She ate a little and then went to the bathroom. She listened to the sounds of them in the living room, Pacey talking to the baby as he changed it, saying nothing more than sweet nothing's really, words of affirmation about Oren and about her. He wanted to stay but she knew it would kill her. The darkness would descend. He didn't want to stay for her, more the baby. He wanted to be close to his son, but it couldn't go both ways. At this time he didn't get to be close to the baby because that meant he would be to close to her. She worried about the moment that door closed behind him but she knew it had to. She went to the toilet, noting how much she still bled, then brushed her teeth and washed her face. She padded through to her room and saw that Pacey was placing the baby in his crib, swaddled and asleep. She stood a little awkwardly by the bed.

Pacey had stayed every night in the hospital. He'd slept in a chair, passed the baby to her when he cried, helped her feed him, changed diapers, done whatever was needed. In the day he went to work, but he was there at night. They hadn't talked really, just supported one another. If he heard her crying he never said.

'Ok...so I better go,' he kept staring at her. Oh how she wished he wouldn't stare at her, the look on his face contradicted with the words that still ran through her head. He looked at her like he longed to touch her.

'It's the baby, not me,' she whispered. 'Don't look at me that way because you don't really feel that way.'

'You don't know how I feel,' he whispered back.

'I know that if it weren't for that baby you wouldn't be stood in front of me looking at me like that,' she stated firmly. 'Goodnight Pace.'

'Goodnight Jo,' he sighed and left. She listened until the front door shut and then she dropped into her bed and cried. Her heart was racing and her adrenalin pumping at the knowledge that she needed sleep, she was exhausted and yet she couldn't sleep, couldn't remove the burning image of him stood looking at her. She breathed deeply, in and out and then turned on her side to look at Oren in the darkness. She should think of him, focus on him, on the rise and fall of his chest. The tears that had only just ceased began again. She closed her eyes and tried to find something removed from it all. Something like an orange. She began to mentally peel an orange. The panic drained from her a little and her heart began to slow. It wasn't peace she felt but it was something. Before she realized she'd fallen asleep the cries of the baby woke her up. She looked at her alarm and realized she'd been asleep for two hours. Sitting up she realized she had to stand to get the baby. Luckily Pacey had thought to leave her the bag of changing supplies at the foot of the crib. She picked up the baby and hugged him.

'Hey, hey, it's ok,' she murmured before lying down with him and pulling her shirt out the way. 'Good boy,' she soothed as he began to nurse. She felt oddly contented, a feeling she didn't really get any more. It wasn't like she felt better, but she didn't feel worse, despite the exhaustion.

**Please review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Not the end yet! Not for a while violet1429! Thanks for the reviews.**

**Chapter Eight**

The next morning, if Joey could call it that, was a bit of a blur. She wasn't sure how much of the night had been spent awake, asleep, feeding, changing or crying. It had been long, of that she was sure. And lonely. But she'd done it and Oren was alive, clean and fed. She checked him and then headed to the kitchen and took her tablets - step one. Then she turned on the shower and cleaned herself, allowing herself to curl up in the base of the tub and vent her misery to the water. The permission she gave herself to cry somehow made it easier to stop, easier to calm and when she went to her room she found Oren awake and looking around, his arms flapping. Looking at him, his little eyes looking at her she realized she loved him. That at some point over the two weeks in hospital she had fallen in love with him utterly and completely and without condition. She put a finger to his hair noting how the front was starting to lift in a semblance of a curl. It was weird but she realized she wanted to go out. Two weeks stuck in the hospital and a day in her apartment and she desperately wanted fresh air.

'Hi...I let myself in,' Pacey smiled at her from the kitchen.

'I really aught to lock the door I suppose,' she murmured and his face fell, 'not to stop you getting in, but for safety,' she clarified with a smile that came from deep inside. Despite everything she no longer wanted to stop Pacey from getting in.

'Yeah, I think Doug would concur. In fact I concur.'

'Maybe I should give you a key? Then if I fall asleep you can lock the door on your way out?'

'Sure,' he grinned broadly and she rolled her eyes as he took Oren from her and kissed his forehead. 'Hey gorgeous baby,' he cooed and she watched Oren's eyes open and stare at his dad. 'How was your night?'

'We got through. I'm tired but I want to go out.'

'The doctor said to take it easy, stay at home for a week.'

'I know. I'll give it a week, but I need some fresh air soon.'

'How about I open you a window and give you a bowl of the fruit salad I made? That's gotta feel something like the great outdoors?'

'Ok, yeah,' she smiled. 'Thank you.'

'It's always a pleasure,' he reassured her.

* * *

The first few days home passed in a blur. She wasn't yet fully recovered from the birth and combined with the sleepless nights and her continued imprisonment at home her mood was slumping. She cried for a long time in the shower and when she turned it off she heard Oren crying, or screaming to her ears. She pulled on underwear and a pad and fed him in bed mostly naked, wiping guiltily at the tears. Bessie had said guilt free but it was hard when she impacted someone so small. She vowed to take him into the bathroom. She would stem her tears to save his. When he finished eating she dressed and then headed through to the kitchen and drank a glass of water and ate a small bowl of cereal and then gathered Oren up and moved to the rocker where she nursed him from the other side. There was a knock at the door,

'Come in,' she called.

'It's only me,' Kerry smiled from the door and then hesitantly kicked off her shoes.

'I'm feeding him but I don't mind if you don't.'

'Seen one set of boobs, seen them all,' Kerry said dismissively. 'What I mean is it doesn't bother me. I'm a little envious at how easy you find it.'

'We're all envious of something. I'm envious at how together you are.'

'I don't feel like I've got it together,' Kerry stated.

'But you do. You sort everybody out with just what they need and you do it so quietly that I think sometimes people don't notice. I do though, so thanks.'

'Should I make some tea? And then I thought maybe we could take a walk. Pacey called. He thought it was doing you no good stuck in here.'

'Pacey's right. He always has had a knack of knowing what I need.'

'We'll take it easy. The first few weeks are tough Joey. Pacey said it's been hard on you. He wants to be here more than he can you know? Just trust me that when you can start to do the things you did before - it feels a little easier.'

'I hope so,' Joey smiled a little.

'So I got something for you,' Kerry flushed. 'I feel a little I don't know, embarrassed now, after what you said.'

'What is it?'

'Well I realized you were never going to get the stroller up and down all the time. It won't be a problem when he's bigger and you can leave the stroller down there and he can walk up and down. So well I made you this,' she handed Joey a long wide piece if material. It was black and felt like a t-shirt. 'It's a baby carrier, like the simplest one around, you just wrap it around the baby in all sorts of different ways and then tie it. You can nurse, carry the baby facing you, facing away from you all sorts. And you can get it on pretty easy alone. I printed out the instructions.'

'Thank you Kerry! And see you just confirmed what I said. No one else even thought about getting in or out, not even me.'

'It's nice to help,' Kerry shrugged as Joey pulled her top down and lay the baby on the ground to change him.

'Actually I need your advice,' Joey flushed a little. 'I need a bra, you know, one so I can nurse. I'm worried by boobs will be at my knees otherwise.'

'Sure, we can walk to a great store, not too far from here, if you like. Get a coffee from Leery's and then head back.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded. 'If it's too far home I'll get a cab.'

'Nah, we'll call Dougy and he can pick us up in the cruiser,' Kerry grinned.

'Ok, so would you be ok to carry the baby?' Joey asked as she popped the last popper on Oren's onsie. 'Come on Oren,' she kissed his head,

'Oh you named him. That's such a sweet name.'

'I thought you'd know, I'm sorry.'

'You have to announce the name of babies generally,' Kerry laughed again.

'In that case I better send a quick email before we go.'

* * *

It was a bright day and the sun was almost warm on her skin. She didn't have her old body back yet, she probably never would, but she was certainly shrinking. She knew part of it was that she didn't eat enough, that she hadn't during the pregnancy, and that she was breast feeding. Her stomach wasn't flat, but it was nearly there. It was hard to walk though. Her scar hurt and she had to take each step slowly. At least she had Kerry to carry the baby. Kerry looked inordinately pleased with her job.

'Is this such a good idea Joey?' Kerry worried.

'It's not so far,' Joey shrugged 'and if we go slow it'll be ok. I'll need to find a washroom when we're there.'

'Still bleeding?'

'How long does that last?' Joey hated it,

'Six weeks each time for me.'

'Oh, so only three more weeks to go.'

'The shop is just up here,' Kerry motivated.

'I'll rest a minute when we're there,' Joey smiled at Kerry's concern. She actually felt better than she had in months. Just being out, looking at her baby with new eyes she suddenly felt that she had an opportunity, an opportunity to be good at something, to not fuck it up. Almost a rebirth.

They went into the shop and Joey moved straight to the chairs outside the change rooms and sat down. The shop owner admired the baby and said she'd measure Joey for the bras she needed. It was all quite simple, even if the lady was admittedly a little snooty. After they were done they crossed the street to _Leery's Fresh Fish _and Joey headed straight to the washroom after handing Kerry the baby.

She'd bled a lot. Not enough to send her back to the hospital but the feelings of being overwhelmed crept upon her as she struggled to change her leggings, underwear and pad, thankful that she'd brought spares. She pushed her feet back into her boots and packed her bloodied clothes into a plastic bag, before exiting the stall and washing her hands.

She went back into the restaurant wondering what she thought she was doing. Being in a place like Leery's with the possibility of seeing both of Dawson's parents, it was just horrible, and overwhelming. She wondered whether to snatch Oren from Kerry and run, but she knew she wouldn't get far. She needed to sit down, and she needed to do so soon for the familiar black diamonds were whipping around at the corners of her eyes. She heard a quiet cry and spotted Kerry and Oren at the back of the restaurant with Pacey and Mrs Leery. The sight of Pacey brought the feeling of unexpected relief to her. She moved to join them before she fell over.

She slipped into her seat almost unnoticed as the three cooed over the baby until Mrs Leery looked up at her and smiled that happy but slightly sympathetic smile of hers,

'Oh Joey hunny, he's just perfect. So small but so perfect. I just about died when Bodie and Pacey told us what happened.'

'I'm ok now,' she shrugged.

'Crazy as ever,' Pacey shot her a look of utter affection, 'to walk so far. Three weeks ago you nearly died.'

'Three weeks Pace and it was your idea! I haven't been out in so long. Surely you're not going to knock the fact that I wanted to go out, that I enjoyed the feel of the sun on my skin?' she looked at him pointedly.

'No,' he conceded with an easy grin, 'though you're getting driven home.'

'I realized I don't have a car seat,' Joey gave them an awkward smile.

'Actually I gave my old one to Dougy, it's in the back of the cruiser.'

'You are amazing,' Joey squeezed Kerry's hand.

'You sure are sis,' Pacey ruffled her hair, which caused nothing but irritation.

'How are you finding it? How are the nights? Sleepless, huh?' Gale nodded sagely.

'It's ok, I'm ok,' Joey didn't know what Mrs Leery expected her to say. Not when she must know about Joey's depression. It seemed like a nothing, nothing conversation, devoid of any truth. So many people found sadness impossible to confront, even when it wasn't their own.

'I'm so glad. You must be proud of Pacey here?'

'Actually she doesn't know any of it Mrs Leery. Jo's had a lot on, and with her depression we've just kept things...compartmentalized,' Pacey gave her a soft smile and Joey hated the surge of love for him. It felt so unfair that she should still love him so entirely.

'So why am I proud of you Pace?' she smiled at him softly, 'aside from the obvious.'

'The obvious?' his voice croaked a little.

'You know...the fact that you're here..that you didn't leave even though I begged you to go. How you are with Oren, how you are with me,' she trailed off at his expression of surprise.

'I ummm...well for starters I work here. I'm Bodie's apprentice,' he grinned at her and handed her Oren who was beginning to cry. Joey fumbled under her top to release her new bra. Apparently it wasn't quite so easy to nurse discretely in public. Joey began to panic as Oren began to cry more loudly. She looked at Pacey who mouthed at her not to worry. She watched him grab one of the large material napkins and move to her side, where he held it in front of her. 'Nice bra,' he said with far too much approval.

'Shut up,' she rolled her eyes as Oren's cries finally ceased. 'Thank you Pacey.'

'You're nursing him?!' Mrs Leery watched her, surprise evident, 'I'm very impressed.'

'Don't be,' Joey mused wryly, 'it's easier. Foods made, the right temperature and it doesn't run out. Cheap too.' Pacey laughed and then slapped a hand over his mouth,

'Sorry, I just like your candour.'

'Right back at you,' she gave him a quick smile and the look they shared made her heart pound. 'So how does Bodie say you're doing?'

'Oh this boy is a natural in the kitchen,' Mrs Leery enthused. 'I don't know where he gets it, although don't tell your mother I said that.'

'Secrets safe with me Mrs Leery,' Pacey grinned in her direction but he kept his eyes on Joey. 'I'll call Doug to come get you guys, but whatever you want is on me. Please don't make me come out here and force feed you Jo.'

'Well what's good and cooked by you?' she asked.

'The salmon.'

'Then I'll have the salmon.'

'Good choice. Kerry?'

'Clam chowder please.'

'Sure thing sis. I'll be over after work Jo.'

'Great, thanks,' she watched him disappear back into the kitchen.

* * *

'Joey...' Pacey pushed into her apartment.

'He won't stop crying Pace. I fed him, I changed him, I've rocked him but he won't stop,' she was crying. She must look a mess but she didn't care. The morning had been so great - she and Doug had gone for a walk and a coffee but the afternoon was long, too long and too lonely and he'd been crying for two hours.

'Give him here sweetheart,' Pacey reached out and took the baby. Joey curled up on the floor. 'You're tired Jo. Go have a lie down and let me take care of Oren. I'll take him for a walk, give him a bath and bring him to you when he's hungry.'

'Really?'

'Really. Now go,' he caught her hand and squeezed. She didn't even realize until he'd done it, but was too exhausted physically and emotionally to cope. She fell into her bed and was asleep in seconds.

* * *

Joey awoke with a start. She felt entirely too refreshed and it brought a rolling wave of panic. She looked to the crib and Oren was there. Kneeling she placed a hand on his chest relieved by the steady rise and fall. She began to cry, relieved and confused all at once. It was three in the morning. She must have gone to bed at eight, how could the baby have gone for so long? She looked around the room and saw the note paper beside her bed.

_Now don't be mad Potter. You were sleeping soundly and Oren got hungry. I brought him to you but you were so peaceful so I kinda pulled up your shirt. You were in the right position and I just had to flick that catch on your clever new bra and our clever baby did the rest. I kept my eyes closed and I didn't touch your boob. Well maybe I grazed it, but it was a total accident. I watched and yeah, maybe that was a little more enjoyable than it should have been but I had to make sure to Oren was ok, change him and put him back in his crib. I did do your bra back up for you. You moaned. So maybe your subconscious wants me to touch you. Anyway, I have to work tomorrow and I need to do some things in the evening I can't get out of. I'll call through with dinner around 9. Love Pacey xxxxxx_

She didn't know whether to laugh, cry, blush, be angry, thankful or what. Closing her eyes she drifted back to sleep until Oren began to cry a half hour later.

* * *

The weeks began to blur together. It was hard for Joey to know how she felt about anything anymore. The Witter's continued to visit everyday without fail. Through communication she knew nothing of, someone would call through, or arrange to meet her for a walk using the new cellphone she'd got. It was just a simple pay as you go, but she wanted to be able to call if she or Oren needed help. The days seemed to repeat somewhat. Oren slept fairly well, so it wasn't that she was tired, of course she was tired, it just wasn't all consuming, it was just that she fed, she changed, she burped, she comforted, all alone and all on a repeating loop. Endless days and nights of soothing when her heart still ached. At times she wanted to crawl into a ball and hide and at times she did, but she always responded to Oren. Somehow she couldn't shut off her ears to him. He would cry in the night and she would curse and curse again, but it wasn't at him. She couldn't have said she was happy. She wasn't happy, not in anyway. She loved the baby. Loved him entirely but he didn't heal her, he didn't make it all magically disappear. The overwhelming hatred of herself still prevailed, as did the tears and introspection. But she functioned better, she had to function, and at time that allowed her to push through the despair and see things with a little more clarity. Sometimes the weight on her wasn't so heavy anymore.

'Pacey,' she said. He was staring out the window, at the darkness.

'Jo?'

'Will this ever end?'

'We're speaking about your depression?'

'Yes. I mean I'm better than I was, I know, but will I ever be happy?'

'I really, really hope that you will,' Pacey sat on the floor beside her. 'There are moments, moments when I think there's a little joy for you. Sometimes when you're looking at Oren, or nursing him, you kind of drift off, except your gaze is focused on him.'

'I love him,' she said and then shifted, 'and sometimes I hate him. Not hate like you hate things, but hate what he's done to my life. And then I hate myself because of course he didn't choose any of this, it was all us. But you can recognize that the feeling is wrong but you can't stop it when it bursts through you, this anger at being constantly overwhelmed.'

'I know what you mean,' he said and her head whipped round to look at him.

'You do?'

'Of course Joey. We're only kids ourself and we have this beautiful little guy who we're totally responsible for. And I love him, I love him like I never thought I could love anything except...well anyway, I do love him, but there are moments when it feels like, give us a break, just stop for a minute, for a second and let me be me, the me who I was. It is a kind of anger, a frustration. I think hate is too hard?' He looked at her and she conceded with a nod,

'Hate is probably too hard. I think in life we often say we love and hate things when we actually mean something quite different.'

'True Potter, true.'

'I'm glad you're here Pace. When you first came back I thought it was the worst thing in the world. I felt like you being around was literally killing me bit by bit. Maybe I'm immune now, I don't know, but I know having you here is a lot better than not having you here.'

'As I said to you once before, when you like somebody, proximity is usually a good thing.'

'I do like you,' she nodded.

'I was referring to me liking you,' he gave her a smile and she smiled back, his hand somehow resting on hers. Then the baby let out a small cry and opened his eyes to look at them,

'Oh he's awake,' Joey sighed, 'I was just going to put him down and go to bed...but no,' she looked at Oren laid on her lap and smiled at him, 'not your fault though, huh.'

And then the strangest thing happened. His eyes opened wide as he looked at her and his little mouth curved, curved in an imitation of her and he smiled.

'Well that's just about the most beautiful thing I've ever seen,' Pacey grinned and the baby smiled again.

'Oh it is,' Joey agreed peeking at Oren over her arm to hide her tears. 'So of course I cry.'

'Shall I take him?'

'Please.'

* * *

After Oren smiled it seemed to Joey that she'd given birth to the happiest child in the world. His disposition was apparently sunny and he smiled easily captivating both his parents and others. Joey thought long and hard on this, especially given her concerns about him when he was inside of her and the effects her depression may have had on him. To her it seemed as though maybe she'd cried all his sadness out for him. He was generally a contented, happy baby. Not like Alex had been, not at all. The more he smiled, the more his hair seemed to curl, until his brown hair had nearly all curled.

'He's quite the cutest baby in the world, but you must never tell Kerry I said that,' Gretchen was bouncing him on her knee, 'and I'm much happier now I don't have to hold that head all the time.'

'He does sort of spread a little joy,' Joey said rocking in her chair.

'You decided what to do with those cd's? Gretchen asked. 'They're looking a little dusty and when this one is off, they'll be destroyed.'

'I don't know.'

'I'm sorry,  
I miss you,  
It was all me,  
Alone in my head,  
I had hurt in my heart,  
I blamed you,  
Which wasn't true.  
I was in trouble,  
I was sad,  
I hurt really bad,  
And so I blamed you,  
With things that I said,  
Designed to hurt,  
To make you feel,  
As sad as me,

I blamed you,  
But it was all me,  
Bad feelings grew,  
Love faded,  
But love didn't die.  
Love grows a new

I miss your eyes  
Now your smile is gone  
For your heart I long  
The feel of your skin  
My hand on yours  
I still need you...

Feeling at fault  
Laying the blame  
Life's not a game  
I want to be there  
Holding you tight  
Drying your tears  
Making it right  
You make my heart light

I want you to heal  
I want you to feel  
How much love I have  
Love for you  
Love that is true  
I'm sorry  
You're sorry  
You don't believe me  
You don't trust you  
I miss you  
Your hand to hold  
Your skin to touch  
Your tears to dry  
My body next to yours  
Fingers entwined  
It was all me

Give me a chance  
Please  
I love you  
I have always loved you  
I will always love you  
I miss you  
I will always miss you  
I want you  
I will always want you.  
I need you  
I will always need you

'I had Oren and he didn't give me another cd,' Joey mused.

'You sound a little sad about that fact.'

'It probably means, well you know, he's stopped trying or maybe it just got too expensive? Maybe he's said all he has to say?'

'Believe me Joey. Pacey has not stopped trying. Not after that...stream of post-it's and not in life. He wants you. He's stopped the cds but he's letting you know in other ways. He's here everyday and he stays until you're asleep. He brings food or cooks for you.'

'He brings me chocolate hearts,' Joey admitted. She'd find them each morning when she awoke, on her pillow, beside the bed, or next to a mug he'd placed on the counter for her morning cup of tea.

'He does?'

'Yeah. When we um, slept together that first time, he got me chocolate hearts. He must have an endless stash of them somewhere because I find one somewhere here each time after he's been.'

'See, no giving up from that boy.'

'It's just maybe he should, give up I mean.'

'You might not be able to see it, he might not be able to see it, but a donkey could see how much you love him. Why? Why would you want him to give up? I know you're not better, hell, you'll probably have to work on this everyday your whole life, but why deny yourself the one person you want, especially when they want you?'

'I wish it were so simple. Every time Pacey goes to touch me I think about how it makes him feel.'

'It isn't the same now. He doesn't feel that way. You know he'd do just about anything to touch you now. He longs to touch you.'

'It doesn't change the fact that I took him to that place. I made myself so repulsive to him, I could do it again and now Oren is involved. Wouldn't it be wrong to risk it?'

'Pacey's talked a lot to me and to you about senior year and the things he said to you. Maybe it's time to listen.'

'I do listen. I do. My success emphasized his failures. How can I take pleasure in my personal triumphs when I'm with him? He didn't share with me, I didn't know how bad it was.'

'Now you won't let him share.'

'We all have our own methods of self preservation,' Joey mused wryly, 'Pacey was like nothing I'd had in my life before. He was guaranteed.'

'Nothing in life is guaranteed Joey.'

'Don't misunderstand me. I know, I know better than anyone that there are no guarantees, but Pacey, he made me believe that I wasn't just a girl he fell in love with. I wasn't just his best friends soul mate. I wasn't just some crappy high school romance. He made me believe I was his one true love and of course looking back, how stupid that seems? How young we are?' tears flowed like rivers, 'but I believed it. I believed we'd have not risked everything if it hadn't have meant something more, in the grander scheme of things. I believed that Pacey loved me unconditionally.'

'He did, it was himself he didn't love the same way.'

'No, you don't get what I'm saying. I believed all those things and in some ways maybe they were true. I don't doubt that Pacey loved me. I don't even doubt that it was something special. I doubt me Gretchen.'

'You?'

'I gave myself over to love unconditional and that's the thing, when we think something is unconditional we take it for granted. I did that with both Dawson and Pacey. I didn't mean to but I did. I gave Pacey something special, well when you're seventeen if feels pretty special. And then I told Dawson I hadn't. I did a lot of things to both of them that weren't very nice and honestly, what did I expect?'

'I don't understand?'

'They were eighteen year old boys. They weren't my father, or my brother, or a son. They had no more loyalty to me, no more unconditional love than any other guy I may have met. It hasn't escaped my notice that despite flirtations here and there, the only two guys I've considered seriously dating are my two best friends. I think I sought from them what I got no where else, especially not after my mom passed away. I went for boys who could never really leave me, but of course that's not true, as has been proven.'

'So what are you saying?'

'Wouldn't a relationship with Pacey be yet another selfish act? Don't you honestly think he could be happier with someone, someone a lot less fucked up? A lot less selfish? I know my introspection is necessary at the moment, it is, in order for me to reach a better place, but really... Pacey deserves someone more interested in him than themselves.'

'I see what your saying, I do,' Gretchen conceded. 'I just don't think you always get to choose.'

'I would make Pacey miserable.'

'But you never know, he might make you really happy. And I don't think you'd make him miserable.'

'Maybe,' Joey stood and crouched down in front of the CDs. 'I need a permanent marker,' she said and went to her pen pot.

'Why?'

'I can't keep them like this forever you're right. But for some reason I want to remember the order they came in. I've spent so many hours of my life staring at them.' Crouching down she wrote a number one on the first cd and the first post it then carefully stacked them. She continued with each cd, carefully marking and stacking them.

'My brother is actually quite the romantic,' Gretchen mused.

'You have no idea,' Joey smiled a little. 'Is Hal a romantic?'

'He's romantic with words. Less so with gestures. You know we still haven't slept together.'

'And you want to sleep with him?'

'Doesn't everyone crave physical contact?' Gretchen asked and then frowned, 'well except you.'

'Oh I crave it,' Joey stated blandly, 'why? Is he a virgin? Or just old fashioned?'

'I don't know. He's coming here with me in a couple of weeks, for the weekend. We're actually gonna stay at the B&B. Even I'm not brave enough to subject Hal to a weekend under the same roof as mom and dad.'

'Well maybe then. Same bed, together...' Joey suggested.

'I don't know. I wonder whether we connect that way. He's such a controlled guy, so different to other guys I've dated.'

'Maybe he just thinks you're worth the long game.'

'Maybe. So you do miss it?'

'It? You mean sex?'

'I mean it all. Sex and everything, the kissing, touching?'

'Yeah. Since Oren was born I have this pull towards Pacey, this primal drive to claim him as mine, which is just crazy considering I can't bare to have him touch me. I miss everything about him, his arms around me, his lips, everything, but that's probably just hormones.'

'Haven't you always wanted him in that kind of way? You know uncontrolled?'

'Well maybe,' Joey flushed.

'And you see, what if Hal doesn't want me that way? Aren't we really just doomed?'

* * *

**Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

Oren's crying woke Joey at around six in the morning. It had been a good night really. He was only a few weeks old but he'd go to bed at around nine and sleep until three. Even though she was up three hours later again it didn't really matter if she went to bed when he did. She didn't even remember Pacey leaving the night before - she had been lying in bed feeding Oren with Pacey sat on the edge of the bed talking to her and at some point she must have simply fallen asleep. It was strange to fall asleep in a bed again after months of falling asleep on the cold wooden floor. It was even stranger to fall asleep with Pacey sat with her, talking to her and for that to feel ok. Oren had changed the dynamic between them again. Before he was born it had felt like a mixture of torture and pleasure to be around him, the torture definitely outweighing the pleasure, but now she felt like something was missing when he wasn't there. She enjoyed his easy going nature and she loved how he was with the baby, how eager he always was to hold him and be with him. She knew that at times their behaviour with one another was borderline flirtatious, but it was hard. He was still Pacey - the boy she had been unable to stop herself falling head over heels in love with. He was kind, thoughtful, romantic, and selfless and he had that easy going glib thing working for him again. He made her feel lighter and happier which worried her. Happiness was an inside job and sometimes it felt like she might be nearing it again. What concerned her was whether the happiness might be down to him. She didn't want that. It had to be her.

First thing in the morning, she didn't wake up and cry any longer. She awoke and pulled Oren to her, first for a cuddle and then so he could eat. It was hard to cry when he greeted her each morning with such a happy smile. Pulling on a hoody and some warm slippers that Pacey had given her she would shuffle through to the kitchen. This morning, like so many other mornings, Pacey was sat at the small kitchen table with a mug of tea waiting for her. He was reading a book which was also increasingly common - it seemed that his love of literature hadn't suffered the same fate as hers. The book of the day was _Catch 22._

'Enjoying it?' she asked sitting down beside him and handing him the baby that he reached for.

'I'm thoroughly enjoying it,' he grinned at her and snuggled Oren, kissing his hair and his cheeks.

'I saved his diaper for you,' she tucked her legs up against the table and held her hot cup of tea.

'Such a kind girl,' he rolled his eyes. 'At least I get to choose his clothes,' he said with a smile.

'What time did you get here?'

'Just after six,' he said easily, moving to the floor with Oren and reaching for the change bag and mat. She knew he was staying close so he could see her and talk to her and it lifted her heart.

'It's nice when you're here first thing like this,' she said without really thinking. 'I mean there's no pressure, it's obviously fine if you're not, you know that. There's no pressure.'

'Mornings here are my favourite thing in the world. I hate it when I oversleep and can't make it,' he gave her a look and she flushed.

'I wish I could oversleep,' she said easily. 'Not that I can really complain given that he only woke once last night.'

'No, I don't think you can,' he agreed with a wink at her. She flushed again, hating how flustered he could make her these days. 'What are you guys up to today? Want to call through Leery's and have some lunch with yours truly?'

'Yeah I think we could do that,' she shrugged easily. 'My editor wants me to call him which I really don't want to do, and I'm meeting up with Dougy after his shift but that's it.'

'Why does your editor want you to call and why don't you want to?'

'I think he wants to speak simply because we never have. Well I hope it's that and not to tell me I'm fired,' she frowned, 'and I don't want to because I'm terrified. You and your family and my family are the only people I speak to on the phone these days. I don't even speak to Jen, Jack or Dawson. I feel completely overwhelmed on the phone. I can't explain it, but every bit of my awkwardness, my inability to function - well being on the phone exacerbates it. I guess because I can't read the other person. I just panic.'

'I can, I don't know, come back on my break and be here?' he offered.

'As much as I'd love you to hold my hand, well I need to do these things by myself. I'm trying to do better,' she struggled to explain and then dropped her head to her arm at the realization of what she'd just said, 'I meant figuratively hold my hand,' she stuttered into her arm. She heard Pacey laugh,

'I figured that,' he teased and she looked at him and smiled. That was an improvement she knew. Before Oren was born she would have cried. Overwhelmed by the mere thought of Pacey holding her hand. The thought didn't terrify her anymore she realized.

'I have to grow up Pace. I'm that guys mom and moms handle stuff.'

'I have to say Jo, you may feel awkward on the phone but you don't sound it. Keep it simple, be yourself and you'll do just fine.'

'Thanks,' she nodded and took Oren who was wearing just a diaper. She snuggled him into her hoody.

'Choosing clothes,' Pacey grinned and headed to her room returning a few minutes later with a rainbow vest and a pair of denim overalls.

'Subtle Pace,' she rolled her eyes as he took Oren and began to dress him.

'What?' Pacey acted all innocent.

'You can't fool me. Doug's going to take one look at the kid and know you chose his clothes - so funny,' she rolled her eyes again but grinned, especially at Pacey's expression. 'You think you're so damn clever.'

'Come on...I had Doug out by the time I was old enough to know what it meant to be gay. I was right!' He clearly amused himself.

'You are unbearable,' she shook her head with a smile and took the baby whilst he grabbed the cereal bowls and a box of Cheerios from the cupboard.

'Oh, I almost forgot,' he dropped the bowls and spoons onto the table, 'I got you something,' he went to the front door and grabbed his bag and handed her two books. 'Jen forgot to give _Twilight_ to you. Now you can pick a side - Edward or Jacob!' He gave her a winning smile and sat down and poured some cereal.

'You think I'm ready to read again, huh?' she looked at the two books.

'I think you're ready to engage in the argument at Spring break and how can you do that if you haven't read the books?'

'I'm not promising anything,' she glared at the books, only because she just wasn't sure what her reaction would be anymore. Before Oren, before Pacey came back, it wasn't that she couldn't read books, it was just that she lacked inclination and motivation. Nothing in her felt like picking up a book, she just couldn't. Now she wasn't sure.

'They're just a fun read.'

'Really? Because the whole choice between two guys thing sounds a little familiar!'

'Well ok, so...hmmm,' Pacey frowned. 'I didn't think about it like that. I mean I identify with Jacob and I don't think Jacob is going to get the girl, and well I did get the girl, but now,' he frowned, 'maybe don't read them.'

'Actually I'm a little intrigued now. You're saying if I want Jacob to get the girl it's like me choosing you and if I want Edward to get the girl it's like what? Me choosing Dawson.'

'Hmmmm,' he frowned again.

'Because I'm not going to choose Dawson. There's a new man in town and I choose him.'

'There is?' Pacey paled and she laughed,

'Yes you dummy, you're looking at him,' she held up the baby and Pacey actually laughed.

'Don't scare me like that,' was all he said but it was enough. The implication being that he wanted her. Even after Oren that thought irked her. His continued desire to be with her, to have another chance still felt tied up with the baby. She couldn't see how to separate his feelings for her and his adoration and love of his baby. Whether they were too young and not ready didn't alter the fact that Pacey was turning out to be a great dad and that he loved the child in every way. Whenever he was there he wanted to hold him, as evidenced by the fact that Pacey had finished his cereal and was plucking the baby from her arms looking pointedly at her still full bowl of cereal. 'You ok?' he asked.

'Just thinking,' she murmured and then felt the tears burn her eyes. 'Can you stay while I shower? If you need to go just put Oren in his crib and lock us in,' she swiped at a tear.

'Sure,' he put a hand on her arm and they both stared at it. Before Oren, before the hospital and her near death Pacey had respected her no touching rule, respected it fully. Since the baby it seemed that he respected it less, that he felt the physical barriers between them lessening, or felt that he himself had knocked them down in the hospital. He touched her now, not in big ways and never for long, but he'd touch her. 'I'll wait till you're done,' he told her and spontaneously brushed at one of her tears. She flinched, she knew she did but she couldn't stop it, it was an instinctive response. 'It's ok,' he smiled at her, a warm open smile and she squeezed his hand as she headed to the shower and the freedom to cry, to vent it all into the running water.

* * *

**Bang. Bang. Bang.**

**Bang. Bang. Bang.**

'Joey?' Doug pushed into her apartment.

'Oh hey,' Joey looked up at him from the rocker where she was feeding Oren.

'You ok? I knocked - loudly,' he smiled at her warmly and brushed a hand across Oren's head before giving Joey a kiss on the cheek.

'Yeah, my mind is going a mile a minute. Sorry, I have the music on and I guess I just...'

'Don't worry,' he grinned and then frowned at the music, 'this is so Pacey, what the heck is it?'

'Daft Punk - I quite like it. I didn't give it much time when he gave it to me, but it's growing on me.'

'So what is it about today that has your mind going and has you listening to...this,' he scowled at the music.

'I rang my editor. He asked me to call. It was a little awkward but he wants me to go to Boston. He didn't know about Oren it seems, Ethan mentioned it, and he wants us to have a photo shoot for a new picture to head my column, he doesn't like the one I sent. He wants to do a feature on me as well, to "_feed the public interest._" I don't know how I feel about it. It's not that I'll lose my job if I don't, but I don't know. I mean I can't lose my job Doug. But a feature?'

'How did you react when he suggested it?' Doug took Oren and began to wind him as Joey sorted her bra and top.

'I panicked, I mean verbally panicked. Luckily he's read my column and he got it. He told me to think about it, but he'll pay me - I mean he'll pay me enough to go to Paris Doug.'

'Pacey could go with you, help with Oren. Hell, I bet Jen and Jack would be there in a flash, as would Gretchen. Think about it, but try and be positive.'

'Ok I will. Pacey said he'd buy us lunch if we went to Leery's,' Joey smiled. 'Well he didn't technically say he'd buy it...'

'Well let's make the boy pay. It doesn't take a genius to work out that he chose Oren's outfit today!'

* * *

Joey was sat in her rocker a few evenings later. Pacey was bathing Oren and she was contemplating going to Boston, the whole notion of going having occupied her thoughts almost constantly. She needed to make a decision she knew that. Her editor wanted her there the following week and he wanted a decision. She had been to Boston before many times. She wasn't worried about the city, it was more how she would cope if it all went wrong, if the world crashed in on her and the darkness became complete again.

'Here's mommy little guy,' Pacey handed her a delightfully clean and gorgeous looking baby, dressed in his sleep suit and wearing this sleeping bag thing that Kerry had given her. He smiled at her and she smiled back kissing his face.

'You're so cute,' she kissed his chubby little neck. 'I love you,' she murmured and he grumbled rubbing his eyes. With a smile she pushed her top out the way and unclipped her bra. Pacey simply sat on the floor beside her.

'You play this album a lot,' he mused after a while, listening to the familiar Fleetwood Mac album.

'My favourite,' she answered but was still distracted.

'What are you most worried will happen if you go?'

'Remember when Dawson took that photo?' she asked and he nodded, 'it felt so wrong. To feel like this and try to capture it, and then when you gave me that photo? Well it just proved it to me. I know this is me, this is how I am right now, but I'm really scared they'll take those pictures and just like with Dawson's photo they'll show me as I really am.'

'There's nothing wrong with who you really are,' Pacey frowned slightly.

'Dawson's photo made me doubt that I should keep Oren. I hadn't seen myself in so long. If I look at the photos they take and I see myself, and I don't like what I see, I'm scared I'll go backwards. I feel like I'm moving forward. I cry less Pace. I focus more. It's little by little but it's happening. What if I look at the photo and I don't see that progress?' she stared at him and he stood up.

'He's finished right?' he asked and she nodded, so he took the baby and went through to her room. He returned a minute later and held out a hand, 'come with me a sec,' he asked and after a long pause she took his hand. He led her through to the bathroom and stood her in front of the mirror. He stood behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. 'I want you to tell me three things you think when you look in the mirror. Take a minute and really look first.' Joey looked at herself, tearing her eyes from the image of his hands on her shoulders, tearing her mind from the feeling of them there. She stared at herself and absorbed each detail.

'I look tired, I have bags under my eyes.'

'Ok, another thing.'

'My skin is pale.'

'And another, just one more.'

'My hair is far too long and messy,' she said, aware that Pacey's large hands were still on her shoulders.

'You do look tired Joey,' he stated, 'but you have a baby, a small baby. I'm not surprised you look tired. But look at your eyes - they're not dead, not anymore. They were you know? For a little while there it felt like you'd gone, but you roll those eyes again and they shine, but not always with tears,' he spoke so kindly, his mouth next to her ear, and so of course her eyes filled with tears,

'Don't speak too soon,' she warned and he chuckled.

'So your skin is a little pale, it's winter still. At least it's clear, and your cheeks aren't so hollow. And as for your hair, I love your hair, it might be long and messy, but it's beautiful. There is such a thing as a hairbrush you know?' he teased.

'So what was the purpose of this exercise?'

'Have you had a good look?'

'Yes,' she nodded and he moved trailing his left hand down her arm again and taking her hand. He pulled her through to the living room and crouched down in front of her bookcase pulling out the envelope with the photo in it that Dawson had taken. 'I don't really want to look at that.'

'But you should,' he tugged her to the couch and they sat down next to one another. He pulled out the photo and handed it to her. Even she could see the difference, it was very obvious and the abruptness of the difference took her by surprise. She turned the photo over and gave it back to him.

'I guess...well I guess I am doing better,' she stuttered.

'No one expects a miraculous overnight fix to this. There will be good days and bad, but I just wanted you to see that you've come a long way. I wanted you to see that you aren't in exactly the same place as you were. I don't think a photo taken would send you back there.'

'What if this...' she gestured to the picture, 'what if this is what they want to see?'

'Well...I guess they are interested in the journey. It is a journey dealing with something like this, not one that ends up in a resolution necessarily. Take that photo with you, let them see where you were - it doesn't mean you have to be back there now.'

'If I go, would you come with me?'

'Of course I would. Absolutely,' he took her hand and she let him, just for a few moments.

'Then I'll go. Could we stay with Gretchen?'

'I think she'd be offended if we didn't,' Pacey grinned.

* * *

The rhythm and noise of the train was calming to Joey. She felt peaceful as the train beat its way to Boston, Oren asleep on her chest and Pacey sat beside her. It was only when the train pulled into Boston that she realized she must have fallen asleep with her head on Pacey. He was gently shaking her awake, and grabbing all their bags and leading her off the train.

'Take a second,' he told her as she clung to his arm, the sheer number of people daunting, her heart racing and her head swimming. 'Gretchen will be in the station and she's got her car.'

'I'm sorry,' she buried her head in his shoulder and tried to breathe and push back tears.

'Hey, it's ok,' he assured her softly and wrapped his arms around her. For the first time in over a year she welcomed his embrace. It felt like it would protect her from anything. After a couple of minutes she found herself calming. Funnily enough Oren's soft grumbles for food helped her centre herself and she pushed away from Pacey and gave herself space.

'Ok, I'm ok. Sorry.'

'Never apologize,' he picked up their bags they walked together into the station.

'Hey you guys,' Gretchen was there and grinning broadly, ignoring Pacey almost completely and giving Joey a hug. 'Lets get out if here, it's honestly hellish. I got a great spot for the car.'

* * *

'So Joey, you and Oren are in there and Pacey and I will bunk out here on camp stuff,' Gretchen ordered and Pacey plonked the bags in his sisters room.

'I don't want to push you out of your room,' Joey hesitated.

'And my baby nephew can't sleep on the floor,' Gretchen rolled her eyes dismissively, 'do you have any idea how excited I am that you guys are here?'

'No,' Joey shook her head and Gretchen whacked her light heartedly on the arm.

'Can I hold Oren? After you've fed him of course,' Gretchen looked like she was itching to take the baby.

'Sure, of course. If he cries in the night you're not going to be so glad we're here.'

'I'll cope,' Gretchen grinned and went into her tiny kitchen and flicked on the kettle. 'So how did you work your way into this little trip?' she teased Pacey.

'Joey actually asked me to come,' Pacey glared at his sister.

'Well I guess carrying the bags and the baby might have been hard work,' she smirked and Joey laughed.

'He's not so bad to have around,' she said and cursed herself for blushing.

'See, I'm not so bad to have around,' Pacey clearly didn't care about her sensibilities, he seemed too pleased with what she'd said.

'Like right now, when Oren has done one in his diaper,' she smiled sweetly and handed him the grumbling baby.

'Oh you're sweet,' he griped but took the baby cheerfully enough.

'So what is the plan?' Gretchen looked at Joey.

'Ethan is picking me, Pace and Oren up at twelve to get to the photo shoot. I want Pacey to come in case Oren hates it, or I, I don't know, have a complete break down. Then the editor, Bill, he's taking us out to dinner. I guess that's it. We won't be back late of course, and then we can spend tomorrow morning with you?'

'You better,' Gretchen grinned and took the cleaned baby that Pacey handed her. 'You have got impressively fast at diaper changes,' she complimented her brother.

'We all have our skills sis,' Pacey gave her a smug smile.

'Wont make you millions bro,' she gave him a pitying look.

'Can I...go have a minute?' Joey asked hesitantly and both Gretchen and Pacey nodded.

'We'll get you a half hour before Ethan's due.'

'Thank you,' she took a deep breath and headed into Gretchen's room, shutting the door behind her.

* * *

Ethan talked a lot as they drove to the office. Joey had noticed that some people did that around her, as if to fill the silences she inevitably left. She had stood back and let Pacey sit in the front so she could go in the back with Oren, but really she found herself wishing to be with Pacey. He was always so at ease with others and she wished she could be the same way. Her depression had broken down a lot of her awkwardness, she didn't feel uncomfortable in the same way as she had - she was what she was - Pacey just made it easier to breathe.

* * *

The photo shoot was lasting a ridiculously long time and Joey could feel herself beginning to go. They wanted it to be natural and so of course it was anything but, and it began to cause panic and anxiety as they kept trying to manipulate the scene. When the tears came, Pacey stepped in and she was relieved he was there, thankful for someone looking out for her. After Pacey's interference things went better, they stopped trying to pose her and just spoke to her, someone taking pictures as they chatted. After the shoot her editor insisted that they had to go out for dinner as planned and Joey was thankful that both Ethan and Pacey were there.

'So as far as I knew you were off sailing around the Caribbean?' her editor Bill, looked at Pacey with interest. 'Thats where Joey's up to in her column anyway.'

'When I got back, some time in November. I came to Boston, got a job in a restaurant here. My mom, she told me Joey was pregnant, so of course I moved back to Capeside.' Pacey said easily.

'Were you mad? Upset?' her editor was clearly a blunt man. She looked at Pacey, interested in his response.

'No,' Pacey chuckled. 'Kind of devastated at how Joey was doing. When you love someone, it's pretty hard to see them that way. I mean how could I be mad or upset about the baby, there was no point! He was going to be and I might as well go with that because I sure as hell couldn't change it. It was being unable to help Jo that upset me.'

'So are you back together? You said love like it's not in the past tense,' Bill looked abruptly to Joey and then back at Pacey, but there was a softness in his expression and it helped her.

'No, not at all,' she shook her head. 'I could barely talk to him and I certainly couldn't touch him or be touched by him. Not for a long time.'

'Joey's not the kind of girl you just fall out of love with. Love wasn't what went wrong between us,' Pacey added.

'So clearly you're close now. What changed?' Bill leant forward.

'I had the baby,' she stated.

'And the baby helped you heal, brought you together?' It felt a bit like an interview.

'No. Oren didn't heal me. We actually both nearly died.'

'You did, for a few minutes,' Pacey said in a low voice.

'There are worse things than being touched,' Joey attempted and held the baby close.

'From where your column is up to I had no idea you were even pregnant.'

'Neither did I at the start. After...after I began to go down...I just sort of lost track of everything.'

'Well you write it very well. We have thousands of emails - literally. A lot of people relate and want to know more about you. I'm tempted to wait to publish this though. I think the gradual revelation of the whole situation will be great,' he pondered the situation. 'Would that be ok?' he looked straight at Joey who nodded,

'Yeah. That would be fine. I'm just grateful I have a job so I can support my baby.'

'I'm sorry I pushed you into coming up here,' Bill said honestly.

'Oh that's ok. It's probably been a good step on the road to recovery or something pretentious like that.'

'Sure,' Bill chuckled. 'It's been great to meet you finally Joey. And the baby, and you Pacey,' he shook their hands. 'Keep the quality coming and you have a good future at the paper.'

'Thanks.'

'I've gotta get going,' Bill stood. 'Dinner is paid for so enjoy yourselves. See you tomorrow Ethan.'

'Sure,' Ethan nodded as Bill exited, then he turned to Joey, 'wow, that's more than I've seen anyone else get from him. Then again your column is generating a lot of circulation.'

'So it went well?' she frowned and Ethan chuckled,

'That went great.'

* * *

The baby would not stop crying. At about eight thirty he'd started to rub his eyes so Pacey had dressed him for bed and she'd headed into Gretchen's room to feed him. Usually he'd fall asleep feeding. She'd wind him which would wake him a little and then she'd just put him to bed. Of course the night she was in Boston, the night after the most overwhelming day and he chose to cry and cry and cry, until she was crying too. She couldn't have said how long it went on for, but her legs and arms were weary and when he wouldn't even nurse she put him on the bed and put her fists in her eyes.

'Hey, hey, it's ok,' Pacey was crouched in front of her, pulling her fists from her face.

'It's not ok Pace. I don't know what's wrong with him. He's lost it, I've lost it, it's so not ok.'

'Go shower, I'll take care of him,' he spoke in such a calm, authoritative voice that it actually got through to her.

'Why do you put up with me?' she asked and his face softened.

'I don't put up with you Joey. If I had my way there wouldn't be any distance between us. He's a baby and he won't stop crying - helping you is not "putting up with you."'

'I bet other people can cope,' she looked down, big fat tears leaking from her eyes.

'Actually they don't. Not at all. This is the stereotype of the over done mom of a little baby who won't go to sleep.'

'It is?'

'Yes you crazy lady,' he gave her a charming grin.

'I'm depressed not crazy,' she sniffed.

'Actually you're wonderful,' he gently tugged her up, 'now go have some space and leave me to Mr Sad.'

'Thank you,' she exited the room, where Gretchen gave her a hug and guided her to the bathroom where the shower was running.

She couldn't have said how long she showered for, but it was a long time. The water cascaded onto her and her tears fell endlessly. Her frustrations vented, they fell for Pacey's assertion of her worth. She wasn't wonderful and she wondered how he could see her that way, or if he truly did. She didn't doubt his sincerity, insincerity didn't work with him, but she didn't really understand how he'd come to see her that way. She had destroyed him. Just thinking over their first time sleeping together could fill her with self loathing. She gave him something so special to her and yet she created such distance between them. The lies that followed were testament to her cruelty. She had been cruel to Pacey, given and taken away repeatedly. How did he even know what to think of her any longer? He was so kind to her, so much the boy she'd loved, the boy she still loved. Sometimes she longed for the oblivion of death so she could just stop thinking. Of course Oren removed all true thought of that. She didn't really want to die, but she wanted a mental break from the realities if who she was.

The water turned cold and she turned off the shower and wrapped herself in a towel. She pulled on the pyjama bottoms and tank top that Gretchen must have found in her bag and put out. She used the towel to dry her hair and then brushed it through. When she exited the bathroom the apartment was quiet. Gretchen was lying on the couch in a sleeping bag and she smiled at Joey warmly.

'Thank you,' Joey said softly. Gretchen nodded,

'Any time.' Joey smiled and then pushed into the bedroom shutting the door behind her. For a second she simply stared at Pacey, bare chested on the bed with Oren in just a diaper asleep on his chest. A surge if longing shot through her, bone deep and extremely intense.

'Skin to skin,' he whispered. 'There was no consoling him and then I remembered in the hospital, the nurse suggesting it one night. He calmed down so quickly.'

'Well done,' she whispered the words, her eyes flicking across his still tanned skin, his strong body, the beat of desire deep within her surprisingly strong. Pacey clearly saw her staring and without any chance of stopping it the air in the room became charged. Joey was fairly certain that if their son hadn't been lying on Pacey's chest she would have been.

'Joey,' he breathed her name and she stared at him without saying anything. Carefully he moved the sleeping baby off of himself, lying him on his back in the middle of the bed. He moved across the room until he was stood in front of her. She knew he wanted her, just as much as she wanted him.

'I want to Pace,' she whispered, 'but I can't,' her fingers skimmed his stomach up and over his pecs, lightly, barely there. She had to fight to stop herself from doing more. His hands found her hips and he tugged her, just a little, until she was flush up against him, the evidence of his desire for her all to obvious.

'Jo,' he groaned her name, his lips in her hair.

'Pacey, I can't, it's not right,' she repeated but her hands continued their exploration of his new muscles, of the body once so familiar.

'Just this is good,' he sighed, his lips pressing against her hair, until they were stood hugging. It was wonderful and terrible all at once. It felt right and wrong all at once. However it felt she knew she needed it and she clung onto him, her lips against the skin of his collarbone.

'Enough,' she gasped when it threatened to become too much. She didn't even know whether she was going to collapse or give in and ravish him. He released her immediately but only took a small step back.

'Can I stay here tonight? With you?' his voice was soft.

'I can't, I'm sorry...' she leant forward and pressed her cheek against his chest momentarily and then stepped abruptly away, dropping to the floor and wrapping her arms around her legs.

'I'm not mad Jo. I don't mind. I'd like to stay here, but there's no pressure. You've been really clear with me,' he crouched down and peeled her hand off her knee until he held it in his. Gently he pulled her up and moving to the bed he helped her in and then as if she were a child he tucked her in beside their sleeping son. She hadn't been tucked in since before her mother died.

'I love you Joey. Nothing changes that,' he whispered, 'I don't know how long it's been now - years I think. Whatever you may think you are utterly loveable. There are so many things to love about you which is why I can't seem to stop.'

'I'm not worth it,' she attempted feeling the heaviness creep over her.

'You are,' he insisted, 'it's never been easy...Dawson made sure of that, but you have always been and will always be worth it. You're not the awful person you seem to think you are.'

'I destroyed you,' she didn't cry like she expected, the words were clear. 'I was cruel and heartless and I destroyed you.'

'Oh I had some blame in that Jo. We all do things that hurt other people. You seem to forget that you weren't trying to hurt me. In fact you were trying to avoid hurting everyone.'

'But I loved you, my loyalty should have been to you and I let you down. I put Dawson first. I wanted both of you. I couldn't stand the thought of him not wanting me. How selfish am I?'

'I don't think it's all that selfish for a girl who lost her mother and her father to try and hang on to the affections of her two best friends,' Pacey stated reasonably.

'But I inflicted so much hurt in the process. And I lost everyone in the process.'

'You never lost me,' he said but his words flooded through her mind.

_You want me to take off the happy mask? Then happy mask is off. So, now answer me this one question Joey, why are you with me? Why are you with me? Cause I don't know why I'm still with you. I used to know, but now I don't anymore. What I do know, I feel like I'm Josephine Potter's little charity project. I feel like I'm the designated loser..._

_It's about you and how you make me feel when I'm with you! I feel like I'm stupid, I'm worthless, I'm never right! You know what I realize? It's not my fault! When I'm with you it's "poor Pacey, he didn't get into college," or "stupid Pacey forgot the limo, he ripped my dress, he messed up the corsage._

_When I'm with you, I feel like I'm nothing. That's why I flinch when you touch me. That's why I never touch you, why I never think about it. Because when I do, it just reminds me that I'm not good enough._

'I did. I lost you the minute that boat docked, the minute I put my conflicted emotions above us. I lost you repeatedly during senior year. I lost you when I leant away from you the morning after we slept together, not into you. You were always good enough, always, but I made you feel like you weren't and that's how I lost you.'

'I'll say it again, what happened that night, the things that I said, it wasn't just about you.'

'No...no...I know that,' she nodded, 'but I have to accept that I played a part. I did make you feel that way. You were wrong about one thing though.'

'What?'

'Whilst I didn't care about all the stuff, the limo, the dress, the corsage, whilst I didn't even care that you didn't get into college if college wasn't what you wanted, me not caring about all that wasn't about low expectations. I just cared about different stuff. I cared that I couldn't make you happy anymore. I cared about how scared of my feelings for you I was, and how they conflicted with this soulmate stuff everybody kept saying about Dawson and I. Even you kept shoving it at me. I was scared that you were going to leave me. I was terrified that if I pressured you to be someone you weren't you'd throw Dawson in my face. You're not stupid. You're one of the smartest people I've ever known, and I've known some incredibly smart people. You could also make me happy. And you made me feel special. I cared because I had a sneaky suspicion all along that it was me that wasn't good enough for you. That one day you'd see me for who I really was, this selfish, self absorbed individual that was so starved for love she couldn't even commit to one person, not whole heartedly and without reservation. And you did. You saw right through me, until I made you feel like you were nothing. And you left me. I'm not good enough for you Pacey and in the most important way of all. You're a good person. Probably the best person I know. I don't know that I am.'

'Ahh, Jo,' Pacey breathed in and out deeply and sat on the edge of the bed. 'I can see the way your mind has reached that conclusion, I can. With all I said and all that happened, I can see it. But it just wasn't like that. I fell in love with you repeatedly and over a long time.

I loved you because you wanted to help principal Green. I fell in love with you because you wanted to create a business for your family, something that had been a dream of your moms. I fell in love with your passion for art, how your eyes would shine when you spoke about it. There were other things, the way you cared - sure it came across as bossy, moralistic anger, but god I loved it. Nobody ever cared about me except you. You're funny too, you know that, with your eye rolling and your banter. I loved it and it was such a turn on. I loved your determination, how much you wanted to succeed. It wasn't your fault I was failing. It wasn't your fault that you didn't get financial aid and Dawson offered to help, I mean who could refuse? It wasn't even your fault that everyone told you he was your soulmate. He didn't make it easy for you to admit the truth about our feelings, let alone our sexual activities. No one made it easy for you. I could go on and on and on until dawn about why I love you, each event and there are an awful lot of them including every word you said to me when we made love that first time, you jumping on a boat with me and sailing off into the sunset. If you want I will tell you them all. It's like you've forgotten why you did things and anything you did that was good. See the whole picture Jo else you'll always be depressed.'

'The whole picture?'

'The whole thing. Not just your role, but my role, Dawson's role, your dad's role, everyone's. I did the same thing as you at prom. I blamed only one person - you. Now you're blaming only one person and that's you as well.'

'I don't really want to blame anyone.'

'So don't, but that includes yourself. If you must analyze, understand and accept it. But do the whole situation not just your part in it. There are always reasons we act the way we do and some are selfish, certainly, but it doesn't mean we are only ever selfish. I lorded Dawson over you, brought him into just about everything, even when I didn't vocalize it. I made your relationship with him into something epic. That certainly effected the way I behaved and the way you did. You have to see the whole picture.'

'Ok, I'll try that,' she nodded and she reached a hand across and took his. 'Thank you Pace.'

'Any time Potter. Now get some sleep before cutikins wakes you up.'

'Sure,' she smiled at him shyly, her eyes roving his bare chest one more time before connecting with his eyes.

'Don't start that again,' he teased gently and she closed her eyes. For a few minutes he held her hand and then he left.

**Thank you for all the amazing feedback. I really appreciate it. I think I have the next part mostly written but it needs some work. Please review! It makes all the difference:-)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you for the continued support with reviews - it's truly appreciated. This chapter has some scenes with a little sexual content. It is not graphic in anyway, but you have been warned. Please continue to review - it all helps!**

**Chapter Ten**

'So I was thinking Potter,' Pacey began.

'Wow, how very innovative of you,' she grinned from the rocker where she was nursing Oren.

'You done?' he raised amused brows and Joey nodded, 'so I was thinking, we should take Oren to the beach for a play. Before all the kids break up for spring break. It's nice outside. The trees are covered in blossom, there are flowers everywhere and the sky is actually blue rather than the depressing grey it's been for the last few months.'

'So you want to go to the beach where there are no flowers?'

'You,' he pointed at her, 'make an excellent point. So I'll change this little impromptu plan and do a little more thinking,' he looked at her, 'come on Potter, there was a time when you couldn't have resisted another jibe about my lack of brain power. Don't be coy, hit me with it,' he looked at her again but she just shrugged.

'Sorry Pace, just the one jibe today.'

'Well we can work on that. Ok, so let's walk the boardwalk and finish up in the park for a picnic? What do you think? This Saturday I'm actually not working for once.'

'This Saturday is your birthday,' she pointed out. Her heart was racing and adrenalin was pumping through her body. This would end in tears she was almost certain.

'Is it? Wow I guess I should check a calendar more often and you know keep track of these things. Nineteen, what an old man, two more years and I'll actually be considered a grownup.'

'Pacey, surely you can make others plans on your birthday.'

'What other plans could be more perfect than spending the day with you and Oren, I mean really.'

'I don't know,' she hesitated. It was a reflex.

'Please Jo. The last few weeks since Oren came along have been a complete whirlwind, especially for you.'

'Ok, but when Jen, Jack and Dawson are home the following week you celebrate properly.'

'Maybe we can leave Oren with Bessie and we can both celebrate properly.'

'Oh I couldn't do that.'

'Which, leave Oren with Bessie or celebrate.'

'Either,' she shrugged. 'I would just be really happy if you did. I don't expect to be a point of particular interest for the others this time.'

'Joey, those guys aren't just your friends. We were all closer than that and you know it.'

'You were. Me? I don't know. I'm working on it, but now everybody is all spread around, it's not quite so easy.'

'Well look ok, I'll do something with them, fine, so long as you come for a picnic with me Saturday.'

'Ok, you got it.'

* * *

Saturday dawned bright and sunny. It had been a surprisingly good night with the baby and Joey felt disgustingly rested. She was completely torn. She wished she'd been up all night with Oren, that she'd awoken with a cold, that it would be pouring with rain, something, anything so that she could avoid something that felt like a date. Sure Oren would be there but he was always there. But it was Pacey's birthday and the guy had a history of seriously crappy birthdays. She was trying to be a better person and that sometimes meant putting others wishes above her own. The whole situation was tormenting her. Especially because there was a small, tiny part of her that wanted to go, that wanted to be with him. The larger part of her recoiled at the idea, simply wanted to resist getting any closer to him in order to protect them both.

She took her tablets as she did first thing every morning and fed Oren in bed. He was really rather adorable she noted, with his large almond eyes in the same blue as Pacey's. His lashes were still fine and delicate but long. His hair was divine with it's softness and it's curl but it was his ever present smile that really melted her. His eyes would follow her and he would just smile every time he managed to catch her eye. It wasn't like he didn't cry and fuss, he did, but not like she'd expected, not like Alex had. He was remarkably chilled out. Mary told her that all of her five had been different. Kerry had been a calm baby, a lot like Oren. She hadn't fussed. But Gretchen and Pacey? They had wanted constant holding, loving, feeding. She got up from the bed and hunted through his drawers for something extra cute for him to wear and found a pair of overalls made out of thin cotton, with a stripy long sleeved vest underneath. Jen had sent them when Oren was born and she had yet to use them.

Once he was dressed, he batted about under his play gym for a while whilst she tidied up and fretted. When she realized she was going to cry she put him in his crib and headed to the shower. It was a ridiculously long shower and she felt tired and overwhelmed when it was done, but she had no tears left for the moment. But then came the more difficult decisions. What she should wear for this birthday picnic. It was easy to dress Oren but she was an entirely different story.

'Start simple,' she said to herself. So she opened her cupboard and found a bra and panties. She took a deep breath and put them on before sinking to the end of her bed. After a few moments she stood and put on a simple necklace and a pair of silver studs. Not too much, not too little. She looked at her bed and wanted to hide in it but for once she wasn't sure whether it was the sadness or the fear that drew her there. Taking deep breaths she took her hairbrush and brushed out her hair. It was still too long, far too long so she pulled it back into a ponytail. Looking at her pale face she added a little blush and some lipstick. No mascara, never because she always cried. The clothes continued to elude her. She opened her bedroom window and realized how warm it was. Somehow a skirt without something underneath was too little. Oh she wished life were still simple. At length she decided to go with jeans and a pretty top. It was boring and safe and totally predictable. But it wasn't like it was a date. It couldn't be a date because she wouldn't have said yes if it was.

She scooped up Oren from his crib and grabbed him a little sun hat from his top drawer and a tiny hoody Doug had given him. She popped him in his basket and packed up her bag with diapers and wipes.

**Bang. Bang. Bang.**

She answered the door and he was stood there, looking happy and self assured. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and a baseball cap. As her heart pounded in her chest she realized exactly how good he looked.

'I um...'

'Yeah?' he frowned through his smile.

'Happy birthday,' she said instead and moved aside. 'We're not quite ready.'

'Hey we've got all day,' he shrugged easily. 'You mind if I carry Bub today?' he asked and she shook her head,

'Be my guest birthday boy. He weighs a ton.'

'No he doesn't.'

'Ok so not a ton, but you can't exactly tell he was premature.'

'No, true,' Pacey dropped to his knees beside the basket. 'Hey little guy,' he grinned down and Joey watched indulgently. She really had to take more care with her heart. She watched as Pacey scooped up his son and grinned at him. Oren grinned back, there was no other word for the smile. 'Pleased to see your daddy, huh.'

'He's always pleased to see you,' Joey said and sat at the table with an orange.

'I hope that's not breakfast.'

'It's a little ball of happiness,' she answered.

'Jo,' he reprimanded and she rolled her eyes.

'Just for today, please leave it, ok?'

'Ok,' he gave in easier than she expected.

'I just need to brush my teeth and then I'm ready.'

'Great, take your time, I think Oren and I need to go see his change mat anyway.'

'Help yourselves,' she gestured.

* * *

Things should have been wonderful but Joey had an ache in her stomach that just wouldn't go, and it wasn't caused by lack of food or any physical upset. It was too reminiscent of what she'd dreamed she and Pacey might have one day in the future. Back when they'd been in love, both on the True Love and when they'd first arrived back in Capeside she had, on occasion, indulged in a fantasy of their future, of their lives as a successful couple and just occasionally she'd seen a small bundle of baby strapped to Pacey's chest, much as there was one strapped to his chest as they walked down the pretty streets in the warm sunshine. Only they weren't together. They weren't in love, or the love they shared was complicated and somewhat tainted. They were children themselves who had done nothing and been nowhere. Their prospects weren't good though they weren't abysmal either. They had a child with them they both loved but he hadn't been made from love. It was like an alternate reality where every bit of her fantasy was tainted just a little. Except for Oren of course. He was perfect.

'Are you ok Jo?' Pacey asked with a smile at her. He didn't ask as much as he had at first because he was used to her long silences now and he endeavoured to never make them uncomfortable.

'Just wondering where the picnic is,' she attempted a tease and he took it.

'Aha, little ball of happiness maybe, stomach filler definitely not.'

'Haha, did you pick up my camera? I don't remember doing it.'

'In the bag,' Pacey smiled.

'You mind if I get it?' she asked. Taking photos had become an excellent way to avoid eye contact, to be doing something that pretended to be with others. Looking at life through a lens sometimes provided clarity and at other times protection. Right now she needed protection.

'Sure,' he shucked off the bag and she dug into the front pocket until she emerged victorious. She zipped the bag back up and pulled it onto her back.

'I can carry it,' he protested but she just pulled out the camera and looked at Pacey through the view finder. Thank god Anna had got her a camera with a view finder. She stared at his face as he smiled at her. If only she hadn't ruined everything between them life would be so different. She took a few pictures and put her camera away. 'Feel better?' he asked pointedly.

'Not really.'

'Joey, this is ok. You and I are going to be in one another's lives forever, we have to be able to get along, to be friends. And we've always been friends.'

'Really?' she shot him a sideways look and he laughed.

'Well I always liked you.'

'I think you put up with me,' Joey corrected.

'After Krudski moved away and well even before, it was always you, me and Dawson. Of course I liked you. Sure I picked on you, how else could I let you know I liked you. And you were just the prettiest girl I'd ever seen, I didn't need a beauty pageant to reveal that and you just stormed at me the whole time. It was fun and then it was a turn on so I didn't mess with it. That all changed though when I fell in love with you.'

'You mean that's when I sucked your soul dry?'

'You are so dramatic,' he complained, 'you didn't ever suck my soul dry, I meant I took the banter a little hard when I loved you and didn't know you felt the same way. But once I knew, well our old patented banter...still a turn on.'

'Then came the soul sucking?' she queried and smirked at his expression.

'There was never any soul sucking woman.'

'Did you just call me woman?' she crossed her arms.

'Well you are one. I've seen you're rather gorgeous chest enough in the last few weeks to know that.'

'You're such a pervert.'

'And you darlin' are still a prude. I actually thought I may have forced it out of you. You weren't exactly a prude in bed.'

'I'm still a prude about discussing me in bed,' she pointed out and flushed.

'We don't have to discuss it, won't stop me thinking about it.'

'Pacey,' she protested.

'It's my birthday Joey. I'm allowed to think about whatever I want.'

'It's probably not so clear anyway, probably my hair colour changes, the size of my chest changes, the shape of my body. Don't they all just blur into one?' she arched a brow at him and he chuckled,

'Nah, sorry, nice try but you'll always stand out.'

'I don't really remember being with you. Not except for the first and the last time.'

'You don't?' Pacey sounded genuinely horrified.

'Depression seems to have wiped me clean of a lot of good memories. I remember they were good.'

'They were fantastic,' he told her smugly and she smiled.

'You're the one with all the comparison.'

'Well you better trust me then. Or I can always remind you?' he waggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed.

'I'm trying to stay out of the mental institute and I'm not sure that would help.'

'Fine, fine...your choice,' he held up his hands disarmingly, 'though you realize you just indicated that sex with me is mind blowing?' he grinned and she laughed and then she couldn't stop laughing.

'You're ridiculous,' she muttered between giggles.

'Ahhh, are those tears of laughter?' he asked and nudged her shoulder with his.

'You're such a doofus,' she muttered. 'Now where's the picnic, I'm hungry.'

'We need to pick it up from my new place of work.'

'What happened at the Leery's?'

'That, my dear, was only ever an apprenticeship. Bodie departing his infinite skill in the kitchen to yours truly.'

'So where do you work?' she frowned.

'Well after next Saturday's grand opening, I work at the newly refurbished _SS Icehouse,_' he gestured grandly to the building and grinned hopefully. She felt like she'd been hit. It was wonderful really, but the wind was gone from her and she sort of sank to the grass and stared at her old family business. 'I had a feeling your reaction might not be entirely positive,' he sunk to the ground beside her, stretching his legs out in front of himself so he didn't squash Oren.

'I don't have a reaction...I mean...I just never expected...'

'The site went up for sale. It had been fixed up after the fire but pretty badly. Doug, he's sponsoring this venture. For the moment he's sole owner but when I'm twenty one the idea is I'll buy out the majority of it. I manage it and I cook. The menu's really simple. In fact that's the general ethos behind the whole place. Simple, affordable, good, healthy food. We have a live band here next weekend, free drinks the whole day when you order food and you're just going to love the waitstaffs uniform.'

'Some horrendous Hawaiian shirt?' she asked through tears she hadn't realized she was crying.

'Boy you know me well.'

'I don't know you at all. I never...never...expected...'

'I did this for many reasons Jo. One, I think I could be good at it. Two, well I think that this is good for us, good for our family, together or not. Oren needs a dad who's not just a waste of space, a dad who sticks at things. And third, well this was your family's place. It's kind of back in your family again,' he trailed off and she didn't know what to say. Somehow her head found it's way to his shoulder and when he kissed her hair she didn't panic. It just felt nice.

* * *

The picnic had been delicious. It was even nicer to lie on the grass on a warm day. Pacey had brought an umbrella from the restaurant over so that Oren wasn't in the direct sun.

'Oh the sun is good for me,' Joey mused as she soaked up it's rays.

'I've always loved looking at you in the sun,' Pacey said bringing attention to what Joey had been ignoring - Pacey's eyes on her. Oren began to grumble.

'Relaxing doesn't last long these days,' she pushed herself to a sitting position and shifted into the shade.

'You ok to nurse there?'

'I'll be fine,' she said unhooking her bra and pushing up her shirt and allowing Oren to have his milk. 'Actually this is going to kill my back, and strain my stomach,' she shifted. 'Can I lean against your side?' she hadn't even realized how casually and easily she was asking for what she was asking. Pacey, to his credit said nothing but shifted until the side of his body took the weight of hers providing her with back support. 'Better, thanks,' she whispered suddenly aware of his solidity all along her back. Subconsciously she leant back into him, and as if feeling her need he pressed a kiss to her head. Her eyes fluttered shut. It felt so natural, so normal for them to be together that way, to be sat in the sun entwined. They'd spent months in the sun entwined, body's pressed together, lips on lips, hands tracing the shape of one another. Everything about the moment contradicted her mantra of so many months. That she repulsed him. He wasn't flinching, he seemed pretty full and not devoid in anyway. He pressed another kiss to her head and his hand ever so gently came to rest across her stomach under Oren's body. Another kiss, as if he couldn't resist, not when she was allowing intimacy after so long.

'Hey...it is you guys?' Dawson's voice. Joey opened her eyes and he was stood looking down at them an odd expression on his face.

'Dawson sit man, can't move, I'm Joey's back support,' from the way his arm tightened around her Joey didn't think Pacey had any intention of moving. 'I didn't think spring break started for another week.'

'Actually us film students get a couple of weeks. I'll be working on a project this week.'

'Aren't you always,' Pacey laughed.

'I thought I'd surprise you with a visit on your birthday, so happy birthday man.'

'Thanks,' Pacey grinned. Joey had closed her eyes again wondering what her old best friend would make of her child, would make of her as a mother.

'Where's your baby guys?' Dawson asked with a grin, 'I've been wanting to see this little man - my mom doesn't stop gushing about how cute he is.'

'He's right here Dawson,' Joey gave him a little smile and gestured to her chest.

'Oh wow...sorry, I didn't even see him what with the blanket. Now I get the whole back support bit. You're nursing him?'

'Why is everyone so surprised?' Joey rolled her eyes.

'I guess..I just don't know many moms that did that.'

'It's easier, it's cheaper and food is always ready and available,' Pacey grinned and Joey smiled.

'And more moms than you know do it I'm sure.'

'Can I join you guys?' Dawson asked and Pacey nodded,

'Of course.'

'It's a beautiful day,' Dawson said looking at Joey. Joey could feel his eyes on her and suddenly the beauty and simplicity of allowing herself to use Pacey as a leaning post felt obvious and crass. She began to move but Pacey, perhaps predicting her thoughts, held her tight and took infinite pleasure in kissing her head yet again. 'Have I missed something here?' Dawson asked looking at them pointedly.

'Actually Joey's just letting me close because it's my birthday. She's kind that way.'

'You make it sound like I'll be sleeping with you later,' Joey protested.

'A guy can wish,' Pacey shrugged easily.

'I'll be crying about this later, I can't imagine what sex would do to me,' she said rather bluntly.

'Don't cry about this. It is what it is. You need to feed the baby, I'm making you comfortable.'

'Technically he's not feeding anymore. Dawson, you want to hold him a second so I don't expose my chest to the whole of Capeside?'

'Sure,' Dawson crawled across the grass and Joey shifted to allow him to take the sleeping baby.

'Finally asleep,' she breathed with relief. 'Just sort of rest him on your shoulder and rub his back. He doesn't really sick up so you should be fine,' she fiddled with her bra and top. 'I need to move away from you Pace. Hanging on by a thread here,' she said quietly and he released her, leaving her quite bereft.

'Thank you,' he said gently and she nodded but said nothing. She turned her back on the two boys for a few moments and took deep calming breaths before turning back, and tuning into the conversation about the grand opening.

'Do you remember, back when it was just the three of us?' she asked at a lull in the conversation.

'Of course,' Dawson grinned, 'we got up to a lot of mischief.'

'Does it ever surprise you, in retrospect of course, how much time we were allowed to spend together?'

'We didn't all ask for permission,' Pacey teased watching Dawson cradle Oren.

'Well no.' She gave him a little smile, 'Why did I have no friends who were girls? I mean you two were great, but it was a little abnormal.'

'It wasn't abnormal,' Dawson defended but Pacey laughed,

'Joey, you've always been, well you've always been you. You didn't want loads of friends, you wanted good friends and I guess that was us.'

'It's been a long time now,' Dawson said. 'And look at you guys now!'

'High school graduates with a baby?' Joey frowned. 'Not exactly fulfilling our dreams.'

'You see Potter, you get it wrong every time, the dreams aren't static, they change. Some stay the same, some are really consistent, but the route you take, well that's all subject to change.'

'You mean I may one day see Paris?'

'I promise that you'll one day see Paris.'

'And how old will Oren be then?'

'Does it matter?' Pacey asked, 'Paris isn't going anywhere.'

'Guys I'm going to see you later, leave you to your picnic,' Dawson stared at them his mind clearly working. 'Can I take you out for a game of pool later Pacey?'

'Well I normally help Jo,' Pacey began but Joey gave him a look,

'Seriously, it's your birthday. I'm sure Doug will be over the minute he gets wind of the fact that you're not.'

'Fair enough,' he chuckled.

'See you guys. He's really lovely.'

'Thanks Dawson,' Joey smiled.

'Can I call over tomorrow? You know a little Dawson and Joey time?'

'Sure,' she nodded.

They watched as Dawson headed off up the street.

'You miss him?' Pacey asked and Joey thought for a bit.

'I miss everything and nothing at the moment. And you, you're emblematic of that you know.'

'Me?' he looked at her with a small frown. He looked, quite honestly, beautiful.

'Yeah. You know when you first came back, I couldn't bare to be near you. The thought of you touching me was just too overwhelming.'

'I remember, believe me. When you let me touch your stomach at Christmas, I thought you might collapse on me.'

'I did collapse, just not on you. After you were gone.'

'Oh.'

'Well, since Oren was born, I don't know what's happened to me. I long for you. I spend hours thinking about you and you being near me and touching me, god I think about being touched by you. Like I said, I just want you so much it's a little scary. And yet you actually touching me, well that terrifies me. The thought of you actually being close to me, it so conflicts with this idea that I made you physically recoil from me with who I was to you. So this longing, this need I have for you it's everything and nothing.'

'I want you so much it makes it hard to see anything but you,' he told her, the words heavy between them, his look utterly intense.

'But you see...to me that's all tied up in Oren. If he wasn't here you wouldn't be here.'

'But he is here and so are we. If he wasn't you'd be in Boston, I'd be in Boston, I wouldn't be over you and you wouldn't be over me.'

'You must be over me. I just don't get how you're not over someone who did to you what I did.'

'And I don't get how you can long for someone who said the things to you I did.'

'I knew this was a bad idea,' she shook her head and began to gather her stuff.

'Now this, this is the Joey I know. You're forced to face views different to your own set ideas and you run away,' he was clearly frustrated.

'I'm not running away, I'm trying to avoid a public mental breakdown.'

'You don't need to have a breakdown,' he stood and faced her.

'But I'm about too,' she offered.

'Please Joey,' he bent his knees in order to look in her eyes, 'please.'

'Please what?' she looked up at him and she faltered because he looked like he might kiss her.

'Take me home, please take me home,' she dropped to the grass and held her knees and so Pacey called Doug.

* * *

Joey cared for Oren mechanically. When she wouldn't speak Doug had wanted to stay but she just shook her head, and took herself and Oren to bed. She didn't know whether she was immobilized by sadness though. She felt sad, that hadn't gone, but the thing with Pacey was more about a dreadful fear of the consequences. What if he touched her and it wasn't what he thought it would be? What if all those awful things she'd made him feel, what if they came rushing back. It would be unbearable to go through that again, to know that she made him feel so utterly awful and how could she make him feel good when she was such a mess. It was his birthday and she hadn't even given him his gift, had barely said goodbye. Again she was selfish and it killed her that no matter how hard she tried everyone seemed to end up hurt.

Oren went to sleep but she did not. Instead she pulled out her cellphone and sent a spontaneous text to him,

_Come by when you're done with Dawson_

Her heart hammered as soon as it was sent. She wasn't entirely sure what her plan was - apologize and give him his gift was her main thought. It wasn't a big gift but it was his birthday. She brushed her teeth and looked at herself in the mirror. She looked gaunt and tired. Sighing she went through to the living room and selected a cd, The Velvet Underground. It must have been only half an hour after her text that he knocked at the door softly.

She moved through the apartment and opened the door and he was stood there looking every bit as gorgeous as he had earlier even though he'd changed to jeans and a checked shirt with rolled up sleeves.

'I didn't give you your present,' she said and he shook his head,

'No you didn't,' he agreed. She stared at him, those eyes of his stormy and staring into hers, challenging her, pleading with her, just begging for her to close the distance between them.

'Wait there,' she held up a finger and went back into the apartment. She couldn't give him what he was asking but she could give him something.

'Jo,' he complained, but she returned a second later.

'This is from Oren,' she said, 'you can keep it at the Icehouse.'

'Thanks,' he said as he pulled out a mug with the tiniest fingerprint animals on it he'd ever seen. Tears filled his eyes as he tucked it back in the bag, 'I um...love it.'

She stepped up close to him and slipped her hand into his,

'This is from me,' she said simply and kissed him, softly on the lips. She'd meant it to be a soft, gentle, quick kiss but Pacey obviously had other ideas. He groaned loudly and pushed her against the wall of the corridor in the apartment, all the while his lips fused with hers, his tongue exploring her mouth, his hands all over her body. His hand sought the skin at her waist and quickly climbed her ribs before cupping her chest. He groaned again and she could feel how turned on he was in exactly the right place and instead of pushing him away, she tugged him closer until his hips ground against her. A breathy moan filled the air - hers and her hands plunged into his hair, to hold his mouth to hers. Pacey apparently wasted no time and he flicked the catches on her nursing bra so it fell open and she spilled into his hands, as he ground against her again. Then she was crying, crying so hard it scared even her as her hands dropped from him and she slid down the wall. She felt Pacey gather her into his arms and then he was carrying her through to the living area. He placed her on the couch and then disappeared. Joey curled up on the couch and sobbed and then Pacey was back with the cushions and duvet from her bed. He tucked them all around her and then disappeared returning a few moments later with a couple more blankets. Then he climbed onto the tiny couch beside her and buried them both under the weight of the duvet, blankets and pillows.

'I'm not going anywhere Jo,' his hands on her, pulling her closer and closer. 'I'm sorry I ever made you doubt how I feel about you, what touching you means to me. I'm sorry,' he pulled her impossibly closer. 'I love you, I do. For me you're it. You've been it for me for so long. It's ok sweetheart, it's ok,' he kissed her head and then just held her in silence. When Oren cried he left the nest he'd built and fetched the baby. As she cried on he put the baby to her chest, his hand stoking her hair as she allowed the child to feed. Then he changed his diaper and put him back in his crib before returning to the nest with her. At some point she fell asleep but when she awoke she was still in her nest and Pacey was still wrapped around her. She pushed her way out of the covers and squinted at the bright sunshine.

'Hey,' Pacey emerged behind her, and reached out a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. He looked like he wanted to say more but she had more pressing matters,

'I need Oren. My chest, it hurts,' she used an arm to cover up where milk had leaked.

'Don't be embarrassed,' Pacey kissed her head and went to the bedroom to fetch the sleepy baby. 'Go to your mommy,' he whispered kissing the curly hair. She took him and he looked up at her and smiled. She couldn't help but smile back, as she lifted her shirt and put him to her. She focused on her baby. 'I'll make tea,' Pacey said and headed to the kitchen and the apartment filled with normal sounds. The whimpers and noises of the baby, the kettle boiling, cups clinking together. It was as if the world didn't know that she and Pacey had kissed the night before. That somehow the world was normal and not irrevocably altered. She'd meant to kiss him, a simple kiss, but just like when they'd first started dating she couldn't keep away from him and she wanted so much more than a kiss. Apparently so had he.

'Tea,' he put it on a stool beside her. 'May I?' he gestured to the space beside her and she nodded. He was always careful not to assume and she loved him for it. He slipped back under the covers and she leant towards him a little, aware that to lean away from him would be to subject him to the same treatment that she had the morning after their first night together, all that time ago. He pressed a soft kiss to her head. She looked at him, and their eyes seemed to tangle together and then he was kissing her, a deep, ardent kiss. 'I'm sorry,' he said as they broke a part.

'It's ok, I'm not going to cry,' she whispered.

'Are you sure, because last night...' he frowned slightly. 'I kind of took advantage,' he admitted.

'You didn't,' she shook her head, 'I kissed you.'

'You weren't aiming for it to be a kiss like that,' he mused wryly, 'I know that, but at the time I guess I got caught up in the moment.'

'Another hormonal melt down?' she queried with raised brows and he chuckled, clearly surprised at her calm.

'You kissed me back,' he echoed the past as well.

'I could give you the silent treatment again but that seems a little like hard work. I'm not in denial.'

'I shouldn't take liberties with you this morning though, I know that, and I'm sorry.'

'That's true.'

'But there are positives,' he looked at her with piercing eyes.

'There are?'

'Well yeah. Firstly, you got to kiss me and I you and that is always fabulous.'

'Yes,' she nodded.

'Secondly, we kissed and you didn't have a mental breakdown.'

'I think there may have been a little mental breakdown.'

'Maybe,' he brushed his thumb across her cheek and her eyes fluttered shut.

'Thank you for my nest.'

'Thank you for letting me share it,' he whispered his eyes on her lips.

'I need to...go to the bathroom,' she passed him Oren to wind, 'I don't know how long he slept for but I need to shower and get rid of some milk.'

'Are you ok?' he took Oren and put him on his shoulder.

'I don't know Pace,' she breathed deeply for a few moments. 'I'm extremely confused and mixed up, sad and relieved. You remember that kiss, that first one at aunt Gwen's when you said you'd never felt better or worse at the same time?'

'I remember,' he nodded.

'Thats kind of how I feel. I can't tell which way the scales are tipping - worse or better. I'm relieved to have been touched, that somehow we can touch, but at the same time terrified of it happening again. Terrified of just everything. I'm really scared of you touching me and then stopping...stopping because of who I am again.'

'Joey,' he stood up and took her hand, 'I stopped touching you. You're right I did. And I told you it was for a number of reasons.'

'That I make you feel like you're nothing,' they had had this conversation before.

'I wish I had never said that.'

'You said it because it was true.'

'Yeah, at the time it was true,' he squeezed her hand, 'but Jo, everything made me feel like I was nothing. You were the closest person to me and I took it all out on you. You know more than I like about turning on yourself. My problem was I turned on myself and blamed everyone else. I was selfish Jo. I stopped taking pleasure in your success and held your success up as evidence of my failure. Yeah I felt like nothing and I couldn't touch you but it wasn't you it was me.'

'I have to go to the bathroom Pace,' she put an arm across her chest to hide the milk stain, 'But I have heard you.' She kissed his cheek quickly and headed to the bathroom, turning on the shower and beginning to cry. She stripped off her top and bra and stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair was wild, her skin a little sun kissed from the previous day. She looked at her body. Her stomach was back to normal except for the scar across it and a slight looseness to the skin she imagined would have been worse if Oren hadn't been early. She wasn't tidy between her legs, not like she had been before. Her breasts looked normal except for the dark red blotch across the skin of one of them, the one that hurt. Sighing she headed for the shower, the warmth and the freedom to vent out her emotions. She cried for a long time and then attempted to hand express milk from her chest, to relieve some of the pain and pressure. She didn't feel so good but she just had to tidy between her legs. It was like her inability to care for herself there spoke volumes about her inability in life in general. Whilst she was at it she shaved under her arms and her legs, for what must have been the first time in a long time. She dried off and stared in the mirror again. She didn't feel good. She quickly brushed her teeth.

'Pace,' she emerged with a towel wrapped around herself.

'Jo, Dawson is here,' Pacey met her in the hallway, his eyes roving over her bare skin.

'What time is it?' she frowned.

'Ten. You like long showers,' he smiled and she blushed. His hand reached out and ran down her bare arm and he took a step towards her. She took a step back, her back hitting the wall behind her. He breathed deeply and took a step away from her.

'Sorry,' he whispered.

'It's ok,' she smiled softly and it was. She wanted him like she'd always wanted him even if each kiss and touch was a mixture of pleasure and pain. Pacey stepped closer to her again and pressed his lips to hers, just for a second and her hands wrapped around his neck. After a few moments she broke the kiss. 'I need to go to the doctors,' she stated, 'so I need to get dressed. Give me a moment please?'

'Sure,' he nodded. 'Your chest still sore?' he asked and she nodded. Carefully he tugged the edge of the towel down and looked at the redness and the swelling. He brushed his fingers gently across her. 'I'll call the clinic.'

'Thank you.'

* * *

'Hello Dawson,' Joey emerged into the living area a few minutes later dressed in simple clothing, leggings and a t-shirt.

'Pacey said you don't feel well?'

'No I...feel tired and feverish. I'll be fine, I'm sure,' she picked up Oren from his play gym and sat on the rocking chair. Lifting her shirt she unhooked her bra and tempted him to feed but he simply wasn't hungry and kept looking at her and smiling. After a couple of minutes he began to fret and so she did her bra back up and pulled her shirt down. She looked up and noticed Dawson shifting uncomfortably on the couch. 'Sorry... I think I have a problem with a blocked duct or something.'

'Appointment at 11.30,' Pacey stated hanging up.

'Thanks.

'I'm really sorry I can't come with you. I'm meant to be at the Icehouse preparing for the soft opening tomorrow, but if you want, I can try and make it there.'

'I'm fine,' she reassured him, 'you're needed at the Icehouse. It's just a blocked duct or something.'

'Ok. Well call me if you change your mind. I have to go,' he took her hand and squeezed it. She was fully aware of Dawson but hyper aware of Pacey, as his eyes flicked between her lips and her cheek, obviously uncertain. She stood on tip toes and placed a quick kiss to his lips.

'Thank you for looking after me.'

'Anytime,' he grinned at her. Dropping a kiss on Oren's head he looked at Dawson,

'A quick word man?' he asked and Joey watched her two best friends move to the door and talk in hushed voices. Dawson came back a few minutes later,

'So tell me about LA? Tell me about this project you're working on?' she asked as she peeled an orange. As Dawson spoke and Oren kicked about on the mat she focused on removing the peel. Then she went about methodically moving all the white pulp. Finally she split it into segments. She responded to Dawson, showed an interest but the orange helped her keep control of herself.

'You sound like you're enjoying LA?' she smiled.

'I am. And I'm not.'

'What do you mean?'

'LA is a long way from home,' he smiled a little ruefully. 'I think maybe I'd be happier in Boston, or just somewhere nearer.'

'Could you do the course in Boston?' she asked pointedly.

'No, not really,' he chuckled. 'Shouldn't we start to walk to the clinic?'

'Actually I don't really think I can. I think maybe I should text Doug and see if he can run us there,' she felt really rather awful.

'Ok,' he looked at her in concern as she grabbed her cell and text Doug. A moment later he text back saying he'd be there.

'Doug is pretty good to you,' he said and she nodded.

'All the Witter's are. I find it hard with John and Mary at times, knowing how they've treated Pace, the things they've done to him.'

'I know Pacey's parents aren't the best but...'

'They've both called him a loser to his face when I've been there. They've changed a lot I think, since helping me, since seeing Pacey not turn his back on me. But it's hard sometimes to reconcile how they treat me with how I know they've treated Pace.'

'You're very defensive of Pacey.'

'Why wouldn't I be?' She gave him a look. It was an odd question really. Did Dawson still doubt that she loved Pacey? Did he still think it was just an experiment?

'I don't know. But at Christmas you couldn't bare for him to touch you.'

'A lot has happened since Christmas,' she acknowledged and he nodded,

'True,' he looked at Oren and smiled.

'With Pacey and I it's complicated,' she said and then laughed. 'I used to say that about you and I and now we're so simple.'

'Are we?' he gave her a look.

'I think so.'

'Pacey asked me not to say anything, he was worried it would upset you, but that kiss? Are you two back together and I have to ask Joey, if you are, is that wise?'

'I think I'd rather talk about you and go see the doctor,' Joey stood and moved to the window looking for Doug. He wasn't there but she grabbed Oren's bag and shoved her baby carrier into it and then picked up Oren and put his coat onto him.

'I'm sorry, I spoke out of place.'

'You did Dawson, entirely,' she snapped and then sighed. It was this, this anger she was trying to get rid of. 'I understand your concern but believe me, no one is more concerned about things between Pacey and I than Pacey and I, so your concern is noted but not necessary.'

'I see,' Dawson nodded but he didn't sound very sincere. He picked up the back pack as she headed for the door with Oren. She turned back to look at him,

'I don't think you do. Not entirely. I'm sick Dawson. Depression is an illness and it ebbs and flows into peaks and troughs. Generally I am doing better, but everything effects it.'

'I just thought...'

'I'm sorry I'm not the Joey you grew up with. I'm sorry I can't be that person at the moment. I care about you Dawson, a lot, but I can't always analyze everything anymore. Sometimes the conclusions are too hard for me to cope with.'

'I'm sorry,' he said and this time he sounded sincere.

'Me too,' she smiled at him weakly and headed down the stairs.

* * *

Pacey was looking at her like she was speaking another language.

'You have what?'

'Mastitis - it's an infection in the milk ducts. I must have had a blockage and when Oren didn't feed I guess the blockage wasn't cleared.'

'So what are we doing about it?' he asked.

'Antibiotics and being generally grumpy.'

'That's your plan?' he shot her a sideways look his eyes bluer than blue.

'That's my plan.'

'Sounds good to me.'

'Well maybe you can let Dawson know. He wants me to help with his film.'

'Do you want to help with his film?'

'In theory maybe. Feeling like this no. And if I have the energy to help anyone, surely that should be you?' she looked at him and his expression softened. He'd arrived at the apartment after work and she'd been lying on the floor feeling sorry for herself. Oren was beside her and she was there under the pretence of playing with him but after Dawson had left around one, she'd been alone and feeling horrid. Oren had been fractious and windy, apparently a side affect of the antibiotics passing through her milk to him. She'd paced the floor with him in her arms until she could pace no more.

Pacey had walked in around seven and immediately rescued her. He so good at doing that, it made her feel, well, a little depressed. He'd sat her on the couch and put Oren in his bouncy chair. After getting her settled he'd brought her her duvet, snuggled her under it, set up her laptop and somehow rummaged around in his bag until he found a DVD of The English Patient, sheepishly admitting he'd got it when Oren was born lest he be in anyway like his cousin. After he'd made her tea and heated up some soup he had bathed Oren and then given her the baby to feed. Once done he was in bed at what was rapidly becoming his bed time, 8pm. No where in any of it had Pacey kissed her or touched her in any way other than to help her. It was impossible for her not to notice that.

'You want to help me?' he asked and she nodded.

'Family business, isn't that what you said?'

'That mean you're willing to do a little waitressing sometimes?' he gave her a cheeky grin to which she rolled her eyes.

'We'll see,' she muttered.

'Not a no, wow.'

'Seriously Pace, when I feel better, can I do anything to help?'

'The only thing that would help, well would help me, is if you'd consider coming to the grand opening? I know the evening bit is late but Oren sleeps anywhere and through anything. If we took the stroller we could put him to bed in there, I don't think the music would bother him, not with how much you play music here.'

'I don't know,' she looked down. 'I wish I could just say yes, but I don't know.'

'That's ok, just think about it,' he reassured and for a few minutes they were silent, their eyes on the screen. Pacey put his hand next to hers and after a few minutes his hand brushed hers, a small, possibly accidental touch. Then his little finger tangled with hers. Cautiously she moved her hand until all their fingers were threaded together. He smiled. In fact he had the biggest grin on his face. She reached out with her other hand and paused the movie.

'I haven't watched a movie in over a year. No tv nothing,' she told him.

'Really?' his voice squeaked adorably.

'Nope. I'm actually very uncultured these days.'

'I wouldn't say that.'

'Maybe I should try those Twilight books,' she said thoughtfully.

'Definitely,' he smirked, 'I mean they're no Shakespeare or Austen but they serve a purpose.'

'They do?'

'Yeah, they entertain.'

'Well a bit of entertaining sounds good.'

'I'll bring you some Kurt Vonnegut as well.'

'Kurt Vonnegut?' she raised her brows.

'My new favourite author.

'Let's see how I get on first.'

'Sure,' he smiled easily and his thumb stroked the skin of her hand.

'Thanks,' she hesitated for a few moments, 'Pacey?'

'Yeah?'

'Do you think I'm a very weak person? I mean this deep depression and my continued inabilities?'

'Weak?' he clarified and then shook his head, 'no, I don't think you're weak. I don't think I've met anyone stronger than you. Depression isn't a choice or a weakness, not in any way. And you, you're strong. You know what it is and you aren't afraid to claim it, and you aren't afraid to take the help to deal with it. You're pretty much the strongest person I know.'

Joey looked at him without knowing what to say. Instead of saying anything she moved the duvet aside slightly and lay her head down on his lap, loving the feeling of his hands running through her hair. For a long time they sat like that in silence.

'I need to go to bed,' she said at length. 'Would you stay here tonight?'

'Really?' he looked at her.

'With me, in my bed, but...well innocently.'

'Yeah, I'll stay,' he smiled at her and she smiled back. She wasn't sure why she'd asked him to stay, only that his solid presence in some way seemed to be holding her together.

Tiredly she got up from the couch and went through the bathroom, going into her room where the bed was now made and putting on her pyjamas. She slipped under the covers after checking Oren and lay there, listening to the sounds of water running in the bathroom, the toilet flushing.

'Are you ok if I just wear my boxers and a t-shirt?' he whispered from beside the bed.

'We've slept together in less,' she rolled over to look at him and then rolled back again as she felt him lift the covers and slide in beside her. Cautiously he pulled her back against him, his arms encircling her and she could feel it, that pulse of "alive" she'd described to him at Aunt Gwen's. Though the situation might be innocent this time, it didn't feel all that innocent in a double bed with his desire pressed against her and his large hand under the hem of her tank top.

'I've missed being close to you so much,' he whispered the words but she didn't respond, just put a hand across the top of his and closed her eyes.

**Please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

Oren began to cry at five in the morning, his longest sleep yet and Joey untangled herself from Pacey's arms before lifting him from his crib and pulling him into bed. Propping up her pillows she sat and fed the baby. She looked over at Pacey who was apparently still asleep. His lashes fanned out on his cheekbones. It had been such a long time since they'd been so close to one another and it felt comforting and scary all in one go. It was almost too much, too overwhelming, too many different thoughts and feelings to deal with in one go and yet she was glad he was there. She felt safer somehow, that her soul was safer with him there, even though he was the one who could do most damage to her. As if he could sense her tears in his sleep he moved closer to her, and his arm snaked across her. Oren was apparently finished so she winded him and placed him back in his crib. He didn't fall back to sleep. He kicked and gurgled and was ridiculously awake. Joey chose to ignore this fact, nighttime was nighttime and she snuggled down under the covers and into Pacey.

* * *

'How you feeling?' a gentle kiss on her neck.

'Hmmm,' she pressed her body back against his. This, this could have been a year and a half ago, or even back on the boat, this delicious sensation of waking up in Pacey's arms.

'Your gorgeous chest any better?' he asked.

'Pacey,' she protested a blush staining her cheeks.

'It would be rude if I didn't ask,' he said in a teasing voice.

'Yeah I think so,' she shrugged.

'Maybe I should take a look?' he tugged at her until she was lying on her back and nudged at her tank top with his hands, his eyes locked with hers waiting for her to stop him. But she didn't stop him, just lay still as he exposed first her stomach and then her chest. 'Not so red,' he whispered and he moved half over her. He ducked his head and pressed warm kisses to her chest. She let out a little sigh and he groaned softly, trailing kisses down her body until his head was resting on her stomach. Her hands threaded through his hair, massaging his scalp. Intermittently he pressed warm kisses against her skin.

'This is just...crazy,' she whispered.

'You're not crying, isn't that an improvement on crazy?' he turned his head and looked up at her.

'Fine line Pace,' she gave him a look and then reluctantly smiled at the look on his face. He smiled back and kissed her stomach again.

'What exactly do you think is crazy?' he asked in a low voice.

'Touching you, being touched by you, kissing. It's everything my body wants and everything my mind doesn't know how to deal with.'

'I don't understand, are you saying it's just physical?' he raised wounded eyes.

'No...no of course not,' she remedied immediately. 'I didn't stop wanting you Pace remember that. I knew things weren't right but I didn't stop loving you, I didn't stop wanting you and I didn't stop needing you. My mind is terrified because in me I have the ability to stop all those feelings in you. You say you love me, but I have doubt.'

'You doubt I love you?' he actually sounded offended.

'No. I doubt the reasons why. I can't see why anyone loves me. I don't love myself anymore Pace. I love you, I love Oren, I love my family, I even love your family, but I don't even like myself and that makes me doubt everything.'

'Joey...' he protested but she shook her head.

'My editor, Bill, he sent me a cheque. He's decided to hold back the feature but he sent me three thousand dollars - a ridiculous amount quite honestly. I've decided to see a therapist. I thought maybe an outside person could help me. Jen gave me the name of someone.'

'Really?' Pacey looked up at her with wide eyes.

'I just...I just really want to be better. I want to enjoy life again. I want to be fun, I want to be a person who can see why you might love them. I'd like to find my redeeming qualities.'

'I think that's a really brave decision,' Pacey told her honestly, 'I do. You have many redeeming qualities and I think it would be wonderful for you to be able to see them.'

'I'd also like to deal with the things I don't like, you know work on them?'

'Haven't you been? I mean, it seems to me that you do nothing but work on being the person you want to be?'

'I suppose. I'm trying to listen more, and you know actively participate in conversations with people other than you and Dawson.'

'And you succeed. You know Dougy told me that the first person he goes to for advice now is you.'

'Really?' she smiled.

'Really. And Gretchen, she's always singing your praises and calling me a doofus for messing it all up.'

'You're not a doofus,' she ruffled his hair and then laughed, 'well you are, but not for that reason.'

'Hey,' he feigned insult. 'It's Kerry really though,' he began, 'she's the one that's changed most through her friendship with you. No one ever really appreciated Kerry. Anna was out of the house so fast and Doug and Gretchen, they sort of stuck together, and me, I was so much younger. I think she's spent her whole life feeling like people didn't really notice her, but you do. You made her feel special and you actually made the family notice how special she is.'

'Don't make me cry,' Joey swiped at a tear.

'Well I won't say what you've done for me then, and that includes inducing a lot of soul searching and self reflection that has resulted in me liking myself a lot more. I'm happy with who I am. I'm nineteen and I couldn't be happier with my life and how I'm managing it, and I think a lot of that is down to my relationship with you and by relationship I mean it all, our friendship, falling in love and even prom and all that's come after.'

'Pacey,' she grumbled swiping at even more tears.

'Can I never stop touching you? Can you come to the Icehouse and follow me around, always touching me?' he asked in a playful voice and she hiccuped away her tears as she laughed.

'Doug would be thrilled at how practically you were approaching the job.'

'So that's a no?' he pouted.

'Thats a no,' she rolled her eyes. 'I would like that though,' she admitted shyly.

'Being near me?' he gave her a huge grin.

'Yes,' she blushed yet again. 'Before I had to be far from you in order to breathe, to stay calm and in control and even then it was touch and go. Now, it's like if I'm not near you life doesn't feel right. In all honesty I just don't get it.'

'Maybe you're getting better? I mean people do recover from depression.'

'Maybe,' she agreed. 'I may be getting better Pace, but I'm not there yet.'

'What does that mean exactly?' he pressed another kiss to her stomach.

'Well I suppose it means I can't be your girlfriend. I'm in no position to offer you the support, the love, the encouragement and the counsel that you deserve. I wish I was, I really do, but I'm just not.'

'How about I be your boyfriend and you be my friend and well, a little more?' he gave her a cocky little grin and she laughed.

'I think you'd quite like that,' she smirked.

'Actually I'd prefer you to be my girlfriend,' he told her, 'but I understand and I actually admire the fact that you are thinking it through and doing what's best for all of us.'

'So where does that leave us? I mean is this going to keep happening, the increasing...intimacy? Does it happen between you and other girls?' she kept her hands on him to soften the accusation in her questions.

'Well, nothing happens between me and other girls. I'm not interested in other girls. Since I came back to Capeside I've only been interested in you. Finding you in the situation you were in, and I'm actually not referring to the fact that you were pregnant, but finding you suffering the way you were, that emphasized to me how very much I loved you.'

'You always did have a thing for girls you could save,' she said and then regretted it.

'Sure I did Dawson,' he scowled.

'I'm sorry, I was being glib. It's a way to cover up the embarrassment I sometimes feel about what I mess I've been.'

'Ahh Jo, don't ever feel embarrassed, there's no shame in how you've been, or at least there shouldn't be.'

'So where does that leave us?' she ran a hand through his hair and then down onto his shoulders, dipping her fingers under the collar of his t-shirt.

'If you want to do this,' he gestured between them indicating their general proximity, 'I want to do this. If this is too much, you must just say. I suggest we be honest and we be friends.'

'Back to friends and a little more?' she quirked an eyebrow at him and he chuckled.

'I guess yeah. I mean I love you. I have always, always loved you and I just want you to be happy.'

'I just want to be happy too,' she said honestly, 'but not at the expense of your happiness. It's really important you be honest too. If I neglect you in any way, or make you feel worthless, whether it's me or the depression you must say, you must talk to me about it.'

'I will, I promise,' he nodded.

'Good. That's the only way we can be friends. I have to know. If I make you feel anything like how I did before, you have to tell me. You have to talk about it. We have Oren and so we can't mess up being friends.'

'Like I said, I promise.'

'Thank you.'

'Now, do you want to keep this... You know the new intimacy bit to ourselves? Is it a secret? I mean you kissed me on the lips in front of Dawson.'

'Hmm, I did,' she nodded.

'So?'

'You know what Pace?'

'Clearly clueless,' he smiled.

'I think a lot of the problems that occurred between you and I were due to other peoples opinion about our relationship, about their involvement in it. Not totally, I know that only too well, but in part. I mean everyone had an opinion. Everyone wanted to know everything, thought everything was their business. I suggest we ignore it all this time. If we're happy and we're not hurting anyone, really it's no ones business.'

'Aren't we always hurting Dawson?'

'Actually no I don't think so. Dawson needs to accept that what's between you and I is in a different league to he and I. I think I need to tell him that I choose you. And if you and I aren't meant to be, I still wouldn't choose him. That should take care of that.'

'Wow,' Pacey was grinning and he shuffled up the bed to lie beside her.

'Wow?'

'I think that's the first time in my life I've felt the weight of Dawson and his perfection lift from my shoulders.'

'You're pretty perfect yourself Pacey,' she admitted shyly. Pacey looked as though he was about to jump her but the baby let out the most pitiful cry and they both turned to look at him.

'Oh baby,' she moved away from him and scooped up the infant. 'It's ok, we're here,' she snuggled back against Pacey who had sat up, and Oren began to nurse. 'One more thing Pace.'

'Yeah?'

'You never have to stay over. You never have to come over. Be here when you can and you want to be. If you ever want to go out, don't ask permission because I will always say yes.'

'Ditto,' he put a hand on Oren's head.

* * *

'Thank you for walking me to work,' Pacey grinned at her as they walked along. Her hand swinging by her side bumped against his, and he caught hold of it, threading their fingers together. She smiled back and patted the baby strapped to her chest on the behind, and jiggled him slightly. 'Not asleep yet?'

'I think he slept too much last night.'

'You realize what a ridiculous thing that is for a parent to say?'

'A little. I guess if he sleeps more at night he'll sleep less in the day.'

'And that can only be good,' he squeezed her hand and dropped a kiss on her head.

'Yeah,' she agreed looking up at him and feeling that familiar tug towards him.

'You're giving me the look,' he told her with a smirk.

'Am I?' she asked innocently.

'Hmmm,' he acknowledged as his head bent to hers and he gave her a soft kiss, a kiss she broke as his brother's cruiser pulled up beside them.

'Hey guys,' Doug looked between them and his suspicion was brazen. 'What's going on here?' he looked at his brother Joey noted with relief. She hadn't really considered Doug and the other Witter's that morning. She began to feel a little light headed, her heart racing and her stomach clenching.

'Ok, panic attack,' she stated and both brothers turned to her. Pacey caught one elbow and Doug the other, leading her over to a bench.

'Just breathe sweetheart,' Pacey rubbed her back.

'You're calling her sweetheart?' Doug arched his brows, accusation in his voice.

'Dougy, I think your little inquisition there brought on this panic attack so maybe just cool it for a minute,' Pacey glared at his brother who had the good grace to look repentant.

'I'm sorry Pace. I didn't think about your family. This is their business, after all they've done for me it is.'

'Joey,' Doug body checked Pacey out the way and knelt before her, 'if something is going on between you and my idiot little brother it would only ever please me and my family. All anyone wants is you happy, and if it's him that helps make you happy, that's a great thing. You can tell me what's going on and I can disseminate the info, ward off any other inquiries.'

'We're friends and we're a little more...' Joey rasped and then put a hand to her mouth, 'I mean we're so much more, but for now...'

'Friends and a little more...' Doug actually laughed.

'I just need to be close to him,' she tried to explain, 'I won't hurt him, not again. I would never...ever...I won't do what I did before.'

'Joey,' Doug took her hand, 'you didn't do anything before. No one is against you and Pacey being together, in fact we all want that. Situations like what happened aren't the fault of one person.'

'The whole picture Jo, remember?' Pacey attempted.

'The whole picture,' she nodded. 'We're not together...not like we were...'

'Well I consider myself her boyfriend but we're letting her off the role of girlfriend for the time being,' Pacey explained easily and Joey gave him a look she was pretty sure was full of love.

'Ok, forget I ever said anything and get on with walking to work because that's my money on the line,' he whacked Pacey around the head, and after a moments hesitation kissed Joey's cheek. 'See ya.'

'Thanks Doug,' Joey stood and caught him in an awkward hug, the baby slightly in the way.

* * *

'You ok?' they were walking again, their hands somehow entwined again.

'Yeah, freaked out a little there. Doug, he's done a lot for me. I worried he would think I was stupid or fickle. I worried that I am stupid and fickle.'

'For trusting me with your heart again?'

'For getting you to trust me with yours. For allowing you access to my insanity.'

'You're not insane Joey, you're depressed.'

'Sometimes it feels like a fine line.'

'Well you know what? I love you regardless of any of it. Batty as a cave, nutty as a tin of peanuts, fruity as a slice of Christmas cake. I still love you.'

'You say the sweetest things,' she battered her lashes at him and he laughed.

'So I'm going to be crazy busy this week.'

'You are.'

'We really picked the wrong week to start getting closer,' he grumbled as they approached the Icehouse. 'I mean how am I supposed to think about work, when all I can think about is you?'

'Think about why you're doing this, well why in part,' she looked pointedly at the baby.

'Aaaah, cuteness himself.'

'Yeah, cuteness himself.'

'Will do,' he kissed the baby and then after a moments hesitation he kissed her, a long, languid kiss, his hands tracking trails over her body. 'I will be over as soon as I can this evening, but check your cell. If it's after ten I'll let you sleep.'

'Ok. Can I do anything?'

'Call through for lunch with Kerry after your swim?'

'Ok,' she smiled.

'I want to check out a recipe on you.'

'We'll be in about 1.'

* * *

'So Joey,' Kerry began as they were seated at the Icehouse by a very nice young hostess. Joey almost laughed at how she could think of a hostess who was probably older than she was as young, but having a baby had aged her. Oren was on Joey's lap asleep. They'd collected him from Mary after their swim.

'Yes?'

'Doug said you and Pacey are...' she trailed off.

'What did he say?' Joey frowned.

'That you're getting closer,' Kerry blushed.

'It's been hard to avoid,' Joey shrugged slightly.

'Well I hope it is just a little more,' Kerry was edging towards something and Joey was willing to be patient to find out what that was. They'd spent their swim discussing Kerry and whether she should take that final step towards divorce. Apparently lunch was to be devoted to Joey and Pacey.

'You know, if you and Pacey got back together, you wouldn't find anyone happier about that than me?'

'Well maybe me,' Joey admitted.

'Ok,' Kerry looked relieved, 'so it is more than sex? I mean I know you're friends but surely you aren't just...'

'Kerry, we're not having sex at all.'

'I just assumed,' Kerry went bright red, 'I mean I've seen how you look at each other, and obviously you were and you know once we have sex, it's hard not to have sex.'

'Part of me really wants to have sex with him, you know? Pacey is um...well he makes you feel good,' she too was bright red. 'But at the moment? I'm in no position to take on the role of girlfriend. I don't think it would be wise to have sex.'

'I don't normally like to comment on other peoples lives, I really don't...'

'I know.'

'Well aren't you worried that this, even without sex, well aren't you worried that this is a road to more heartbreak and potentially more...well more feelings of depression?' Kerry blushed and Joey thought about her question.

'Firstly we're parents to Oren, secondly we're friends, thirdly we're honest and fourthly we're other stuff. I think if we're honest and we remember our priorities we'll be ok.'

'But are you in any shape to remember them?' she asked and just as tears were about to fall from Joey's eyes at this sudden, unwelcome view point Pacey was there,

'That's enough Kerry,' he glared at his sister and sunk into a chair next to Joey, kissing first her and then Oren. 'Joey and I decided this isn't anyone's business.'

'I'm sorry Pace, but that just isn't true,' Kerry interjected.

'Just because you've provided support doesn't mean you get to make her decisions,' Pacey growled.

'I'm not trying to make anyone's decisions, I'm just trying to voice what others might be thinking.'

'Which is?' Pacey looked furious but Joey just felt like crawling under the table and hiding.

'Joey needs time. You both need time.'

'Look, we don't all just decide to fall in love, or to not fall out of love. Maybe time would be a good idea, but we're trying to do that, trying to keep some distance.'

'I just think even if you allowed a little romance but kept the sex out of it...'

'There's no sex in it,' Pacey seethed.

'Well you might stand a better chance in the long run. You guys are so young and you have so much going on. Your chances aren't good. Most people don't meet the love of their life in the sandbox. A lot of people don't meet the love of their life full stop. Maybe whilst you have a degree of separation you aught to take advantage of that and then if you come back together you can be sure.'

'I am sure,' Pacey stated firmly. 'I've known it was Joey my whole life.'

'You mean all nineteen years of it?' Kerry stared at him, defiant.

'Just because it's rare doesn't mean you can't meet the right person in the sandbox. Joey and I could walk off in opposite directions right now and I have no doubt that I'd never get over her, not really.'

'I actually think she makes a valid point,' Joey interjected and Pacey turned wounded eyes on her.

'Don't say that, please don't say that,' he begged, 'see what you've done?' he glared at his sister.

'Not about everything,' she took his hand. 'You know when we were on your boat, I used to think you'd misnamed her.'

'You did?' Pacey still looked on edge.

'Yeah. I'd pretend you'd named her for us, but I used to think she should have been called Real Love, not true love.'

'Aren't they essentially the same thing?' Pacey frowned.

'Maybe but not to me. True love was a high notion I didn't think was ever quite attainable, but real love, well it was real. Something that was at times hedonistic and at others terrifying. Sometimes my feelings for you scared me so much I wanted to run, and yeah sometimes I wanted to run back to Dawson where my feelings were nice and safe. So I love you. I think that I'll always love you. But I think we should take things between us really slow. I think we shouldn't have sex and I don't think we should date. I think if you want to see another girl then you should. But I don't think the romance needs to be dead, I don't think we have to stop...wooing each other.'

'Did you just say wooing?' he frowned and she nodded.

'Yeah. Work on being best friends, on making each other feel special. Take out the complicated and enjoy the simple.'

'No sex?' he asked.

'No.'

'And no dates?'

'No, just hanging out as friends.'

'Can I kiss you?'

'Of course,' she nodded. She couldn't deny herself that.

'Well then, ok. We said we'd be honest Joey and if you think this is for the best, well then I'll do it. Hopefully not forever?'

'No, I don't think we'll need to do it forever.'

'And when does it change?'

'Whenever it feels right. When I manage two weeks without crying? When you realize you haven't wanted another girl in months. We'll know.'

'I haven't wanted another girl in months.'

'But you did. There was a time after me and before this...well when you wanted others. We can't mess each other around you know. It has to be simple be a use we both need time to be sure.'

'Ok,' he squeezed her hand.

**So some feedback for this chapter would be really helpful as I have nothing more written. Are people still enjoying this? Is there a way you'd like it to end? It feels like there's only a chapter or two to go and maybe an epilogue. Please help and review or PM me! Please review! **


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry this is a little long. To me it didn't have a logical break in it. Please review - the good, the bad, I welcome all feedback. I have appreciated all the reviews so far - it is motivation to keep writing!**

**Chapter Twelve**

Joey slipped into Doug's cruiser and turned to look at him.

'How did it go?' he asked.

'Good...I mean actually it was really..._therapeutic_,' she looked at him with a sheepish smile.

'So where am I taking you?'

'The Icehouse if that's ok. I take it everyone is still down there prepping for tomorrow?'

'Everyone except Gretchen who took Oren for a walk.'

'She'll be back as soon as he's hungry,' Joey shrugged. 'Ethan getting stuck in?' she arched her brows and to her surprise Doug flushed.

'You could say that,' Doug looked at her somewhat coyly and she gaped,

'Doug...' she looked at him with wide eyes, a smile creeping onto her face.

'So maybe our relationship has..._progressed_,' Doug admitted.

'Thats amazing Doug, a huge step. I hope it was all you hoped it would be.'

'It was awkward, a little embarrassing and utterly wonderful.'

'Sounds kinda like my first time.'

'Yeah?' Doug smiled at her.

'Yeah. I'm so happy for you Doug, that things are going so well. Ethan is a nice guy.'

'He's a really nice guy,' Doug concurred.

'Hot too,' Joey smirked.

'Extremely so,' Doug gave her a devilish look.

'Are you in love?' she gasped and loved the way Doug immediately began to fluster.

'I don't know about love, I mean...love is a big word, and I'm still getting to grips with admitting who I am and well...'

'Yes?' she chuckled.

'Oh shut up,' he griped.

'Dougy?'

'I like him a lot. We haven't said the words, but if he were to say them, I imagine I'd say them back.'

'He'll say them. It won't be long. I mean look at how he looks at you,' she shook her head and stared at the road ahead.

'How does he look at me?' Doug asked in a quiet voice.

'Like you're the only one in a room.'

'So speaking of love, how are things between you and Pacey?' Doug was pretty red in the cheeks so Joey allowed the topic change willingly.

'They're good. Really good. We're laying off the deep and meaningfuls - well the ones about us as a couple, and just enjoying being friends.'

'Still a little bit more?'

'He's hard to resist,' Joey blushed.

'I think he'd say the same about you,' Doug mused.

'It's suddenly very simple, well now we're not fighting it and just allowing it to be what it is. A while ago I was telling Dawson how complicated things were between Pacey and I, but now, I don't know, it's like things have calmed down and fallen into place. You know back in junior year, how we began spending more time together?'

'Yeah...Pace mentioned something about Dawson asking him to look out for you,' Doug nodded.

'Yeah, I was just thrilled when I found that out,' Joey rolled her eyes.

'You were saying?'

'Well the the more we hung out, the nicer it was to hang out. Pacey is...well he's fun. He's glib and blunt and easy going. He was refreshing after all the angst of Dawson. Looking back now, it's so obvious that he was...wooing me.'

'Like that word huh?' Doug gave her a look.

'I'm not sure there's another word for it. He wasn't just looking out for me, he was standing up for me, looking after me, doing things that were way above and beyond normal acts of friendship. He was utterly lovely.'

'So how's that relate to now?'

'It's funny. When he was wooing me things were very simple between us. The situation wasn't, but how we were together, well it was good. Then we were together, we broke up horrifically, I mean things just fell apart with the pressures of Capeside, with how complicated everything felt, especially the intrusion of others into our relationship. It's funny, but now the situation is complicated - we're parents, and we're still kids, and I'm depressed, and yet it all feels very simple again between Pacey and I. Pace is the guy I fell in love with. I'm not sure what I am, but it seems to be making Pacey happy.'

'Did you just admit you're making someone happy?' Doug's mouth dropped open and he looked at her in amusement.

'This week I will admit that I have successfully been making Pacey happy,' she smirked.

'And my bank account thanks you. The happier he is, the better he runs the business and the harder he works.'

'Well I will endeavour to keep making him happy.'

'You seem different,' Doug appraised her.

'I haven't cried since Tuesday. That's three whole days if I make it through today.'

'And that's a record?' he grinned.

'That's a record. When we kissed on Pacey's birthday, I cried so hard. It was completely overwhelming. But after the next few days, after the conversation with Kerry, well...I don't know...I just began to feel more grounded. I mean I still feel fragile but I feel... I guess I feel better.'

'I read up about depression and _they_, you know the _they_ that says everything, well _they_ say an episode of depression typically lasts a year. Obviously there's reoccurances and some people suffer chronically, but an episode with no history, that's what _they_ think.'

'Well I'm not going to assume anything. Not for a long time. I will take my medication, I'll make myself eat and I'll keep reminding myself of the things I'd like to improve in my life and my personality.'

'So with this new...grounded feeling, are you planning to make Pacey's day and come to the grand opening tomorrow?'

'Lets see how I cope with seeing everyone at the Icehouse preparing for the grand opening,' she smiled, 'if I don't cry tonight I'll try and be there tomorrow.'

'Sounds fair.'

'I mean I'll try and be there regardless.'

'It's going to be busy. I know all the family will be there, Dawson, Jen and Jack as well. Ethan, and your family. I don't know what Leery's is doing but they're all planning on being there as well.'

'Everybody always did love Pacey,' she mused.

'Huh?'

'It doesn't surprise me that everyone is going to be there for him. He was always everyone's favourite. Well except for your parents.'

'True,' Doug nodded. 'I've never really been sure why my parents treated Pacey the way they did. It was hard for the rest of us to recognize it for what it was because it was different to how we'd been treated at that age. I guess dad drunk more and mom...she'd given up a bit. It's funny but since you...since all that's happened they've been trying a little harder. They like you.'

'I like them. I hate what they did to Pacey, how much they made him hate himself, but I can recognize they're changing too, so can Pacey. I just hope it's not too little too late for his relationship with them.'

'Well dad's there now, putting candles on tables, cleaning the toilets, and mom is chopping veggies in the kitchen.'

'Good,' she stated and looked out the window as they pulled up into a spot near the Icehouse. 'It's such a lovely day. I'm so glad the forecast for the weekend is good.'

'Me too,' Doug grinned.

'I'll bet, it's your money after all.'

'I trust Pacey,' Doug stated firmly.

'Even with his love of sailing away when the going gets tough?' Joey couldn't help the question, though it wasn't bitter. 'I mean it worries me,' she admitted.

'It shouldn't. Pacey has all the motivation he needs with you and Oren. He's not going anywhere, well unless it's with the two of you!'

'I hope you're right.'

'You love him a lot huh?'

'At times it feels like I love him more than is physically tolerable,' she sighed.

'Well let's go express that love via cleaning and prepping,' Doug sighed as well and she smiled.

'Sure.'

* * *

The Icehouse was closed in order to prep for the grand opening. It was filled with people scrubbing, organizing and cleaning. Jen was behind the bar polishing glasses, Jack was scrubbing the skirting boards and the sides of the bar. As Doug had said Mary was in the kitchen chopping vegetables as per Pacey's very explicit instructions. Kerry was stocking up drinks with the help of her three children. Dawson was, of course, documenting it all on his camera. Pacey was stood by the guys constructing the stage, ensuring that it didn't intrude too much into the restaurant and that there was room to dance. Joey saw John out on the deck ensuring that there were as many tables as possible without interrupting the movement of the waitstaff.

Joey was impressed as she watched Pacey. He'd put a lot of thought into the set up of the place, where the tables would go, where the band would go, the organization of the bar and how the food would get effectively from the kitchen to the tables.

'Joey,' he grinned broadly when he spotted her and grabbed her into a hug. 'You're here.'

'Of course and very happy to help. I take it Oren and Gretchen are still off walking?'

'Yeah. She text me a picture of them at the park. Considering he can't even sit up they seem to be having fun. I gave her a bottle of expressed milk. I doubt he'll drink it, but your expresser is in my office if he does and you need it.'

'Thank you,' she blushed at his thoughtfulness and he pressed a spontaneous kiss to her lips. 'So how can I help?' she asked as he kept smiling at her. Apparently her presence was all he wanted.

'Well I won't get you to give a customer service session to the wait staff,' he smirked and she whacked his arm. 'But if it's ok, could you do the sign for me? This is what I want on the board out front... It's just a glorified chalk drawing.'

'Sure, of course,' she smiled broadly. 'I'd love too,' it was a job she could do and she was pleased.

* * *

Gretchen returned after half an hour and Joey fed the baby. She was sat in one of the comfortable deck chairs, the umbrella shielding her from the direct sun. Pacey had brought her a glass of water but was too busy to sit. Everyone was busy but the atmosphere was positive. Pacey wasn't letting the stress get to him but seemed to be excited by the prospect of the opening. Jen and Jack had headed off to hand out fliers and put up posters. Dawson slipped into a seat at the table and Joey smiled at him before looking back at Pacey who was laughing with Doug as they tried to hang some lanterns.

'The place looks great,' Dawson said and she nodded.

'It looks amazing. He's done an amazing job. He is amazing.'

'You guys seem even closer,' Dawson said and she could feel him staring at her. 'I know a lot has happened...I know things are tough for you... But you know how I feel about you, right? I worry sometimes that if I say nothing, well time will pass and it will be too late, so I feel the need to say it.'

'Dawson, I have been meaning to talk to you,' Joey turned to look at him. 'You know about stuff.'

'Oh,' he looked down. 'I suspect that I'm not going to like hearing what you have to say. I know it's not right to bring this up, or even appropriate, not the night before this place opens, not when you're holding your baby with Pacey, not when things are clearly unresolved between you and Pacey. It's just that for my whole life it's been you and I feel I owe it to us to at least express the fact that feelings are there.'

'You asked me to choose once and I couldn't. If I had to I could choose now.'

'And you'd choose him?' Dawson looked up, his eyes sad.

'With or without the baby, yes I'd choose him. I love you Dawson, I do, but as a friend.'

'So there's no hope?' Dawson was contemplative but not angry.

'No. If things don't work out with Pace, well I won't be running back to you. I'm done with that. I would love to have you in my life but I want to be clear that it's as friends. Only ever as friends,' Joey said the words and actually felt proud of herself. She was finally acting honestly and not selfishly. She was letting Dawson go and that was a huge step for her, she knew. It had always been hard for her to let go of the possibility, of the safety that Dawson offered.

'I'll take friends,' Dawson gave her a soft smile. 'I'll try to be happy with friends.'

'Good,' she smiled at him but her attention was caught by Pacey making his way to their table. He looked good when he was in his element.

'Phew, but I'm glad there's only one grand opening,' Pacey dropped into the seat next to Joey and reached for Oren, sitting him on his lap and rubbing his back. He pressed a kiss to the baby's cheek.

'You're doing a great job,' Joey reassured, her eyes subconsciously flicking over his face, then his body, and then resting on his eyes.

'I hope I sleep tonight. I feel like I'll sleep like a brick, but maybe nerves will keep me up?'

'I hope you sleep. Tomorrow will be more fun if you do,' Joey said.

'So what are you guys chatting about?' Pacey looked between them as if reading the conversation that had occurred.

'We were talking about how Joey and I are friends and will only ever be friends. She told me she chooses you - as if it weren't obvious!' Dawson looked between them and laughed wryly, 'she can hardly take her eyes off of you.'

'You did?' Pacey looked honestly stunned as he stared at Joey and she had to laugh at the expression - it was quite adorable.

'Of course,' she reached across and took his hand.

'Well that's made my day,' he grinned.

'Thanks man,' Dawson chuckled.

'Well you've kind of been a shadow over us, well since there was an us,' Pacey explained but not unkindly.

'Well I'm a shadow no longer,' Dawson summarized. 'And I won't be ever again.'

'If I say I love you will it make you break your cry record?' Pacey asked her seriously.

'No,' she shook her head.

'Well then, I love you.'

'Right back at you,' she said easily and Pacey laughed, and holding the baby carefully leaned across and kissed her. 'Still simple Pace.'

'If this is how simple feels, we can be simple until my dying day.'

'You're happy?' she ran her fingers across the skin of his hand.

'Very.'

'Me too. At this moment,' she agreed. 'I feel relieved.'

'Again, thanks,' Dawson laughed a little.

'Anytime,' she stated with an indulgent look at two of her best friends.

* * *

'So you and Pacey,' Jen said dropping to the floor beside Joey where she was working on the sign. 'Thats looking good,' Jen nodded at the sign.

'Thanks. I didn't exactly share with you about Pace when you called over yesterday. Sorry. I think part of keeping things simple, which is what we're trying to do, well part of it is not talking about it too much and not analyzing.'

'So simply, you and Pacey?'

'We're working through stuff. Slowly but surely. We're just keeping things really low key.'

'All that physical contact is simple?' Jen arched her eyebrows and pursed her lips.

'Well yeah. It's just kissing and hugging. No dates, no expectations, though I can't seem to stay away from him.'

'What's new in that?' Jen teased.

'Jen,' Joey blushed.

'He's amazing with the baby,' Jen acknowledged. 'Your exceedingly cute baby. You are too,' she nudged Joey's shoulder.

'The baby is very easy. He's very chilled out. I think I'm lucky. I'm not sure where we'd be if the baby had turned out to be factious.'

'He's very happy,' Jen agreed.

'He sleeps well too. I guess I didn't over fuss him, you know? I wasn't in any position to. I guess there's still time. Kerry says nothing is certain until they're at least a year old and not even then.'

'But having him, its not been a disaster? Being in Capeside, not escaping?'

'Actually no, not so far. I'm doing better than I probably would have been if I went to college, financially, emotionally. I mean I haven't "escaped." Then again I'm not sure what exactly I was escaping.'

'You liked the therapist?'

'Very much.'

'I became a little obsessed, but he did help.'

'I think I should have gone to see someone sooner. Maybe I could have avoided a lot of what happened.'

'You're seeing him now, that's what is important!'

'I guess,' Joey nodded. 'So tell me about the last semester? I want all the boy gossip.'

'Boy gossip and me isn't good at the moment.'

'You're still sleeping with Charlie?'

'He's kind of irresistible.'

'Oh I totally understand irresistible.'

'And yet you manage to resist!' Jen rolled her eyes.

'Thats only for the sake of my sanity. When we first kissed I lost the plot a little. When we sleep together again I'd like to not cry about it.'

'So it's a when not an if?'

'For me it's a when,' Joey explained simply.

'I think Pacey would concur,' Jen laughed.

'So tell me more about college, Charlie, Grams, the whole shebang!'

'Sure,' Jen picked up the grumbling baby and sat him on her lap and proceeded to fill in her friend.

* * *

'How's he doing?' Pacey leant over the stroller and looked at Oren who was sleeping soundly, a small stuffed dog and the blanket Kerry had made in the stroller with him.

'Totally unbothered by the loud music and the many, many people,' Joey smiled at him.

'And you?'

'Happy. Let's face it I've had a Witter by my side the whole evening, and when they've gone elsewhere I've had Jen, Jack and Dawson.'

'I'm so glad you're here,' he said sincerely.

'Me too. I would have regretted missing this. You're really good at this, at knowing what will work,' she looked around the packed restaurant which had a really warm atmosphere. People were having a lot of fun. The grand opening was a complete success and they both knew it.

'At least I'm good at something,' he shrugged good naturedly.

'You're good at far more than you think,' she smiled, then had a thought. She gave him a long stare, 'So I've been meaning to ask you something all night.'

'Yeah?' he frowned slightly.

'Would you like to dance with me?' she smiled at the huge grin that broke across his face.

'Oh I would love to dance with you,' he actually smirked.

'Can you guys watch Oren?' Joey asked Doug and Gretchen who both nodded, watching their brother with amusement.

'Thanks,' she took Pacey's hand and he led her to the dance floor, where he wrapped his arms around her. 'You picked exactly the right band,' she kissed his neck. 'Good music but not intrusive.'

'And you know all about good music now?' he kissed her neck in return.

'Well after the education you gave me, yeah, I think I do,' she nodded.

'I think music is the thing that makes me most nostalgic. It really helps me understand myself. Does that make sense?'

'An awful lot of sense,' she rested her head against his shoulder and slipped her hands under his shirt so they rested on the warmth of his bare skin. She felt his kiss on her head.

'I know you have to go soon, and I know I'll only get out of here really late, but could I please stay with you guys tonight? It just feels like I need to be with my family.'

Joey pressed her face against him, surprised at the tears.

'Oh hey Jo,' Pacey pushed her away from him so he could look at her. 'What's up?'

'I'm being silly,' she sniffed.

'No, you're not. I didn't mean to upset you,' he looked devastated.

'You didn't. I'd just never thought of us being a family. The three of us. I've just always thought in terms of your family, my family and well you and I and then Oren. These aren't sad tears. I guess they're emotional ones?'

'You're saying you've turned into an emotional girl?' he scrunched up his face.

'I'm afraid so,' she sniffed again.

'Well it was always on the cards, you know - you being an actual girl and all. I guess I can deal with that,' he mocked her and she punched him lightly in the stomach.

'It's nothing to do with my gender and everything to do with you,' she told him and he grinned and pulled her back against him.

'So does that mean I get to creep in and snuggle?' he flirted softly.

'Yeah, you can creep in and snuggle but you wake the baby and I'll kill you,' she squeezed him and he made a soft noise in the back of his throat.

'Look at me a sec,' he said and she looked up. Pacey kissed her long and hard, right there in the dance floor. It was one of those kisses with clear intent and Joey felt herself respond, her hands tightening their grip, her body arching into his. 'Sorry,' he murmured into her mouth.

'S'okay,' she felt barely coherent.

'I've got to go, but know that I don't want to.'

'I don't want you to either,' she looked up at him. 'Pace?'

'Yeah?'

'I am so proud of you. I don't want that to sound wrong, but really I am.'

'It doesn't sound wrong at all,' he gave her another huge grin.

'I'll see you later, yeah?'

'Yeah, I'm going to get Doug to take me now.'

'Ok. Bye,' he dropped a kiss to her lips and then another.

* * *

'Morning sleepy,' Joey got back under the covers after putting Oren in his crib for his morning nap and snuggled into Pacey's side.

'Hmmm, what time is it?'

'Just after nine. You've got to be at the Icehouse for eleven, right?'

'Yep,' he murmured and pushed a lazy hand up her tank, stroking the soft skin.

'It's very hard to stay away from you,' she whispered.

'Don't bother then,' he leaned into her.

'We have to bother,' she moaned softly as he pressed kisses against her neck.

'Says who? Kerry?'

'She made a valid point,' Joey attempted.

'But I love you,' he protested.

'Not till I'm better...or better than I am now,' she kissed him full on the mouth heedless to his morning breath - she didn't care and she'd brushed her teeth. The kiss was heated, the kisses were always heated, especially when he pressed his body against her, rolling on top of her and letting her know exactly how much he wanted her. At length, as the kiss deepened he rolled off of her and his hand moved down her stomach, tracking it's way under the waist of her pyjamas. Just as it reached it's goal the baby cried out. Joey didn't know whether to be relieved or frustrated.

'Damn,' Pacey grumbled as his hand retreated.

'Hmmm,' she agreed ineloquently.

'Probably for the best,' he frowned.

'Probably,' she agreed as he reached into the crib and picked Oren up, pulling him into bed with them. 'Hello gorgeous baby,' she kissed him and then Pacey did the same.

'It's hard to feel any real frustration when he's this cute,' Pacey mused as the baby babbled.

'He's just so happy,' Joey sighed, 'I mean imagine he'd been the opposite. I'm not sure I'd be where I am now.'

'We're lucky I guess,' Pacey shrugged and held the baby's hand.

'I love him. I love him so, so much.'

'Me too,' he stared at the baby. 'I love that he's half you and half me. I love that we made him. I mean I'd love any kid of mine, but I'm really pleased that I had a kid with you.'

'Oh I agree,' she sighed. 'We did make a beautiful baby.'

'We did,' he agreed as Oren began to grumble.

'Food again! I swear he must be growing a lot, he seems to eat all the time!'

'We're both tall. Stands to reason the kid will be tall.'

'True,' she sighed.

'You get bored nursing?' Pacey asked as she pulled Oren to her chest.

'Not really. I'm not doing anything else these days.'

'Except writing,' Pacey pointed out. 'Successfully, for money.'

'Well, yeah except that.'

'And you know mothering in general. Looking after me.'

'You look after me, not the other way around,' she chuckled.

'It goes both ways Jo,' he wrapped an arm around her.

'Yesterday was amazing. You did an amazing job, you are amazing,' she couldn't seem to express it enough, she wanted to keep telling him, even if she did sound over enthusiastic. He amazed her and she felt the need to shout it out.

'It did go pretty well. We were busier than predicted so Doug is thrilled.'

'I'll bet.'

'If I don't say it enough, I have the worlds best brother.'

'You do,' Joey agreed and sighed.

'Why the sigh?'

'I guess, well I guess I feel sorry for Oren. I love my sister. I mean where the hell would I be without her? I'd have been in the system. And you and your siblings? I mean I know it's not always been easy but...'

'I couldn't do without them,' Pacey concurred.

'And Oren, he's not going to have anyone.'

'He's not?'

'Are you planning to get a girl pregnant because I can't see you and I purposefully deciding to give him a sibling in the next...well at least eight years.'

'We wouldn't?' Pacey frowned.

'Pacey I'm eighteen, you're only nineteen. It would be crazy to have another baby close enough for them to be brought up together. Never mind the fact that the hormones sent me half crazy, or the fact that I just about died, as did he.'

'But we could. I mean if we're successful enough, which we're doing pretty well at, why couldn't we?'

'It just feels...wrong.'

'Why?' he frowned.

'Well for all the reasons I just said. I mean we couldn't purposefully have another baby so young.'

'Why not? I mean provided we wanted one, provided we were in a good position, provided we were happy, why the hell not? This is our life and we can do whatever the hell we want.'

'You're crazy, not me,' she laughed.

'Not crazy, I've just realized we could waste our lives worrying about what we should and shouldn't do, but you know what? We made the mistake. We got pregnant and it's not so bad. Even with all that you've suffered through. We're stronger, better people, and we're more determined than ever. Sure it's probably not like that for everyone, but I don't see why, if in a few years time we wanted to give Oren a sibling we shouldn't.'

'You really are crazy,' she handed Oren a rattle and made faces at him as she lay him back between them. 'Well I'll consider it if I haven't messed everything up by then.'

'Nothings going to get messed up. We're wiser people now. We know how to mess it up and we know how to avoid it. What are you now, four days cry free? Real progress!'

'Technically I cried yesterday.'

'That was over emotional girly ness, not from depression,' he clarified and she kissed him.

* * *

_Six weeks later_

'Hi Joey,' the hostess grinned at her as she entered the Icehouse. 'Table on the deck suit you?'

'Yeah, Doug's coming to meet me.'

'Sure, sure. I'll tell Pacey you're here.'

'Thanks Lucy,' Joey smiled and looked at Lucy, wondering why she felt no jealousy over Pacey's rather gorgeous hostess. She didn't doubt that the staff would be into him, he was an attractive guy and charming to boot, but she didn't feel any concern. She must trust him she realized which felt a little strange given that he'd hurt her so much. Not that she blamed him, she'd only ever blamed herself, but it was easy to associate Pacey with potential hurt. And he'd slept with all those other women in the summer after they'd broken up. He'd never given her a number, she didn't want a number, but whilst it hurt she wasn't jealous. There was no point in jealousy - it was so misplaced. It had destroyed her friendship with Dawson for a long time and her jealousy over Dawson having a life beyond her had been part of what destroyed Pacey's trust in her.

'Joey,' Pacey found her at the table and gave her a huge smile - that smile whenever he saw her would have zapped any jealousy she may have felt on the spot anyway. He held out a hand and he pulled her to her feet kissing her, more than just a peck but less than either wanted.

'Don't squash Bub,' she put a little space between them.

'He's asleep?' he was disappointed.

'Yeah, and I'm not planning to wake him. I think he's getting teeth or a cold or something because he was grumpy all morning.'

'Poor you, poor him,' Pacey stroked Oren's hair carefully. 'He's getting big,' he frowned. 'Cant we squish him back little again?'

'Afraid not,' she chuckled. 'I can't believe he's four and a half months Pace, and he's only going to get bigger.'

'Let me sit a sec,' Pacey requested and they each took a seat in the sunshine, Joey's nody sheilding the baby from the sun.

'Are you ok?' she frowned because he suddenly looked serious.

'I'm fine, I'm great, it's just that I was thinking...'

'Should I be worried?' she asked at his big pause.

'No, not at all. It's just, well, the last six weeks since the opening have been crazy. We're doing really well Jo. The Icehouse is exceeding predictions. I know we'll take a hit in the winter, but we have enough locals coming in here regularly, and the kids are using it for dates, so I'm optimistic.'

'That's great,' she smiled warmly.

'It is. Profits are really pretty good. I'm good at this. I'm keeping the costs low, the wait staff efficient and the food good.'

'Thats my boy,' she reached across and took his hand.

'So, well I went to the bank.'

'Ok,' she nodded wanting to let him finish.

'I opened a few accounts. When I buy the place from Dougy, well it'll be a gradual thing and I'll need take over the loan and all of that. He'll keep a percentage. It's all sorted really. My costs are low because I live upstairs. What I want though, well I want to contribute towards Oren. I am really aware that I haven't done that yet.'

'He hasn't really cost anything yet,' she shook her head, 'I mean my wages from the paper more than cover my living costs.'

'I know but it won't be true forever. That he costs nothing I mean, and I have to contribute. He's my son,' his expression was earnest and Joey hoped Doug wouldn't show up in the middle of this.

'I can understand that,' she squeezed his hand.

'Well I opened an account to save money towards college for Oren. I opened another towards his day to day costs. I opened another for travel, for us as a family and I have my business savings account to stockpile money for hard times and my eventual take over of ownership.'

'Wow,' she was impressed and touched.

'I was thinking, well I know your money is yours and mine is mine, but perhaps we could make Oren's account's and the travel account joint? The bank guy said that was possible. Then you can take money from them if you need it.'

'I could put money into them as well,' she said easily.

'Only if you wanted. It's up to you.'

'How much do you think you'll put in?' she asked.

'Well, I just thought I'd keep the amount going into each the same. We can always redistribute but then everything is stockpiling. I'm going to put a hundred into each account every month. If I have extra at the end of the month I'll split it between them. Any improvements or expenditures on the restaurant will only ever come out of the restaurant account. There is a buffer in that account of five thousand - that was in the business plan.'

'I'll match what you're putting in to each account including the restaurant account,' she said simply. 'And yes, let's make them joint.'

'Are you sure? I was worried that was moving us off of simple?' his brow was pursed.

'Hmm,' she thought for a moment, 'well in a way it is, but in an incredibly sensible way. I don't think either of us doesn't trust the other financially. We both have the same end goal in sight, prosperity for us and Oren. In a way this is simplifying things.'

'Excellent,' he grinned again, that smile of his that made all her worries disappear.

'Simple is losing it's appeal anyway,' she admitted softly.

'Really,' he was clearly surprised and a little thrilled at what that implied. She nodded,

'But I think simple is working at the moment, and I'm not brave enough to mess with it. Sorry,' she rolled her eyes slightly.

'Simple is just great for me too. As I said to you before, if this is simple then I don't care if things are simple forever.'

'Really?' she arched suspicious brows.

'Well ok, so there is something I would like to do again with you, but we have so much time. It's nice just being friends and kissing.'

'Thank you for being so supportive, for not...for not getting impatient, or frustrated.'

'There's too much at stake to rush anything Jo. The fact that we both want the same end result, well that's good enough for me.'

* * *

_Another six weeks later _

'Well this is a blast from the past,' Pacey dropped onto the dock beside Joey. Joey had text him to meet her at the B&B.

'Hey,' she smiled at him but continued to stare at the water.

'Everything ok?' he asked and she inwardly cursed his astuteness. She caught his little finger with hers and he covered her whole hand with his.

'I had a bad day,' she sighed.

'You did?' he shuffled a little closer to her.

'I don't even know why really. Oren was as sweet as ever, and Doug called over for coffee. Bessie and I had plans this afternoon, I walked over here and it was a beautiful walk. It's so nice now summer is nearly here, and well... I just feel sad inside.'

'We all have bad days,' he began but she looked at him fearfully,

'But what if this isn't just a bad day? What if this is me going backwards again? I've felt so much better lately. With the therapy, with you, with Oren, with everything. I've actually been feeling happy. I'm scared that this isn't just one day.'

'Take faith in how you have been feeling. You're looking after yourself Joey. Trust that, trust the trend not the one off. Maybe you're getting your period?' he suggested optimistically and she actually smiled,

'I don't get my periods at the moment - because I'm nursing Oren, they just haven't come back.'

'Really? Huh! Who knew,' he arched his eyebrows and slung an arm across her shoulders.

'I'm sorry,' she stuck out her bottom lip and he pulled her even closer,

'You know what I think is getting you down?'

'What?' she turned large eyes to him.

'Well you finished the first two books and you can't decide whether you're for Edward or Jacob. I mean you finished the second book three days ago, the next book isn't out for at least a month, and you haven't declared a side,' he narrowed his eyes at her. 'You're a little bit pro Edward aren't you? You can admit it.'

'Pacey,' her eyes widened and she laughed spontaneously.

'I knew it,' he removed his arm and nudged her away from him.

'I was being serious,' she protested through her giggles.

'So am I, you traitor,' he shook his head in mock dismay.

'Ok, ok, so I liked Edward, the first book I did, but Jacob is so much more like you. You have nothing to worry about.'

'Really?' he gave her a tug until she was on his lap.

'Really,' she nodded.

'Because I think she's going to end up with Eddie boy.'

'Who cares? I'm planning to end up with you.'

'Ah, yes of course. You chose me,' he gave her a cocky look.

'Remind me why?' she teased.

'Sure,' he agreed easily and kissed her. Her heart pounded in her chest and the sadness that had plagued her all day seemed to lift, as though he were expunging it from her soul. Her whole body came alive with longing for him, with the need to be closer and closer to him.

'Oh,' she burst into tears and Pacey made no complaint, simply kissed at her tears and wrapped his arms around her holding her close. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered at length and moved until she was lying on the dock, her head on his lap, an arm about his waist.

'Don't say you're sorry, there's no need,' he brushed at her hair.

'It's not simple anymore,' she attempted. 'I just suddenly realized. You kissed me and the sadness just went from me, and I realized it's not simple.'

'I don't understand. I'm sorry,' he squinted down at her, a frown of concern on his face.

'I need you Pacey. You make me happy, and I need you. I mean, I think I could be ok by myself, I hope I could, because I've been working to achieve that, but I fear I'd never be really truly happy without you.'

'Well it's a good thing that I'm planning to be with you forever,' he said as if it were weird she should consider otherwise.

'But...'

'But what? We're young? So what. We have a kid? He's great. We need good jobs? Done. We want to travel? Saving for it. We need to go out and enjoy our youth? We have babysitters. A lot of them. You want me, you got me.'

'But should I need you?' she asked after a moment and he chuckled.

'Well I should hope so. I mean I need you. I need Oren, he needs both of us. I mean isn't that what a family is?'

'I get scared, scared that it will all fall apart again,' she admitted.

'I can understand that,' he nodded as he looked out to the creek. 'Kerry was right in many ways, a lot of people probably never meet the love of their life, and certainly not in the sandbox. But you know what Jo? Some people do! All we can ever do in life is stick with the things that make us happy. Why assume we'll break up because we're young? We've got to assume we'll keep making each other happy, and when we don't, well we work on it.'

'You're very mature all of a sudden,' she gave him a look.

'Well, one of us has to be,' he nodded sagely so she bit his stomach lightly. 'Joey,' he protested.

'Indicate I'm immature and I'll only attempt to prove you right,' she pointed out.

'Seriously Potter, you and I are going to have tough times, bad days, even bad weeks. We're going to get into bad moods, sad moods, the whole lot, because that's how life is. As long as we want to be together, as long as we're trying to achieve that it will be ok. The majority of the time you and I manage to make each other very happy.'

'But I didn't make you happy.'

'Joey, I will repeat this until my dying day if you need me to, but my happiness is not your sole responsibility. As you said, it's an inside job in the first instance. You made me very happy but I let my insecurities and my fears get the better of me. I let Dawson cloud everything between us. It was as if he was stood in the room with us. You said it's not simple anymore, well it is because this time there's just you and I in this relationship.'

'I can see that. I agree with that. But aren't we responsible a little bit for each other's happiness if we're together?' she frowned up at him from her position on his lap.

'Well I think people generally try to make the other happy. That's true. But that's where the responsibility of talking about things comes in. You didn't lie to me today. You didn't keep it all inside and pretend. You were honest.'

'And you made me happier again. Or alleviated the sad,' she mused thoughtfully.

'And if I hadn't, well at least I'd know where you were at. Tonight if you slump again, I'll understand and I'll give you what you need. Or I'll try to.'

'I always used to think, you know back on the boat...' she trailed off.

'You always used to think what?'

'Nobody would have doubted Dawson and I. Nobody would have been surprised if I jumped on a boat with him. I don't think they'd have doubted us if I'd had his baby and not yours.'

'This isn't Dawson rearing his head again is it?' Pacey was suddenly serious. She knew she was responsible for the frown and the tension suddenly in him.

'No. I just used to wonder why. I still wonder why. You and I work really well together. No one has ever made me feel like you, made me feel alive. You always used to do for me just what I needed and in a totally unshowy way.'

'I painted a wall in the middle of town,' he chuckled, the tension gone.

'Well ok, so that was a little showy,' she grinned. 'I never understood why everyone, you included, went on and on about the soulmate thing. Why did everyone sanctify Dawson and I and never you and I when what was between you and I was clearly more significant?'

'People are weird,' Pacey summarized.

'That's all you've got?' she frowned.

'Honestly, I don't know. It's a bit like saying "you loved such and such teen band at fifteen, what do you mean your taste has changed? You are not allowed to like decent music."'

'Are you comparing Dawson to some cheesy teen band? And what's that make you?Fleetwood Mac?'

'I always saw myself more as U2.'

'Hmm, I can see that, though at times you're bits of my whole CD collection.'

'But yeah, I was describing Dawson as a teen band. It's like everyone insisting you keep his poster on your wall, "think about how he'd feel if you stopped buying his singles."'

'That is a ludicrous analogy Pace, but it does makes sense, the analogy, not everyone's weird adherence to it,' she admitted as he brushed at her hair.

'So you admit that Dawson is a boy band?' he looked inordinately pleased and Joey wanted him.

'I admit it,' she agreed sitting up and sliding a leg across his lap until she was sat on him, a knee on the dock on either side of his legs.

'Well hello,' he teased, his eyes widening and his hands finding her hips.

'Hello,' she snuck her hands up his t-shirt loving the feel of his warm skin, the smoothness as she ran her hands across the firmness of his muscles. 'Can I have a poster of you for my wall?' she teased softly as she kissed his neck, pleased with his body's response to her proximity.

'Hmmm,' he agreed ineloquently, 'you don't need a poster - you get the real thing.'

'Does that mean you're staying tonight?' she smirked as she pressed herself closer to him and he groaned into her kiss.

'Please,' he pulled her closer, his hands on her ass.

'You're grabbing my ass,' she pointed out with an arched brow and he pressed kisses to her neck,

'Hmmm, nice ass,' his hands moved to her waist and up under her clothes.

'Well I guess this answers the question of whether you're done talking,' Bessie's voice half amused, half disapproving. Joey could imagine her sisters eye roll. 'Oren is hungry,' Bessie said pointedly and stalked off.

'Am I missing something, or does your sister really not approve of you and I?' Pacey frowned even though Joey didn't immediately move from on top of him.

'I don't think she disapproves, not in principal. She likes you a lot, especially back when we were at school. I think you're more her sort of person than any of my other friends,' she planted a kiss on his nose.

'So why do I sense disapproval?'

'You really have to ask?' she arched her brows at him.

'Is it because I left? Because you've suffered so much?' he looked very serious.

'Nope, it's because I'm sat on top of you. She has been insisting I go and get the pill. She hates that I got pregnant. Depression alone she could have dealt with but she's never been comfortable with the idea that I made the same mistake she did. She was very distant for a long time. I think she was angry. I think she still is.'

'And she worries that if we get close again, what? You'll have another baby in nine months?'

'Maybe,' Joey pouted a little and then flushed, 'we really should um...you know...'

'We really should what?' Pacey frowned.

'Well we should, you know...'

'Nope, still no clue.'

'We keep getting more, you know, caught up when we're alone together... It's not like it's just hugging and kissing anymore...it's a lot more...I don't want to rely on condoms, not when they clearly didn't work last time.'

'You want to talk about birth control,' he actually blushed which Joey found charming.

'I'm not saying..._you know_, but I feel like we need to be prepared.'

'What are your, um...thoughts?'

'I honestly don't have a clue. I know there are certain pills that can make you feel depressed.'

'Well not them. I have to say putting any hormones into you just seems wrong,' Pacey pulled her a little nearer. She couldn't help but smile at his sincerity, at the way he cared so much about her.

'I don't know much about it. I had a little look on the internet and there's this thing called the coil. They'd put it in me and it stops pregnancy,' she said and then shifted uneasily at what she had to ask next. Pacey clearly read her discomfort.

'What?' he frowned.

'Well you slept with other girls. Did you use protection? I don't really want to know anything more, but if there's any chance of anything, well I'd prefer you to get tested,' she took a deep breath. It hurt deep inside to think of Pacey loving other girls but she had to be practical, she had to look after her health and his health.

'I was always safe Joey, always, but I will get tested anyway.'

'Really?' she looked at him feeling very much like a fifteen year old.

'I would never forgive myself if...well...you know, so I'll check...'

'Thank you,' she pressed her head against his chest. 'I better go feed the baby.'

'I better go win some points with your sister,' Pacey grumbled.

'That would be good,' Joey smirked.

'Come on then missy,' he said as they detached themselves from one another and he took her hand. As they approached the B&B they saw Bessie pacing the grass with Oren.

'Sorry Bess,' Joey bit her lip.

'Oh it's ok,' Bessie rolled her eyes somewhat reluctant, 'it's not like you didn't do your time with Alex, though at least he'd take a bottle.'

'We're working on that,' Joey said as she took her son. 'Hey little man, let's go sit over here and get you some food and daddy can go make hot chocolate.'

'I guess I'm making hot chocolate,' Pacey sighed exaggeratedly. 'Want some Bess?'

'Sure why not.'

'The cream is in the fridge and the marshmallows are in the cupboard up above the dishwasher.'

'Tsk,' Pacey rolled his eyes and went into the B&B as Bessie sat down next to Joey.

'You know you really aught to wean that baby,' Bessie grumbled.

'You mean stop nursing him?' Joey frowned, feeling put out.

'No, I mean give him some food. He's six months old Joey, purée the kid some carrots or give him a yogurt. There's jars of baby food at the store. If he ate food I might actually be able to have him for the day sometime.'

'I wasn't actually going to purée food,' Joey admitted.

'Huh?' Bessie looked at her like she was crazy.

'There's another way some people do it, they just give them the food. And I was going to do that. The baby just does it all in their own time. I thought it was more suited to my..._frame of mind_ than making extra work. He'll just eat what I eat.

'You barely eat,' Bessie chastised, still frowning.

'Well then this will be good for both of us,' Joey knew the minute she and Pacey and decided on it that they would meet resistance. Only Kerry, who had puréed for months with each of her children, had been openly supportive,

'You can't just give a baby a banana - he'll choke.'

'Actually I gave him a banana and he was fine. He ate a strawberry too, and some sweet potato. Pacey gave him some pasta at the Icehouse and he was ok with that as well.'

'So you're already doing it? So why not give me something for him?'

'It's slower than purée food. They play a lot and don't eat as much as quickly. But it does work and they're meant to be less fussy and just eat as we do.'

'I give up with you at times Joey. I don't understand you at all,' Bessie was clearly frustrated. 'Was nothing I did good enough?'

'What?' Joey frowned at her sister, feeling the return of the sad that Pacey had so successfully helped her eradicate.

'I didn't nurse my baby, but you do. I puréed my kids food, but you're all experimental. You never ask for my advice. You always go to Pacey's sister.'

'I don't ask for advice Bessie, I just want to talk things over but you take everything so personally. Kerry doesn't. She actually suggested this. She had a friend that did it. She didn't even do it herself.'

'I feel like you try and do everything better than I did,' Bessie admitted and Joey began to feel overwhelmed. Instead of lashing out though she took a moment and breathed deeply.

'I can see why you might feel that way Bes, I can,' she said instead. 'It's true that I haven't really asked for your advice, mainly because I've felt your anger at the whole situation. I'm not doing things differently to you to be better, I'm just trying to make it through. I nursed Oren mainly because it seemed easier. Because I was terrified about messing up bottles, of forgetting to buy formulae. Its worked for me and I'm really thankful for that. The same goes for this method of weaning. I need things simple Bes.'

'I never really thought about it like that. And I have been angry but not at you Joey. You're my little sister and I love you, I just didn't want you to struggle like I did, you're a million times smarter than me and...'

'That's not true Bessie, not at all. I've never been smarter than you. Not ever. You took on responsibility for me the minute mom got sick, which was when you were trying to graduate high school. I know you sacrificed a lot for me. That must make you angry but I am determined to make you proud,' Joey felt awful.

'You do make me proud,' Bessie's voice cracked, 'you do. Don't doubt that, this is your life and I can't tell you what you should and shouldn't do with it because I agreed to look after you when mom died and dad went to prison. That's not why we do those things. I did that because I love you. I am really proud of how you've managed your depression, I'm proud of the mother you are, of your job, of the guy you picked. It's not what I imagined for you but I'm really, really proud.'

'Bessie,' Joey felt the tears track down her face, 'I'm sorry, really I am, for putting you through all of this, for getting pregnant, for getting depressed, for all of it. I never meant to...'

'Oh jeez girl don't apologize. You didn't get pregnant on purpose or even by being careless, I know you well enough to know that! Nor did you "choose" to get depressed. I know that too,' she took Joey's hand. 'I've been angry, but only because I wanted you to achieve your dreams. I've been distant but that's because I haven't always known what to say. And I was a little hurt you didn't turn to me for advice.'

'I snubbed your successes once before. Back when I refused to let you help me with that school report on the single mom and successful businesswoman. I don't think I've ever let you know that I'm proud of you.'

'You are?' Bessie actually blushed and Joey was relieved she managed to hold that initial frustration she had felt inside when Bessie said she felt like Joey was doing everything better.

'Look at your life - Bodie loves you, you have a successful business, a wonderful son and a beautiful home. You stood by me and you gave me a home and consistency when we had no parents. You are my role model.'

'It means a lot to hear you say that,' Bessie admitted.

'It's true,' Joey realized how true it was. 'I had my priorities all confused before Oren. It was all about the escape. The only way to live was to leave. That's not true. You and I have our whole lives ahead, and maybe we've done things out of order, or whatever, but I don't think I'll ever regret it.'

'No I don't suppose I will either,' Bessie agreed as Pacey pushed through the door with a tray holding three hot chocolates. He looked at the tear stained cheeks of both women and faltered.

'We're ok, just a heart to heart,' Joey reassured him with a smile and he smiled in return,

'Well here's hot chocolates as ordered. I stole a couple of raspberries for Oren. I hope that's ok?'

'You don't steal from family,' Bessie gave Pacey an indulgent look as Joey sat Oren on her lap and Pacey gave him a raspberry to hold. They all watched as he squished it before putting it in his mouth.

'This is messy, I warn you,' Joey laughed as half went down and half landed in Pacey's quick hand. He handed the other half back to the baby who managed to shove it into his mouth, his hands stained with raspberry juice and bits.

'What do you know, he actually does eat it?' Bessie smiled broadly and squeezed her sister hand.

'Not always, often he wears it,' Pacey informed her before plucking him from Joey's arms and rubbing his belly on his head.

'You're getting raspberried,' Joey warned with a smile.

'Don't care,' Pacey stated as his sons giggles filled the air.

**I'll beg - please, please review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A huge thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far. When I post and I have nothing else written the reviews really get me writing. T asked how I get this written so quickly - I wrote most of it when I had flue over Christmas. Now I write when my kids are in bed! Anyway, thank you for the reviews. I am shameless though and am going to beg for more! Especially as I was a bit worried about how to write this chapter and I need to find a way to finish this! So please review and thank you if you do!**

**Chapter Thirteen**

_Four weeks later_

Joey stared at Oren as he slept. It was an extremely peaceful activity to watch the rise and fall of his chest, the expressions on his face, the curve of his plump cheeks and the spread of his long lashes across them. It was strange for her to think of herself as _better_ so she avoided that word. She was _progressing_ was perhaps a better way to describe it. Much time was still spent in contemplation and introspection, but it wasn't all negative. The easy tears had faded. She still cried but to her it felt like a normal amount. The words Pacey had said at prom did come to mind still, more than she liked, but she could be more objective which was definitely an improvement on before. Both her therapist and Pacey still had to remind her to look at the whole picture and increasingly she did. She was still ready to accept fault where fault was due, and too often where it wasn't, but she also looked at the other aspects of a situation.

'Hey Joey,' Pacey called softly, opening the door to her room and sitting next to her on the bed, his hand landing on top of hers. He gave her a smile and so she kissed him, and then looked back at the baby. 'Look at him,' he stated rhetorically also staring into the crib.

'He was rocking on all fours today. I think that means life as we know it may soon be over,' she said softly and then tearing her eyes from the baby looked at Pacey properly, a pastime as enjoyable and addictive as staring at her son. His hair was short, not as short as it had been after the summer on the boat, but nice. His skin was once again tanned from the good weather and it smoothed over the top of increasingly defined muscles. Pacey the boy had been attractive, but Pacey the man was something else entirely. 'Hey,' she said and he looked at her and chuckled,

'Oh I like seeing that look on your face,' he teased softly, kissing her.

'Hmmm,' she responded threading her hands through his hair and then swinging a leg over his lap so she was straddling him.

'Joey,' he breathed her name.

'Hmmm...yeah?'

'The baby is right there,' he hissed but kissed her back regardless.

'Sleeping,' she informed him between kisses and he conceded easily, his hands trailing up her top. 'I really, really love you,' she whispered and rocked against him.

'Mmmmmm,' he agreed as her hands moved to the buttons of his shirt. 'Jo...you remember Doug and Gretchen were coming over with me today for dinner? I mean I smell the dinner cooking. They're in the living room,' he ran his fingers across her chest and she moaned.

'Hmmmm temporarily forgot,' she grumbled still pushing at his shirt and then marvelling at the sight of him in his white undershirt. It had come as something of a shock to her quite how much she desired him. She'd always wanted him, found him hard to resist and after Oren was born that feeling had intensified. Denying themselves what they both wanted seemed to have trebled the feeling until at times it was unbearable.

'Joey,' he groaned at the look on her face. 'You're hard enough to resist at the best of times but when you look at me like that...'

'I don't want you to resist anymore,' she told him honestly. 'The reasons we were taking it slow, well they're not there anymore. It's not the same. I want to be close to you in _that_ way, more than anything. We've taken precautions, you got checked out, and well I don't see why we're waiting,' she looked down playing with the material of his tank.

'I...' he trailed off. She looked up and saw his expression, his eyes dark pools of desire, his face half concerned and half hopeful.

'I know not now, not this second, but whenever...well next time just don't stop.'

'Joey,' her name was a lament on his lips as he stared at her with those eyes of his, his hands pulling her impossibly closer.

'Not now,' she reiterated with a smile, 'but if they leave early enough,' she shrugged and he groaned softly into her neck.

'I feel far to turned on to go out there, and yet also incredibly nervous,' he admitted.

'Don't be nervous,' she frowned.

'I'll take deep breaths,' he mused and she chuckled. 'You go on out, I'll be there when my body can distance itself from what my mind just heard!'

'Take your time,' she kissed him and headed to see Doug and Gretchen.

'Hey guys,' she smiled at them as she entered the living room, Gretchen standing and giving her a hug, followed by Doug.

'Whatever is cooking smells delicious,' Gretchen breathed in and out inhaling the scent.

'What did Pacey bring home?' Doug sat back at the table and began flicking a coaster off the edge and catching it in his hand. He gave her his usual affectionate smile.

'Actually Pacey didn't bring anything home. I cooked us ratatouille.'

'You cooked?' Doug's face fell in a look of something crossed between horror and fear. He then had the good grace to blush when Joey stared him down. 'I mean, you cooked - wow!'

'I followed Pacey's recipe,' she defended.

'Don't you hate cooking?' Gretchen asked, 'I mean you never struck me as a person with a fondness for it.'

'Oh I never have been, but I can't live off the restaurant the whole time. I mean I have to be able to cook, even just to feed the kid. Pacey's been giving me lessons.'

'Oh I'll bet he has,' Gretchen rolled her eyes the insinuation heavy. Joey couldn't really say much to that because Pacey was incredibly handsy in the kitchen when he was teaching her and they'd definitely made more mess than was strictly necessary and on more than one occasion.

'Trust me, it'll taste ok,' she said. 'I gave it to Oren for lunch and he ate the whole bowl.'

'Well if you fed it to the kid I'll assume it's safe,' Doug shrugged.

'It tastes good too,' she griped and Doug looked a little sheepish.

'I'm sure it does,' he agreed hurriedly.

'Hello people,' Pacey bustled into the living room and kissed Joey's cheek, his hand seeking hers.

'Oren still asleep? Not woken up to see his aunt and uncle?' Gretchen asked and her brother shook his head.

'Still asleep and staying that way.'

'He still waking in the night?' Gretchen looked at Joey.

'Oh yeah,' Joey nodded, 'at about four or five for some milk but then he goes back to sleep.'

'Still refusing that bottle?' Doug asked.

'If Joey's not there he'll just stuff his face with actual food. He drinks water from a cup,' Pacey said as he released Joey and began to lay the table.

'So you mean I can steal him for the day?' Gretchen brightened.

'Please,' Joey nodded, 'how's tomorrow?' she shot Pacey a sultry look and the blood rushed to his cheeks and his eyes darkened. Gretchen looked between them and smirked.

'Ok, I so didn't need to know that!' she rolled her eyes.

'I listened to every detail, and I mean every single detail of when you and Hal finally did it,' Joey said pointedly and it was Gretchen's turn to blush.

'Every excruciating detail,' she frowned, nodding slowly.

'It's not easy being a virgin with a partner much more experienced,' Joey said softly and Gretchen nodded, as Pacey buried his head in a cupboard.

'He's a fast leaner,' Gretchen said easily.

'You guys are...you know?' Doug arched his brows suggestively as he took Joey's hand and she shook her head.

'No, but I'd like to.'

'That is good news,' Doug gave her a smile.

'Her sex life is good news? You block your ears when I talk about mine,' Gretchen slapped his arm.

'One you're my sister - eew. Secondly, if Joey wants to be...intimate...with Pacey, and I will add that the thought of Pacey at it is equally yuk, well it means she is in a good place.'

'I am...in a good place that is. I haven't rushed it either,' she added, 'I mean I wouldn't consider anything unless I was...consistently in a good place.'

'So we should consider tonight a celebration,' Gretchen stated and Pacey put his hands on Joey's shoulders, the table set.

'Of what? My sex life?' Joey shook her head with a frown.

'Only if you want. I was actually thinking of new beginnings. I know it's a little cheesy but in a year we've all come a long way. It's been long, at times extremely traumatic and well I think we're stronger and closer because of it.'

'I would agree,' Pacey squeezed Joey's shoulders.

'Me too,' Doug said and Joey swiped at unwelcome tears. 'Hey,' Doug took her hand again.

'I'm fine, don't worry. I just...well I know that of it wasn't for all of you I wouldn't be - fine that is. So I'm going to say thank you. A really heartfelt thank you for saving me, ironically enough from myself. I really wouldn't be here without you.'

'You're honestly welcome,' Doug said softly, 'and the thanks goes both ways. You've done a lot for all of us too.'

'Ok,' Joey sniffed and wiped her eyes, 'I'm now going to feed you an awesome meal that I cooked all by myself and we're going to stick to much lighter topics.'

'Ok,' Gretchen smiled, 'let's talk about Dougy telling Ethan he loves him...'

* * *

Joey felt like she was going mad. She couldn't keep her eyes off Pacey or her ears on the conversation. She was literally pining for him even though he was right there. It wasn't even as though she was managing to keep her desire for him secret, it was apparently blatantly obvious to Doug and Gretchen who kept smirking and lingering for a ridiculously long time over desert and coffee. Who even drank coffee in the evening these days? Most people just ate desert and left, but not Pacey's siblings who felt the need to watch her and Pacey make goo eyes at one another all evening. She sighed. If only it had been just goo eyes, but no, Pacey also felt the need to drive her crazy, his hand on her leg at dinner sneaking way higher than socially acceptable. The way he'd come up behind her and breathe on her neck, his body pressed against her. Even now, as she watched Doug and Gretchen take small sips of their coffee Pacey had her pulled as close to him as humanly possible on the couch, his fingers just nudging her chest, not nearly enough to relieve some of the tension, that would be too easy. Doug smiled at Gretchen and she smiled back and Joey flipped.

'Get out, get out, get out,' she stated. 'So nice you came, Pacey get their jackets, we'll see you soon,' she steamed before they'd even put their coffees down. She jumped up from the couch and took their still full cups out of their hands, ignoring their expressions completely. She put down the cups and observing that Pacey had yet to move she grabbed their jackets and threw them at them.

'You need a hand up or something?' Pacey asked pointedly finally getting with the program and staring at his brother and sister.

'Oh we're just fine,' Gretchen smirked and Doug actually laughed as he pulled on his jacket at a laboriously slow pace.

'Chop chop,' Pacey had stood and was moving to the front door. Joey looked at him and their eyes met. She moved to stand beside him but didn't trust herself to touch him before they'd got rid of their guests.

'Bye, see you,' she said dismissively as Gretchen and Doug left whilst openly laughing.

'Oh we'll see you tomorrow,' they practically sang as Pacey slammed the door behind them. Joey didn't think to be ashamed as she literally threw herself at him, not that he appeared to have any problem with her wanton behaviour, as he practically threw her against the apartment wall and began to ravish her.

It wasn't the first time Joey had envisioned. For a long time she had thought of her next sexual experience as her first time, even though she wasn't a virgin. It was her first time since getting pregnant, her first time since Oren was born, her first time since the last time with Pacey well over a year earlier. As for Pacey, he seemed to be struggling with what he wanted and his inclination to be careful of her.

'Don't worry about me,' she gasped as he bit down on the skin where her neck met her shoulder and moved his body against her in a much skilled manner.

'But...'

'Pacey,' she protested and tugged at him, her lips finding his again.

It wasn't slow and careful like she'd imagined, it wasn't even in a bed. There was a desperation to their movements and a deep need to be together that overshadowed concern about how good it was, or how long it would last. Though he wasn't careful, Pacey was gentle and that was all that mattered to her. He whispered that he loved her, and even though his hands were somewhat clumsy in their need to touch her, even though he was quick to undress her, she felt his yearning and found it mirrored in her. It was good, though she didn't think that played a role in his movements, but then again Pacey had always instinctively known how to make it feel amazing. It might have been against the wall next to the front door, it might have been slightly frenzied but when it was over and he wrapped his arms around her and they both breathed a sigh of relief, she felt no sadness, no sudden sting of tears.

'I need to lie down,' she whispered and he nodded against her chest.

'Me too,' he agreed.

'First though,' she said and lowered her lips to his, kissing him thoroughly. 'That was perfect.'

'That was more than perfect. I've never...without out a...you know...so it wasn't very...um long...'

'It was perfect,' she reiterated with a smile, as he took her hand and led her through to the living room where they sat on the couch together.

'I think you need an apartment with two bedrooms,' he murmured into her ear and she chuckled,

'So we can do that in a bed as well as up against a wall?'

'Like you read my mind,' he kissed her neck, his arms wrapped around her.

'Up against a wall, in a bed, the floor, I don't really care so long as it's with you,' she said with a simple shrug and his arms tightened.

'You know my place has two bedrooms,' he began, his voice little more than a whisper.

'I know,' she nodded.

'The bedrooms are pretty quiet,' he continued.

'Hmmm,' her fingers tracked over is hands. He really did have lovely hands.

'I don't know whether you're ready yet, but when you are...it would be nice for us all to live together,' he pressed his face against the skin of her shoulder. She turned so she could look at him, her heart thumping.

'You'd want us to live with you?' she clarified.

'I'd love for you to live with me,' he raised his blue eyes to meet hers. 'I don't even care if you'd want to share with Oren. Well I care, but I'd want you to do what you needed. I'd just like you both with me. I miss you insanely and sometimes I feel like we don't have enough time. I swear the kid sometimes grows between the times I see him.'

'Can I think about it?' she asked.

'Sure, of course.'

'I'm not opposed to the idea, though I guess depending on when, I might like to have my own space...I don't know...I just hadn't thought about it at all.'

'You take all the time you need. I won't pressure you, just know that me not mentioning it doesn't change how much I want it.'

'Ok,' she agreed relishing in the feel of his skin on hers. 'Pace?'

'Yeah?'

'Would I sound like a floozy if I said I wanted to do it again?'

'Total floozy,' he chuckled. 'But sure,' he freed her so she could twist in his arms, his lips meeting hers.

* * *

**Bang. Bang. Bang.**

'Hey,' Joey opened the door and gave a ridiculously large smile.

'So it went well then?' Gretchen rolled her eyes and Joey, who knew for a fact that she hadn't stopped smiling since she'd woken up, had no smart retort. 'That good?' Gretchen shook her head.

'Mmmm,' Joey nodded.

'Actually we better not talk about it, he is my brother after all.'

'Your incredibly gorgeous brother,' Joey filled in.

'Well now, that's a matter of opinion...'

'Nope, it's definitely fact. You're all beautiful and you know it,' Joey shrugged easily.

'Now...' Gretchen began to protest but Joey laughed and put a finger to her lips.

'It's true, so no protesting.'

'Boy, I think maybe we connected more when you were depressed,' Gretchen teased and Joey found herself laughing again.

'Can't dampen my mood today.'

'I'm not going to try,' Gretchen dragged Joey into the kitchen, sat her in a chair and put the kettle on.

'I'm sorry we kicked you out.'

'I'm not. It was either that or us having to awkwardly leave after you'd jumped each other.'

'Well still,' Joey blushed.

'We were being a little mean,' Gretchen conceded.

'You were,' Joey concurred.

'You didn't scar my nephew did you ?' Gretchen suddenly frowned.

'No, of course not,' Joey flicked Gretchen's pony tail as she stood to get an orange. 'Want one?'

'Sure,' Gretchen shrugged as she poured hot water into mugs. After adding milk they headed back to the table and sat, an orange in front of each of them. 'So is Bub asleep?'

'He is. He slept until five last night, which quite frankly was utterly necessary considering I barely slept.'

'Aagh, I don't want to know,' Gretchen put her hands over her ears and winced.

'Shall I tell you about it all in more detail?' Joey teased, 'after all I know exactly how it felt when Hal...'

'Don't make me regret sharing,' Gretchen interrupted and Joey smirked.

'So when is Hal going to meet your parents?'

'Hmmm, well I guess soon. We've been together quite a while now.'

'Your parents aren't so bad,' Joey attempted to which Gretchen widened her eyes, 'well ok, so they were. I admit they were pretty tough going when I was Pacey's girlfriend the last time.'

'As opposed to this time?'

'This time they're amazing. Then again this time I'm the mom of their grandson.'

'And they like you. I can't really see my dad and Hal hitting it off.'

'I think your dad might surprise you,' Joey stated, 'I think Hal might.'

'I hope so. You surprised me, anythings possible.'

'What do you mean I surprised you?'

'I wasn't...well, I suppose at first I wasn't all that interested in you. I'll admit it - I didn't really bother to get to know you. I'd heard about all that went on before you and  
Pace headed for the open seas. I was worried. I didn't think you would let Dawson go.'

'You were right to worry,' Joey admitted. 'I didn't treat Pacey like I should have. I took him for granted, and I absolutely let Dawson hang over us.'

'I found you quiet. I just wasn't sure what was going on with Pace, and I couldn't seem to get close to you. I was defensive of my brother and I guess I didn't think I could trust him with you.'

'Oh how right you were,' Joey sighed but didn't feel more than an ache somewhere around her heart. 'Not this time though.'

'Oh I believe you. Utterly,' Gretchen was clearly being sincere. 'My point was I've given you a chance, just like I should have before. I aught to have known that there was a good reason Pacey loved you so much. And there is a good reason. I'm sorry I was a bit of a bitch the first time. I know you better now and I can see why you and Pace work. I like being your friend.'

'I'm glad we're friends too,' Joey said simply. 'He...um...well...can I ask for advice?' Joey asked and then sighed as Oren began to cry.

'As long as it's not related to sex with my brother,' Gretchen nodded and pushed Joey back into her chair and stood to go and fetch Oren from the bedroom. 'Shall we go to the living room and toys?' she asked on her return, a sleepy baby clutched in her arms and Joey nodded. Gretchen sat on the floor with Joey and hugged the baby before putting him on the floor with an assortment of toys. 'So this advice?'

'Well...after...well last night,' Joey began.

'Joey,' Gretchen gave her a pointed look.

'Oh worry not,' Joey grumbled, 'Pace and I don't need any advice there,' she gave Gretchen an evil smirk.

'So what exactly do you want advice on? Gretchen scowled.

'Pacey asked Oren and I to move in with him,' Joey admitted in a soft voice.

'He did what?' Gretchen shouted and Oren startled and his bottom lip began to quiver. 'Oh I'm sorry baby,' Gretchen scooped him up but he looked to Joey who gave him a smile and took one if his hands. The baby smiled which was typical behaviour. He was very easy going.

'He said Oren and I could share a room, or not, but that he wanted us to live together.'

'Wow,' Gretchen blew out air which landed on Oren who giggled. 'I have to say my brother has balls.'

'Yes he does, but we apparently weren't discussing them,' Joey arched a brow and Gretchen whacked her,

'I meant the fact that he's saying what he wants and the fact that he thinks he'll get it.'

'Do you think he should get it?' Joey asked.

'I think it's a sign of how strong your relationship is that he wants that and he's willing to ask.'

'But do you think we should move in with him?' Joey watched her baby who was rocking on all fours.

'Hmmm,' Gretchen put a toy just out of reach and Oren lunged for it landing on his belly. 'Do I think you and Pacey should live together? Yeah I do, when the time is right. I mean you love each other, clearly. And you have Oren together which makes you a family. But you're young. I admit that, but I'm a firm believer in if it's right it's right. I don't think you have to be a certain age to find real love. I don't think your age means that it won't work out. At all.'

'So I should or shouldn't?'

'Oh I can't tell you that,' Gretchen made a crazy face at Oren who grabbed her nose.

'No, I didn't think you would.'

'What's your gut feeling?' Gretchen freed her nose and put the baby back on his stomach.

'My family is in pieces. You know that. My mom is dead, my dad is in jail. Bodie spent so much time away. I hated it. For Oren my gut feeling is that we should be together, all together - especially because we love each other.'

'And for you?' Gretchen asked.

'I think I would be very happy living with Pacey. We got on so well that summer on the boat and we were together nearly all the time. This time there would be space. And Dawson wouldn't be lurking in the shadows. I just...' Joey trailed off and swiped at an unexpected tear.

'You just?'

'I just feel like I need a little longer so I trust my recovery. I need to trust that how I feel isn't going to be fleeting.'

'You think how you feel for Pacey might be fleeting?' Gretchen frowned and Joey gave her a look,

'Seriously? You seriously doubt my feelings for him?'

'Well no,' Gretchen said.

'Good,' Joey nodded. 'I meant the progress I'm making at...you know...not being depressed.'

'I can understand that,' Gretchen admitted. 'But your...progress, well it's been good.'

'It has, it is. But I still have a therapist. I still take antidepressants. I have to be honest and say that I need to be convinced about myself, my state of mind.'

'Now I need to be honest,' Gretchen sighed, 'I understand why you feel that way, but really Jo, nobody's state of mind is static. You can only ever be so convinced of your mood. I mean, we're all up and down - good days, bad days, awesome days and terrible days.'

'Fair point,' Joey took Oren and after looking at the clock moved him to his high chair, Gretchen following her. Joey burrowed in the fridge pulling out some fruit, a cucumber, some cheese and a hard boiled egg, and then got some bread and stuck it in the toaster. 'You want a sandwich Gretch?'

'Sure,' Gretchen shrugged and peeled the egg before handing it to Oren who immediately squashed it in his fist. 'You know Oren eats very well and I understand your decision to do this but it really is incredibly messy.'

'You have no idea,' Joey laughed as she buttered bread and chopped cucumber. As Oren's toast popped up she buttered it and chopped it crudely before handing it to her son with some cucumber and a chunk if cheese.

'I guess my advice is that there is no harm in waiting, but I don't think it would be the wrong decision not to wait.'

'What if...well what if it hurts him...me making him wait?'

'It wouldn't hurt him,' Gretchen said dismissively but Joey shook her head. She'd hurt Pacey well enough before by making him wait, or at least her reasons had.

'I made him wait more than once before,' Joey sighed, 'I made him wait before telling him my feelings back in junior year. In fact I lied. Then I made him wait a long time before I'd sleep with him, and he knew...he knew why even if I didn't admit it.'

'But you can't go ahead for the wrong reasons Jo. All Pacey has ever needed from you is honesty. You don't want to wait, not really. The only reason you'd be waiting was so you could trust yourself a little more, be sure not to hurt him. Just tell him that.'

* * *

_Three weeks later_

'Ok so I'm confused,' Pacey entered her bedroom and frowned.

'Why?' she grinned.

'Well you're wearing workout clothes. You don't work out...well you do, but usually you're naked,' he pursed his lips, 'or nearly naked depending on how patient we're feeling...'

'I decided to take up running. I found a jogging stroller for sale for fifty bucks, and well I heard exercise is supposed to help keep a healthy mental state!'

'You do a lot of exercise,' Pacey put his hands on her hips and tugged her against him, his voice soft and intimate, 'I mean I like to make sure of that,' he bent his head to her neck and pressed soft kisses to her skin.

'Hmmm, you do,' she agreed.

'So no need to waste time running,' he ran his hands up under her top, over her ribs and higher. 'If you want more exercise you only have to ask,' he said and she smiled against the kiss he stole.

'Ok, fine...but later we run. My jogging stroller is absolutely no use for this kind of exercise.'

'True,' he chuckled.

* * *

'You didn't have to take up running too,' she huffed as they ran through the park together, Pacey pushing Oren.

'I can't have you getting muscles I don't have,' Pacey shrugged easily.

'You have plenty of muscle Pace,' she rolled her eyes. 'God this isn't fun yet.'

'It will be. Half an hour they say and then you get the rush.'

'How long have we been running?'

'Ten minutes,' he admitted and she groaned.

'I'll never manage another twenty minutes.'

'Slow and steady to start. Walk and run if you want. We can do it.'

'You were right, our other form of exercise is far more enjoyable for Oren's naps. This is a total waste of a sleeping baby,' she took his hand and pulled him to a halt before throwing her arms around him and kissing him what she hoped was senseless.

'Na ah Potter, this is supposed to be a run,' he protested against her kisses.

'Pacey,' she kissed him again until he relented and kissed her back.

'Ok, enough, now get running.'

'Jogging,' she muttered.

'So get jogging,' he ordered and she managed a smile.

* * *

_Another three weeks later_

'You're what?' Kerry put down her tea.

'I'm moving in with Pacey,' Joey repeated.

'I...I...'

'He asked me about six weeks ago. I was honest and told him I needed a little more time...you know to make sure I'm really recovering...better...you know,' Joey faltered at Kerry's gaping mouth. The next thing she knew Kerry had thrown her arms around her and was sniffing into her shoulder.

'Good,' she said firmly against Joey's sweater.

'You don't think it's the wrong decision? I mean you gave the advice to take it slow.'

'And you took it!' Kerry pulled back and shook her head, 'I mean no one ever takes my advice.'

'It was good advice,' Joey said honestly. 'Thats why I'm telling you this before I even tell Pace.'

'You are?' Kerry's eyes filled with tears.

'If you think it's a bad idea, or too soon, or whatever, I want to hear it.'

'You took my advice Joey. What I meant by that is you've taken it slow. It would have been so easy for you and Pacey to try and pick up where you left off but you didn't. You took your time, you healed, you've both discovered a little bit more about who you are. Do I think it's a good idea for you to live together as a family? Yes, absolutely.'

'Thank you...for everything Kerry. You're a voice of reason always. I trust you.'

'Thank you as well Joey, for helping me trust myself, and for giving me a proper place in my family,' the tears spilled from her eyes.

'You can't make me cry,' Joey stated and swiped at a tear.

* * *

Joey stared at Pacey as they sat in a bar where they thankfully hadn't been ID'd. He looked, well, he looked perfect. Joey wondered why it had taken her so long to realize quite how beautiful Pacey actually was. She was just thankful that she had realized it because she knew Pacey was the nicest person she had ever met - he was beautiful inside and out.

'So Joey, I have to ask, is this a date?' he waggled his eyebrows at her. 'I mean if I'd known we could date I would have taken you out before now.' She rolled her eyes,

'Since we decided to make things...more than simple we've had plenty of dates.'

'Not out, not with you all dressed up,' his eyes roved over her appreciatively.

'In fact you managed to turn friendly hanging out into very datish events even when things were simple.'

'Mheh,' he shrugged and kissed her.

'Doesn't it strike you as weird that we're in here illegally and yet we both work, we have a kid and we live independently.'

'A little odd,' Pacey chuckled.

'Talking of the work thing...' Joey trailed off biting her lip.

'Is everything ok at the paper?' Pacey frowned.

'Well it is I guess. I emailed Bill. My column is done for the next eight weeks, it's just, well how can I write a column on depression if I'm not really depressed anymore. I mean my journal is still ongoing, it's therapeutic to write, but...'

'So your "progress" - you're worried it's going to do you out of a job?' Pacey took her hand.

'Well that was my concern, yes. But Bill emailed me back immediately. That's pretty good for Bill - he wants to keep me on. He thinks I could write good social commentary. He suggested I try my hand in a few areas. Social commentary from a woman's viewpoint. Social commentary from a suburban Boston viewpoint. Motherhood. Commentary on the news stories of the week. He'll read them and decide where to apply my skills. I apparently have a following. I've never read any of the letters or emails but there were lots of them.'

'I can believe that. It's great that he wants to keep you on - a true testament to your rather obvious skill. You are one talented girl.'

'And you - you're biased.'

'Biased I might be, but in this case it actually is the truth. If I'm biased, so apparently is your boss.'

'Hmmm,' she shrugged.

'So you have a feeling about what area you'd like to do?'

'I'm actually keen on the news events, though something based more closely on my life might be easier to achieve. I've always had my work completed well in advance. To write on current affairs, well I could only write after they'd happened. It would be much more of a job than I've had before now.'

'You might need someone to watch Oren,' Pacey mused thoughtfully. 'I mean I bet my mom would help.'

'If I need it. I might find my niche is the more personal writing. Let's see.'

'I'm incredibly proud of you. I do have the worlds best girlfriend,' he gave a contented sigh, a sound that filled Joey with happiness.

'And I have you,' she couldn't seem to stop touching him.

'I love you Jo. I've never been one it say it a lot, but it's very true.'

'Well I love you,' she smiled. 'I also decided that if you still want us, Oren and I would like to move in with you.'

'Your snoring could be an issue,' Pacey held a straight face as she whacked him, then he grinned and pulled her onto his lap heedless to their surroundings. 'You're really going to move in?'

'Really,' she agreed. 'I can't promise to always be happy. I can't even promise to never get depressed again. But really, however I'm feeling I'd rather be with you.'

'Even at your lowest moments I still loved you, would have done anything to be near you. Don't worry ever about being true to yourself. I'm not going anywhere Jo. Not again.'

'Good,' she pressed her face against the warm skin of his neck. 'Please don't,' she felt a surge of embarrassment at the sudden tears but Pacey just held her and allowed them to sink into the collar of his shirt. At length she sniffed and pressed a kiss against her sob spot.

'All good?' he asked with a wink.

'All good,' she agreed.

'So...when can I expect to have you guys with me?' he feigned nonchalance then added casually, 'I mean, I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, but your sister has a truck and well...Dougy has got Sunday off. I'm pretty sure I could swing a few hours. It's not like you have tons of stuff, so what's say we just...I don't know, begin moving you...you know the bits and pieces tomorrow?'

'Say it,' she told him and he flushed but then shrugged causally,

'Sure, I'll say it! I don't want to wait, I want you to move in tomorrow.'

'Ok.'

'Ok?' he broke into one of the smiles that literally melted her into a pile of Pacey wanting goo.

'Sure. I'll take the crib apart in the morning and I'll borrow the truck. So long as someone can help me move it over, then tomorrow is good.'

'Do we need your bed before Sunday?' he asked. 'Or ever...'

'Not before Sunday,' she smiled, 'but yeah, I think a spare bed is good to have and your bed will make a great spare bed.'

'I totally get that you're dissing my bed but all I really care about is that you're calling it a spare bed,' he grinned and pulled her closer to kiss her.

'The thing is...' she said into the kiss.

'Yeah?'

'Well...I'm a little...nervous I guess, about not having Oren in the same room. I'm ready to move him out, I am, but it's not even like he sleeps through the night. I know he only wakes once...'

'At six,' Pacey interrupted.

'But, if he's in a different room...'

'When I get up for work,' Pacey added.

'And he'll be all alone.'

'Joey, if you want him in our room that's fine, but he'd be fine. I don't mind,' he gave her a soft look.

'Sunday we'll put your sorry excuse for a double bed in the small room with the crib and then if I need to I can be in the same room.'

'Well me too then, I go where you go.'

'Fine,' she rolled her eyes, 'but the idea is that becomes his room and we share...'

'You know having you in bed with me every night is literally a dream come true. Well with what we'll be doing maybe I should call it a fantasy.'

'We won't just be constantly doing it you know,' she scowled.

'Sure we won't,' he nodded sagely.

'Seriously Pace, I can't live up to that,' she suddenly felt a grain of worry.

'Seriously Jo I'm kidding. I know that is a teenage boy fantasy and not reality. There's no expectation here, I was teasing. I always want you but even I get tired. Just having you there beside me is always enough.'

'Well that you can have.'

'Great.'

'And I'm pretty sure I can meet most if your teenage boy fantasies too, though realistically.'

'Even better,' he smirked.

'Now let's go play pool. You can pretend I don't know how if you like? You know, get all close and leery.'

'You saying I need an excuse to get close?'

'Hey I have fantasies too,' she frowned and he chuckled.

'In that case, let me teach you how to play pool.'

**As always, my little plea to end - please review!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Thank you for all the support. I guess this is the last chapter which was eerily predicted by ****Hope8254 in a review I got as I was finishing it up. I think the story needs an epilogue and I will work on one to hopefully post soon. As always the feedback makes it easier to write so keep it coming. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed thus far.**

**Chapter Fourteen**

The leaves were beginning to turn but the weather still had a hint of warmth. Joey and Doug were enjoying a beautiful walk, Doug pushing his nephew in his stroller, Joey's arm looped through his. For a while they walked in companionable silence. Joey had always enjoyed Doug's ability to not fill every silence with meaningless chatter.

'Doug,' she said and length and he looked at her with a warm smile.

'Joey,' he matched her tone.

'Yesterday I told Pacey I'd move in with him.'

'Really?' Doug turned to look at her with wide eyes, stopping in his tracks.

'Really. It just feels..._right_, you know? Even if I were just thinking about Oren it would be right to move in. It's so lovely watching him grow and develop and Pacey misses more than he should.'

'And what about you?' Doug asked carefully.

'Oh I want to live with Pacey. You who saw me at my worst must know that I'm better?' she looked at him and Doug nodded,

'You are. I think you're even better than you were before you were sick.'

'That's probably true,' Joey admitted as they began to walk again.

'And you're ready? I mean for living with someone. The good, the bad and the ugly?'

'Yeah I think so. I'm more...robust. I think I can offer Pacey an equal relationship. It's not been all about me for a while. He had a crappy day last week and he was all kinds of grumpy. I actually helped.'

'It's important a relationship is equal,' Doug nodded thoughtfully. 'I worry about you guys. Just how young you are, how much responsibility you have at such a young age.'

'I worry about that too. A lot. I worry either one of us, maybe both of us, are going to feel the need to have that hedonistic youthful time...that not getting it might be detrimental to our family,' she admitted.

'Maybe we should stop that happening before it does,' Doug proposed.

'And how do we do that?' Joey chuckled softly.

'Well, how about you and Pacey head up to Boston? For your birthday this weekend. I'd look after Oren, well me, my mom and your sister. If it works we should make it a regular thing.'

'So how long are we talking here?' Joey narrowed her eyes.

'Leave Saturday morning and come home Sunday afternoon. Nothing drastic.'

'Wow...I mean I love the offer but I've never left Oren for longer than a couple of hours...'

'Then it's about time you did,' Doug smirked.

'I trust you, totally, but I think...'

'That you'll do it? Great. I'll book the time off work and talk to mom and Bessie.'

'I didn't say that Doug,' Joey rolled her eyes.

'But you will because it's a great idea. You're going to be turning nineteen Joey - go and act like it. You and Pacey be in love and baggage free.'

'My son is not baggage,' Joey growled and Doug wrapped an arm around her laughing,

'Very cute baggage. Baggage I love,' he clarified.

'Fine, ok, yes and thank you,' Joey smiled.

'So when are you moving in with Pacey?'

'Today,' Joey admitted with a blush. 'I was hoping you'd help me take Oren's crib over. I can move everything else on the weekend.'

'He was a little impatient to get you there, huh?'

'You could say that. Oh but if we're going to Boston we can't move the stuff then,' she frowned.

'Pack the boxes. I'm on a late shift next Monday. I'll move you then. It's not like you have that much stuff.'

'There's quite a bit of furniture now,' she pointed out.

'I have buddies you know. As does your boyfriend. We'll manage just fine.'

* * *

'Ok so we're going to have to baby proof,' Pacey bit his lip as he watched Oren crawl to his bookcase and begin to pull each book off of it.

'You wanted us,' Joey teased and Pacey pulled her close. 'And that you can't baby proof against. I told you it all just has to go higher!'

'Then higher it goes. And you're right - I want you for always,' he said and the way he said it, the sentence structure indicated so much more than if the words had been in a different order.

'Well you've got me,' she shrugged with an easy smile.

'And in five days we have a free pass to act our age,' Pacey tugged her onto his lap ignoring Oren's total destruction of his bookcase.

'Who'll watch the restaurant?'

'Bodie's going to look in. He agreed to it as part of our freedom pass that Dougy organized. The assistant manager Dan, he's pretty good. He knows his stuff.'

'I should think so - he's at least fifteen years older than you.'

'And yet he can listen to me, hence my decision to employ the man,' Pacey said and they both looked to Oren who had began to cry.

'It's all yours,' Joey slid off his lap and Pacey headed to his son scooping him up and kissing him all over.

'I have a new game for you boyo,' he said in a sing song voice. 'We put the books back on the shelf,' he dropped to the floor, the baby between his legs and Joey watched on. It was always fun to watch Pacey with the baby. It wasn't that he had endless energy, but he did have endless enthusiasm. It would probably work well living with him. It would be hard to resist him when the baby was awake but then again they'd have all night. Maybe she could try and meet all those teenage boy fantasies he was so fond of sharing with her.

'I'll go run his bath,' she murmured running a hand through Pacey's hair on her way past. He looked up at her and smiled and she realized how right it was that she and Oren be with him. 'I love you,' she said and he grinned.

'Right back at you,' he said softly as Oren turned and grabbed his neck, wrapping his little arms about him. He said the words to Joey but he pressed a sloppy kiss to the baby's neck resulting in the lovely sound of his giggles.

* * *

'Joey,' Jen threw her arms around her friend the minute they entered the station after an enjoyable train ride from Capeside. Jen dropped Joey and then grabbed Pacey who was released by Jack, who then grabbed Joey.

'How drunk are we allowed to get you birthday girl?' Jack asked with a chuckle.

'Oh I'm easy,' Joey shrugged and Jack looked between her and Pacey.

'We'll let Pacey be the judge of that,' he teased.

'I didn't mean that,' Joey smiled and smacked Jack's arm.

'Come on, come on, let's get going so we can talk without all these people everywhere. We're going to the museum of fine arts this afternoon, just you and I. These two can...I don't know go explore Jack's fraternity, then we'll go to Hells Kitchen,' Jen turned and led them out of the station.

'Hell's Kitchen?' Pacey arched an amused brow.

'Oh it'll be right up your ally,' Jen assured him.

'I'm sure,' Joey rolled her eyes, her hand finding Pacey's. As they followed their friends Pacey looked at her,

'You ok?' he asked softly.

'Actually I'm great,' she gave him a bright smile. She knew he could see her happiness written all over her when he gave her a bright smile in return.

'Oh you are,' he agreed and letting go of her hand, wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close.

'God, you'd think they never get out,' Jen moaned with a roll of her eyes, Jack just grinned and opened his car up, opening the trunk so Pacey could drop their one bag in.

'Shotgun,' Pacey stated suddenly and Joey looked at him with an open mouth.

'Traitor,' she glared but he just smirked and headed for the front seat next to Jack. Jen grabbed Joey's arm and pulled her in the back.

'We can gossip back here easier anyway. You clearly have some news to share?' Jen looked at her expectantly and Joey hesitated. It was tough with Jen - she could be referring to anything she was so damn insightful.

'Ummmm we're living together?' she queried and Jen's eyebrows shot up to her hairline.

'I was referring to the fact that you're clearly having sex again, but living together? Since when.'

'Since five days ago and how the hell do you figure that we're "clearly having sex again?"'

'Well you are, aren't you?' Jen hissed with a wicked grin.

'Well yes, but how?'

'You're at ease, a lot more at ease. There's less tension and a lot more closeness.'

'You're damn good. I mean really...' Joey shook her head.

'And?'

'You want details?' Joey flushed.

'Um yeah!' Jen rolled her eyes.

'Lovely,' Joey sighed, 'and sexy, and hot...and well, just...yeah,' her tongue poked through her teeth. 'He's really...really...really...wonderful.'

'Oh I catch your drift,' Jen chuckled, as Jack pulled over. 'This is our stop Jo. We'll catch you boys later,' Jen grabbed Joey and tugged her. Pacey looked over the seat apparently as surprised as Joey at this sudden separation. She managed to plant a kiss on his lips before Jen dragged her from the car and they were walking up a busy street.

* * *

'How on earth are we supposed to have the energy to go out tonight,' Joey sighed as they headed into Gram's place. 'And where is Grams?'

'She's away, she wanted to give us space to hang out. She went to stay with a friend. And you're nineteen tomorrow, that's how you have the energy!'

'She's sweet,' Joey said and then bit her lip, 'Gram's not just avoiding the unwed teen mother is she? I mean she had a few choice things to say to Bessie and not all of them were about Bodie being black.'

'She's changed a lot,' Jen smiled. 'She's actually going to try and be back before you guys leave tomorrow. She's just disappointed she doesn't get to see the baby.'

'I have photos,' Joey smiled.

'Oh I'm sure you do,' Jen laughed, 'now shower so we can choose clothes and do hair and makeup for tonight.'

'Hair and makeup?' Joey frowned.

'Yes birthday girl. You and Pacey have a room in the loft - it's got a double bed. Your bag is up there if Jack know's what's good for him. Bathroom is down a floor. Now hurry, hurry. We've both gotta get through the bathroom. I'll put on a pizza.'

'Wow, you're a whirlwind,' Joey muttered as she headed up the stairs.

* * *

An hour and a half later Joey and Jen pushed through the door into the busy bar. A band was up on stage and a huge crowd was dancing.

'Charlie is in the band,' Jen looked over her shoulder at Joey, 'you know Charlie?'

'Of course I know of Charlie - I actually listen to my friends now! So is it Charlie you're still sleeping with?' Joey arched a brow whilst taking in the physical perfection of Charlie for a moment, before scanning to crowd for the man she was desperate to see. She was disappointed that she couldn't find him.

'Not since I found out that several others were also sleeping with him,' Jen rolled her eyes.

'Wow,' Joey grimaced. 'Sounds like a nice guy.'

'That's the problem Joey - he is a nice guy, just well...not a monogamous one.'

'You're ok though?'

'Yeah I'm ok. I'm going to enjoy my independence for a while I think. Now what can I get you to drink?'

'Ummm...I don't know?' Joey's eyes were bright.

'Ok, you order us two vodka and cokes and I'll find the boys,' Jen said in the sudden hush that fell as the band finished a song and announced a break.

'I can't order alcohol,' Joey felt suddenly daunted at the prospect but Jen laughed so honestly that she felt a little silly. Jen gave her arm a squeeze,

'Says the mother in the room. It's your birthday Joey, so be a big girl and order some drinks. Go a little wild,' Jen instructed and Joey nodded thinking. She hadn't gone wild...well in a very, very long time. The craziest thing she'd ever done was jump on that boat with Pacey. She knew she had a reputation for being a little straight laced, well perhaps Pacey knew better than that, but it had been an awfully long time since anyone had seen that side of her. It would be a long time before Oren was old enough for her to let loose, and wasn't that why Doug had suggested they have these weekends in the first place. So they could be a little hedonistic. She turned to the bar and was about to order when the guy from the band, Jen's Charlie, slipped into the seat beside her and was saying hello in what she knew, even in her limited experience, was a bit of a come on. He was talking, slightly awkward in his mannerisms but he was leaning towards her in a telling way.

'So, you're waiting for a drink. Can I buy you one?' he asked after some casual talking, an easy smile on that perfect face of his.

'Actually, I'm good,' she shrugged stiffening and looking away from him.

And then he was talking some more, teasing and engaging her even against her will. She had to hand it to the guy - he was good. She had to admit he was smooth and somewhat charming, telling her how the way she tucked her hair behind her ear had caught his eye, fixated him on her as he sang. Apparently, according to him, he didn't normally talk to girls like this. It was his first time. Joey had played coy up until that but she couldn't resist,

'Oh really. I'll be sure to tell that to Jen.'

'Oh,' Charlie actually flushed and had the good sense to look embarrassed. 'You know Jen?'

'For many years,' Joey nodded wryly somewhat amused by his embarrassment.

'So if you and Jen are such good friends, how come I've never seen you around?'

'I'm not at college, I work,' she stated shifting slightly uneasy. She was caught between owning who she was and also a slight feeling of displacement. She could so easily have been a college student, in there having fun, but her life had taken such a different path. Part of her wanted to pretend she was what she so easily could have been, but then she wasn't disappointed with who she was either.

'Where?' he leant towards her unperturbed by her clear disinterest.

'From home,' she admitted and at the appearance of the bar man she ordered her two drinks ignoring the smirk Charlie shot her way.

'As what? You can't be more than twenty,' he frowned.

'I'm nineteen tomorrow actually,' she said it quietly having just ordered two alcoholic drinks.

'Planning to go wild?' he asked with a flirtatious smile.

'Maybe a little,' she shrugged - it was the truth after all.

'So what is it you do?' he asked again.

'I write for the Boston Globe,' she admitted, secretly pleased with the look he gave her, somewhat crossed between impressed and surprised.

'Wow. That's pretty cool,' he said and his eyes flicked over her. 'You must work pretty hard to be doing that by your age, or else you're a genius. You ever have any fun?'

'Hmmm, yeah lots,' she shrugged thinking of Pacey and her son.

'No, I mean real young person fun, not fun as in reading a good book,' he teased.

'What are you suggesting?' she frowned.

'I'm suggesting you're a little uptight,' he said it right next to her ear and she went rigid. Apparently she did not like boys who weren't Pacey up close and in her personal space.

'Because I work?' she glared at him.

'Because you're sat there looking utterly uncomfortable and totally out of your depth.'

'Thanks,' she growled sarcastically.

'Can you sing?' he surprised her by asking, an engaging smile on his face. She frowned.

* * *

Joey wasn't really sure what the hell she was doing. All she really knew was it was her birthday, she was in Boston, she'd drunk two drinks in very quick succession and then one more backstage and now she was on stage, holding a microphone whilst Charlie and his band bashed out the music on their instruments. It was totally crazy behaviour for her but she deserved to go a little crazy and this was a great way to do it. It wasn't exactly her type of music but Charlie had said that wasn't the point, the point was to have fun. It only took her moments to spot Pacey in the audience watching her with the hugest smile on his face which just served to increase her confidence as she danced and sang. It was something she had barely managed to do at school during the Miss Windjammer pageant and yet here she was singing her heart out, dancing and getting massive cheers from the crowd. It was what she supposed college was all about - testing yourself, pushing your boundaries, both academically and socially. It was liberating. She wasn't even sure how well she sang but she knew she did it with gusto, and when the song ended her eyes were on Pacey. Heedless to the cheering crowd she jumped off the front of the stage and seconds later she was in his arms and they were making out like it was the end if the world. She hadn't realized the adrenalin would be such a turn on. Jen laughed loudly and shouted next to Joey's ear,

'Charlies face is an absolute picture at this moment. I think he thought he had you.'

'Was he coming on to you?' Pacey stopped kissing her, heedless to her roving hands and glared at the stage.

'Oh yeah but it was fun. I haven't had anyone make a move on me since, well since you,' she admitted turning bright eyes to Pacey, 'and it's not like I'm interested in anyone but you. It does feel nice to not just be seen as a mom,' she shrugged and Pacey grinned easily,

'Fair point. I trust you. It makes you feel good so we're all good.'

'That's why everyone loves you Pace,' Jen said easily as Jack gave Pacey a hug.

'Come on guys, more drinks for the birthday girl and more dancing,' Jack urged leading his friends to a table he'd somehow commandeered.

* * *

'So how are you really Joey? I have had Pacey singing your praises all afternoon...' Jack began.

'Singing?' she smirked but Jack grinned and nodded,

'Literally singing,' he confirmed. 'He said your work is all change?'

'Yeah. I wrote a few test articles and well social commentary or news commentary. Apparently that's where they want me to apply my talent. I can't decide which though.'

'Social commentary,' Jack said easily without missing a beat.

'How'd you figure that?' Joey laughed.

'Acerbic wit, quick intellect, well why wouldn't you take the chance to say what you really think on all the stupid things that go on? You would be awesome.'

'Thanks,' Joey grinned. 'And you Jack? How are you?'

'I have a crush,' Jack admitted. 'But it's totally pointless.'

'Who on?'

'Pacey's big brother,' Jack admitted and Joey burst out laughing.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry,' she attempted through her giggles, 'it's really not that funny, but I've drunk a lot and well I can't imagine anyone better for Doug than you but really...you're here and he's in Capeside and well with Ethan...'

'Oh I know all that,' Jack grinned, 'doesn't stop me thinking about it. The fraternity is great but it's very testosterony!'

'That's not even a word and besides which you're pretty testosterony yourself!'

'I know but they're all straight.'

'So find a gay bar. I know a good one.'

'Ok, fair enough,' Jack stuck his tongue out at her, and they both looked up as Charlie sidled up to the table with an amused smile,

'So you have a boyfriend,' he grinned. Joey grinned broadly and looked suggestively at said boyfriend,

'Oh absolutely and I think he'll confirm I'm not uptight,' she put a hand on Pacey's leg and he turned to Charlie.

'Most definitely not uptight,' Pacey confirmed, appraising Charlie.

'Well you did great,' Charlie said and looked at Jen for a second. 'You ever want to sing with us let me know. We could make it a regular thing.'

'Actually we don't live in Boston,' Joey shrugged easily, 'but I'll tell Jen when we get our next freedom pass,' she laced her fingers with Pacey's who kissed her neck.

'Freedom pass?' Charlie seemed amused by that, 'You still live at home?'

'No we have a kid...a baby,' Joey explained drunkenly. 'He's really very cute.'

'You have a kid?' Charlie stared at them as he was joined by a tall blond girl. Joey felt Pacey tense.

'You have a kid?' the tall blond girl echoed Charlie, her eyes fixed on Pacey. Joey felt her good mood and her drunken buzz rapidly draining away.

'Audrey,' Jen had jumped up and put a hand on the other girls arm attempting to lead her away, but the girl was staying put.

'I was asking Pacey a question,' the girl was still staring at Pacey. Joey looked down, unable to look at her. She didn't want to know that Pacey had chosen a girl who was her polar opposite when she had been pregnant. It was an unnecessary hurt.

'Aud,' Jen repeated.

'Yeah, I have a little boy. He's nearly nine months old,' Pacey told her not unkindly. Joey could hear the pride in his voice though.

'You were with me when you'd got another girl pregnant?' Audrey frowned and looked between Pacey and Joey, 'I mean why would you even have the baby? Do you not want a life?' she had a confused, horrified expression on her face.

'I obviously didn't know Joey was pregnant otherwise I wouldn't have been with you.'

'That's why you finished it with me,' Audrey shook her head and Joey looked up, taking in everything about one of Pacey's other girls that she really hadn't wanted to know - the blondness, the pretty face, the big boobs.

'No,' Pacey stated clearly but Audrey began to gesture,

'Yes, that is why. Because you felt what? Some misplaced loyalty, is that why?'

'I was trying to move on,' Pacey said in frustration. 'Joey and I weren't together but I still loved her and I was trying to move on.'

'Please let's not talk about this,' Joey said and Jen tugged on Audrey's arm again, but Audrey glared at her and shrugged off her hold.

'No, no...I need answers here. I loved you Pacey,' she accused.

'And I liked you, I did, but in was in love with Joey.'

'When you found out she was pregnant.'

'No..it wasn't that, it's all a lot more complicated than that, that wasn't what happened.'

'Well you guys must be crazy, to have a baby, to think you can raise a baby. I mean you are babies yourselves,' she glared at them and Joey looked at the girl.

'We do fine,' Joey said at length with false bravado, then sighed, 'look, you think you were hurt by Pacey finishing with you? I was alone and pregnant with his baby whilst he was fucking you. Try that for hurt. But I don't care, I honestly don't care,' she looked at Pacey. 'Nobody generally try's to hurt anyone else,' she sighed. 'I'm pretty sure Pacey wasn't trying to hurt you, just as I know he wasn't trying to hurt me.'

'But he did hurt me,' Audrey scowled, 'even now he's saying I meant nothing when we were together, that he was still hung up on you, in love with you.'

'I don't think you meant nothing, that's not Pacey's style,' Joey said gently. 'But standing there and telling us we're idiots, that doesn't change anything. What occurred between Pacey and I goes way back. Just because it means a lot doesn't mean you meant nothing.'

'You're just being nice because you know he loves you,' Audrey pouted and Joey felt like rolling her eyes.

'I'm being nice because what's the point in being a bitch? I mean he didn't do any of it on purpose. He didn't know you'd love him, he didn't know I was pregnant, so just try and let it go.'

'I don't suppose holding a grudge will change anything,' Audrey admitted.

'I hope not,' Joey said honestly. 'Look why don't you sit down and have a drink with us. It's my birthday and I have a night off from being a parent. Please don't ruin it?' Joey looked at the other girl who appeared to be waging an internal debate before she sighed,

'Ok,' she rolled her eyes. 'But Charlie can leave. Everyone knows you'll sleep with any girl you can,' she told Charlie who just laughed and slipped himself into the seat next to Jen.

'Are you ok?' Pacey asked Joey quietly as the conversation around the table sparked up again, Jack and Jen thankfully chatting to Audrey.

'Yeah, actually I am. I didn't ever want to be faced with the reality of when you were apart from me, but it's not so bad. I mean I'm jealous, but I can hardly expect that no one else would fall for you whilst we weren't together. I mean even your teacher fell in love with you. I can understand a little bit how Audrey feels, but at the end of the day you're mine. I take you home. It's me you're going to be sleeping with and sleeping next to. I have your gorgeous child. I have you. I don't want to lose you because I'm jealous of someone who doesn't have you.'

'You're really, really hot when you're rational.'

'Oh good,' she giggled and Pacey pulled her closer.

'Have I told you how incredibly turned on I am after watching you sing?'

'Maybe once or twice,' she smirked.

'Well double it.'

'Well then later should be fun,' she winked at him.

'I'll give you your gift later too.'

'Is that your way of letting me know that my gift, well it's a two way thing?'

'A two way thing?' he frowned.

'_Sex_,' she whispered in his ear and he laughed.

'_Sex_,' he whispered back, 'is only part of your gift. I love you, you're the mother of my child, I thought I should get you more than _sex_,' he whispered the word again, 'for your birthday.'

'No need to make fun of me,' she told him primly and gave an exaggerated sniff.

'I just like the way you say _sex_ like it's our dirty little secret. I heard you in the back of the car earlier telling Jen how wonderful it is,' he gave her a cocky little smile and she stared at him.

'Well I lied,' she shrugged easily.

'You did not,' he immediately sat up straight, utterly offended.

'It's more phenomenal than wonderful. I mean you're quite creative, and whilst I knew you had a dirty mind I didn't know all those fantasies you kept going on about would be so much fun to fulfil. I mean I actually thought that if we lived together I might get a lie in, but I know exactly why you set your alarm for five thirty each morning and it's nothing to do with getting down to the restaurant for six thirty and everything to do with the little escapades you decided to initiate when that alarm goes off...'

'It's not like you're complaining,' he gave her a soft look.

'Well no...I did mention the word phenomenal didn't I?' she returned his look.

'I promise tomorrow you get a lie in,' he said and she kissed him,

'Well I better! On a serious note though, what will happen when this wears off?' she asked and Pacey stared at her in confusion.

'Wears off? What are we talking about? The booze?'

'No...you know the at it like bunny rabbits thing?'

'Oh that,' he frowned. 'Well I suppose when life gets busy and we do it less, well it'll just make those times feel even better,' he said easily.

'So you're not going to become all dissatisfied and start searching for...for...fresh meat?'

'_Fresh meat_?' he looked vaguely disgusted, 'no I won't be looking for anyone else. Joey, I know you won't always want to do it twenty four seven. There will be days when I piss you off, days when you're sick, days when you're just not in the mood. You can make it up to me with extra sex on the other days.'

'Pacey,' she protested.

'I'm sorry,' he laughed, 'but seriously who knows how our lives will ebb and flow. I've wanted you for a long time and I can't see it changing. I know we have to work on a relationship, every successful relationship needs work. I also know there are times when we'll have more sex and times when we'll have less. We went through a year long dry spell and it wasn't like I went anywhere.'

'But you did,' Joey frowned, 'the evidence of that is sat at this table.'

'That was different, we weren't together. I thought we were trying to move on.'

'So you promise that if we fight or whatever, if you really need it you'll still seek it from me and no one else.'

'Joey, you and Oren mean more to me than anything. I promise I won't be looking for it or anything else anywhere but at our home.'

'Good, now let's dance so we can be closer.'

'Sure,' he grinned and took her hand.

* * *

'Well now, I think this reminds me more of my carefree days than getting drunk last night,' Joey moaned softly as Pacey wrapped himself around her, pulling her naked form against him.

'You woke up like this yesterday,' he pointed out.

'Yesterday our alarm clock was a crying baby at six am as you didn't set your alarm. Today we woke up when we were ready at,' she looked over at the clock, 'ten thirty. And listen, the house is still silent.'

'It's weird because this is so nice, but I actually miss the small guy,' Pacey pressed a kiss to her neck.

'Me too,' Joey admitted snuggling back against him and placing his hand on her upper thigh making what she wanted clear.

'I thought I wore you out. That's what you were complaining about in a very loud and drunken voice last night,' he teased.

'I've reenergized. I mean I've slept for nine hours, I feel great,' she reached over to the bedside table for a mint and then turned in his arms so she could look at him and press her lips to his.

'No fair,' he protested and reached across her for a mint, returning a second later. 'You had fun last night?' he asked and she nodded, her hand trailing across his butt. 'So birthday girl, do you want your gift? Now it's your actual birthday and all?'

'Hmmmm,' she murmured with a devious smile as she rolled them over so that she was on top of him, moving her body until they were blissfully connected. She grinned.

'Not what I meant,' he chuckled but then proceeded to kiss her, loving her confidence and the languid manner in which she made love in the morning.

* * *

'Here,' he handed her a cup of coffee. 'You done?' he indicated the expresser lying on the bed and the bottle of milk on the bedside table.

'Yep, not that Oren will drink any of it and nor would I give it to him after all I drank last night. I spoke to Doug. Oren was pretty upset at bedtime without me there to feed him, but he had a little milk from a cup. Wouldn't go anywhere near the bottle.'

'Don't feel guilty,' Pacey put his coffee on the beside table and slipped back into bed.

'I don't,' she protested, 'well ok maybe a little. I hate the thought of him crying for me and me not being there. I also hate the thought of Doug having to deal with that.'

'He'll have coped just fine,' Pacey nudged her and then took her hand.

'I miss him,' she admitted.

'You'll see Doug in just a few hours, no need to miss him,' Pacey joked and she turned scathing eyes on him. He chuckled, 'I can't wait to see the baby either. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach when it's been too long, like this edginess to get to him, this protective drive to be near him and hold him.'

'Oh me too,' she looked at him relieved, 'it's not like I'm not loving being free like this, I am, but I still miss him.'

'Well here let me distract you...' Pacey began.

'You've distracted me twice already this morning,' she said smiling when he tolled his eyes at her,

'Here, happy birthday,' Pacey passed her a gift bag and a card. 'You better open it now and then shower because I'm pretty sure Jen is organizing a nice little shindig downstairs as we speak.'

'She is?' Joey wasn't all that good with surprises.

'Chill Jo, just some cake, Gretchen is popping over and Jack is here already. Small and fun.'

'I should get dressed now then. I do need a shower,' she bit her lip.

'First, you should open my gift,' he nudged the bag.

'Ok,' she smiled and delved into the gift bag pulling out a cd. 'Some new music,' she grinned looking at the cd.

'Hopefully you'll like them. It's a bit different...' Pacey shrugged and she stared at the White Stripes album.

'I just like music,' she said easily and kissed him. 'Thank you.'

'There's more you know,' he nodded at the bag and so she reached back into it, pulling out some chocolates.

'What birthday is complete without chocolate?' she smiled.

'And more,' he repeated.

'Ok,' she smiled and reached into the bag again pulling out a box. 'What is it?'

'A gift, now open it,' Pacey leaned up on one arm as she opened the box.

'That's pretty,' she said in a confused voice. It was a very beautiful ring and she didn't need to be an expert to know it must have cost him a fair amount. Well a lot for the two of them.

'Don't panic, you'll know when I ask you to marry me and this isn't that,' he chuckled and she was surprised by the tiny amount of disappointment. It wasn't that she was ready to marry Pacey, she really wasn't, but she couldn't deny the part of her that thought it would be nice. She did note his use of the term when rather than if.

'I wasn't panicking,' she protested but he gave her a look and then a smile,

'You were and that's fine. It's a ring because I love you. Because you have been through so much. Because we have an eternity ahead of us of shared experiences, whether we stay together or not. I hope we stay together. I trust that we will. I just wanted to give you something that expressed how much you mean to me. I don't know where I'd be without you in all honesty. You said, back when we first slept together again, you said that we'd saved you. You've not been privy to all my thoughts this last year, but I'm pretty sure if you had you'd understand that you saved me too.'

'I love it,' she said simply and kissed him for a long, unhurried moment, pouring her love into the kiss.

'It's um for you know - _that finger_ - but on your right hand. I measured it when you were asleep so it should fit,' he picked the ring up out of the box and she held out her hand. It wasn't that it felt symbolic when he pushed the ring on her finger - Joey knew they were a long way off marriage - but it felt right. Whether they stayed together or not, and like Pacey she hoped that they would, they would be connected forever and the ring felt emblematic of that. 'It looks beautiful,' he said staring down at the gold band with it's three small diamonds embedded on it.

'My first bit of bling ever,' she said solemnly and he grinned at her.

'I'll go blingier for my next effort,' he teased but she kissed him again,

'No don't, this is perfect.'

'You're not...disappointed that I wasn't asking you to marry me?' he asked after a moment and she looked at him, met his piercing blue eyes.

'Of course I was a little disappointed. I quite like the idea of being your wife, but one day. I'm not ready and you're not ready and things are working really well with the whole simple thing.'

'That's kind of how I feel. You must know my dad has been applying all kinds of pressure?'

'Yeah I figured. Remember Pace, we can't listen to people outside of this. You don't need to worry that I want that now. We'll know when it's right and that is not right now. Your dad can hark on all he wants but this relationship is ours.'

'You wanna say that to him?' Pacey asked optimistically and she frowned.

'Never,' she shook her head with a smirk and then looked to the door when there was a bang on it,

'Ok, so please don't be having sex,' Jen said through the door.

'We're not,' Joey rolled her eyes and Jen opened the door.

'I know you might want to spend the rest of the day in bed but your train leaves in three hours, so shower and get downstairs,' she said bossily. 'Ooh what did you get?' she added the latter after spotting the gift bag.

'Cd, chocolate and this,' Joey held up her hand. Jen grabbed it,

'Wow Pace, you have nice taste and clearly your restaurant is doing ok!' Jen teased lightly. 'Now shower, but not together because Grams got home about ten minutes ago. When you come down be sure to bring your photos.'

'Sure,' Joey nodded.

* * *

Joey was a little worried about crushing the baby as she held him tightly, his little body next to hers as she completely ignored Doug and wished Pacey would step away and leave the baby entirely to her. She felt wholly possessive though she knew that wasn't exactly fair. She kissed Oren all over his face before grudgingly allowing Pacey some of the reunion action.

'It's been just over twenty four hours,' Doug shook his head.

'But I missed him,' Joey protested.

'We missed him,' Pacey clarified.

'Well I for one had fun,' Doug teased.

'Oh we had fun,' Pacey was sure to let his brother know, 'tons of fun. Joey got drunk and sang on stage in front of hundreds of people.'

'It wasn't hundreds,' she protested at Doug's dropped jaw.

'Oh I think it was a couple of hundred,' Pacey informed her taking Oren's bag into the apartment and putting on the kettle. 'I should go check on the restaurant,' he told them reluctantly and Joey nodded,

'You do that,' she told him.

'You just want to hog the baby,' he muttered. 'I could take him down with me.'

'No, I _need_ to feed him,' she said a little smugly.

'Go Pacey,' Doug shooed him out of the apartment, 'check the place over, check the books, check on all the disasters that occurred in your absence and then we can book in your getaway for next month.'

'You are the best brother in the entire world,' Pacey grinned walking backwards out of the apartment.

'I'm your only brother,' Doug deadpanned. 'Now go.'

'I'll be back soon,' he said.

'I'll be fine,' Joey murmured sitting down and allowing Oren to nurse. 'How much milk did he actually drink?'

'He drank a fair bit from his sippy cup,' Doug shrugged. 'I guess about two hundred mls over the time you were away.'

'I guess that's ok,' she frowned. 'How did he sleep?'

'Like I said on the phone he was a little late to bed, maybe eight thirty, but he slept until seven.'

'Seven! Why does he do that for you and never us?' she asked rhetorically as she kissed the baby's head. 'He poop?'

'Twice. Bes changed one and I did the other.'

'Ok...' she nodded.

'Any more questions? You want to know how much he napped? Where he napped? What he wore? How many diapers I used?' he was grinning.

'Ha ha,' she rolled her eyes.

'So let's see the ring on,' Doug sat down next to her and took her hand, 'it looks very pretty,' he told her, 'Pacey sometimes surprises me.'

'He surprises me too,' Joey nodded.

'You had fun?'

'I had a lot of fun. I can't really thank you enough.'

'What are family for,' he said easily. Joey took his hand with hers and squeezed it.

'I know a secret,' she said a second later and Doug pursed his lips and looked at her.

'About?'

'Someone who has a crush on you!' she teased.

'What, Jack?' Doug chuckled.

'I never said it was Jack,' she protested flushing.

'Joey you have three gay friends including me. I'm dating one so the person with the crush can only be the other.'

'Well fine, but you guessed. I didn't tell you.'

'Don't worry, I'm actually very flattered. I mean Jack is a little young for me but he's cute as hell.'

'Can I tell him that?' she turned bright eyes on him.

'No, and you can't tell him you have a friend that thinks that either.'

'Fine,' she grumbled and they sat in silence for a moment or two.

'Oh, I have your present for you,' he said and headed to the door and rummaged in his bag, 'happy birthday,' he handed her the packet. She opened it carefully, with one hand revealing a simple gold locket on a chain.

'Wow it's beautiful!' she felt a little overwhelmed.

'Pacey and I went shopping together,' Doug admitted. 'I put pictures of Pace and Oren in there,' he opened the locket so she could see.

'I love it, I really do,' she swiped at a tear.

'Good,' was all he said. 'Now I know you're tired, but the family and by that I mean all of my lot and all of yours, well they wanted to do a birthday dinner downstairs. Dad's buying which you know is rare.'

'That sounds great,' she told him sincerely and passed him Oren as she fixed on her new necklace.

'Beautiful,' he smiled. She surprised them both when she threw her arms about him and hugged him close.

'Thank you.'

'Anytime.'

* * *

Joey couldn't sleep. It wasn't that Pacey's bed was uncomfortable, which it was, extremely so which was why she had insisted that it would become the spare bed. However, the poor mattress didn't normally effect her sleep, somehow with Pacey curled around her she usually managed to sleep just fine. The moon was bright, his inadequate curtains did little to block out the dappled moonlight that danced across the room, but that hadn't caused her insomnia either. Dinner had been fun. Really fun. She'd looked around the table, watched as Pacey ensured things ran smoothly, watched John Witter joke with Bodie, watched Alexander play cards with Kerry's kids and she realized that not only was she better, but her life was better that it ever had been before. She could actually use the word _better_ and it was true. She felt stronger as a person as well. She could see the precipice she'd been on before but she could also see ways around the edge. It was as if the world had a new clarity to it. She knew her depression had brought the people around the table together, even the ones missing - Gretchen, Anna, Jen and Jack. They'd all helped her help herself and in a small way they'd all been brought together by doing so. Leaning over she put a hand on Pacey's shoulder and shook him gently.

'Hmmmm huh,' he mumbled in his sleep.

'Pace,' she said his name and his blue eyes opened and caught hers. Even though she'd woken him he smiled at her, as always he was beautiful in the moonlight.

'Jo,' he reached a hand to her face and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, not because it was necessary, it was just a way to touch her.

'I just...I wanted to tell you that I'm better. I mean really better,' she said the words clearly, at odds with his half dozing expression.

'That makes me very happy,' he tugged her closer, his lips touching hers.

'Me too,' she told him honestly and snuggled into his arms.

**Please review! I love to know what you think.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Hi and thanks for the patience. Here is part one of the epilogue. Part two and three are nearly done. They need some work and part three needs to be finished but I have a couple of evenings this weekend so hopefully. The epilogue has kind of turned into a story of its own. This is the simplest part! Please review! **

**Epilogue - Part One**

**_Three and a half years later_**

Joey held the cellphone against her ear with her shoulder as she pushed out of the building into the bright New York sunshine.

'Pick up, pick up,' she muttered.

'So?' Pacey's voice was expectant.

'Thanks to Bill's shiny reference...'

'You got it,' he whooped and then yelled, 'she got it,' and Joey had to hold the phone away from her ear at the general melee on the other end. 'Will you make the three o'clock train?' he asked above the noise.

'I should think so,' she ginned into the phone suddenly desperate to be at home. 'Ask Sophie if she can sit for Oren. I want to celebrate properly tonight.'

'So does everyone else,' Pacey laughed and Joey knew she must look ridiculous with the smile on her face but it was hard to wipe it off. 'And Sophie is already booked.'

'That was a little risky, what if I hadn't got the job?'

'You were always going to get that job,' Pacey rolled his eyes. She couldn't see it so she couldn't be sure, but if she knew him then that's what he was doing.

'We're going to have more money than we know what to do with,' Joey laughed.

'Oh I have a few ideas,' Pacey was laughing too.

'I know, I know, there's a boat you've got your eye on,' she teased.

'Something like that,' he chuckled, 'now get your beautiful self on that three o'clock train. Either Dougy or I will be there to get you.'

'See you soon,' she said, 'it's due in at 6.40 so hopefully I'll get to kiss Oren goodnight.'

'I'm proud of you Jo,' he said and then he was gone from the other end.

* * *

'Hey baby,' Joey crept into her sons nautically themed room.

'Mommy,' Oren grinned at her, his hair a mass of brown curls, his big blue eyes looking at her with nothing but joy. Crossing the room Joey slid into bed beside him, 'I missed you,' he pressed his warm face into the nape of her neck.

'Not nearly as much as I missed you,' she told him holding him close.

'You got a new job,' he stated, clearly not understanding what that meant.

'I sure did. I now write for the New York Times.'

'Does that mean we're moving to New York?' he gave her a serious look.

'No, we're staying right here.'

'Well then, I'm proud of you,' he stated with an impish grin clearly channelling his father. She chuckled.

'You have a fun day with Aunty Gretchen and Uncle Doug?'

'They gave me ice cream and let me watch a whole movie.'

'What movie?' she smiled at him.

'Um...Shrek.'

'You like it?'

'I liked the donkey.'

'What flavour ice cream?'

'Banilla.'

'Is that banana and vanilla or just vanilla?'

'Just banilla,' he grinned. 'Then I got this car, one that I had to make out of lego, it was a really great car and it went super fast and uncle Doug raced me but I won and so he cheated.'

'He cheated?'

'He then won but he cheated, and he just waves his police badge around and says he's the police so that means he doesn't cheat.'

'I'm sure he did,' Joey smirked.

'I was happy today but a little bit sad from missing you.'

'Well we get all day tomorrow together.'

'Yeah that's true. Can we pick up pebbles tomorrow?'

'We can pick up pebbles,' she confirmed.

'Oh and stones.'

'Are stones and pebbles not the same?' she asked.

'I'll show you tomorrow,' he smiled and she kissed his cheeks.

'Night, night lovely boy,' she got out of the bed and tucked him in. 'See you in the morning, I love you.'

'Mmmm,' he murmured and she thought he might already be asleep. She pushed out of his room and Pacey almost instantly had her wrapped in his arms,

'Do I get you now?' he asked planting a kiss on her lips, 'I mean I missed you too,' he kissed her again.

'I can tell,' she chuckled, 'but Sophie is sat right there,' she looked pointedly over his shoulder to the high school senior smirking on the couch. 'Hi Sophie.'

'Hi Joey,' she had her lap top set up on the coffee table.

'Sophie doesn't care if I kiss you,' Pacey grumbled, 'she's seen worse.'

'Unfortunately,' Joey and Sophie said at the same time.

'You've always assured me that my ass is a fine attribute,' his hands grabbed her ass.

'It was mortifying not unpleasant,' Sophie said helpfully from the couch.

'You shouldn't have been mortified, he should have,' Joey said as she smiled.

'But I was,' Sophie said and Joey shrugged,

'We're just glad you came back.'

'And that you didn't tell anyone,' Pacey added.

'Oh I told a ton of people,' she rolled her eyes, 'I mean they all go into the Icehouse - it was worthy gossip.'

'Ok,' Pacey nodded a couple of times, a tinge of red on his cheeks, 'let's go chat in the bedroom whilst you change,' he took Joey's hand.

'Don't worry Pacey, they were all jealous,' Sophie called after them and Joey laughed into Pacey's stoic shoulder.

'I don't mind if you want to show me it now,' she gave him a coquettish look.

'Oh I'd love that...I'm not sure Sophie would but I would. However, we're due downstairs in about five, so if you want to change, nows the time to do it.'

'Well I do,' she agreed and began to strip off all her clothes, watching Pacey watch her.

'I have to touch when you look like that,' he said at length stepping closer to her.

'Touching leads to lateness,' she arched her brows and took a seductive step away.

'So are we telling everyone about your lateness tonight?' he asked taking a step nearer and allowing his hands to track over her skin. Joey flushed, but stepped a little closer.

'I don't know,' she looked down.

'You're over three months Jo and it's not like it was an accident,' he told her gently.

'I just worry that people are going to judge us,' her fear had put off their decision for at least six months. They knew they wanted Oren to have siblings and they knew they wanted them to be relatively close. It wasn't an irresponsible decision. Joey's job was incredibly stable, despite the change - she had successfully transitioned to social commentary and had a large following both in hard copy and especially on the internet. Her new contract was even more secure than her old one. Pacey had taken the loan for the restaurant over a year earlier but their costs were still relatively low and between them they made a good income. Profits from the restaurant more than covered the loan and costs and so financially they were better off than Joey thought they'd have been even ten years after college. So financially the decision was sensible. Emotionally Joey was good. She hadn't had a relapse of her depression. She had good days and bad days, but the dark and prevailing sadness had never descended again. It was hard to remember those days clearly, but she knew she took preventative measures. She and Pacey still ran, and they ate well, they took time for themselves and each other and she continued to see her therapist on and off. That was the other thing, she and Pacey were stronger than ever. They didn't argue often but when they did it cleared the air, they resolved stuff. They could irritate each other but that had always been true, now they let off steam in a different and much more enjoyable way. But still, she felt there would be judgement and she wasn't looking forward to it. They were still so young, but she wanted one family, not two and waiting until they were an "appropriate" age would result in such a huge age gap that her children would hardly grow up together.

'The people that judge us don't know us. This wasn't a decision we made lightly Jo. We thought about it long and hard and worked it through.'

'We might not have another Oren,' she bit her lip. Oren had turned out to be an easy child, even in their limited experience they recognized that. He'd learnt to talk at an extremely young age and was generally peaceful and agreeable. He hadn't thrown the tantrums they expected, and was good at self entertainment. He was loving and kind and surprisingly good at sharing. He had his moments, but they knew it could have been different if he'd had a different personality.

'Given that there are two in there, it's likely that one of them will be a tough one!' Pacey grinned.

'What if they both are?' she asked, her real worries coming out.

'You are in a really good place this time Jo. This didn't happen to you, we chose it. You're seeing your therapist as a preventive measure, you're looking after yourself, there's no reason you won't cope really well.'

'But what if twins is too much? I mean...'

'We're in it together as always,' he reassured her. 'The ring on this hand,' he held up her left hand, 'the words we said three months ago, you know that whole wedding thing where we swore to be in it together, forever, well whatever happens over the next seventy years of our lives, I'm there.'

'Seventy?' she arched a brow, but stared at her wedding ring.

'I'm optimistic.'

'Ok, I'll stop over worrying and we can tell everyone tonight.'

'Jo, I know worry can't be switched off, you don't need to feel like I'm brushing away your concerns because I'm not. They're perfectly valid. I imagine two boys like me and I'm terrified,' he said and she couldn't help but laugh.

'Ok, that scares me a little, though you turned out pretty good.'

'Thanks,' he grinned, 'now get dressed before Sophie catches a glimpse of your mighty fine ass.'

'Ok, ok,' she pulled on a pair of leggings and a skirt figuring she'd wear her boots. She teemed the funky skirt with a black hoody and Pacey chuckled,

'Well it hides evidence until we say it,' she explained, 'and it's really comfy and smells of you.'

'I smell of me, just nestle next to me all night.'

'Sure,' she said easily and took his hand. 'Come on then.'

* * *

Pacey had put three tables together in order to seat everyone. Kerry was there with her new boyfriend Steve, a firefighter and nice guy. She'd obviously booked a sitter because the kids weren't there. John and Mary were sat together but John was talking to Jack who was sat next to Doug. After graduating from his teacher training Jack had moved back to Capeside to take up an opening in the English Department at the high school. It wasn't long before he and Doug were dating, not that anyone who knew them were surprised. Mary was talking to Gretchen in what looked to be a motherly fashion, whilst Jen and Bessie were laughing together. Bodie was listening into their conversation with Hal, Gretchen's now husband.

'Joey,' Jen spotted them and suddenly, in typical Witter fashion, everyone was talking at once, heedless to the general din and the inability of anyone to answer any questions, or even focus on the conversation in general.

'Hush now,' Doug used his best sheriff voice and the din broke as Pacey and Joey slipped into the two empty seats. 'I haven't seen Joey that shade of red since these two tied the knot and Pacey got a little handsy on the dance floor.'

'Ha ha,' Joey rolled her eyes. 'Lets order and then talk because I haven't eaten since breakfast.'

'Joey,' Pacey instantly protested.

'I ate a really, really big breakfast,' she hastened to reassure him, as he waved the attentive waitress over. Joey honestly felt sorry for whoever had to serve them because there had to be a bit if pressure when you served the boss and his entire family. They all ordered and then Bessie piped up,

'So tell us the details and please don't say you're moving to New York.'

'We're not moving to New York,' Joey stated, 'but I will have to visit a few times a year.'

'Was the office nice? I heard they have chill out rooms,' Jack leaned toward her.

'Something like that,' she said, 'it's busy, really busy.'

'And?'

'And I'll be doing pretty much what I did at the Globe just for more money and with a greater readership.'

'Your readership has always been phenomenal, the internet proves that - I mean how many articles went viral?' Doug had always been her biggest fan, well except for Pacey.

'That was a rhetorical question,' Joey glared at Pacey before he dare answer it.

'We didn't doubt you'd get it Joey,' John stated. 'If anyone could do it it's you, you have sure shown the naysayers!'

'Thats true,' Gretchen said, 'you've even shown the people that knew you could do it a thing about making your own future.'

'I was lucky enough to get a good opportunity,' Joey shrugged, 'and I was exceedingly lucky that the bad place I was in fitted in with what the Globe wanted at the time. I could still be working at the diner.'

'You'd have been working at the Icehouse,' Gretchen quipped and Joey rolled her eyes.

'You've done seriously well,' Bodie reiterated.

'I wasn't even worried for you when you were in that interview,' Bessie praised.

'Is that because I'm so gracious and charming in interviews?' Joey teased, and the conversation around the table sparked up again, nobody able to keep quiet for long.

'You can be charming and you know it,' Bessie said across the table.

'Yeah, you turned it on and off at the Icehouse One,' Jen grinned. They'd all taken to calling the original Icehouse the Icehouse One. Nobody was really sure where it had began though Joey was suspicious that it came from a dodgy bedtime story Doug had told Oren one night.

'I try to always be sincere these days,' Joey said, 'I just don't always succeed when it comes to serving the public.'

'Believe me gorgeous, neither do I,' Pacey squeezed her hand and leant towards her whispering in her ear, 'rather than announcing it shall I broken telephone the news?'

'Huh?' she frowned.

'You know, I'll tell Bodie and we'll see how long it takes Steve to turn and congratulate me.'

'Sure,' she laughed.

'It'll be fun,' he grinned wickedly and leaning across Joey tapped Bodie on the shoulder before whispered in his ear, 'Joey's expecting twins next May,' he then patted Bodie's back, smirking at the mans stunned expression. Bodie stared at Joey a moment.

'Are you ok?' Bessie asked him and he turned to her and whispered in her ear.

'Joey you're having twins!?' Bessie's loud voice rang out across the restaurant as she turned to stare at her sister and the table fell silent, all of them turning to stare at Joey and Pacey.

'We forgot about my sister's loud mouth,' she hissed.

'That we did,' he hissed back, then grinned awkwardly, 'surprise!'

'Is this a joke?' Doug frowned slightly and Joey sighed, but took a deep breath as Pacey took her hand.

'It wasn't an accident,' she defended.

'Oh Joey hunny, I wasn't asking because I thought it was an accident, I just didn't want to get all excited and have you be tricking me. I can't believe it's twins!' He grinned at her and pushed out his chair before moving around the table and pulling her into a hug, 'I'm not surprised you two decided to have another, it's no secret you wanted Oren to have siblings.'

'Oh,' she pressed her teary eyes against him, and then she realized no one had been judging, they'd just been a little stunned at the news it was twins. They'd all apparently been expecting them to have another and there was very little surprise at that aspect of the news. Gretchen who was expecting a baby in the April was particularly thrilled, and Kerry, joey's biggest fan couldn't have been happier. John actually turned gruff with emotion, but then it was Joey's depression that had in many ways pulled his family back together.

* * *

'Will, it, um...you know, be safe?' Doug asked Joey when they were waiting on dessert, people's places at the table constantly shifting. 'I remember last time.' Joey frowned for a moment. At first she'd thought he was referring to her dark days, but then she remembered that it was Doug and Pacey who'd turned up on a morning expecting to find her there only to find blood everywhere.

'You mean what happened last time when Oren was born right? Not my depression?'

'I mean when he was born,' Doug confirmed and Joey noticed that Bessie was now listening in, as was Kerry.

'Well that was never going to be easy...I mean we wouldn't have tried for another if the doctor didn't think it could be achieved without risk to me or the baby,' Joey began.

'The fact that it's twins ups the risk,' Pacey admitted his hand finding hers.

'They'll monitor them closely, I mean really closely, and they may make the decision to deliver them early. We just have to see.'

'You have to keep a really close track on your body Joey,' Kerry stated.

'She's right. Any pain, any bleeding, anything,' Bessie concurred.

'And you must take it easy,' Kerry added.

'Oh yeah, that'll be easy with a four year old to run after.'

'You don't know how lucky you are with that kid,' Bessie said and Kerry nodded vehemently.

'I know he's pretty chilled,' Joey began.

'Understatement of the century,' Bessie laughed.

'He still likes to do a lot of stuff!'

'Thats true,' Kerry nodded, 'luckily he has a ton of doting aunts, uncles and cousins, not to mention adoring grandparents.'

'I will appreciate all help I get. I know better than to not accept it. You guys have always been amazing.'

'And this time you have your handsome husband on hand,' Doug grabbed his little brother around the neck and messed with his hair.

'That's true,' Joey looked at Pacey with a soft look.

'You guys are endlessly pathetic,' Bessie grumbled.

'We're newly weds,' Pacey protested entwining his hand with Joey's, 'we're supposed to be pathetic.'

'I think it was the endlessly part you should be focussing on little brother,' Doug informed him affectionately.

'Are you going to find out if they're boys or girls?' Kerry asked as Gretchen joined them.

'You have to,' Gretchen instructed, 'I can't wait. And even if I wanted to Hal is absolutely adamant.'

'Well no,' Pacey answered simply. 'We know they're fraternal so it could be any combination but no.'

'Oh,' Gretchen deflated.

'Just in case...you know it goes wrong...we just decided it would be...not better not to know...it just keeps our expectations...'

'Hey it's ok,' Doug interrupted her, 'we get it.'

'It's not that we're anticipating anything. Obviously we expect it all to go well, but just in case...'

'So does Oren know?' Kerry eyed Joey's large hoody.

'Well he's Oren,' Joey rolled her eyes.

'Meaning he's suspicious and has asked pointed questions?' Gretchen chuckled.

'Meaning exactly that. It doesn't help that Pace is belly obsessed.'

'Last time I got to touch it once,' he defended and she looked at him with that soft and slightly wanton look again.

'Well this time I can't do anything without finding your hands there.'

'You're gorgeous, you're my wife and I really love you, of course my hands are there.'

'You are a little handsy,' Gretchen told him.

'It's true,' Bessie agreed, 'you literally have to be touching her the whole time.

'Well it goes both ways,' Pacey defended.

'That's fair,' Doug nodded.

'Oh I'm not as bad as him,' Joey shook her head.

'Face it Jo, you love the proximity. And you know what, there's nothing wrong with that,' Bessie shrugged.

'You know what I agree,' Joey smirked, 'I like touching him, it's not inappropriate so why stop?'

'I think your babysitter might disagree with the whole not inappropriate thing...' Doug teased.

'That was _one_ time,' Pacey growled.

* * *

'So I think they took it pretty well,' Pacey murmured into her neck.

'Hmmm.'

'Are you asleep?'

'Hmmmm.'

'But they did take it well?' Pacey grinned against her, holding her naked form against him, loving the soft curve of her stomach.

'Well it was hardly a secret that we didn't want Oren to be an only child,' Joey grumbled giving up on sleep and turning to face Pacey.

'I know. You don't regret it do you?'

'We thought long and hard over this, why would I regret it?'

'Not the babies,' Pacey kissed her nose.

'Then what?'

'I don't know, how life turned out?' Pacey was clearly serious and so Joey thought about it. It wasn't the life she had imagined when she was younger. Well it was, but there would have been a lot between school and where she was now. She had known, or thought she'd known that Pacey was the guy for her from the minute she fell for him. It was immediately different than anything and despite all that happened she knew now that it had been something special. Then of course life had disintegrated around her when he had ended things and left.

'I sometimes try to imagine what my life would have been like if everything up to prom occurred but if I hadn't been pregnant.'

'And what do you imagine it would have been like?' Pacey's eyes glinted in the moonlight.

'Hmmm...I imagine I'd have been sad. I imagine I would have gone to Worthington and taken things very seriously, you know thrown myself into my studies. I would have inevitably tried to distract from the hurt by going after Dawson...'

'Wait a second there Jo, you think you'd have gone after Dawson?' Pacey scowled and Joey ran a hand through his hair.

'It would follow the pattern so that's what I imagine. Whenever something scared me I would head towards safety,' she said it softly. 'I don't think it would have just been Dawson, I guess I would have dated other guys, I don't know whether you and I would have come back together like we did if what happened hadn't happened. Does that make sense? If I hadn't been depressed, and I hadn't had Oren...'

'You wouldn't have been short of offers,' Pacey admitted and they shared a smile. 'So dating and college. Would you have travelled?'

'Well I'd probably have jetted off to Paris with some beau or another.'

'Like we jetted off to Paris?' Pacey smirked.

'We didn't just jet off to Paris,' Joey rolled her eyes and Pacey grinned. When Oren was two they had spent a month travelling through Europe starting in England before travelling to Paris, then down through France to Italy. They'd hired a sail boat from there and island hopped around Greece before a final week in Turkey. After that it was hard to resist and each year they took a couple of weeks to explore somewhere new including Mexico, Canada and finally Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia for their three week honeymoon. Joey knew they spent money they could have easily saved for other things but it was something they both loved to do. It was something she had always wanted to do, to see more of the World than just Capeside. And because they saved effectively they could do so without a detrimental impact on other aspects of their lives. They paid no rent on the apartment and so they managed to save more and more for their collective funds. The Globe had increasingly raised her pay and the extra was always split between pots. Any bonus pay she'd earn't had also been split. The globe had done one further feature on her and that had definitely helped their travel fund. And she and Pacey weren't generally flash with their money. Aside from their monthly trips to Boston and New York they actually spent very little.

'No we didn't just go to Paris,' Pacey said warmly but then frowned, 'do you regret that I'm the only one?'

'What do you mean?'

'The only guy...you know...' he gave her a look.

'Oh sweetie, I slept with at least five guys when we weren't together,' she told him gently and then pinched his cheek lightly, 'no I don't regret that you're my only one. I don't even regret that I'm not your only one. I could have slept with other guys, I guess in this alternate reality I would have, I would have had different relationships, but I think for me, for the person I am, it's kind of perfect that it's just been you.'

'And it's not like you don't flirt,' Pacey stated, kissing her and grinned.

'I don't flirt,' her mouth dropped open.

'You do, and that's fine because at the end of the day you're mine.'

'You're sweet,' she kissed his lips lightly.

'So back to my original question, do you regret it?'

'I think the answer is very obvious, but you sound like you need some reassurance so let me expand. No. I don't regret it. I have a job I love. That I really love. I have plenty of time with my child. I have a great home. And I have you Pace. You make me very happy. You want to give me the world and you quite literally do. I know that when the kids are at school and I want to go to college...'

'You won't even have to ask,' he nodded.

'And if I want to see Australia...'

'It's the next place we'll go.'

'Exactly. We didn't get the care free youth the others got. We got one night a month, but we did get everything else. Besides which I'll only be thirty six when Oren heads off to college.'

'Ok,' he rubbed her arm.

'What's brought this all on? Why do you ask?'

'Jen and I were talking yesterday...she didn't mean anything by it...'

'But?'

'Well she just indicated that you've never really had any time to be you, you know to explore who you are. To be independent and...'

'Pacey,' Joey looked at him with wide eyes.

'Joey,' he looked at her.

'It's true. Absolutely true. Except for the year I had depression. Funny thing was that taught me a lot about what was really important to me, a lot about who I wanted to be. I loved you through it all and when we came together, well that felt right. Part of my recovery was recognizing who I am, who I wanted to be. That year taught me more than anything else could have. Pace, we've had so much fun. We have old friends who haven't gone anywhere, new friends, family. We have a party venue downstairs. We're never lonely and we do exactly what we want to do. All I ever wanted to be was a writer. Sure I liked to paint, and I still do, but you knew that was what I really wanted to do. I don't think four years at Worthington could have got me this job. Life did.'

'Thanks,' he wrapped his arms around her, his eyes closed.

'I can go back to sleep now, then?' she rolled her eyes.

'Hmmm,' he murmured but she caught the smile and kissed him for it, before turning in his arms and closing her eyes.

**Please review!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Ok, so here is part 2. I think it may end up being 4 parts. It's really quite long. I got somewhat carried away. Please let me know what you think! I've said it before and I'll say it again - reviews are everything. Ok, begging over.**

**Epilogue Part Two**

**_Five Months Later_**

'Oh hey,' Joey opened her eyes to find Doug staring at her.

'Are you just extremely fond of scaring the hell out of me and Pacey?'

'I'm sorry,' Joey felt her eyes drop again but she opened them again with some difficulty.

'Don't you apologize,' Doug rolled his eyes, 'it wasn't quite the same disaster scene as last time.'

'All I really remember is dropping Oren at his preschool. I didn't feel quite right so I went home to lie down. There wasn't much blood but I called the ambulance straight away. I meant to call Pace straight away after but I must have passed out.'

'And saved your life and that of your beautiful babies,' Doug smiled at her. 'Pace and I are stood there innocently chatting when an ambulance and a fire truck pulls up.'

'Wow, I think I'm glad I was passed out for that. My babies Doug, are they still in special care? I hoped...well...'

'That like Oren they'd be with you very quickly?'

'Yes,' Joey felt the tears running down her cheeks. Doug leant across and wiped them from her cheeks.

'Pacey's with them as you told him. He made sure your expresser is sterilized.'

'Oh he's good,' she mumbled through tears. 'I'm sorry, I can't seem to turn off my tears.'

'Seen them before,' Doug smiled.

'How are they?' she asked quietly.

'They're going to be fine Joey. They're small, the first one was 4 pounds and the second four pounds three ounces. That's not bad Jo. They're only just premature but they want to give them some oxygen. They've both had a couple of episodes of apnea...'

'Which means?' she brushed a hand against her eyes.

'They stop breathing, but it's just for a few seconds...'

'A few?' she asked.

'Twenty or so, but they haven't had an episode for the last couple of hours.'

'Ok...ok that's good I guess. How long was I out?'

'You were in surgery for at least three hours after they were born,' he said gently, 'it's been about four hours. You'll need to express soon.'

'Am I...am I ok?'

'You're fine Jo. They were worried they'd have to just take everything out but they persisted with trying to stop the bleeding.'

'Ok,' she nodded, 'good. Ok, I'll express, please.'

'Sure,' he squeezed her arm, and reached for the sterile expresser and the bottles a nurse had given him. 'They'll give them it through a tube, probably just for today, until they consider that the apnea is gone. Then they'll be moved here with you and you can feed them.'

'Good, ok,' Joey nodded wiping her tears away. 'Can you help put the bed up?'

'Of course,' Doug smiled at her unperturbed by the fact that she'd pushed the gown off her shoulder.

'I'm sorry...for not caring that I'm exposed,' she blushed slightly.

'This is my bit. Pace get's baby duty, Bessie and Jack get Oren duty and I get you, and you're not a duty at all, so I'm good.'

'Thanks,' she nodded as she began to express, knowing it wouldn't be much. 'I don't even know what I had. Are they boys, girls, both?'

'Two beautiful girls!' Doug grinned.

'Girls?' she smiled, 'wow, I was totally expecting boys. Pacey must be thrilled!'

'Pig in poo springs to mind! You want to see a picture?' he asked and she looked at him with wide eyes.

'Yes,' she watched as he got out his camera.

'They're nothing alike,' Doug chuckled, 'the first one is blond.'

'Did you say blond?' she frowned.

'Yeah, look,' he shoved his camera at her and she looked at the picture of a tiny baby with a fuzz of very fair hair.

'Looks like Pace,' she smiled.

'You say that like it's a good thing,' Doug grinned.

'It's a very good thing,' she held the camera close.

'Flick onto the next one, that's your second daughter,' Doug said and Joey flicked on to see an equally small baby with a shock of spiky black hair. She laughed despite her still wet eyes. 'She looks like you.'

'Yeah, even I can see that,' Joey stared at the picture and then flicked back and forth between the two.

'I'll print you up a copy of each. It's meant to help with the...you know...' he gestured to her chest area and the expresser.

'Thanks Dougy,' she breathed deeply, 'is Oren ok? All went ok with collecting him and everything? Does he know?'

'Well you know what he's like. He knows you're here and he knows you're having the babies. We stuck at that.'

'Good, good.'

There was a sharp knock at the door.

'Hello again Joey,' her doctor smiled at her warmly. 'Good to see you getting some milk together for those babies.'

'How are they?'

'They're doing really well. I think that they should be up here with you by the end of the day.'

'Oh good, can I go see them?'

'Funny enough but your husband seemed keen on the same thing. I think he wants to check on you but is under strict instructions not to leave the babies.'

'Well I know I'm fine, but they feel safer with him there.'

'They're doing really great, as are you considering the ordeal we had stopping your bleeding.'

'What exactly happened?'

'You had a partial abruption. Not as severe as last time, not nearly, but for some reason you always seem to bleed a lot. You did all the right things and thankfully it seems you'll all be fine, though I think if you want any more children we would have to think very carefully.'

'I should think three is enough,' Joey rolled her eyes.

'I'll check you over and then I'll get a porter up here with a wheelchair.'

'Can I go get one and take her?' Doug asked and the doctor nodded.

* * *

'Joey,' Pacey's eyes lit up as Doug wheeled her into the room and he leapt up from his position between two bassinets.

'We brought milk,' Joey held up her offering but Pacey was more interested in looking her over, his hands taking hers as he knelt in front of the wheelchair.

'Are you ok?' he looked at the various bags hanging off the wheelchair but she nodded.

'I'm fine, all in tact and feeling ok, except for wanting these two upstairs and wanting to see my little boy, and of course you.'

'They're beautiful Jo, and they've been just fine for the last few hours.'

'We'll take the milk and feed it to them,' a nurse said and took it from Joey.

'It's very yellow,' Pacey looked at it and she laughed.

'It's not milk at this point. You never saw it with Oren, he just fed from me. It's supposed to look like that.'

'It is,' the nurse nodded with a smile, using a syringe to pull out half before heading to one of the girls.

'I love you Pace, but can you push me closer?'

'Sure, sure,' he smiled and pushed her between the bassinets, Doug standing back.

'They're cute,' she said at length, looking at their features carefully. 'They're daintier than Oren somehow. They look like girls. Look at their little eyebrows. Oh I want to hold them.'

'You will, very soon,' Pacey squeezed her shoulder. 'Oren and I are screwed,' Pacey shook his head, 'out numbered and definitely out wiled.'

'Oren's pretty wily,' Joey informed him.

'True,' Pacey crouched beside her. 'Did we even consider girls names?'

'Nope, I was convinced it would be two boys...'

'Just like Pacey,' Doug teased from behind them.

'Yeah,' she couldn't tear her eyes from one baby except to look at the other.

'We have time,' he seemed equally transfixed, his hand finding Joey's and holding it tightly. He paused in his observation of his daughters for a moment in order to press a kiss to his wife's head and then looked back at the bassinets.

'Yeah.'

* * *

'How the hell are you doing that?' Gretchen stared at Joey with open mouthed admiration. Joey shrugged as Pacey adjusted pillows under her arms helping her support the two babies who were nursing at once, somehow completely hidden from view. Oren was sat on her feet building a lego boat,

'She's infinitely skilled and wonderful,' he stated without looking up from his lego. Gretchen snickered.

'Clearly,' Gretchen ruffled her nephew's hair. 'So which one is which?'

'Pacey's doppelgänger is called Cleo Elizabeth,' Joey said and Pacey lifted the cover, 'and this little cutie,' Pacey lifted the other side, 'is Ruby Lois.'

'Cleo and Ruby?' Gretchen smiled. 'Cute.'

'Not your names?'

'No...but I honestly love them both.'

'Well phew. Especially as I jumped the gun there a little by beating you.'

'Now, now, hun - it's not a competition,' Pacey smirked and took Cleo from her and began to wind the baby.

'Thank god, I mean I get pregnant and then you get pregnant with two. I'm due before you but you beat me...' Gretchen grinned.

'Gretch, you're like a week overdue, they're going to be days apart.'

'I can't wait,' Gretchen growled.

'Though we're going to have to split the girl hand me downs. Though I don't really have a problem with using Oren's old stuff so that will help.'

'Aargh, you're not going to be one of those moms that dresses her girls like boys are you?'

'They're babies Gretch, they don't need to be dressed as anything. Did you know that the concept of pink for girls and blue for boys is a relatively recent thing.'

'Do tell me,' Gretchen rolled her eyes.

'In the mid nineteenth century they brought in pink and blue but they were gender neutral. It was only around World War Two that they promoted pink for girls and blue for boys.'

'Interesting. And yet you don't dress Oren in pink,' Gretchen smirked.

'I have a pink t-shirt,' Oren piped up helpfully and Joey smirked back.

'I wouldn't stop him wearing pink. I won't stop these two either, but I won't just have pink.'

'I'll buy you pretty dresses,' Pacey cooed into Cleo's neck.

'Sheesh, I never said I wouldn't buy them dresses,' Joey adjusted her top and patted Ruby's back.

'So have you worked out how the hell you're going to get in and out on your own with three kids and a flight of stairs?' Gretchen watched them with the infants.

'Yeah actually,' Pacey and Joey looked at each other.

'So?'

'We...um...well we bought a place. I got a bit of a payout for joining the New York Times. After the Times offered me the job there was a bit of a last minute attempt by the Globe to keep me and the Times offered me a...sweetener.'

'Really,' Gretchen arched her brows.

'Really. I mean we have a mortgage but it's not too bad actually. It shouldn't take over. That's what we were worried about. I mean we're saving for four lots of college, travel and we have the loan on the restaurant. We're going to rent out our apartment which will cover the mortgage. We can cover it if the apartment is empty though. Luckily it seems that half of Pacey's staff want to rent it.'

'Wow...I'm impressed. Where is this place?'

'It's up on 8th, we'd have loved a place on the water but 8th is cheaper and near enough to the Icehouse. It's a pretty house. Four bedrooms, nice porch...a little bit grown up,' Joey admitted. 'It's in a bit of a state. Pace and Doug are planning to work on it for a month and then we'll move in. So for a month I'll deliver Pace a child at a time every time I want to go out.'

'When did you buy it?'

'We actually signed the papers the day before I had these guys,' Joey admitted.

'I think it's a good decision. I get what you mean about grown up, I do, but a yard, space, a home...you guys can have all that and still be young.'

'We're going to try,' Pacey grinned as he and Joey swapped babies.

'I have a big room,' Oren proved he'd been listening, 'but I don't want boats and things on the walls this time.'

'You don't?' Pacey sounded almost devastated.

'Nope, I would really love a space room.'

'Well then we'll have to work out what that involves kiddo,' Pacey smiled at him ruffling his hair.

'So the girls will share?' Gretchen asked.

'Well to begin with they'll be in with us. We thought about having them share, but we're going to try and avoid lumping them together. I know it's forward planning but with them both being girls we don't want Oren to feel like it's him and then his sisters.'

'I won't,' he said helpfully flicking the page on his lego instruction book.

'It doesn't surprise me at all to find you forward planning Jo,' Gretchen teased her.

'I'll take that as a compliment,' Joey smiled.

* * *

**_Three months later_**

'Jo,' Pacey shook her arm.

'Mmmnnn go away,' she growled.

'I have to go into the restaurant. The alarm is going off. I'm sorry.'

'Time?' she asked.

'It's five.'

'I'm so tired,' she garbled, tears clustering and then tumbling down her cheeks.

'I know you are baby,' Pacey sat on the bed and stroked her hair. 'Oren's asleep and the girls are quiet you go back to sleep. I'll come home as soon as I can and take care of everyone, let you catch up.'

'Hmmmm.'

Joey awoke with a start to the sound of a crying baby. It was Cleo, she could tell their cries apart. Not that there was much point as Ruby joined the chorus seconds later. Shifting out of bed she lifted Cleo out of her crib and then put her on the bed. Then she grabbed Ruby before climbing back in and shifting everyone around until they were both nursing. It wasn't that comfortable. She couldn't wait until they could hold themselves a little, help her out. She especially couldn't wait until they were eating some real food. She looked at the clock. It was seven which meant they'd slept a little longer than she expected. They were eating far more frequently than Oren ever had, or maybe it felt that way because there were two of them and when she was out it was more awkward to feed them at the same time. Unlike their brother they were both happy suckling her expressed milk from a bottle which had been a life saver for her sanity.

'Hey mommy,' Oren padded into the room and climbed up into the bed beside her.

'Morning cutie,' she blew him a kiss.

'I was thinking about Saturn,' he announced.

'And what were you thinking?'

'Well Saturn is made from gas, so I guess you'd fall all the way through if you tried to stand on it?'

'I guess,' she said and his brow furrowed.

'Well the rings are made up of rock, ice and dust, so I think if I went to Saturn I'd land on the rings.'

'Smart plan,' Joey chuckled. 'When are you planning to go to Saturn?'

'Hmmm, can a spaceship reach Saturn?'

'Not with someone inside it. It's too far.'

'Well I'll have to invent one first. I mean I'd want to be older anyway.'

'I should think so,' she nudged his shoulder. 'You want to hold Ruby? She's done?'

'Is she clean?'

'For now,' Joey wrinkled her nose and Oren nodded.

'Well I'll hold her for now,' he conceded and together they moved her from Joey's arms into Oren's lap. 'Do you know what my favourite bit about them is?'

'No, tell me,' she clipped up her bra and began to wind Cleo.

'I like their little fingernails. I hate it when they cry, it's so loud and so often, but I do like their little fingernails. Oh and their eyes.'

'They'll get more interesting I promise,' Joey assured him and then switched babies with him.

'How come Cleo has blond hair?' he asked and she smiled. He asked the question a lot.

'Well somewhere in our families there is blond hair. We all pass on bits of information when we have children and they get more mixed up but something from a great, great grandparent can come out.'

'You mean DNA?'

'I mean DNA. I think on daddy's side there is some fair hair. Aunty Kerry's hair was fair as a child.'

'But Cleo is really, really blond. And Ruby is really, really dark. Max at school said they mixed them up and you brought home the wrong baby,'

'Do you think I did?'

'Well no. Cleo looks like daddy, well and you a bit in the nose and mouth but she has daddy's eyes and Ruby looks more like you, though I think she looks a little like daddy.'

'I didn't bring home the wrong baby. Daddy was with them the whole time.'

'Max always says mean stuff. It's like he knows what will hurt your feelings.'

'Well play with kids who aren't Max. Don't be mean to him, but you don't have to be his best friend.'

'Ok,' Oren nodded. 'Can I go downstairs now?'

'Sure, we can do cartoons on the couch if you like.'

'Really?' his face lit up.

'Really. Just until breakfast. You go down and get the girl's bouncy chairs ready and I'll use the bathroom.'

'You're the best,' he grinned and barrelled to the door and into his dad.

'Daddy,' Oren threw himself into Pacey's arms, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing his nose.

'Hey little guy,' Pacey kissed his nose and his cheeks in return.

'Mommy said we can watch cartoons.'

'Did she also say I'd make pancakes? Because I will.'

'Can we have real maple syrup and not the cheap stuff?' he asked it so seriously that Joey could see Pacey struggle to keep a straight face.

'Sure,' he said and Oren smacked a kiss to his cheek before wriggling free and thundering down the stairs.

'Not the "cheap stuff"?'

'I may have complained the last time you brought home that horrid table syrup.'

'I was raised on table syrup, nothing wrong with it,' Pacey crawled onto the bed beside her and took Ruby, before pressing kisses to Joey's lips, cheek and neck. 'You're looking all kinds of lovely this morning,' he nudged a hand up her top.

'Pace, I'm covered in baby, what on earth do you think you're gonna manage to initiate here?' she rolled her eyes but laughed.

'I could go turn on the tv, put these little cuties back in their cribs...' his hand flicked the catch on her bra and she moaned softly.

'I want to Pace,' she turned to him seriously, 'but we'll be interrupted like always.'

'I'm not sure I care,' his hand roamed south.

'Pace I know it's been a while...but I'm not having Oren catch us.'

'Hmmm ok,' his hand travelled north. 'And just so you know there's no pressure, I just want you, you know. It can't be easy being attached to two babies the whole time. Can't hurt to know I still want you desperately,' he pressed a kiss to her chest and groaned slightly.

'Oh it doesn't hurt. I know we keep getting...interrupted,' she sighed, 'but tonight...I don't care...'

'You really want to?'

'Pacey I've come on to you for the last week, yeah I want to.'

'I thought you were...you know, appeasing me.'

'I'm nervous,' she admitted, 'but I really miss...being close in that way.'

'Me too...' he agreed, and kissed her, a long and most definitely leading kiss.

'Mommy,' Oren's voice from downstairs. Pacey smiled into the kiss.

'Tonight,' Joey told him.

'You don't have to...'

'Pacey,' she told him in frustration, 'I need to.'

'Why are you nervous?' he frowned a little.

'My tummy...'

'Huh?' he frowned.

'Well I know it's pretty much as it was...'

'You mean flat, yeah it is...' he still looked confused.

'The skin is all...you know...crinkly and I have stretch marks, my belly button is different and...'

'You honestly think I care?' he looked almost offended.

'I care,' she admitted.

'Joey hun, when I get to be with you...as in be with you, I really couldn't care less about skin crinkling, or stretch marks. Guys don't see that stuff.'

'Of course they do,' she protested.

'If I'm looking for it I can see it, but I still think you're the most gorgeous, sexy woman on the planet. You still turn me on like you always have. I still want you like I always have and when I get to have you, well do you honestly think I'm going to be dwelling on the fact that your belly button is different to before? I mean those changes are there because you had three beautiful children. I love those changes because I love the children.'

'How do you always manage to say the right thing?'

'I'm not trying to say the right thing, it's just the truth.'

'Ok,' Joey nodded. 'You go down and start breakfast. I'm going to have a shower and I'll see you in a few minutes?'

'Sure,' he looked at her, that look of concern and she knew that he knew she was going to cry, 'take all the time you need,' he reassured her.

'I don't know why I'm feeling like this again,' she admitted softly. 'I just...want to cry.'

'I'll make a doctors appointment for you. Go talk to her. You can always go back on tablets. This could be a bit of post natel depression?'

'I guess,' she admitted and swiped at a tear. 'I mean I love them. I feel bonded to them, I just feel overwhelmed and sad.'

'Then we have to be proactive,' Pacey assured her.

'My article is due in tomorrow. I haven't done it,' she admitted.

'At all?' he frowned.

'Well I've done a little research but...Oren was sick, I was tired, the girls were fractious...'

'I know, I know,' he kissed her cheek. 'Ok, so tonight we raincheck you know...sex, and you debate the article with me and I'll write it.'

'You'll what?' she looked at him wide eyed.

'I know your style, I'll write it,' he stared at her and she melted into him.

'I love you. I really love you. How about we call your mom, see if she can take the girls, see if she'll take Oren as well and if not call Bes. We'll get the article done and then spend a couple of hours alone. I need time with you Pace.'

'We haven't had a couple of hours alone since...well since before the girls were born.'

'Three months ago,' Joey sighed, 'maybe that's why I'm sad. I need to be closer.'

'Ok so plan of action. I'll go turn on cartoons for Oren, start breakfast, call the doc, call my mom and call Bes.'

'Thanks Pace,' she handed him Cleo and he organized the babies in his arms so he could carry them safely.

* * *

'Ok, so I feel better,' Joey murmured softly loving the feel of Pacey's naked body against hers.

'When you hinted we'd have sex I didn't imagine you meant we'd make up for three months without...' Pacey teased but she turned in his arms to look at him.

'That would be physically impossible,' she grinned and kissed his nose.

'Hmmm...based on four or five times a week for thirteen weeks...yeah, I'm manly but not that manly.'

'Oh you're gorgeous,' she ran her hands across his firm body. 'And beautiful and all mine.'

'Definitely all yours,' he grinned and for a couple of minutes they were silent.

'You asked me...ages ago if I regretted this? You know this life. You remember? But you know I didn't ask you and I'd like to know,' she looked up at him and then pressed a kiss to his warm neck.

'No. For me it's a really simple response. I do not regret any of my life with you. We've travelled, we have three beautiful kids, we both love our jobs, we have money and a beautiful home. When the girls are a little older Doug is insisting on reinstating our monthly night off. I love my life, most especially because it's with you.'

'I suppose you experienced a lot before me...between me,' she pouted and gave him a look.

'You mean slept with other girls?' he chuckled and she nodded. 'Yeah, I did. But when I was with you, when I'm with you, other girls are just other people. I'm just not interested.'

'Oh I trust you completely,' she giggled. 'Now let me tell you about my new mental health plan.'

'Tell?' Pacey appeared to like her insinuating tone as his hands tugged her a little closer.

'I'll take my meds, see my therapist at least once a month, I want to run again, but I also want an orgasm at least four times a week,' she have him a look as he began to laugh.

'What a wonderful plan,' he peppered her face with kisses.

'Well mister, you're going to have to be creative because I don't want to do it myself...I want you to give me an orgasm at least four times a week.'

'Well we're done for this week,' he smirked and she rolled her eyes.

'Actually no. They have to occur on different days. Oh and it goes both ways.'

'This plan is sounding better and better,' he rolled on top of her and she moaned softly.

'It's an excellent plan,' she agreed as he kissed her.

* * *

**_One month later_**

'Everyone is still asleep,' Pacey whispered and she felt him push a mint into her mouth until seconds later his mouth was on hers and he was tugging at her pyjamas.

'Hmmm,' she murmured into the kiss opening her eyes to see his bright blue eyes looking at her, a devilish look.

'You and the bush have a fun fight?' he teased looking pointedly at her hair, one hand exploring the skin he'd revealed and the other travelling somewhere far more intimate.

'Oh you're a riot,' she gasped and then rolled them over, shifting her body until they were delectably connected. Pacey groaned and bucked against her. She held him still and looked down at him before peeling off her tank.

'Please move,' he begged after a moment but she just smirked. He watched her for a second as she ran her hands across his chest and then he grabbed her hips and moved her himself. They both let out a relieved moan. She stared at him until he moved her again and then with a long kiss to his lips she moved herself. 'Joey,' he breathed her name. There was a soft noise from the crib across the room and they both turned to stare at it. Ruby began to cry. 'Please don't stop,' he begged.

'I won't stop, just go faster,' she agreed and they rolled again until Pacey was on top of her, moving, kissing and groaning into her neck. As Cleo's cries joined her sister's, Pacey pushed Joey over the edge and as she bit his shoulder to stop from crying out, his own moan was swallowed by the pillow.

'From lover to mother,' he teased as he moved off of her after one last kiss and fetched the babies from their cribs.

'I don't care how fast I have to switch roles, that part of my mental health plan helps the most,' she smirked as she shuffled the girls around until they were nursing.

'You do seem happier,' he rested his head on her shoulder for a moment.

'I am,' she agreed. 'Those feelings have passed already. I don't think it hurts that they sleep better. Or that your mom has them for one morning a week whilst Oren is at school. Or that Doug and Jack sit with them one evening a week. Or that we run again...'

'No I guess not,' Pacey grinned. 'I'm glad.'

'I'm really very, very happy.'

'We should plan a trip,' Pacey kissed her shoulder.

'But where in the world would we go?' she asked with wide eyes.

'Hmmm... Nothing too far, not with these guys so little...what about a trip to Hawaii in the fall? Or we could simply make Oren the happiest kid in the world and take him to Disneyland?'

'Skip Hawaii, go to Disneyland and the Everglades and Key West and we'll save for Australia and go to New Zealand at the same time when they can appreciate it a little.'

'Sounds like a plan,' he grinned, 'I know the Disneyland isn't really us, but Florida most certainly is.'

'Oh Florida most certainly is,' she agreed. 'Now you better go shower before you're late! Love you.'

'Love you too,' he agreed as he climbed out of bed. She smiled as she heard Pacey and Oren collide on the landing, the giggles and the sound of her son talking to his dad about whether or not they could ever get a dog. She just hoped Pacey was sensible enough to answer no. Luckily he answered with a maybe one day, and then they were whispering and giggling before Oren wondered in and snuck in beside her.

* * *

Joey wondered downstairs after her shower pleased that it was Pacey's day off and that it was a beautiful warm sunny late August day. She knew the day was special and she wondered whether Pacey had remembered - neither of them had yet mentioned it.

'What the hell?' she couldn't help but smile at the sight of the breakfast table laden with fruit, pancakes, bacon and a large bunch of lilies. There was also a huge bunch of rainbow coloured helium balloons which she knew were her sons influence on the scene. Clearly Pacey had not only remembered but gone a little overboard.

'Did someone forget that a year ago today you and I walked down the admittedly short aisle at city hall and mumbled some words about I don't know, being together forever...' he wrapped his arms around her from behind.

'Of course I didn't forget. Well I hadn't, not until you woke me up so nicely...' she turned in his arms and kissed him. 'I remembered to book your brother to come over this evening...' she gave him a look.

'And what are we doing this evening?'

'Well if we were twenty two and child free I would have us spending the night on the beach with a few drinks, some food and very little clothing,' she whispered because Oren was sat at the table waiting patiently for his parents to stop canoodling.

'And as we're twenty two, well twenty three and laden with children?'

'Well it's a surprise, but it won't take all that long for you to find out because the children are attending the first bit.'

'Ok,' he grinned. 'Lucky I have everything packed then. I have diapers, spare clothes, water for Oren, sunscreen, hats, picnic...'

'And you don't even know what we're doing,' she teased.

'Well I figured we'd be doing something...I was thinking a beach picnic...'

'Nope, what I have planned is better.'

'Well I can't wait to find out...you want your present?'

'Hell yeah,' she pushed her hands under his tshirt off a moment and kissed him.

'Ok,' he grinned and she ran her hands down and pulled a gift box out of the back pocket of his shorts. 'Hey,' he protested but she just grinned and opened the box to reveal a pretty, dainty, necklace with three stars on it.

'Oh I love it,' she pulled it out of the box and he took it from her grinning, as she lifted her hair out the way and turned so he could fasten it on her.

'Now sit and eat Mrs,' he grinned again but she just turned and kissed him long and hard until they felt Oren burrow between them.

'The pancakes and bacon are getting cold mommy. Kiss him later.'

'He's kissing me,' Joey protested ruffling her sons hair.

'Nope that was you,' Oren took her hand and tugged her to the table.

* * *

Joey watched Pacey and began to feel slightly concerned when he stood unmoving for slightly longer than normal.

'You bought me a boat,' he stared at the boat, not dissimilar in size to the True Love, a little bigger but then it wasn't just the two of them anymore.

'I had some money...you see when I was pregnant with the girls I submitted a few chapters of the novel I was working on. I know I should have told you but I didn't want to say anything and have it all turn out to be nothing. Anyway...they commissioned the whole book. I told them I was pregnant and gave them a realistic timeline. They gave me a very nice loyalty cheque and hence you have a boat. I paid someone else to fix it up. I didn't figure we'd have time with the restaurant, the kids and the work on the house.'

'You bought me a boat,' he repeated and she rolled her eyes hoisting up Cleo who was strapped to her chest. Pacey turned and grabbed her into a fierce kiss seemingly forgetting that he also had one of their daughters.

'Pace,' she grinned, 'mind the babies.'

'Sorry, but you bought me a boat,' he stared at the boat again. 'Are those little tiny baby life vests?'

'Well yeah. What good is a boat if we can't take it out sailing?'

'Come one, let's go on. Let's stop all the chatting and go on,' Oren tugged at his dad's hand.

'Hold on kiddo,' Pacey pulled the kid back from the edge. 'Firstly, you are awesome Potter,' he kissed her again, 'secondly, you're awesome again for getting your novel published.'

'Well not quite published...or written...'

'Details,' he waved his hands in the air, utterly enthusiastic and the Pacey she remembered from her youth in every way, 'thirdly, what on earth are you feeding these kids, my back is killing me,' he grinned and ruffled her hair.

'Thats not the baby, that's because you work so hard,' she laughed and rubbed his back for him.

'Daddy,' Oren tugged at his hand again, so Pacey dropped to the dock in front of his son. 'Who's captain?' he asked playfully.

'You daddy,' Oren smiled.

'Ok, so listen to your captain and I'll tell you the rules and if you're good I promise not to throw you overboard...'

'Ok,' Oren nodded seriously, before the corner of his mouth turned up in an impish grin.

* * *

'Whilst it was fun hanging with the kids today this takes me back,' Pacey murmured as he and Joey cuddled in the moonlight, her head resting on his chest.

'There's a couple of hammocks below deck,' she grinned.

'Well hammocks wouldn't suit anymore.'

'Not with your old man back problems,' she teased and he laughed.

'You can always give me a rub,' he suggested hugging her a little tighter.

'Sure,' she said easily.

'But not in a hammock, on that nice double you saw fit to put in.'

'Well I figured we need to be a little closer these days.'

'That's my girl,' he bent forward and kissed her bare shoulder. 'Right now I find it strange that we're not still seventeen and odd jobbing down the coast. I can't quite believe life is so different.'

'So you're still glad we got married?'

'Jo, from the minute I saw you changing in the mirror of my truck after wading for snails I think part of me knew I'd always want to marry you. Granted I thought we'd be a little older but you know.'

'I always knew you peeked,' she smiled.

'Of course I peeked and I obviously liked what I saw. You forget that we shared our first kiss that day.'

'Confused, surprised and attracted...how could I forget such a stunning declaration,' she laughed.

'Unfortunately you were just confused and surprised,' he rolled his eyes.

'Well you were you...kind of scary to have you suddenly kissing me.'

'We'd say _scary_?' Pacey frowned at her choice of word.

'Well for innocent Joey Potter of back then, star struck with Dawson it was scary. I mean Dawson was a fantasy but you'd always been real. The boy who understood me.'

'Hang on a sec I thought that was Dawson,' Pacey teased.

'No. Dawson comforted, said nice things, was there for me, but you...you understood and you know it. It wasn't easy for you and it wasn't easy for me. We had our moments.'

'I guess we did.'

'And it was scary when the culminated in confused, surprised and attracted and kiss,' she teased.

'Still going with scary then?'

'Well you forget that I'd only ever had one brief kiss before then and I knew I'd never see him again. You, well I would see you every day. It was scary because I had three constants in my life. Bessie, Dawson and you. Bessie was my sister so of course she was constant, Dawson was my "best friend" and you, my constant companion in living a life slightly _less than_.'

'_Less than_?'

'You know slightly less than everyone else's. Less perfect, less easy, less loving. Just less than.'

'Ok, yeah, I get _that_.'

'You were my other best friend and I had never recognized you as that.'

'Well I was guilty of the same, but that was us. We didn't recognize it because then it was easier to just have it be what it was.'

'And on snail day you sort of acknowledged it.'

'I guess,' he laughed.

'Hmm,' she snuggled against him.

'So I have a question,' he broke the silence.

'Yeah?'

'You know when we talked, back when we told everyone we were expecting the girls, when you go the job? You know about regret.'

'Yeah?' she turned to look at him.

'Well you told me what you imagined life would have been like without Oren, without the depression. You never said whether you thought we'd have got back together eventually.'

'Hmmm, I guess I didn't,' she looked back at the silver water.

'Well?'

'The whole alternate universe thing is a tricky one Pace,' she said at length. 'I like to think we would have. I'm pretty sure that I would have wanted to, but who knows what may or may not have happened.'

'That doesn't sound definite?' he said and when she looked at him he was frowning.

'You're having a Dawson moment hun. Let's face it you're asking if we're "destined." I had enough of the destiny stuff with everyone else telling me that Dawson and I were soulmates. I can't imagine an alternate universe where I wouldn't have ended up with you, or at least wanting a life with you, but who knows. People drift apart. I guess I always imagined that if that happened we would have drifted back together.'

'Ok, fair enough. I like to think that we would have ended up together.'

'Who cares because this is what happened - we are together. It's funny you know,' she laughed lightly.

'What is?'

'Well I fucked up. Sorry to curse, but I did. I fucked up royally. I did exactly what all the people who used to gossip about my family expected me to do. I got pregnant in high school. Ok, so the end of high school but pretty much the same effect. I didn't go to college, I stayed in Capeside an unwed, single, teenage mother.'

'I suppose. Knocked up by a guy that barely scraped through high school and who abandoned you.'

'You didn't abandon me, you broke up with me,' she protested.

'Carry on,' he rolled his eyes.

'Well it's funny. I could have gone to Worthington, I could have got that degree, maybe even a masters and be some big wig in...I don't know, publishing.'

'I can see that...' Pacey mused with another kiss to her shoulder.

'I could be living in some fancy New York apartment. Maybe I'd have felt like I'd shown them all. You know that the Potters aren't bad, that we can succeed, that we can leave Capeside, but you know what?'

'What?'

'All those people that used to talk about me...they talk to me now. They read my articles. They want to talk about my articles. They want to talk about you and the kids, and they tell me that we're doing such a good job.'

'That is funny,' Pacey said softly.

'I don't think they ever thought we were bad. I think they thrived on the scandal, on the gossip. I think they had low expectations and I think that Bessie and I both met them. But I also think they've been pleasantly surprised. I think they're happy about our success. Like Grams they've come full circle. They find romance in our story. They find pleasure in our successes.'

'I would agree with that,' Pacey nodded. 'There are people who come into the Icehouse that I wouldn't have expected to come in. People who made comments to my dad or my mom about me and you. Some who made comments to my face. They don't make comments anymore, at least not of the negative variety. So yeah - it is funny.'

'I think had I left Capeside I'd have shown no one anything, not even myself really. I'd have just done what I always used to do and run away. Now I think I'm a better person, more whole. I've faced my daemons down.'

'Me too,' Pacey said simply and she understood what daemons he referred to.

'I find it hard to believe sometimes that we still have so much life ahead of us. I feel like things happen too fast, that the kids grow too quickly. We'll never have a newborn baby again.'

'But we'll have so much other stuff. Isn't life for living anyway? I mean there's so much fun to be had and at least we have energy. I'm glad that we got married Jo because we get our whole lives together, with the kids, after the kids leave home...and I feel like when we're together we can do anything.'

'Me too,' she nodded and then smiled, 'so I love you Pace but we have to be home in about half an hour so can we go..."explore" below deck?'

'For my back rub?' he smirked.

'Yeah, for that,' she said sarcastically with a roll of her eyes.

'Well then hell yeah,' Pacey chuckled.

* * *

**_One Month Later_**

'You are honestly the most ridiculous man in the world,' Joey laughed as Pacey walked in with both girls in a jolly jumper and one in each hand. 'You're actually weight lifting the kids?'

'The doctor said to build up my strength - I'm doing this under medical advice, I need stronger back muscles to get rid of the dumb old man ache! I don't want to go to the gym, I want to be with you guys so...'

'Maybe they should make sure your back is actually ok before you start bench pressing Oren.'

'Already done that,' he grinned his eyes twinkling. Joey watched as he worked his biceps, the girls smiling as they lifted up and down.

'You want some oatmeal before work?' she asked as Oren padded into the kitchen fully clothed in an horrendously mismatched outfit. 'Wow kiddo, you choose that?'

'Daddy helped,' he smiled at her. 'May I start?'

'Sure,' she pinched Pacey's ass and he chuckled.

'No thanks to the oatmeal...I'll grab something at work.'

'I can't believe you're weightlifting those two!'

'Well yeah...gotta look good for my gorgeous mrs.'

'You know you always look good,' she stepped between his arms and kissed him.

'Hmmm,' he murmured appreciatively.

'Take a banana,' she ordered and her hand snuck out and grabbed one from the fruit bowl. She put it on the counter. 'You're looking thin.'

'Aye, aye,' his eyes twinkled. 'Your oatmeal is gonna burn,' he supplied helpfully. 'I'll go get these two into their bouncy chairs and then I better go.'

'Well I'm meeting Dougy and Jack for dinner so we'll see you at the Icehouse.'

'Excellent, I'll save you your table.'

'Wait a second,' she said and reached into a drawer and grabbed her camera, 'I'm sorry but I need a photo.'

'Sure,' he grinned and posed for her.

'Go on then ridiculous man.'

'That just makes you ridiculous for loving me.'

'I don't relish in the cheesiness of what I'm about to say, but Pace, there is nothing ridiculous about loving you.'

'Right back at you,' he grinned.

* * *

Pacey pulled up a seat to their table and rested his head on Joey's shoulder.

'You must be tired,' she pressed a kiss to his temple.

'No more than you, I'm sure. I'm not sure I even woke up with the girls last night.'

'You didn't,' she smiled, 'but it's accumulative and I know you didn't sleep well the night before.'

'You ok Pace?' Doug asked.

'He had tummy ache,' Joey said helpfully.

'Jo, you make it sound like I'm five. I'm fine,' he took a long drink of water that one of the waitresses had brought over. 'I think I was stressing over an order I forgot to put in.'

'I'm nearly five,' Oren said and then frowned, 'well not until after Christmas but it sounds older than four and a half.'

'Believe me bud, you don't need to sound older,' Jack grinned.

'I heard Max's mommy say to Charlie's mommy that she was surprised I'm smart.'

'Why would she be surprised you're smart?' Jack frowned as did the other adults.

'Because my parents had me so young,' Oren shrugged, 'you're not that young though because you're parent age.'

'Exactly, we're just a little younger than some other parents,' Pacey explained.

'You should somehow slip it into conversation that your dad runs the most successful restaurant in town and your mom writes for the New York Times,' Doug was still frowning.

'Sure,' Oren said easily. 'They said something about you working at a restaurant and mommy not working at all.'

'What?' Doug stared at Pacey and Joey.

'It doesn't surprise me,' Joey said easily, 'I just realized long ago that I didn't care to defend myself to people like that. They can think what they want! Oren sweetie, don't say anything, just be your mighty fine self and enjoy the friends who appreciate you for being one of the kindest kids around.'

'Exactly,' Pacey concurred. 'Sometimes people make unfair judgements and we just want you to try and not do the same.'

'Oh I wouldn't. Max told me that Holly has cooties and I didn't believe that. He told me that Finn doesn't have a dad and I asked before I believed him and Finn said he does have a dad but his dad just lives in a different house.'

'You're the best,' Pacey reached across and ruffled his curly hair and then sat back in his chair and rubbed his stomach.

'Got a little tummy ache?' Doug teased.

'Haha, I'm just hungry.'

'Well order something,' Joey rolled her eyes. 'You officially finished half an hour ago. The shift change went fine, they can come and see you if there's some disaster!'

'Sure,' he smiled and waved Natasha over. Natasha always stared at Joey like she had two heads, which frankly amused Joey rather than worried her. It was fairly obvious - to Joey, Jen, Doug, Jack - that Natasha was into Pacey and that she just did not understand how Pacey could already be married with three kids. When Natasha stared at her Joey practically saw the words "does not compute" flash up on the girls forehead. Natasha was pretty but Pacey was blatantly oblivious. 'Could you be a doll Natasha and make me up a plate of the ummmmmm risotto,' he decided and Natasha smiled and with a last confused look at Joey said,

'Sure Pacey,' and headed for the kitchen. Cleo began to fuss and Doug made a point of picking her out of the double stroller and letting her stand on his legs.

'Hey cutie,' Jack blew out his cheeks and then acted like he was popping them with his finger and Cleo smiled. 'You have such a cute smile,' he told her.

'May I get down?' Oren asked and Pacey nodded.

'Sure, but don't fuss the customers.'

'But Mr Markson is gesturing for me to go see him,' Oren pointed out.

'Only one chocolate,' Joey rushed to say.

'And if you happen to find the Clark's do not let them buy you an ice cream...you just had one and no kid your size needs two,' Pacey added.

'And I know Deputy Hancock is in here, but don't pester her to lock you up again...I'll do that tomorrow,' Doug said.

'That sounded so wrong,' Pacey teased his brother.

'Maybe if I was saying it to Jack it'd be a little inappropriate but not wrong,' Doug gave his brother a look.

'Boy, there's a visual I just didn't need.'

'You mean like the one of you and Joey in your office, on your desk?' Doug asked pointedly, 'I sure didn't need that one either.'

'Truce,' Pacey said quickly.

'I agree,' Joey reached for Ruby who was beginning to fuss but Jack took the baby off of her, kissing her tummy.

'I never figured you for a baby man,' Pacey said to his old friend.

'Me either.'

'I'm a teacher,' Jack pointed out.

'High school.'

'Anyway, these aren't just babies, they're two of my best friend's babies. What's not to like?'

* * *

'How's it going?' Pacey stood behind Joey watching her write on her laptop. Once upon a time the thought of somebody reading what she was writing would have terrified her. She'd always felt like it exposed her somehow, made her too vulnerable. Initially her depression had changed that - she just hadn't cared. Then of course her writing was published and was read by millions. Coming out of her depression had brought back a little of her old insecurity and she liked to have something perfect before she let anyone read it. Pacey had always been the exception. He was always honest about what she was writing if, and only if, she asked for his opinion. If she didn't ask she knew she could trust him not to read anything.

'I emailed my article off to the Times, so that's good.'

'So this is the novel then,' he rubbed her shoulders.

'Yeah...I struck on inspiration and can't seem to stop,' she did stop though and turned to look up at him. 'You look tired. You should go to bed.'

'I miss you though,' he pouted.

'I won't be long, twenty minutes tops.'

'Then I'd rather wait for you. I'll make Oren's lunch for tomorrow if you like?' he looked down at her and she realized she wanted to be with him and that her inspiration would still be there in the morning.

'You know what, I'm done now. Forget Oren's lunch and let's go to bed, read our book...you know like we used to.'

'We haven't done that since before the girls,' Pacey smiled.

'Well then it's time we did,' she hit save and shut her computer down before swivelling in her seat and allowing Pacey to pull her to her feet. 'Come on, let's go through the bathroom and get snuggled in bed. I'm actually cold.'

'It's only September,' he chuckled pulling her to her feet and walking through the house with her switching off lights. She went a head of him up the stairs and she felt his hands touching her behind, but it was soft and not leading. They went through the bathroom and changed and then slipped into bed. Pacey surprised her by wrapping his arms around her and pressing his head to her stomach.

'You missing the girls or something?' she asked threading her hands through his hair. They'd moved the girls into their own bedrooms the previous weekend.

'Maybe,' he said and she could feel his smile. 'Just loving you.'

'Are you ok?' she asked.

'I'm great,' he rolled so he could look up at her. 'I just have a fondness for this stomach of yours. It's gorgeous and it carried my three beautiful children.'

'You make a good point,' she conceded easily and he gave her a grin.

'Now what book are you reading me?'

'Oh I'm doing the reading?'

'Yeah, I like your voice.'

'I like your voice,' she told him but he just smiled.

'My arms are too tired to hold up a book. I mean I cooked all day.'

'I carried two children around all day,' she defended softly.

'Thats why your muscles are so defined,' he ran a hand up to her bicep and squeezed it gently. 'Please,' he looked at her with those eyes of his and she caved.

'Sure...how about...' she scanned the pile of books beside her bed. 'Ok, so. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy or Don Quioxte?'

'Hitchhikers,' Pacey said easily and she reached over for the book, shuffling the stack and opening to the book. 'Love you Jo.'

'Love you too Pace,' she agreed and began to read.


	17. Chapter 17

**This is too long. Far too long. But when I tried to split it up I just couldn't, it wouldn't have worked if I did. If anyone can advise where to separate it out I'm listening. I think there is one more part after this..**

**Please, please review - good, bad...somewhere in the middle. I think this is probably my last Dawson's story, so it would be great to have the feedback. Thanks T80 for the review!**

**I apologise for not saying sooner but there is a character death in this part - to warn those who may not wish to read. Thanks for pointing that out 1trueluv:-)**

**Epilogue Part Three**

**_Two Months Later_**

Joey felt like she was a whirlwind. She'd finished off her article that morning and written a thousand words of her novel. That was all pretty good considering she'd collected the kids from Mary at one after their lunch. She'd even managed to throw in a trip to the library and a visit with Gretchen. Dinner was just about on the table. She'd trapped the girls in their high chairs and whilst Oren ate the whole lasagne she was still only giving the girls bits to try so to that end they had broccoli, pasta and chopped in half cherry tomatoes. Ruby was loving it but Cleo clearly didn't like broccoli.

Joey stared at the clock again. Pacey was supposed to have been home at around five and so she'd put off dinner for as long as she could, and now that it was six and he hadn't answered his cell she was beginning to feel slightly irritated. She would have called the Icehouse, but what was the point when she was calling his cell - and it wasn't like she wanted to speak to the staff with Cleo wailing in the background, and so despite her irritation she began to picture him hurt, or...well she didn't know what else, but it wasn't like him at all. She hoped he'd bumped into Jack after work and forgotten to call. He'd fallen ill with a mild stomach flue on Sunday night though thankfully no one else had come down with it. She hadn't been all that convinced he was better but he'd stopped being sick and just felt a little nauseous and so he'd gone to work. She hadn't expected him to then be home late. She hadn't minded taking care of him at all, or doing the kids alone, but if he was well enough to work it would have been nice to have some help with bedtime. Despite her worry, it was irritation driving her through the last bits of bedtime.

By the time she'd put all three kids through the bath and had them pyjama'd it was seven and she'd dialled his cell at least another three times. In desperation she send him a text,

_Are you alright? I love you._

But no answering text came back. Giving up she fed the girls and put them to bed before sitting with Oren and reading him a story. She kissed him goodnight and pulled his door to before heading down stairs.

'Pace,' she was surprised to see him sat on the couch. She thought to be mad at him, strolling in just after the kids were in bed, but she knew him too well. 'What's wrong?' she was sat beside him in seconds and then he was hugging her like it was the end of the world. She couldn't even fathom what might be wrong. They'd had a brilliant morning together, he'd woken her up early - not for sex, after all he'd been unwell, but for kisses, wandering hands and conversation. Clearly feeling better, he'd laughed with his daughters, blowing raspberries on their bellies as he changed their diapers. He'd let Oren help him mix the pancake batter, and flip the pancakes and he couldn't seem to keep his eyes or hands off her.

'Sorry,' he said at length into her shoulder.

'What's happened?' she began to feel a knot of worry in the pit of her stomach as her mind turned to John, he'd been looking a little pale...or Doug, maybe something had happened at work... 'Pace...' she held his face in her hands but faltered at the sight of his tear filled eyes.

'I can't...' he looked down and his hands grasped at hers, his fingers rough on her skin as they caressed it.

'You can tell me anything, you know that,' she tried to still his hands but he looked quite unwell, as if he'd seen a ghost.

'I can't...not this...'

'Are your family ok? My family?' she could hardly speak over the thundering rhythm of her heart.

'They're fine,' he said the words bitterly, 'this is all me...' And for the first time she thought maybe there was someone else.

'Is there someone else?' she could barely say the words, couldn't believe it might be true.

'No,' his blue eyes were utterly sincere as they met hers, 'never, ever think that.'

'Then what is it?' she ran her hands through his hair.

'I just can't...' he took her hands from his hair and gripped them so hard it was almost painful.

'You're scaring me here Pace,' she felt tears prick at her eyes but held them at bay. Her words didn't even seem to reach him which scared her further. 'I need to know what happened?'

'No,' he looked down and shook his head. 'I can't tell you.'

'Did something happen with the restaurant?' she asked but he didn't respond. 'Did something happen with somebody? Was there an argument?'

'I have to go,' he said and her eyes burned. 'I just...' he squeezed her hands again and again it hurt.

'Don't go,' she gasped.

'I'm sorry,' he let go of her hands and stared at the red blotches left behind. 'I don't know what to do,' he stood abruptly.

'Why don't you start by telling me what's happening here? Is it me? Us? Do you want to leave me?'

'Want to leave you?' he echoed and turned to stare at her and then he was beside her and she was wrapped in his arms, the scent of him - her favourite smell in all the world filling her nose. 'That's the problem. I don't want to leave.'

'Well don't go, stay here and talk to me. We can get through anything Pace.'

'We can't get through this,' Pacey admitted in a quiet voice.

'There's nothing we can't get through,' she reiterated, but then she realized he was crying. Not wracking sobs, not noisy tears, but tears tracking their way down his beloved face. 'Pace,' she felt her insides literally wobble in fear and love. She felt her love for him echo through her body.

'There's nothing that can be done Jo. I begged, I pleaded, but there's nothing...' he kissed her hands that he'd yet again taken. Her mind ran through the possibilities and all she could come up with was that he must be in some kind of trouble with the wrong people.

'Maybe Doug...' she began but he looked at her, his blue eyes wet.

'Oh Jo,' he kissed her fiercely, ardently, but she pushed him off.

'I need to know what's going on Pacey. I can't help if I don't know and I need to know.'

'You do need to know,' he admitted and sat back on the couch, pulling her as close as he could possibly get her. He pressed her head against his chest and her ear was filled with the steady thump of his heart. She pushed against his hand for a second and looked him in the eye,

'Barring you falling out if love with me, there is nothing and I mean nothing that could stop me from loving you. And even then...'

'I know,' he acknowledged, 'the same is true for me.'

'Well then if it's not that, what is it?' she leant back against his chest reassured by the rhythm of his heart.

'I'm sorry,' he said again but she didn't fill the silence that followed, she waited, her hand smoothing across his stomach as she pressed intermittent kisses to his chest. 'I...' again he trailed off and the silence stretched, his hands in her hair, holding her to him, 'apparently...apparently...' he stopped again. 'I'm dying,' the words were simple in the end but they explained everything. Suddenly the world was closing in on her, the thumping of her heart so loud it drowned out his, her body warm, as her vision swam. Her eyes closed and she wished for a rewind, as her eyes burned and the lump in her throat threatened to strangle her. She wasn't sure how long his words overpowered her for, but at length her mind kicked in and the words that were scorched on her retinas blurred as she blinked back the overwhelming urge to cry and then cry some more, and cry forever. If Pacey had the mistaken notion that he was dying she needed to at least talk it through with him.

'I don't understand,' came out, the words strangled and distorted by the lump in her throat.

'I...I...I was sick at work again. I was going to come home...it was early and I just...wanted to sleep. I thought it was the tail end of the bug but then the pain...in my stomach. It was like those stomach aches but so much worse. So, so much worse. Dan...he drove me to the hospital when the pain didn't stop. I told him not to call you...I didn't want to worry you about nothing...I thought maybe I had gall stones. I'd heard that they could cause that pain and then the hospital thought the same, but they decided to run some tests. Some newbie didn't want to get it wrong,' he trailed off and for a long while there was silence.

'Tell me,' she whispered, unable to trust herself. She thought she might be sick but she took deep breaths.

'Despite having none of the risk factors and virtually no symptoms I have pancreatic cancer.'

'But cancer has treatment,' the words were muffled as she spoke them into his chest, unaware that tears were leaking out of her eyes despite her best efforts to prevent it.

'It's too late.'

'It can't be too late. You're only just twenty three and they just diagnosed you. That's ridiculous,' her anger was obvious.

'The only symptom I had was backache and an occasional, mild stomach ache and they weren't so bad. They say it can have no symptoms, not till it's too late anyway. There was no reason to assume any of the symptoms I had meant more than normal stuff. I could have just pulled my back, I was tired because I worked hard, because we have twins...you know. It's literally too late. They could try and buy me time, but there's nothing to be done. The tumour is inoperable, it's in my lymph nodes, and it's spread to my liver...I'm literally done Jo.'

'No,' she shook her head against his chest.

'I didn't believe them...They wanted to call you but I didn't believe them. I went to the boat and I sat on the deck with a beer. I sat there and thought about all the reasons why what they said isn't true. I'm only twenty three. I'm fit. I have a beautiful wife who I love more than anything, except for my three gorgeous children who I love just as much. I can't die because that would leave my lovely little Oren without a dad, without a dad to love the way his wonderful brain works. I can't die because I need to be there for Cleo and Ruby, I need to see them grow and get to know them. See if Ruby is as feisty as she promises to be, or whether Cleo will surprise us. I mean I can literally feel in my bones why I can't die but you know what?'

'No,' her voice was quiet.

'As I sat there I could feel it. I knew that all the reasons in the world wouldn't change the truth and I had to see you.'

'So they're going to do nothing? I don't understand,' she looked up at him,

'They said there's no point. It could be a matter of days. I could simply not wake up in the morning. As soon as that sank in I came straight here. If I'm not going to wake up in the morning...I have to be with you,' his eyes flooded with tears and then he was kissing her again desperately, his hands urgent as he touched her, as he sought comfort, absolution from a connection to her. She heeded his need as it matched her own, as they shared both sorrow and love and the misery of the truth as they came together. It wasn't particularly gentle or loving, but it was full of a desperation to share love and need.

They lay in a sweaty, naked heap on the couch, his body half on hers, his hand around one boob and his head on the other.

'I don't knew where to go from here. I don't know how to die and leave you all behind,' his voice cracked.

'I don't know how to let you,' she admitted, 'I don't know how to admit that's what will happen.'

'I'm meant to go back to the hospital tomorrow. Come with me. We can hear the news together and try and properly understand.'

'What if there is no tomorrow?' she asked, holding him close.

'I honestly don't know.'

'Are they sure? I mean are they really, really sure? Because mistakes are made all the time and...well you're ok. You are. You've just had a bit of back ache. A bit of a stomach ache and only now and then...I mean stress can do that. We've had so much on with the twins and Oren, the restaurant, the house...you look after me so much. Maybe you're just tired. You might be just tired.'

'I said the same things, but I saw the scan...they showed me the scan of everything...I could see it. They'll show you I'm sure.'

'If...if it's true,' the word crumbled in her mouth.

'The life insurance will make sure everything is ok financially...'

'I don't care about finances. I don't care about money,' she fumed and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear,

'It matters...'

'Then let's not talk finances tonight...it's too much...'

'But what if there is no tomorrow?' he echoed her earlier words.

'Pacey,' she couldn't stop the tears from falling, 'I'm sorry. I'm trying to be brave...'

'I'd honestly be a little hurt if you didn't cry,' he teased softly and she blurred her face against the warm skin of his chest. 'It comforts me to know the house will be paid off, that the kids can go to college. That if you can't work...that you'll be ok.'

'We won't be ok,' she admitted, 'we'll never be ok. I won't have you, they won't have their daddy, there's no way we can be ok. Do you have any idea how much I really love you? Do you have any idea about the person you are? You're just...you're the best person I've ever known. You're the only one I could ever love so wildly, so completely, so endlessly. I don't think I can be ok without you.'

'Unfortunately you'll need to be. Jo...I was there when things were bad for you. I know you can look after the children and be that way, but I don't want that to happen to you again. I won't be there if it does. I can't die thinking that I'll be sending you back there.'

'Pacey, I can't promise not to be sad. I can't...'

'Joey, I know. I know. All I can do is imagine these feelings inside of me exploding and lasting and that must be something like you'll feel. You're strong though Joey. You have to promise me you'll be as strong as you can. Grieve but move on...'

'This morning you were teasing me about my holey socks...I can't have a conversation about grief...I can't promise not to be depressed you died. I can't even think of you dying...I can't.'

'I just can't stop thinking of you all...of not being here to look after you...'

'Pace...look at me,' she looked up at him and his eyes met hers. 'I will look after those children. I will give them a happy and healthy childhood. I will love them completely and utterly and they will know you. They will know everything about you. But I cannot promise that I will ever be truly happy inside once you are gone. I can't even think of that without dying inside a little. I won't lose myself, I can't lose myself but I will not promise to be happy. You can't ask that of me, not now.'

'I'm sorry we even have to talk about this...they were just so...definite. The end is nigh,' he sighed and pressed his face into her chest.

'Can I ask how you feel?'

'I feel...strange. The pain was so bad they gave me some strong painkillers. I guess they've worked. I feel slightly...I don't know, like I'm really tired. I've been tired a lot. I'm nauseous on and off. I don't feel right. Since Sunday I haven't. They said that happens in cases like mine. People are nearly fine and at the end it comes on all at once. I don't feel like I'm going to die in my sleep though.'

'I'm honestly scared to go to bed.'

'I'll hold you all night,' he promised and she nodded. 'And I'm scared too.'

'Is this a dream? It feels unreal.'

'I hope so...I hope we wake up in the morning and it's all a bad dream,' he sighed. 'Lets go to bed Joey. Tomorrow isn't going to be easy.'

'You go up...I'll call Doug. Ask him to meet us here first thing. We need someone to watch the kids.'

'Don't make Doug be alone with them after we tell him... Jack will be at school, but maybe Kerry. I can't deal with mom and pops just yet...one thing at a time. Gretchen has Lucy to deal with...'

'I get it,' she took his hand and held it. 'Doug and Kerry,' she nodded and he headed up the stairs. Joey moved slowly through to the kitchen and then unable to be strong anymore collapsed to the floor and cried, cried like she had never cried, not even in all the months of her depression for this was a misery that she had never before endured. She heaved a ragged breath and suppressed the feeling of panic, tried to quell the rapid pounding of her heart. She stood, slowly, shakily fighting the urge to seek comfort from the one person who needed her strength more than they ever had before. She got a glass of water surprised to find that her hand was shaking. She put down the glass and picked up the phone and dialled Doug's number. Jack answered,

'Hello.'

'Um...Doug,' she attempted.

'Is that you Joey?' Jack sounded amused.

'Please Jack,' she said and something in her voice clearly got through to him.

'Sure,' he said and seconds later she heard Doug,

'Joey, what's wrong?' his voice was so warm, so sincere in its concern that tears threatened again.

'Can you come here tomorrow morning. First thing?'

'I'm on duty Jo,' he said and she could hear his frown.

'You need to swap shifts. You need to be here first thing. Please get Kerry to be here too.'

'What's going on Joey?'

'Just be here,' she hung up the phone and then climbed the stairs. She looked in on Oren who was bundled in his covers. She straightened them out and kissing his head went to check on Cleo. Her blond hair, her button nose, her fair lashes splayed on rounded cheeks. Everything about her was perfect. She felt the same surge of love when she went through to Ruby's room. Unlike her sister she slept in a ball on her stomach her little bum stuck in the air, her dark hair an unruly mess and completely straight unlike her brother and sister. Satisfied that the children were fine she went through the bathroom and then into her bedroom. Pacey was under the covers. She stripped off and decided to forgo night clothes slipping into the bed beside him.

'Hey,' he wrapped his arms around her tightly, 'you speak to Doug?'

'Yeah,' she turned in his arms and rested her head against his chest, unable to stop the tears.

'It's going to be ok,' he assured her but the words echoed in the room, they both knew that it wouldn't be ok.

* * *

Joey didn't think she'd slept. She couldn't stop herself from listening to the sound of Pacey's breathing, from placing her hand on his chest so she could feel the reassuring thump of his heart. Cleo woke at about four, followed by Ruby at four thirty. Joey wanted to get up after they were settled but she couldn't bare to leave Pacey who despite the news seemed tired enough to sleep. She supposed that was part of his illness. He didn't wake up when the girls cried and she fetched them for their morning feed but he did wake up when Oren bounded in. He grabbed the small boy into a cuddle, tugging him under the covers and smothering him in kisses.

'Daddy,' Oren protested giggling.

'How's my gorgeous boy today?'

'I'm good daddy. I didn't get woken up by the girls so I'm not tired. Am I going to Grandma's after school?'

'Well today I'm going to take the day off work and maybe we can take the boat out? It's meant to be warmish today.'

'It's not that warm daddy,' Oren gave him an amused look.

'Well we can dress warm and only go for a little while,' Pacey ruffled his hair. Joey noticed the bags under his eyes and the off colour of his skin.

'Mommy and the girls too?' Oren was smiling.

'Sure,' Pacey grinned.

'Can I bring my fishing rod?'

'Sure you can,' Pacey nodded.

'And can we catch a big fish? A really, really big one?'

'We can try,' he chuckled. 'We might not go far Kiddo. Just pootle.'

'I like to pootle,' Oren grinned, 'I'm going to go find my fishing rod.'

'Sure. Mommy and daddy have got a meeting to go to this morning - boring adult stuff so Uncle Doug and Aunty Kerry are going to take you to school.'

'Will he drive me in the cruiser?' Oren's eyes widened in joy.

'Well the girls will be there so it will be tricky to fit in the cruiser. Maybe Aunty Kerry can stay home with the girls. You'll have to ask him.'

'Oh I will. I told Finn that my uncle is sheriff and he didn't believe me, but now he'll have to. Will Uncle Doug be in his uniform?'

'I don't think so,' Joey managed to say despite how closed up her throat felt.

'But he'll have his badge,' Pacey said, 'now scoot and get dressed.'

'Aye, aye,' Oren flew with gusto out of the room.

'Hey,' Pacey looked at her and she actually felt resentment to her nursing daughters for keeping her from his arms.

'Hey,' she felt his fingers seeking hers even though they were under Ruby and she shifted slightly.

'You sleep?'

'I don't think so,' she answered honestly.

'Maybe you can take a nap later?' he suggested but she could tell he knew she wouldn't.

'I'll take a tablet tonight, but I'm not spending day time sleeping,' she couldn't bare to refer to it as the time they had left. It still felt like a surreal concept that her time left with Pacey might be somehow quantifiable, and not a future ending up in old age.

'Ok,' he nodded and then shuffled closer taking Cleo in his arms. She was a faster eater than her sister and usually finished first. Pacey rubbed her back as she grabbed at his face.

'You're so calm,' Joey said unable to stop the burn of tears.

'Inside I'm not Jo, but I can't change this. All I can do is make the most of what I have left and I can't do that if I'm yelling at the kids because I'm not coping, or rushing...just rushing in general. I want to feel hopeful about the appointment today. I'm hoping there's more hope than they thought.'

'Maybe,' she looked at him and when their eyes met she knew that they both knew there was little chance.

'I don't want to have to tell Doug and Kerry. I don't want to have to tell anyone. The thought of talking to Oren hurts my heart, but I have to. I have to tell everyone. And what really gets me Jo is that you have to live with it all after I'm gone, that I won't be here with you supporting you through it.'

'Oh Pace, you're always with me...' she admitted in a quiet voice. 'Don't you remember what I said about you being my good mood pill?'

'You still do that?' Pacey smiled at her.

'Yeah, I still do that,' she shifted closer to him now that Ruby was done feeding. They each lay the girls on their outstretched legs in a much practiced position and then he wrapped his arm around her. 'I feel like...like we're so connected that where you end and I begin blurs at times. Our lives are so entwined together. Every bit of my life is linked to you, so you're always with me.'

'Well that brings me a little comfort,' he sighed and kissed her head his left hand playing with Cleo's and then Ruby's toes.

'And there's not much comfort to be had right now,' Joey admitted.

'No,' Pacey rested his head on her shoulder. 'I should shower. When did you tell Dougy to get here?'

'I said first thing,' Joey admitted.

'Which means he'll be at the door at any moment,' Pacey kissed her gently. 'I wish we could shower together.' He stood for a moment and she could tell he didn't feel good because he paled and took a moment or two to steady himself.

'Oh me too,' she couldn't quite smile though. 'You go first and I'll get these two dressed and remind Oren that he's meant to be getting dressed and not looking at books, or playing lego.'

'Ok.'

* * *

Joey had been downstairs for five minutes when the knock to the door came. The girls were in the living room on the rug with a bunch of toys and Oren was sat at the table drawing, his favourite pre breakfast activity. Joey wasn't sure how she'd managed to get out of the shower when there was endless sorrow to vent. She didn't feel at all better from the tears and feared that shock had set in, she just felt odd and sick, and kind of desperate. Her stomach twisted savagely as she thought of the minutes ahead, the hours ahead, the day ahead. She pulled open the door to find both Doug and Kerry. She wanted to say hello but that lump in her throat was so large she could only open the door and gesture them inside. They both looked at her and clearly she wasn't hiding her emotions as well as she thought because they entered in silence.

'Uncle Dougy, Aunty Kerry,' Oren barrelled through from the kitchen and flung himself in a broad spectrum hug across both pairs of legs. 'Daddy said you'd take me to school today and can we please, please go in your cruiser? The girls would have to stay with Aunty Kerry, but please?'

'I think...' Joey began surprised at the croak in her voice, the weakness. 'I think,' she began again, 'maybe you can all walk together and Uncle Dougy might pick you up.'

'Please?' she watched as Oren turned his large pleading eyes on his uncle who laughed,

'Sure thing kiddo.'

'Say Oren, what's say I put some cartoons on for you as a special treat? Could you watch cartoons and keep an eye on the girls?' his dad had come through and it struck Joey that he looked thin. They'd joked a little about him thinning out, but now it didn't look entirely healthy.

'But I'm not allowed cartoons in the week,' Oren frowned.

'Special treat because your aunt and uncle are here,' Pacey turned the television on and Oren jumped up on the couch,

'You just want to talk to them without me,' he mused.

'No,' Pacey feigned insult and the boy laughed. 'Come on guys, I put the coffee on.'

Joey watched his brother and sister follow him through to the kitchen. She looked at the girls who seemed happy enough.

'Call me if they cry or you're worried,' she ruffled Oren's hair.

'Sure mommy.'

She walked through to the kitchen where Doug, Kerry and Pacey were sat at the table, four mugs at the four different places. One place filled that would soon be empty. She stood for a moment at the kitchen island and breathed. She had to find some strength, some inner calm and resolve because Pacey needed her more than ever. Right now this must be hurting him and distressing him probably even more than her, though that seemed an unimaginable amount of pain. After he was gone it could be about her, but until then it had to be about him, about him and the kids and she had to cope, she had to deal and she really had to hold it together. Swallowing she walked over to the table and sat down next to him, taking his hand and holding it tightly.

'So what's going on guys?' Doug asked and she realized that he knew it was something big. She would never have demanded that he change a shift for anything less than an emergency. She looked to Pacey and he was staring at the table, his hands gripping hers in that painful manner again. She welcomed the pain this time, it helped ground her.

'Pace...um...he got some bad news yesterday,' bad didn't really seem to dent the truth but they had to start somewhere.

'Did something go wrong at the Icehouse?' Doug asked in the silence that followed.

'Please Jo,' Pacey looked at her with piercing blue eyes and she nodded.

'Pace was kind of sick at work yesterday...he was in a lot of pain so Dan took him to the hospital. They thought it was gall stones but it was...it was...' she looked to Pacey and found his blue eyes full of tears, 'it _is_ cancer...'

'Pacey,' Kerry's hand flew to her mouth.

'I don't understand,' Doug's response echoed hers. 'I mean you're young and healthy and...'

'I'm dying,' Pacey managed to say in a hushed voice. 'There's nothing...they said there was nothing...nothing to be done...'

'I don't understand...what about chemo, radiotherapy, surgery,' Doug was leaning across the table whilst Kerry sat back in her chair, a bewildered look on her face. She shook her head,

'What type?'

'Pancreatic,' Joey said when Pacey didn't, his eyes once again glued on their entwined hands.

'They can operate...' Doug began but Joey shook her head,

'They said it's too late. That it has spread to his lymph nodes and his liver...'

'But you're only twenty three, they have to do something!' Doug growled clearly unaware that he was crying, 'you have a wife and little kids, a whole life ahead of you...they can't just give up...'

'I'm going back this morning, with Joey...we'll see but they said that it could be any day. I might get another six weeks if I'm lucky but it's so advanced I could die today...whatever they might do I'm going to die,' Pacey said the words and it was as if he finally realized what that meant. Joey too took it on board. They weren't discussing the fact that Pacey had cancer, or the fact that he was dying, or that he might die. The fact was he was going to die and there was absolutely nothing to be done to prevent it. The silence was broken by the sound of Ruby's cries. Cleo joined the chorus. Joey knew she had to get them. She kissed Pacey's cheek and tugged her hands but he didn't let go.

'I need to get the girls,' she whispered softly and he looked at her and nodded, reluctantly releasing her hands. She stood, surprised by how shaky she felt and headed to the living room, hoisting both girls into her arms, a skill born by much practice. She returned to the kitchen and slid first Ruby and then Cleo into their high chairs. She looked in the cupboard and found some bread and grabbed a couple of bananas from the fruit bowl. Peeling the bananas she gave them to the still fussing girls. She sat back beside Pacey who retook her hands.

'You don't look sick,' Kerry said and they all looked at him. Joey again took in his weight loss, the slight yellow tinge to his skin hidden by his tan and she felt a physical pain in her heart. Kerry looked away, swiping at tears.

'I know,' Pacey admitted, 'but really this has just come on the last week...that stomach bug that was really this and the yellow, that's just become apparent this morning I guess...maybe the tan hid it. I thought I was tired...it's not obvious...and the weight...I thought I was just working hard. There are a lot of little symptoms I thought were caused by other things but really I don't feel good. I'm tired, I'm tired a lot. I've been falling asleep in the office at work...you all know that...but I thought it was the girls waking me at night. I've felt sick and been off my food but that's been recent, and this pain in my back...and in my stomach - it was just annoying not worrying. All independently explainable, but together...'

'No,' Doug shook his head, his mouth in a thin line. 'It's not possible. I get what they said, but you're right - there are other reasons why you might be feeling that way...you have a lot on...and...'

'Dougy I really don't want it to be true, I really, really don't but I have to face facts...I have to accept...and make sure that everything is sorted...that Jo and the kids...'

'Pace,' she gripped his hands unsure what she was really saying but he stopped talking and looked at her. 'We can get everything sorted,' she said carefully, kindly.

'Ok, because I just keep thinking of, you know all the things...'

'I'll get a pad and pen. We'll work on the list at the hospital,' she reassured and he let out a sigh of relief.

'Thanks,' he nodded.

'You can't believe it's actually going to come to you...you dying?' Doug was frowning at them.

'Doug, they took me through it three times. They scanned me three times and three different doctors said the same thing. I have no choice but to believe it, to prepare for it.'

'But maybe today, maybe they'll have something to offer? Some treatment, or something?' Kerry asked and Joey realized that she must have been the same the night before, full of disbelief and questions. She realized she still was, that she still desperately hoped for a miracle, for some solution.

'Pace?' she looked at him and his eyes met hers and she knew, just like she knew that despite the trip to the hospital they would take it would be about making the end more comfortable.

'As I said, none of this is about cure, it's about making the end bearable.'

'I need five minutes,' Doug pushed his chair back abruptly and left by the back door. Kerry stared unseeing.

'Anything...I'll do anything...' she said, 'I can rearrange my hours, help with the kids...anything...'

'Could you...could you organize for the rest of the family to come here for dinner? We'll get takeout. After the kids are in bed...Steve and Jack too of course...your kids if you want them to hear it from me, up to you...Bessie and Bodie as well though maybe they should get a sitter for Alex...' Pacey asked.

'Ok,' she nodded.

'Mommy, I'm hungry,' Oren was stood in the doorway looking at the three adults and Joey knew they must look very, very serious. The tears were obvious, 'why are you all so sad?'

'Oh we're ok,' Joey gave him an utterly fake smile and he stared at her.

'Mommy,' his face was clouded by worry and she saw tears in his blue eyes that were a replica of his fathers.

'Come here little guy,' she said softly and he padded over to her and clamoured up on her knee. Pacey put a hand on his arm and squeezed,

'We're just talking about some tricky grown up stuff,' Pacey attempted and Oren frowned,

'So I can't know?'

'Daddy and I are going to tell you all about it on the boat this afternoon. Maybe Aunty Kerry or grandma can take the girls and you can have an afternoon of mommy and daddy to yourself!'

'Really?'

'I can do that,' Kerry said a little mechanically but Oren didn't seem to notice. The back door opened and Doug came back in. He crossed the room and put a hand on each of their shoulders,

'You need me, you got me...' he said.

* * *

Joey sat on the deck of the boat and watched Pacey and Oren fish together. They hadn't actually caught anything but that didn't seem to bother her son who was just pleased to have his mom and dad to himself. She moved a little closer and smiled as Pacey patiently led Oren through casting the line for the fifth time. She did notice that he was sitting, that he looked pale. He'd gone below deck a couple of times and she knew he'd been sick because he came back smelling like toothpaste. When the lines were in Pacey cleared his throat,

'So Oren...you remember this morning...when we were all a little sad?'

'Are you telling me about it now?' Oren asked in that direct manner of his. Joey's heart beat was deafening. She and Pacey had decided how to handle it that morning after they were told that pain relief was all they could be offered as palliative care. Radiotherapy and chemotherapy would have little effect on the cancer at this point and might only reduce his quality of life given that what was left was so short.

'I am,' his dad nodded and Joey stood and moved until she was sat next to her son, Pacey on the other side.

'Ok,' he nodded and waited and she wondered whether there wasn't a very old soul in his very young body.

'It seems...it seems that I'm going to be going away...' Pacey began and Oren frowned.

'What? Where? Why? Do you have to?' the questions came in a flurry.

'I don't want to. I don't want to leave your mommy, or you, or Cleo or Ruby, I love you all so much. I love you more than anything in the world.'

'So then why are you going?' his eyes were glassy but he was holding in the tears.

'I don't have a choice,' Pacey pulled Oren onto his lap.

'Someones making you? Who can make you go? And where are you going? For how long?'

'Do you understand about something dying?' Pacey asked gently and Oren burst into tears and wrapped his arms around his dad.

'How long will you be dead for?' he sobbed into Pacey's neck and Pacey began to cry as well.

'I don't get to come back, that's what's really unfair,' he explained and Oren pushed away from him, his eyes meeting his dads. 'When you die you go forever.'

'But forever is a really long time,' he said through his tears, 'Can we visit you?'

'It doesn't work like that. I'll be gone, really gone, my body, my soul and I can't come back. I won't ever come back.'

'Will I see you again when I die?' he asked and Joey fought the pain as Pacey took the child's hand in his,

'That's complicated because no one really knows. I'd prefer you try and find me in the world around you. Look at a boat and think about how much I would have liked it. Choose the prettiest dresses for your sisters because you know I would have. Make pancakes and sneak in the chocolate chips when mommy isn't looking. Read the books we read together. Get mommy to tell you the other books I read and read them as you get older.'

'But I want to have you there,' Oren pressed his face back against his dad.

'Oren, we'll always be a team,' Joey said, 'daddy, me, you and the girls. That's our family and daddy will be part of it even when he's gone.'

'He can't be part of a team when he's gone...that's impossible,' Oren shouted at her which was so unlike him.

'Oren, you and your sisters are half me...I can never be completely gone because of that. Mommy and I grew up together...we shaped the way each other grew. Mommy is right. Without me here you need to be a stronger team than ever, look after each other, look out for each other.'

'Of course I'll do that,' Oren rubbed his eyes with his fists, 'but just don't do it. Just don't die. Tell them you won't.'

'Oh honey,' Pacey pulled him closer, 'it's not a choice or about being forced. Daddy has got a disease inside of him and it's making the parts of me that keep me alive stop working.'

'When do you have to go?' he raised a teary face to them both and Joey wrapped her arms around them both kissing Oren's head, kissing Pacey.

'I don't know...you can't know.'

'But if they gave you a time...'

'We hope it'll be a long time but it might be very soon, so we're going to spend as much time with daddy as we can.'

'I don't know what to do now,' Oren said honestly, 'I don't know whether I can feel happy again ever. What do I do?'

'We carry on sweetheart, we look after each other, we read stories, we fish, cook meals and spend time,' Joey pressed a kiss to his cheek.

'And one day daddy just dies?'

'Yes,' she was honest in return. 'And it will be horrible. Really, really terrible...but time will pass and we'll be ok.'

'I don't want to be ok... I don't see how that can be true...'

'Right now I don't either, but I think we all need to believe it.'

'Ok,' he nodded, curling up between his parents his head on Pacey's lap. 'Can we go home now? I want to go home.'

'We can go home,' Joey nodded. 'You guys sit and I'll turn us back to the dock.'

* * *

'Why don't you guys watch a movie whilst I get dinner ready?' she asked as they entered the house. Pacey had fallen asleep on the boat with Oren resting on his lap and he still looked tired. Throughout the course of the afternoon she'd noticed a general decline in him. He'd been sick several times and the yellow tinge ever more obvious.

'I can help,' he offered but she shook her head.

'You go watch something with Oren and I'll get dinner done? I rang Kerry and she's dropping the girls home soon.'

'Ok,' he nodded and she kissed him. 'It's more obvious isn't it? Even today from yesterday?'

'Yeah,' she admitted. 'The painkillers will be making you tired as well.'

'I know...'

'I love you Pace,' she kissed him. 'I can't stop thinking about all the things...all the moments we pushed off as something else. I'm sorry...'

'Why are you sorry?' he stared at her with wide eyes.

'I'm sorry because I should have noticed...I should have realized...'

'Joey, you more than anyone did realize. You told me to go to the doctor with my back, and then again when I was complaining about being tired. You looked up all about stomach aches and you know it...it's just this was not the logical conclusion. I had a little pain in my stomach, right where I knock it all the time at the restaurant, you know when I reach up to that top shelf by my prep board on the stupid cupboard handle. I just thought it was that. That's what it should have been...this is out of the left field.'

'Come here,' she whispered and they stood for a few minutes hugging.

'I better sit down,' he said at length and when he sat on the couch she realized it had been an effort to stand. Oren immediately cuddled up next to his dad and so she put the tv on and pressed play on Aladdin.

'You need anything?' she asked and he shook his head, cuddling his son.

'Just the girls in here when they're home.

'Sure,' she smiled.

* * *

Kerry dropped the girls home and Joey was about to put them in the living room but Oren looked at her.

'Daddy's asleep again,' he grinned, but she felt her heart stop like it had on the boat. She looked at her husband who was lying so still and she put the girls down on the floor and then went behind the couch and pressed a kiss to Pacey's head. It felt like a long moment before she saw his chest rise and then fall again. Her heart rate didn't drop though as she fought back the tears and went back to the kitchen where Kerry was draining the pasta for the children's dinner.

'Are you ok?' she asked but then shook her head, 'of course you're not...I'm sorry...'

'He was so still...I thought...you know that...'

'Oh Joey,' Kerry put the pan back on the cooker top and wrapped her arms around her. 'There's nothing I can say to make any of this better, not even a little bit, but I'm not going to be scared away by not knowing what to say. I mean I don't even know what to say to myself. If I'm a mess...I can't even imagine...'

'He told Oren...I thought my heart had broken before but now I know how it really feels...'

'How did Oren take it?' Kerry's eyes filled with tears.

'He only half understands...I think it's sinking in. He's been very quiet and won't leave Pacey. I know how he feels. Carrying on with all that I have to is torture. I want to curl up by his side and hold him forever...only forever isn't what I thought it was, not anymore. Forever could be a month, a week, a day, an hour or even a matter of minutes. When I think like that I just don't know what to do.'

'Then let's take each minute at a time. The good thing about a big family Joey is that there are lots of us. There's your sister and Bodie, Doug and Jack, me and Steve, mom and dad, Gretchen and Hal, even Anna will be here tonight.'

'But you all have your own lives...'

'And our lives are intertwined with yours...this is not normal life...this is something that you put normal life on hold for. Gretchen called Sophie to come in and sit for her, I have the girl from next door, Bessie has a friend...we can be here for you and we will...'

'Thank you...I better do the kids dinner. I just want to go check everyone... could you grate some cheese and there's a tub of sauce in the fridge that I was going to reheat...'

'Sure,' Kerry kissed Joey's cheek and Joey headed back through. The girls had somehow managed drag themselves to toys and were happily playing. Oren wasn't watching the movie but was staring at his dad.

'Why aren't you watching Oren?'

'I'm watching daddy breathe. It takes him a long time...'

'Oh hun, you watch the movie...I'll look after daddy.'

'But what happens if he doesn't take the next breath?'

'You call me,' she whispered and he nodded, sliding his hand up his dad's shirt and pressing it over his heart. Joey understood exactly what he was doing.

* * *

Doug arrived as she was reading Oren his stories. She'd had to read extra stories because he hadn't wanted her to leave. He'd kept asking what they would do if daddy wasn't there in the morning and Joey had struggled to figure out how to respond. All she could come up with was reassuring him that if daddy was gone he would leave all his love behind and take all of theirs with him. Oren was a little mollified but he reached for his old bear and held it tightly asking if she would check on him. Joey was weary as she climbed down the stairs to find Doug and Kerry setting the table.

'How you doing?' Doug dropped the napkins and pulled her close to him.

'You know,' she pressed her face to his chest.

'How long has he been asleep?'

'He fell asleep on the boat at around three thirty. He woke up for a little while, but since then really I guess.'

'I kept laughing when I found him asleep in the office these last few weeks...' Doug admitted.

'The doctor said he'll sleep more and more...as you know...'

'I assumed he was tired you know because of the girls. I teased him it was his enthusiasm for your new "mental health regime," then I guess I thought it was from his bug...but...'

'It wasn't a bug of course' Joey rubbed her eyes. 'The kids are in bed but I don't want to wake him until everyone is here. If he's asleep he needs the rest.'

'Sure,' Doug nodded.

'I need to sort some stuff out...can you guys finish this?'

'Sure,' they both nodded.

Joey headed through to the living room and looked at Pacey. For a minute she sat next to him and her hand found his heart, the thump steady and reassuring. He looked worse. She sighed. Standing reluctantly she found her back pack and headed back through to the kitchen. She opened a drawer and took out the bits of paper and junk in there and then opened the backpack, pulling out her list and the drugs she had picked up from the hospital pharmacy. She put them in the drawer in an organized fashion then frowned. She opened one drawer down and got out a permanent marker. She marked the list with a letter for each drug and then pulled out each bottle one by one, carefully checking her list and marking the lid with the correlating letter. She closed the drawer and pulled out a piece of paper and made a chart which indicated which drug should be administered and when. Again she double checked everything, and then she taped it to the wall.

Digging in her bag she pulled out the grey cardboard tubs the hospital had given her in case Pacey felt sick and she put them on the shelf above the drawers. She then got a roll of paper napkins and put them there as well. Afterwards she went upstairs and got a spare toothbrush and toothpaste from under the bathroom sink and took them down to the small restroom off the hall. There was a knock at the door and Doug stopped her from answering.

'They don't have a clue Jo. They think you've got an announcement... something... just don't expect them to behave...appropriately...'

'Pacey doesn't need only tears...they'll come soon enough. Could you...let everyone in? I need to get a few things for us from upstairs for the spare room down here.'

'He'll be sleeping downstairs?' Doug frowned.

'Hopefully not...but it's been a tough day. I need to be prepared.'

'Of course...'

'Unfortunately the day will come...or I might need someone to stay over...I just want to do this all whilst he sleeps, so I can be with him when he's awake.'

'I'm sorry, I just can't really believe that this is happening...'

'I understand Doug, I do.'

'Of course,' he said again and when a second knock came she headed upstairs and Doug opened the door to Mary, John, Gretchen and Hal. Joey then heard her sister and Bodie. She fought the tears as she heard the cheerful voices, then Gretchen's loud laughter. She grabbed some towels, spare night clothes for both her and Pacey and then headed back down the stairs as Anna arrived with Steve.

'Joey,' Anna grinned and pulled her into a hug. 'Dump the washing and come talk,' she smiled. 'And please tell me you'll let me sneak a peak at my gorgeous nephew and nieces?'

'I will, I will...'

'Nice of you guys to do us dinner, though next time a little notice for the sitter...' Gretchen said and somehow Joey was drawn into the kitchen and the laughter and the loudness of their family still clutching night clothes and towels.

'So where's my little brother?' Gretchen asked, 'off picking up dinner from the restaurant so you don't have to cook?' Anna and Bessie laughed.

'He could always go to Leery's sometimes,' Bodie smirked.

'No, he's here...he um fell asleep earlier, I'll go get him.'

'You let him sleep through bedtime? You're a better woman than I,' Gretchen looked sternly at Hal.

'Their kids actually go to bed,' Hal pointed out.

'Still a better woman,' Bessie agreed.

'I'll be back,' Joey felt awkward, guilty of lying by omission as she headed through to Pacey. She dumped the clothes and towels on the couch and sat beside him, watching his peaceful face, so young in his sleep. Then again he was young, so young.

'Pace,' she shook his shoulder gently and then again and slowly his eyes opened.

'I'm sorry,' he said, 'I fell asleep again...'

'It's ok...' she trailed off as the colour drained from his face.

'I'm going to be sick,' he whispered and bent his head forward clearly holding the nausea at bay.

'Ok,' she jumped up and ran through to the crowded kitchen and grabbed the bowl Kerry had put out for salad or something.

'Jo?' Doug asked above the noise.

'He's going to be sick,' she rushed back out of the room and handed him the bowl, watched as his body heaved, and heaved again, the meagre contents of his stomach ending up in the bowl, her hand on his back, rubbing. 'All done?' she asked softly.

'Think so,' he said and then shook his head as he heaved again. 'Ok, yeah...'

'You rest there a second I'll get you a glass of water,' she pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

'Thank you...everyone is here?'

'Yeah,' she nodded.

'Ok,' he said as she stood up and headed back into the kitchen.

'Everything ok Joey?' Mary looked at her and Joey gave her a weak smile.

'Is Pacey still unwell...you should have just cancelled or not organized this for today in the first place,' Gretchen widened her eyes. Clearly she was confused as to why Pacey and Joey would organize a family get together last minute especially if one of them was sick.

'It's ok,' Joey attempted, 'I'm just getting him a glass of water...give us a couple of minutes.' She headed over to the drawer she'd prepared earlier and looked at the chart. He wasn't due anything but there were some anti-nausea tablets the doctor had prescribed so she opened the drawer and pulled out the bottle. She read it carefully and took out two tablets before putting it back in its place.

'What's with the chart?' Bessie was staring at the chart, a hand on her sisters back. Joey closed her eyes for a moment. 'Joey?' she shook her head because she recognized the chart from when their mother had been sick.

'Please Bes, just give me a minute to look after him,' she closed her hand on the tablets and picked up the water glass before heading through to the living room where Pacey was still hunched. 'Here's your water,' she said and he reached for the glass but only took a small sip. 'These should help with the nausea,' she gave him the tablets which he put in his mouth and swallowed with another small sip. 'Keep sipping at it,' she instructed.

'Ok,' he nodded. 'I need to brush my teeth,' he said.

'I put a toothbrush and toothpaste for you in the downstairs rest room,' she told him and he looked at her.

'You're amazing,' he leant his head on her shoulder.

'No you are,' she took the glass when she saw that his hand was shaking and put it on the table.

'Come on then,' he murmured and he stood, faltering a little. She slipped her hand into his and took the bowl of sick with them. She poured the vomit into the toilet and rinsed out the bowl before spraying it and wiping it with tissue. She washed her hands whilst he brushed. 'I fear the explanation tonight may fall mainly to you. I'm so tired Joey,' he rested his arms on the sink and then put his head on his arms.

'Come on Pace, I'll get Doug to get the garden recliner in. You always say how comfy that is...you can sit in that.'

'Have I said lately how awesome you are?'

'You can always say it again.'

'You're awesome,' he raised himself up and wrapped her in his arms and pressed a kiss to her lips. 'Lets go face the music.'

They walked into the crowded kitchen. Joey was relieved that Doug had everyone sat at the table except for Kerry who was finishing off the salad.

'Wow Pace, you don't look so good,' Gretchen stared at her brother.

'That stomach flu still bothering you?' Mary stared at her son. 'I'm always saying you do too much.'

'He's a young man,' John defended but looked at Pacey with a frown.

'Doug, could you get the lounge chair from the shed, you know the really comfy one?'

'Sure,' Doug was gone in a second.

'Sit down Pace,' Anna pushed out a chair and Pacey sat on it, his hand still holding Joey's.

'I didn't order food,' she realized.

'It's ok, it's done and Papa John's deliver,' Kerry squeezed her arm as she put the salad onto the table.

'You should go to bed Pace,' John told his son. 'You don't look right. You may be young but you're not invincible.' The table had fallen unusually quiet in the face of Pacey's demeanour. Normally the life and soul of the party it seemed to Joey that no one quite knew how to fill the jovial gap left vacant.

'That bug's been going round school,' Jack said.

'You're not contagious?' Hal frowned, always the hypochondriac and Pacey actually chuckled and shook his head.

'The doc assures me I'm not,' he said, and his laughter broke the tense mood, alleviating the mood of everyone around the table except for Bessie who was staring alternately at her sister and Pacey.

'Here you go little bro,' Doug opened the back door and Jack jumped up to help him bring in the large plastic chair.

'Aaah, my plastic but comfortable beast,' Pacey murmured looking up at Joey. Doug removed the chair at the head of the table and put the garden chair there. 'Even tilts back.'

'So if you fall asleep again I'll just lie you back,' Joey teased.

'Perfect,' he smiled and she helped him to stand and when he sat back down in the comfy, cushioned garden chair he sighed and closed his eyes for a minute. Joey moved away and got him a fresh glass of water and retrieved the bowl from earlier. Returning she put the bowl between his chair and hers, and the glass of water in front of him.

'Pace,' she said gently and he opened his eyes.

'Sorry everyone,' he murmured into the general conversation. 'Unfortunately this isn't stomach flu and it isn't going to get any better,' he said the words into the noise of general conversation, conversation that stopped all at once. Joey helped him tell them everything and realized it would probably never get any easier. That it would always be terrible. Somewhere around John's disbelief and Gretchen's tears Pacey fell asleep again so it was left to Joey to ask for the help they needed, to commiserate with his family over a loss they couldn't yet comprehend would occur. The food came but went mostly uneaten. Her heart pounded when she realized Pacey hadn't eaten all day except for a quarter of a cheese sandwich at lunch. She stood and found some soup from the Icehouse in the fridge. As his family talked and cried she focused on pouring the soup into a pan, turning on the heat and stirring it round and round.

'You shouldn't have to go through this again,' Bessie was beside her.

'But I am,' she said fighting back the tears.

'I just can't believe it,' her sister shook her head, 'I can see it now.'

'Yesterday you couldn't,' Joey admitted, 'not like today. In one day he's gotten so much worse and I'm scared Bes. All the signs are there that...that he won't have much longer...yesterday I didn't even know he was sick beyond a stomach bug, from getting over it and now I'm worried he won't wake up tomorrow.'

'It's cruel, the speed of this...it's nothing but cruel. The kids, you...people wonder why i have trouble with my relationship with God. I'm pretty sure you don't wonder.'

'No, I don't...' Joey turned off the heat and moved the pan. She got a bowl and spoon out and poured the soup in and took it to the table. Gently she shook Pacey and at length his eyes opened.

'I fell asleep again?'

'We got everything sorted. All the things we talked about at the hospital, all the things on your list - everyone is going to help and so you don't need to worry.'

'Even the restaurant stuff?'

'Even that. Doug rang Dan and explained everything. He suggested Judy help him and I knew you'd agree.'

'Thank you,' he took her hands. 'It's like they told me and that's prompted me down the slippery slope to death,' the words echoed down the table. Joey allowed Doug to handle John and Mary's insistence that there must be something that could be done and she focused on her husband.

'You need to eat something Pace,' she told him gently.

'Oh I couldn't,' he shook his head.

'Just a little soup...please...'

'You need to eat Pacey,' Bessie said firmly. 'You want to be around tomorrow, you need to eat.'

'Ok,' he nodded and Joey looked thankfully at her sister. It was what she had been thinking but couldn't bare to say. He took the spoon but his hand was shaking, so Joey took it from him and fed him a spoonful of soup. He smiled at her, his eyes almost sparkling,

'This is how I imagined old age.'

'What, sat in a garden chair with me feeding you soup?' she smiled back.

'Yeah, except you were always in your lingerie.'

'Not going to happen. Besides, if you were an old man, I'd be an old lady and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to see that.'

'I'm pretty sure the thought of you in lingerie will always appeal,' he closed his eyes for a second and she saw the pain.

'I'll get you some painkillers,' she said.

'I can do it Jo. I understand your system,' Bessie stood.

'Just double...'

'Check everything? Yeah I will.'

'Thanks.'

'So what were we talking about?' his eyes were open and she looked pointedly at the spoon. He opened his mouth.

'Me in lingerie,' she rolled her eyes.

'Aaah, yeah. Even better would be you in nothing at all.'

'You surprise me,' she teased and he smiled again.

* * *

Joey stared at the moonlit room. She'd helped Pacey up to bed soon after he'd eaten his soup and taken his drugs. She'd stayed with him for a while before joining everyone else downstairs as plans were made, and feelings discussed. She was surprised she didn't cry, but it was when she was alone, or some kindness was shown to her that she felt the sting of tears. Anna had been quiet, but she'd volunteered to check Pacey's will, to look at all the details of the restaurant loan, the mortgage. She would also take care of all the paper work after. The thought of after, this unknown time when her whole life would be different, caused her physical pain. Gretchen seemed to alternate between crying and righteous indignation, anger at herself for not noticing, at the situation for daring to occur. John and Mary were surprisingly quiet after Pacey went to bed but they had volunteered to help in whatever way possible. Joey couldn't imagine the loss of a child and so she didn't judge the quiet. John had cornered her before they left,

'I just keep thinking back to how we treated him. For such a long time we treated him so badly. I don't even know why,' he'd cried then and Joey had held him, and said the words he needed to hear, that Pacey loved them, that he'd forgiven them.

'Joey,' his voice surprised her, interrupting her thoughts and she looked up at him. His eyes were liquid silver in the semi light.

'Pacey,' she kissed him gently.

'I keep worrying,' he whispered.

'What about?'

'I'm worried that...that I won't be able to be intimate with you again. That the last time will be that panicked, desperate time downstairs yesterday night.'

'Oh Pace,' she kissed him again. 'Whenever we're together it's _nice_,' she used the word to echo their first time and she saw his smile.

'Nice?' he frowned and she laughed softly.

'Oh it's a bunch of other stuff as well,' she reassured him.

'If I feel ok...could we...you know...'

'You really have to ask?' she smiled.

'Just know that if I start something, I feel ok.'

'Ok,' she nodded.

'How was the rest of the evening?'

'It was hard. They're very upset,' she was honest.

'I know the feeling,' so was he. 'Did you take a sleeping tablet?'

'I can't Pace. Today...you could tell that you're sick, that you're really sick.'

'And you're worried I won't wake up tomorrow?'

'Pace.'

'I feel like I'll wake up tomorrow,' he reassured. 'You need sleep Joey.'

'I think I'll sleep if you hold me in your arms,' she said and he nodded, pulling her close against his chest, her hand ending up over his heart.

'I know what you're doing,' he smirked at her.

'I've always done it,' she defended.

'Just for different reasons.'

'It's always been reassuring,' she shrugged slightly and he kissed her softly.

'I constantly want to apologize, to tell you how sorry I am that I'm leaving you. But I don't want to waste time on apologies.'

'Please don't,' she pressed her naked form against him, 'we're all sorry, but for something that is no ones fault. It's just a sorry situation.'

'Will you be ok? I know that's a stupid question, I only have to think of you dying to know what a ridiculous question it is, but I mean after...after the grieving period, will you be ok?'

'I will be ok. I mean I don't think I'll ever, you know, stop loving you and missing you, but I have to be ok for the kids. I don't want to fuck them up. I don't. It wouldn't be what you want and so that will be my focus...when I can manage to focus.'

'But I want you to be happy. The thought of leaving you to a life of sadness kills me,' he smiled ruefully at his words.

'Well the kids will make me happy, they always have.'

'But you should have a full life,' he insisted and she met his eyes.

'You're telling me you want me to fall in love again?'

'Yes,' he breathed a sigh of relief, 'I want you to have a full and happy life.'

'The thing is Pace, I don't really know how to love someone who isn't you.'

'You loved Dawson once,' he said and for once he seemed pleased by the fact. She threaded her fingers through his.

'The thing is, I never loved Dawson the way I love you.'

'Oh,' he bit his lip. 'But you could find someone that you did.'

'Maybe, but in all honesty if you're asking me to fall in love with someone else I just can't see it happening. One way or another it's been you forever. I just can't ever see it happening.'

'Then at least promise me that if you do fall for someone...that you won't hold back because of me.'

'Pacey...'

'I mean I'd want them to love you and the kids. Love the kids like they were his.'

'I don't want someone who's not you.'

'But you can promise that you won't hold back if you do meet someone? You can promise that much.'

'I guess,' she sighed and pressed kisses to his naked chest.

'Hmmm,' he grinned and his hand found her boob and then he was kissing her, not a simple kiss of comfort but one that contained so much more. He pulled her body until she was on top of him kissing her all the while, his hands tracking down her back and up again to hold her head to his. 'Please,' he murmured into the kiss when she didn't move to allow him inside of her. She ran her hands down his arms and took his hands, raising them along side his head and pressing them to the mattress as she kissed him, and then she moved, allowing the connection he so craved. As she revelled in the sensation of him inside her, she moved - long, deep, slow movements, his eyes connected with hers the whole time. She was surprised how quickly she came and she rested momentarily on him, her sigh swallowed by his kiss. Then she began to move again, until he broke his hands free from hers and gripped at her hips before groaning loudly and pulling her against him. They lay connected together, her head on his chest, the fast rate of his heart music to her ears.

She rolled off him at length and curled up in his arms. As they drifted off to sleep she realized it would probably be the last time she made love to her husband and tears filled her eyes. It also struck her, somewhat out of the blue, that there was a lot of similarities to the last time they slept together before he broke up with her at prom. Both circumstances contained an underlying sadness. Usually Pacey was an active participant in their love life, but both before prom and this time she had done nearly all of the work, she had poured her love into him. There was an echo of goodbye both times. There was one striking difference. This time she felt Pacey's love throughout her body. She had no doubt that he loved her, that ironically he loved her more than life itself.

'Hey,' he said softly and rubbed her arm, but when she looked at him she saw that he had tears in his eyes as well.

* * *

The night was fitful. Oren cried in the night at around midnight, something he hadn't done for years. Pacey was in a lot of pain when his drugs wore off and she had to help him take the ones she had put out beside the bed, and empty the bowl he was sick into sometime after two am. The girls cried at around four, and by the time everyone was up at seven she wasn't sure how much sleep she'd gotten. It concerned her greatly that Pacey wasn't woken by his son or daughters. Oren crawled in for a cuddle, but Pacey slept on.

'Let's give daddy time to sleep,' she whispered as she pulled on pyjamas and he nodded and they made their way downstairs, Joey with a girl on each hip. She loved her children in the morning clad in pyjamas and sleep suits, rumpled from sleep. She took them through to the living room where Doug found her half an hour later reading Oren stories as she rattled toys at her daughters.

'Uncle Dougy,' Oren flung himself into his uncles arms.

'How's my deputy?' he asked and Oren surprised them all by bursting into tears.

'My daddy is leaving us,' he sobbed into Doug's shoulder and Joey felt herself crumple.

'Hey little guy, he's not gone yet,' Doug attempted, his voice gruff.

'But I want to know who's taking him. They can take me instead I don't care, but I don't want daddy to be all gone.'

'Oren,' Joey pulled him from Doug's arms and he buried his face in her neck. 'It just doesn't work like that.'

'But why not?'

'The disease in daddy is stopping his body from working...nobody is taking him.'

'Gods taking him,' Oren glared at them. 'Isn't that what everyone says? That god decides all the things that people don't. So can't I ask god to take me instead?'

'God wouldn't listen,' Doug said, 'it just doesn't work like that,' he reiterated Joey.

'I wish everyone would stop saying that,' he curled up on his mothers lap.

'The problem is hun that there are no right things to say. We're all angry. I'm so angry, but I can't change any of it. Daddy is angry to but there is nothing he can do. I understand why you're angry and I can understand that you want to blame someone, bargain with someone.'

'But if god is really there, why won't it work?'

'Oh Oren that is a very complicated thing to answer. I think god is there in many ways to help us feel better but what happens in this world will happen, and unfortunately this will happen.'

'But how will life ever be ok again?' he brushed the tears off his face and Joey pressed her wet eyes into his small shoulder.

'I don't know, but together we'll work it out.'

'You promise?' Oren stared at her with large eyes.

'I promise,' she stated.

'And what if you die? What then?'

'I'm not going to die,' she said fiercely but Oren's bottom lip stuck out.

'You said...remember that time Daddy got burnt on his hand at the restaurant, you said then that he wouldn't die when I was worried, you said that he was going to live until he was an old man, but now that's not true.'

'You're right,' Joey nodded. 'It isn't a promise I can make. But I can promise you that there are a lot of people that love the three of you fiercely and if anything happens to me, well they will love you like you're their boy and love the girls like they're their daughters.'

'Like who?' Oren narrowed his eyes.

'Me and Uncle Jack,' Doug said and took Joey's hand. He and Jack were their guardians.

'Ok,' Oren nodded somewhat calmer if no happier.

'Say, how about I get you and your sisters some breakfast?' Doug asked.

'Ok,' he nodded glumly.

'I'm going to go see daddy and shower,' Joey kissed Oren's cheek and then Doug's.

'Ok Oren you need to help me do your mommy's nifty lift both girls at once thing,' Doug said and Oren rolled his eyes,

'You lift one and then the other...' Joey heard him say as she got Pacey's drugs from the kitchen and then climbed the stairs. Pacey was awake when she went in and he smiled at her,

'Hey beautiful wife,' he smiled as she got into bed beside him, 'thanks for making my night,' his speech was noticeably slower, his voice gruffer.

'Thanks for making mine,' she gave him a soft kiss. 'How you feeling?'

'Pretty bad,' he admitted. 'I'm not going to be the guy that tries to make you think I'm fine when I'm not.'

'Well good, because you know I'd rather you weren't.'

'I think maybe...maybe I should stay in the spare room downstairs...I mean with you of course...'

'Couldn't keep me away,' she forced back tears.

'I want to see the kids, my family, my friends but I'm not sure I can sit up...I keep drifting off...'

'Can you sit to take your tablets?'

'Yeah,' he winced as he sat up, his hand holding his stomach and she gave him the small bowl with the tablets in. He put them all in and swallowed them in one go, then lay back down.

'Would you like me to run you a bath?'

'Actually yeah,' he smiled. 'I can't remember when I last had a bath.'

'I'll go do that now,' she crawled out of bed and went to the bathroom and rinsed out the bath before running it. She returned to the bedroom to find Pacey sat on the edge of the bed naked.

'I tried to stand but I felt dizzy.'

'Take a few more sips of water,' she instructed and held the glass for him. He did as she asked, his eyes locked with hers.

'I don't think it will be long,' he said and she nearly dropped the glass. 'I can feel it...feel myself going...'

'Don't say that,' she rested her head on his shoulder.

'My life with you Joey, it's everything I ever wanted. You've given me everything, everything I could have ever wanted. The only thing I'd change is this,' he took her hand and pressed it to his lips. 'We haven't messed this up. We've made a really, really awesome life together and I wish...well I wish we got to go through it all together until we were really old.'

'I agree,' she whispered.

'Thank you.'

'Huh?' she looked at him.

'For...not taking time for yourself after you had Oren. For giving me another chance. For giving me this life. Things could have gone so differently.'

'I'm so glad they didn't,' she murmured.

'So will you stay and wash me?' he asked and she smiled into his shoulder.

'Of course,' she stood and helped him to his feet.

* * *

Pacey's siblings were in the spare room with him when there was a knock at the door.

'Shall I get it?' Jack asked from the floor where he was entertaining the girls and talking to Joey. Oren was in the kitchen with his grandparents.

'It's ok,' she shrugged. It had been a busy day with family in and out - the children being entertained by their extended family in between visiting with their dad. Joey knew she couldn't begrudge anyone time with Pacey, least of all Mary and John and his siblings who'd been there all day, not in with him, but in the house, but she wanted him all to herself. In a way she wanted just him, her and the children, but that wasn't realistic. The nausea and the vomiting had increased, but she helped him, rubbing his back, cleaning the bowl and helping him brush his teeth in the bed. The small ensuite off the guest room was proving extremely useful because he was finding it harder to get in and out of bed for the bathroom, which was infrequently due to his lack of intake. It stunned her how quickly he was declining, how imminent the end must be. But it was noticeable to all of them that he was slipping fast. She couldn't help but look in the room every few minutes, to catch his eye or else the increasingly ragged rise and fall of his chest. She called the Icehouse and Natasha of all people brought over a selection of soup, the only thing she could get Pacey to eat, not that it was more than a spoonful. She'd stared at Joey again, but this time where was sympathy and awkwardness mixed in with her own sorrow. Joey opened the door and found that it was her turn to burst into tears at the sight of Jen and Dawson on her doorstep.

'Jack called us and we came straight away,' Dawson said, his hand gripping Jen's.

'Thank you,' she wrapped her arms around them both and for a while they stood like that, before she ushered them into his house. Before long they were sat in the living room with Jack, Mary and John having taken the kids to the park.

'So how is he? How are you? What actually has happened? Jack told us it was bad but left out all the details. Is it really cancer?' Dawson asked but then winced at the look Jen shot him,

'Just take your time Joey,' she said.

'He's...not good,' she brushed her hair from her face. 'His siblings have been in there for about an hour, but he's been asleep for the last fifty minutes, snoozing whilst they tell embarrassing Pacey stories.'

'You know they'll be in there all night if they're trying to go through all the embarrassing stories,' Dawson pointed out.

'And there's a few they don't know,' Joey nodded.

'Like why he got detention sophomore year,' Jen grinned.

'Why did he get detention sophomore year?' Jack asked.

'Pace got all...worked up by cheerleaders fussing over him when Dawson broke his nose. He decided to relieve a little tension on school property and because it was Pacey he got caught,' Joey smiled slightly when Jack laughed.

'That's really embarrassing...'

'Well especially at fifteen,' Dawson smiled as well, but the laughter didn't last long. 'Jo?'

'We thought he had stomach flue, Sunday night he started to be sick, but you know it was on and off. He decided to go back to work Wednesday. He'd been tired for a while, you know, but we have the twins. He'd fall asleep at work, in the office and everyone teased him. But he was ok. He really was until that Sunday. He was sick again at work on Wednesday and then he got the pain and so Dan, his assistant manager, he took him to the hospital. They said it was cancer. And please don't ask if there's really nothing they can do, because if there was we'd be doing it.'

'How long?' the question came from Dawson and Jen glared at him.

'Not long...they'd said it might be as long as six weeks but he's gone downhill so fast. The doctor called through this morning and said it will be soon,' she bit her lip and blinked against the tears.

'And you Joey? What can we do for you?' Jen asked.

'Just you being here is enough. He'll be really pleased to see you. I'll go see if he's ok for you to see him now,' she ducked her head and stood. As she went down the hall she heard Jack,

'She checks every few minutes.' She was relieved that distance drowned out whatever Dawson said next because she was sure it would be disbelief at the situation, that Pacey could really be so sick. The disbelief was hard because she felt it too and yet she was trying to accept the truth, to live in the moment and not be suspended by it.

'Hey guys,' she said softly.

'He's still asleep,' Kerry said.

'His breathing is very...' Gretchen trailed off because it was obvious, his breathing wasn't right, each breath took too long, made too much noise.

'Jen and Dawson are here, do you mind if the five of us have a few minutes?'

'Of course not,' Doug shook his head.

'We'll go and start dinner,' Gretchen blinked back tears.

'Would you like anything Joey? Tea? Food?' it was Anna who had caught her arm, a look on her face - somehow fierce in its misery and full of admiration all at the same time.

'Ummm, a slice of toast I guess?' she realized she hadn't eaten all day.

'Good,' Anna nodded and left the room with her siblings.

'Send them in,' she called after them. 'Pace,' she shook his shoulder as Dawson and Jen entered the room with Jack. She wished she hadn't seen their faces as they took in their friend. He looked terrible, on the brink of death and their shock was written in every feature. He moaned softly.

'You don't need to wake him,' Dawson seemed taken aback, 'you said but I didn't realize...'

'He'd want to see you,' she shook his shoulder again, 'and he needs to take his meds.'

'Hmmm.'

'Pace sweetheart,' she kissed his cheek and he smiled, reaching for her hand blindly. She put it in his and he opened his eyes, finding hers immediately.

'Hey,' he pulled her hand to his lips.

'You have more visitors,' she smiled and he looked to the room, his eyes lighting up as they landed on Dawson and Jen.

'Just like old times,' his voice was raspy.

'Well nearly,' Dawson tried to smile.

'Yeah, I used to look better,' he joked and Jen gave a startled laugh.

'Hey gorgeous,' he smiled at her.

'Your wife is standing right there,' she feigned shock.

'And so are you both and you're a sight for sore eyes,' he looked at them but he held on to Joey.

'We wouldn't be anywhere but here,' Dawson said. 'You're my oldest friend Pace. You're my best friend.'

'Even though I stole your girl?' Pacey asked wryly.

'That was a long time ago and I now have my own girl.'

'A good one,' Pacey concurred with an affectionate look at Jen, but then he closed his eyes and they didn't reopen.

'I think that's all you're going to get right now,' Joey sighed.

'Do you mind if we just sit for a while?' Dawson asked softly and Joey shook her head,

'No, but I'm going to lie with him,' she climbed onto the bed beside Pacey and rested her head on his shoulder her hand finding his heart. The material of his t-shirt absorbed her tears, and the kisses she intermittently pressed there.

* * *

'Joey,' Pacey's voice sounded very distant and far away.

'Pace,' she pushed herself up and saw that Jen and Dawson were still in the room though she wasn't sure how long it had been.

'So beautiful,' he whispered reaching for her hand which she gave him.

'Sure Pace, with my eyes all bloodshot, my face all puffy...I probably have snot,' she leant up on her elbow so she could see him properly

'Please can I...touch the baby?' he asked and she frowned.

'You want me to get the girls?'

'In your tummy,' he said.

'Pacey hun, there's no baby there now...he's your lovely son.'

'I...sorry...I...' he frowned. 'You're mine?'

'Always,' she pressed a kiss to his cheek.

'I left though,' he was still frowning and she realized how confused he was.

'You came back and we got back together. We have three children Pace, beautiful wonderful children, thankfully more like you than me. You asked me to marry you and we've spent our lives together...'

'Ah yeah,' he smiled, 'my beautiful wife... Oren, Ruby and Cleo...' he seemed clearer again.

'Yes Pace.'

'Will they come see me so I can say goodbye?' he asked and she was heedless to the tears.

'Goodbye?' she said, not sure whether it was a question or a statement.

'I think that I might die tonight,' he whispered and she pressed her face into his neck, relieved to feel his arm wrap around her. 'I told my pop's that I love him. I told my mom the same...'

'They know you do, your relationship is so good with them these days.'

'Doug will look after you...he promised. The others too...'

'Pace.'

'Thank you for giving me a family, old and new...'

'Don't say goodbye, not yet,' she pleaded.

'I'm cold...' he caught her cheek with his fingers and they were icy.

'I love you,' she pleaded again.

'My children,' he wrapped his fingers around hers.

'We'll get them,' Dawson was clearly crying, but Joey didn't even notice as he and Jen left the room. Mary and John brought the girls in, Oren trailing behind.

'Come hug your dad,' Joey whispered and he climbed into the space she made between them.

'Oren,' Pacey whispered his name reverentially, 'so wonderful and unique...'

'We're all unique daddy,' Oren looked utterly devastated.

'I'll love you forever,' his father promised. 'All of you. Tell your sisters what I was like and if you forget don't worry...your mom remembers lots.'

'I wouldn't forget,' Oren swiped at tears.

'Forgetting things doesn't mean you're forgetting me...' he murmured as his eyes slipped shut. Oren didn't care and hugged his father.

'My girls,' he said at length and his eyes opened. John stepped closer with Cleo and Pacey managed to take her small hand. 'Love you,' he whispered, as John and Mary switched places and Mary placed Ruby's hand in his. 'Love you,' he managed again and then his eyes closed.

'We love you son,' John said quietly as he and Mary left the room, 'come on Oren my boy. Give your mom and dad a moment.'

'Bye daddy, I love you,' Oren kissed Pacey's cheek and hugged him, 'please still be here tomorrow.' He took the hand his grandfather held out as he left the room. Joey felt torn. Her son needed her but she needed any time with Pacey she might get. Her hand found his heart as her head rested back on his shoulder.

'The CDs...' his voice was so soft she barely heard him. 'I...' he trailed off but she waited, 'mmm stopped...'

'It's ok,' she rubbed his arm.

'No, stopped because you...had...the...baby. All the blood...' he trailed off and she kissed him. She didn't want to stop him from what he was trying to say. 'So much blood...' he tried again. 'I thought...that...you must be...dead...' each word was clearly difficult.

'But I was ok. I was fine.'

'I had to be...closer...after...'

'You were. You were so good to me, helped me so much.'

'You needed me...not music...' he looked at her and she nodded.

'I did...I really needed you.'

'So...I stopped...the CDs...' he trailed off and she ran a hand across his cheek. He caught it with his and pressed it to his lips. 'I stopped... so...you'd... notice...me.'

'Oh Pace, I never stopped noticing you. It was never that I didn't want you. Through everything in our lives that was never it.'

'You have...a...soundtrack...to our lives,' he whispered, and kissed her hand. He was quiet then and she realized he was asleep, or perhaps even unconscious. Joey curled up next to him aware that her children were being taken care of. Sometime later there was a tap at the door.

'Can I come in?' it was Doug.

'Yes,' she looked at her husband. His heart didn't seem to be beating as strongly against her hand.

'How is he?' Doug sat next to the bed and took his brothers other hand.

'Near the end,' she admitted.

'I...I...' Doug's face crumpled and he pressed Pacey's hand to his eyes. 'For the last five years you guys have been my best friends. I love my brother.'

'I know you do.'

'We had those years when we weren't close. I hate that now.'

'We all thought we'd have a lifetime to be close,' Joey admitted.

'It's been too quick. There's not been enough time...'

'And there is nothing that will ever fill that hole he's going to leave behind,' Joey kissed Pacey's chest and then looked at Doug. 'I can't leave him. The last two nights he said he didn't think he'd die. Tonight he said he thought he might. I don't know how to leave him when I know he's about to leave me.'

'Then stay with him. The rest of us will look after things, we'll come in and out. Should I bring the children in again?'

'No...actually maybe. I guess get Oren to bed and then bring me the girls to feed them, else I'll need to express and I just can't do that.'

'Ok, you got it,' he squeezed his brothers hand. 'This shouldn't have happened to you Pace,' he whispered, 'not to any of you,' and then left.

* * *

_A few hours later_

'Joey,' his voice was barely more than a whisper. She leant up on her elbow and brushed her fingers against the side of his face.

'Pace,' she said his name, and his hand moved a little. She moved hers and slid it into his - it was cold, far too cold. He almost smiled, his eyes did open though and he looked at her in that soft way of his.

'I think,' he attempted and then stopped for a moment, 'I'll miss you...'

'Not as much as I will miss you,' she tried not to cry but it was honestly too hard.

'Love you,' the words were simple but she knew they were really goodbye. His breathing had gotten steadily worse and she knew, somewhere deep inside of her she knew that he was slipping away from her, that his life and hers together was somehow, inexplicably, at an end. The misery, the utter misery, that now resided inside her was unlike anything she'd known before, even at the death of her mother. Somehow the loss of Pacey signified the loss of everything and she didn't know at all how she could ever cope when he took his last breath. The very notion that he would take his last breath caused her physical despair. It was all wrong, so very, very wrong and yet it was happening. His eyes had drifted closed and he was dying before her very eyes and there was nothing she could do about it, absolutely nothing. She pushed her hands under his shirt and tried to get as close to him as possible, her tears unstoppable as they cascading into the material of his shirt. Her head hovered over his chest and she pressed her ear to his heart. The thumping was faint and at times she lost it which caused her tears to fall harder. When she lost his heart beat completely she found that she couldn't physically move, that some how her body seemed to be dying too.

That he was dead was obvious. But it was just inexplicable, so very wrong, the world was all awry, and she refused to acknowledge it because if he was dead it meant she was all alone. That the crazy story he'd come up with three nights ago about having cancer, about dying, that it had been true and it just couldn't have been true. There was no way he would leave her. They were meant to be together until they were old. He'd said they had seventy years, that they had their whole lives. He'd mused about how young they were and yet somehow he seemed to be gone. A world without Pacey wasn't really a world she wanted, but he'd left something of himself behind. The thought of her three small children, three small children who needed their daddy and would never have him again, caused pain throughout her. Her mind was shot and she knew she was in pieces but how could she care, why would she care when Pacey's blessed heart beat was silent beneath her hand. She imagined the still note of his heart, one long drawn out beeping noise, one flat line. Their life together had been a heartbeat, up and down, fast and slow, erratic and now it was over, one long drawn out note, never to rise or fall again. She closed her eyes, her hands on his, her head on his chest.

* * *

'Joey,' Doug's voice, soft, gentle. 'You have to come away now.'

'No,' she didn't care what anyone thought of her. When she let go of Pacey, her childhood nemesis, the boy who understood her, the boy who fell in love with her, the boy who made her fall in love with him, the boy who left her and the man who came back to her, if she let go of him she'd never hold him again. Never. Her arms would never again know the feel of her husband and no one seemed to realize that.

'Joey,' Doug again. She raised her eyes to his,

'I'll never have this again. Just a moment longer please.'

'Ok,' he conceded and she clung on, though she knew he wasn't really there anymore, that his voice was gone forever, his eyes would never sparkle again and he'd never smile at her in that special way, he'd never make her feel loved with just a look.

'I love you so much,' she whispered but her words felt empty without him there to hear them.

'Joey,' Doug was crying too and somehow she transferred herself from Pacey, from the still coldness of his body to the arms of Doug.

* * *

The world was an echo. She didn't speak to people, not really. The words they said bounced off an invisible shield in place around her. Everything was so surreal, so abnormal, so strange. Her ears and eyes couldn't seem to function and everything was blurred. She held her children, she whispered words to them but the words were empty. All of them knew that life was wrong now, that it would never be right. Oren was by her side always. The girls, to young to know, seemed to come and go, nurse from her, but they didn't understand how great their loss was. Oren understood. Gone was her boy who was sunshine personified. He held her hand and cried tears with her, the world a blur around the bubble the two of them made.

'We need to talk Joey,' John Witters gruff voice breaking through her bubble. Oren asleep on her lap despite the late hour.

'I know,' she whispered.

'It's been three days...he told you his wishes?' John's eyes were red and Doug who sat beside him fared no better. She nodded.

'We have to...let them know,' Doug took her hand.

'He...' she shook her head tears preventing the words. She swallowed them down, 'simple. He wanted it simple. He didn't want it to be about faith but humanity,' she bent her head over their son for a moment, 'a cardboard coffin and a cremation,' she bit her lip. 'The children mustn't wear black,' she said at length.

'Ok,' John nodded.

'I will sort out...he wanted...the wake,' she swallowed over the lump in her throat, 'at the Icehouse...I'll sort it.'

'We figured it would be there. I can help,' Doug squeezed her hand.

'I told the funeral place, I said for three days time...it's booked for eleven.'

'Ok,' Joey didn't know what to say. They would burn her husbands body in three days. There was no way to not cry.

'Mary, she got an announcement for the paper ready,' John pushed it towards Joey. Joey raised her eyes and read the words,

**WITTER, Pacey John**

April 17 1983 – December 5, 2006  
Pacey passed away peacefully on December 5th 2014 after a very short battle with cancer. He leaves behind his adored wife Joey and three beloved children Oren, Ruby and Cleo. He is survived by his parents John and Mary, his brother Douglas and his sisters Anna, Kerry and Gretchen, his nephew's Henry, James and Alexander and his nieces Clara and Lucy. Taken too young he will be loved and missed by many - his family and his friends. Born and raised in Capeside, MA, Pacey ran the refurbished Icehouse. Pacey was a generous and courageous person with an infectious sense of humour and an easy going nature. He loved his wife, children, family and friends, sailing, travelling and cooking. The funeral will be held on December 11th at 11am at Capeside Funeral Parlour. A wake will follow at the Icehouse, Capeside. In lieu of flowers, please consider a donation to the charity of your choice.

'Oh,' Joey pressed the paper against her heart. 'That's very final.'

'I know,' John said simply.

'I still can't believe he's gone, let alone imagine a funeral to say goodbye,' she whispered.

'We can change the date,' John said but she shook her head as the thought of his decaying body filled her mind. She crumpled.

'No,' she breathed in and out. 'I can hold it together. I will, I promise.'

'Joey,' Doug beseeched. 'No one is holding it together.'

'How can we when he's gone?' she shrugged helplessly.

* * *

Joey walked to the Icehouse by herself. She hadn't left the house since they'd removed Pacey's body. She'd somehow convinced Oren to stay with Gretchen, Jen and Dawson and his sisters. It was cold and she was sure it would snow. Snow would merely blanket the world and make the world as dull as it now felt to her. She couldn't remember the previous three days. It was such a blur and she didn't know how it could ever gain clarity. Her thoughts were consumed by him and a dull pain that throbbed excruciatingly. The sight of the Icehouse stung with it's gaiety and familiarity, it's very _Paceyness_. She pushed through the door and it honestly felt as if the whole place fell silent. The staff turned to stare at her, the few patrons there, young and old, turned to stare at her. It was as if every soul in town knew Pacey, knew of his death and knew exactly what that meant for her, which of course wasn't true, couldn't be true. She blinked back her tears and walked across the restaurant. Dan met her with out reaching hands,

'Joey,' the older man was gruff, 'there just aren't words.'

'No,' she shook her head, 'there aren't.'

'I'm so sorry.'

'We all are,' first it was Natasha and the each of the staff, a hand on her shoulder, her arm, a kiss to her cheek. Then the customers one by one, all of them stoic, all of them full of kindness, words of kindness, words that brought him to life in her minds eye. She nodded with glassy eyes as they spoke until Doug turned up and put an arm about her and sat her at a table with Dan and they arranged what had to be arranged. Together she and Doug walked home.

'Life doesn't feel right anymore,' Doug admitted and she nodded.

'I have to snap out of it,' she closed her eyes momentarily. 'I have children Doug. Pacey's children and they need me. I don't even know how to be there for them. For Oren's emotional needs and the girls physical and emotional ones. I feel lost.'

'I know that feeling,' he sighed and they stopped walking and looked at the water.

'I can't feel anything beyond this numbness. Oren asked me this morning...he asked if Santa might bring his daddy back. Whether Santa had enough magic to do that. Of course it's Christmas. I didn't even think, I didn't remember, but he's a kid and it's everywhere. His dad is gone and maybe Santa, this man with magic can give him back. I told him that even Santa's magic wasn't enough to do that and he said...he said that he didn't believe in Santa anymore then.'

'Fuck,' Doug cursed and when she looked at him he had tears in his eyes, 'it's fucking unfair. Fuck.'

'Oh I agree,' tears escaped, 'fuck,' she balled up her fists and shoved them in her eyes. 'It's so fucked up. So fucked up. I don't want this life Doug. He...he told me we were doing it together, that we were in it together until we were old. I feel so old. I feel ancient.'

'Joey,' Doug pulled her to him and held her tight. 'We'll get through it, we will.'

'But if I get through it then it's true, he really is gone.'

'Unfortunately he's gone whether we get through it or not.'

* * *

Joey wore a black dress for the funeral. Pacey had always liked her in a dress though she rarely wore them. The girls had worn the prettiest dresses he had bought them. A blue dress for Cleo and a pink one for Ruby. Oren had simply worn a pair of black pants and a checked shirt. No suit for Oren - Pacey and been clear on that. The girls had been uncharacteristically subdued as if they somehow knew that it was their father who had gone, they were fractious and both had whimpered and kept reaching for the mama from Doug and Jack's arms. They might be small but she knew they sensed the unrest, that they missed him. No one made them laugh quite like their dad had and she worried she'd never hear those uncontrolled giggles again. The same was true of her now serious son who clung to her leg and his old teddy bear. She knew there had been lots of people there. Doug, he'd passed Cleo to Jen, had somehow managed to walk to the front and had given a beautiful eulogy but she couldn't recall a word. She felt like she was drowning, the reality of his departure weighing her down under a heavy substance, like syrup, syrup clogging her lungs, her windpipe until even breathing hurt.

At the wake she found a table, the table where Jack, Jen and Dawson had put a pack and play, toys and books, where she could sit with her children and people could come and see her. And they did. They came in floods, so many people, old friends from school, teachers, even Principal Green. She had no idea how he would have even know. The regular customers, the staff, Sophie their babysitter, old family friends of his. Bessie, Bodie and Pacey's siblings, his parents, they'd sit with her, hold her hand. She tried to talk to the people that came, she did manage to listen to the stories they told. Kerry had put out a book for people to write in and she saw people scribing long stories into the pages. Joey didn't think there'd ever be a time when she could read the words written in it, but perhaps she would one day or the children. For the girls stories were all they'd ever have. She missed him so much and it felt like the pain of missing him would only get worse.

'Mommy,' Oren looked at her in a quiet moment, the girls napping together in the pack and play.

'Oren,' she pulled him closer and he put a hand to her cheek.

'The worlds all wrong, it's all messed up.'

'I know.'

'I don't want...life...to happen anymore.'

'Oh baby...life has to happen...you can't stop it. The thing that daddy was happiest about was that life would keep going for all of us.'

'Well I don't want Christmas then.'

'Daddy knew what you wanted and he told Santa you know.'

'But there's nothing I want more than daddy,' he looked at her with eyes like his fathers and she pushed back the ever present tears. 'And I can't have that.'

'I know.'

'I just want daddy back.'

'Me too,' she whispered tears flooding her eyes.

'So why? Why?'

'I don't know,' she pressed kisses to his face, 'there's no reason to any of this, none at all, but we have to remember that we are full of daddy's love. He left it all with us and you know how much of it he had.'

'I'd rather he was here,' Oren's bottom lip stuck out, his face crumpling.

'He is here. I can see him when I look in your eyes. I can see him when grandpa smiles. When uncle Dougy meets my eye across the restaurant, that...that's your daddy. Look at Dawson, he's putting a video on the tv over there. We can go and watch your daddy if you like.'

'That might hurt...you know my heart.'

'Oh I understand that baby,' she nodded swiping at her tears.

'I don't know,' he whispered and looked up at her, 'do you want to watch?'

'You know that Dawson always filmed everything? There are probably moments he recorded from when daddy and I were your age.'

'Really?' Oren didn't look animated but he did look curious.

'Yeah, I certainly know that he filmed daddy dressed as a sea monster and pulling me off a dock into the creek.'

'Well maybe I'd like to see that,' Oren admitted. 'But there's so many people and I might cry.'

'Oh I don't think not crying is an option. But daddy is..._was_...a funny guy and I'm pretty sure you'll laugh too.'

'Hey Joey. Shall I wait to start?' Dawson had approached the table. Joey looked at her son who nodded, and she stood pulling him onto her hip.

'We'll come watch,' she said softly.

'Ok,' he nodded and cleared his throat. 'Excuse me everyone,' he said loudly, 'I've put together a collection of videos of Pace. Some I shot myself, after all we were always together, and others, well they've been given to me by all of you.'

'I got you a chair Joey,' John said but she shook her head.

'You sit John, I'm good on the floor,' she sat and pulled Oren into her lap. The room fell silent as music from Fleetwood Mac's Rumours album filled the room and a white screen filled with Pacey's name and the dates of his life. That alone was enough to have Joey pressing her face into Oren's head.

It was beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. Old shaky videotapes of Pacey as a baby, with his siblings, toddling after the family dog. There were birthday scenes, Joey and Dawson both there. Then Dawson got his first video camera and there were more and more scenes of his first two subjects. They were constantly arguing and bickering, chasing each other around, or being prompted to some stunt or another by Dawson, as always behind the camera. There was one moment, one moment of contact between them. They must have been about ten and Joey knew it was when her mom was first diagnosed. Dawson had gone into get his camera and she'd sat not he dock, sad and alone. Pacey had sat beside her and put an arm around her. They hadn't said anything, but she remembered it. She hadn't known Dawson had filmed it. She got noticeably more grumpy as the films progressed through her teenage years, glaring and eye rolling, whilst Pacey had everyone around her laughing with his over enthusiasm, his glibness and his humour. Even Oren giggled when Pacey, dressed as a sea monster grabbed her off the dock. The camera dropped from them but you could hear her accusing him of grabbing her ass. More videos of junior year and senior year followed. Some of Pacey and her together, films she wouldn't have expected Dawson to take, not with how much he hated them together, but there were videos of their hands entwined, them sat together on the grass, even kissing.

There was a gap in time after that. Everyone had gone off to college, but then there was Oren as a tiny baby.

'That's you,' she whispered in his ear as they watched him nursing on screen and then resting on his dad's shoulder as he was winded. There followed multiple films of Pacey and his son, Pacey with Joey, then the grand opening preparations and the grand opening itself. Joey turned away when it came to films of them together filmed at family meals, up in Boston by Jen or Jack, or even Dawson on occasion. There were films of their travels and she still couldn't look. They were so entwined. She couldn't watch their vows, or the first dance at their wedding where he got "handsy," him dancing with all his siblings - Doug included. She couldn't look at Pacey with his newborn daughters not any of it. She was scared she'd see a hint of the illness, a hint she had missed that might have saved him and so she buried her face. Her eyes flicked up and she saw the screen was filled with her and Pacey together on the spare room bed, his arms around her, her head pressed to his chest. Her eyes were closed but he was looking at her and he had that soft smile on his face. She stood and took Oren with her, she pressed him into Doug's waiting arms and hurried through the restaurant to Pacey's office where she took deep breaths.

The truth was it was agony. Life, the sheer act of breathing was agony and she didn't know what to do. She sat in his chair and pulled her knees up to her chest. Notes in his handwriting were everywhere. Things circled on the calendar, notes to Dan, his coaster on the desk with a photo of all five of them. How few photos there were with all five of them and there wouldn't be anymore. The first sob took her by surprise, a low keening noise that she didn't immediately recognize came from her sounding out in the silent room.

She couldn't have said how long she spent in his office, alone and crying for him, at times crying out the sounds echoing around in the emptiness. At length Doug, Gretchen, Kerry and Anna came to find her.

'I just needed to scream,' she admitted and they nodded. No one really had anything to say. 'I honestly don't know where to go from here...' she whispered.

'We know you can't go back to normal,' Gretchen said at length.

'There's no point even suggesting it,' Kerry took her hand.

'But you and the kids, you have to find a new normal...' Anna said

'Without him,' she stated and looked down.

'Without him,' Doug nodded.

'But with all of us,' Gretchen took her other hand.

* * *

At length people left until it was just his and her family left. Dawson, Jen and Jack sat together at a table. She knew they were telling Pacey stories and she cuddled a sleeping Oren against her as she moved and sat down with them, listening in. It was strange being with her three friends with Pacey missing but she enjoyed listening to them talk, she even enjoyed the stories, the memories even if she couldn't yet contribute.

'Joey, I think we better get the kids home,' Doug touched her gently on the shoulder and she looked up at him.

'You can stay. I can take them,' she said but he shook his head.

'Not today Jo. I'll push the stroller.'

'I'll carry Oren,' Jack put in. He and Doug had been staying in the spare room since Pacey's death.

'Ok,' she nodded and stood. Jen and Dawson stood as well.

'We'll come and say goodbye tomorrow,' Dawson said.

'Joey,' Jen squeezed her arm and Joey turned and allowed Jack to pull Oren from her arms. She moved across the restaurant and found a thick blanket from the corner with the pack and play and she wrapped it around her son. Then she moved to the table where his family sat with hers and she smiled,

'Thank you everyone,' she said simply and turned unable to say more. Their grief was a palpable as hers.

* * *

After a week at home with the children Joey realized that she was doing no one any favours. She'd been given compassionate leave by the Times but the problem with having nothing to do was that she and the children did nothing. Her thoughts were filled with Pacey, with his life and death and she knew it wasn't healthy for Oren in particular. A phone call the previous day from his preschool had jolted her. She'd had to explain why he'd been absent and she wished she had responded to texts from her friend asking if all was ok. There seemed to be a network that information went through and apparently Oren's preschool wasn't on any of her other networks. She told his teacher he'd be there the next monday because at some point he had to go back. Doug offered to take him but Joey didn't think her son would stay unless she went too. She suggested that Doug and Jack move back home that weekend and so on the Monday morning, for the first time since Pacey's death she did it all alone.

She got the children up, fed and dressed. She put the girls in their cribs whilst she showered, Oren sat in the bathroom with her. She could hear them crying but there was nothing else she could do. After finishing Oren's teeth and then hers she realized it was going to be hard doing everything. That she was going to find it hard, especially with the weight of grief heavy on her chest.

The walk to the preschool took about half an hour and for once she was thankful for it. Oren trudged beside the double stroller with a frown. He didn't want to go but she had spoken to Kerry, Doug and Gretchen about it and they all thought he needed to return. The truth was he was never going to want to go back.

When they arrived Joey realized they were first there. She knocked on the door keen to speak to his teachers without an audience. The door opened as a couple of other moms pushed up the path behind them, Max's mother one of them.

'Hi Oren, it's so good to see you back,' his teacher Helen smiled. 'We were so sorry to hear about your father Joey.'

Joey stared at the women in a stunned way and realized that somehow the information hadn't gotten through correctly. Whether Helen misheard or just didn't commute what was said she couldn't say.

'Was Oren close with his grandfather?' Helen asked as other parents began to filter in and Joey felt her heart thunder in fear, fear of explaining.

'Joey,' Christina caught her arm, the mother of Oren's best friend Sam. 'How are you doing? I lost my father last year and it's such a tough time.' Christina was one of the three real friends Joey had at the preschool.

Joey shook her head totally overwhelmed for a moment. She looked down at Oren who was staring at her with wild, panicked eyes. She took a deep breath recognizing that she needed to pull herself together, that she had to be the parent.

'There's been a misunderstanding,' she said. Her voice croaked so she coughed slightly looking at the sympathetic expressions of the teacher and her friend. Another friend came over,

'Joey, I hope you got the card. We were all so sorry to hear about your father.'

Joey could sense everyone listening in. It was no secret that she was the odd one out at the preschool with its wealthy middle class parents, most of the them at least ten years older than her.

'My father didn't die,' she said loudly, clearly. 'My husband Pacey, he passed away. Oren's dad,' she added the unnecessary clarification. Pacey was well known at the preschool with the parents and staff, where he had volunteered both his time and carpentry skills.

'Oh I'm so sorry,' Helen flushed and covered her face with her hands at the sudden tears. 'I don't understand, what happened?' her voice shook.

'He um...he was diagnosed with cancer. He died three days later.'

'Thats just terrible,' Christina gasped, 'oh you poor thing...the poor children,' she grabbed Joey into a hug. For Joey the sound of her heart and the feel of Oren's hand in hers kept her grounded.

* * *

'It was terrible Doug. About the worst thing that could have happened. Poor Oren was just stood there. I was just stood there as everyone else stood around not knowing what to say but wanting to say something anyway.'

'You poor thing,' Doug wrapped an arm around her.

'I bet Max's witchy mother had something to say,' Jack growled, increasingly bitter after the rapid demise of his friend, he was frequently venting his anger.

'You've no idea,' Joey covered her face with her hands, her body shaking a few times, as she swiped at tears.

'What did she say?' Doug frowned and reached across and took Jack's hand.

'She asked what on earth I was going to do for money,' Joey sighed, still unable to believe the insensitivity, 'of course everyone turned as one to stare of me. How would I survive, they must have all been wondering.'

'Does no one know anything about you at that place?' Jack glared.

'Only Christina and one other mom but she wasn't there.'

'So what did you say?'

'I wouldn't have said anything except that Oren was stood with me, hearing this question about the state of our livelihood and he had to know we'd be ok. I mean Oren wouldn't ask, he'd never just come out and ask, not when he knows what a mess I am, but that question would have played on his mind.'

'So you said...' Doug prompted.

'I told them we still owned the restaurant and so we had the profits from that. I said that I'd been given compassionate leave from the New York Times so I still had my salary from them and I said we'd be just fine,' she sighed. 'I only hope it's true.'

'What do you mean?' Doug asked with a look of concern.

'I want to keep the Icehouse, I do, but Pacey was the Icehouse. I can't be what he was to that place, especially not at the moment.'

'Dan is more than capable, especially with Judy helping him. They're a good team. I will sort it out, you shouldn't make any decisions right now.'

'And the paper...' she was quiet for a moment, 'I can't even imagine writing anything, what I would write, where to begin.'

'How much time do you have?' Jack asked.

'They gave me six weeks. That's pretty generous but they want to keep me,' she shrugged.

'So you have till the new year?' Jack clarified.

'Essentially yes.'

'Start by writing,' Jack suggested. 'Write about Pacey, everything about him...'

'Get it all out?' she asked wryly.

'Something like that.'

'It's not a bad idea. There's so much inside of me. I can't move for people coming to pay their condolences, to tell me how sorry they are and really...I know...I know they just want to share, to say something rather than nothing, but those words ring in my ears, they add to this mass...this mass of memory and feeling inside of me.'

'I think it's a really good idea,' Doug looked at Jack affectionately and the loneliness stabbed at Joey's heart.

* * *

_Christmas _

Joey awoke with a start as she always did, somehow shocked that she'd slept at all. She looked at the space beside her in the bed and rolled momentarily onto his pillows, the pillowcases unwashed less they lose his smell. She sniffed, as her eyes fell with tears and the twisted up feeling in her stomach made her feel sick. At the sound of crying infants she pulled herself from the bed and moving to the closet she pulled out one of his old sweaters and pulled it on. She swiped at her tears and moved through the house to Ruby's room and then Cleo's. When she went back into her room Oren was nestled in the centre of the bed, as always careful to avoid his fathers side. She slipped in beside him and kissed his head, grappling with her daughters who wanted feeding.

'Merry Christmas,' she smiled.

'I don't feel very merry,' he frowned.

'I know, I don't either.'

'Daddy loved Christmas.'

'He was really looking forward to the girls first Christmas,' Joey smiled and Oren nodded.

'He used to hide our presents in the closet. Mine and yours.'

'I know and he did the same this year - I put them under the tree,' she smiled. 'Where's your stocking? Did Santa come?'

'He did,' Oren admitted.

'Why don't you go get it and get Ruby and Cleo's too then you can all open them together.'

'But I always opened them with you and daddy and daddy isn't here.'

'But it's still Christmas,' she looked into his blue eyes and he nodded reluctantly, clambering out of bed and going from room to room before returning with the three stockings.

'You said, a few weeks ago that daddy told Santa what to get me. What did he tell Santa to bring?' Oren asked. 'I don't want to be disappointed,' he said and then frowned, 'not because I don't get something, but in case daddy got it wrong. Daddy could never disappoint me but everything is confusing and I need to know.'

'Daddy told Santa that there was a special compass you wanted for the boat.'

'He remembered,' Oren actually smiled and the sight was beautiful to his mother. Almost like his first smile had been.

'Daddy remembers everything,' she smiled and forced back the tears as she unwrapped rattles, and onesies for the girls who only had stockings so Oren didn't question things. She watched as Oren pulled out books, some lego, some cars and finally the compass. He held it close to his chest his tears hitting the wrapping paper all around him. 'It's ok to cry,' she whispered her own eyes filling with tears as she put an arm around him and tugged him close.

'I just miss him.'

'We all miss him.'


	18. Chapter 18

**Ok, so this is the true last part. I'm about to tick that completed box. I continue to love feedback - especially on this story which I think is my favourite. I said i wasn't going to write any more but I'm going to try and finish Another Story, then probably done. **

**Thanks for all the support with this and please review, Tab :-)**

**Epilogue Part 4**

**_Eight months later_**

_Bang. Bang. Bang._

'Joey?' Gretchen's voice calling her. 'Hey Joey.'

'We're in the kitchen,' Joey called and Gretchen headed through to the kitchen.

'Hey,' she smiled as she walked in toting Lucy who immediately struggled to get down and headed to the toys in the corner where Ruby and Cleo were playing. At nearly eighteen months Pacey's daughters were still as different from one another as when they'd been born. Ruby had straight brown hair that fell to her shoulders. She often wore it loose or Joey would pull it into bunches which was how she was currently wearing it, complimenting her pink summer dress. Cleo's hair was still white blond and curly and Joey tended to pull it into a high ponytail at the back of her head. She was also wearing a dress, a different dress and in navy blue and white stripes. 'You look pretty Joey,' Gretchen smiled at her sister in law who faltered slightly.

'It's her anniversary, her's and daddy's,' Oren said from the table where he was drawing. Gretchen's mouth fell open,

'Oh god, I'm so sorry...I just...'

'Don't be sorry,' Joey shook her head. 'Lots has happened, it's been the worst eight months but...well...Oren and I decided we'd go out on the boat, like last year.'

'But not exactly like last year,' Oren pointed out with a frown. He was a lot more serious these days and he had a tendency to point out how different things were, as if Joey wasn't already extremely aware. She understood it, but it was hard at times.

'No, not exactly.'

'We should have remembered Joey,' Gretchen sighed. 'God Pacey was such a doofus before your wedding, he couldn't sit still and was irritating the heck out of everyone with his general glee.'

'He was?' Joey almost smiled.

'He kept joking around, you know, saying how you were his after the wedding and you'd never escape - he was joking, you know, his mouth suffering from verbal rambling disorder he was that excited. I remember Hal, Hal of all people, looking over at him and saying, "are you honestly telling me you think that girl is looking to escape?" And Pace, he just grinned the biggest smile you've ever seen and chuckled - you know that laugh of his that was somewhere between self deprecating and cocky?'

'Yeah I know it,' Joey nodded.

'He laughed like that and shook his head and he said "now everyone else will know it too." He then told Hal that you were the most beautiful girl in the world and that he knew other guys liked you, but he knew exactly how much you loved him and that made him the luckiest man alive. He said that you were special, that you were the love of his life.'

'Did I ever tell you how he proposed?' Joey said pushing back the tears that seemed to live beneath her eyelids.

'You told us all,' Gretchen frowned and took the coffee Joey handed her. 'At the a Icehouse one day, you know over lunch?'

'No, that's the fake story of how he proposed, I mean the real one.'

'Well then no. I don't think anyone knew that was the fake story.'

'We'd been talking for months about whether to have another baby and he'd always laugh about how we would talk about that but not about getting married. I always joked that getting married was far too grown up. I knew he wanted it, you know with Pace you could see it. Mr heart on his sleeve couldn't hide that sort of stuff.'

'We all knew he wanted to marry you and it was fairly obvious you wouldn't have said no.'

'Well I knew that, but you know as much as we talked about the baby, he didn't ask, even though he said maybe we should be married first. So I planned to ask him.'

'Oh that's good,' Gretchen grinned and stole a look at her nephew who was watching and listening to his mother, all pretence of drawing gone.

'Well I thought so. He was preparing for this big meeting with the staff. You know how he always got stressed out by them. He wanted to bring up the standards and revise the menu but he didn't want to offend anyone so he worked on all these notes about cleaning, food storage, food prep and a ton of notes on the new menu. He always used to say it was hard to give instructions to staff who were often older or the same age as him. I was totally sympathetic and helpful. So he took everything to work. I walked with him, he asked me to, said he'd feel better if I came with him. When we got there I said we'd come in so Oren could use the restroom. I got Pacey to take him, he pretty much volunteered and whilst he was in there I took all his notes off the clipboard and replaced them with a stack of paper I'd written on. I put his top page back on, so in the meeting he'd look at his notes and it would be written there, page after page.'

'And what did it say?' Gretchen was leaning forward as was Oren. Joey looked from one to the other and smiled.

'It said "_Pacey, I love you. Will you marry me_?" I didn't think it needed to say more than that.'

'So why didn't you tell anyone that?'

'Well because I didn't know that the whole meeting Pacey had planned was a ruse so he could ask me to marry him. All the staff were in on the secret and when I walked out of the office holding onto his clipboard I went into the restaurant and Pacey and Oren were stood there with hundreds of helium balloons in every colour they make all over the ceiling. He held out my ring in his fingers and just sort of walked over and took the clipboard out of my hands and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.'

'So technically he got there first?' Gretchen smiled.

'Well we argued about that. You know "_argued_,"' Joey winked and Gretchen smiled. 'I forgot all about the clipboard which I left on the side as we hung out talking, mostly that one over there,' Joey nodded at her son, 'we listened to music and enjoyed the emptiness of the restaurant, enjoyed just being together,' Joey smiled at the memory.

'So when did he see it?'

'Well he went to get it - he wanted to show me some ideas he'd had because he didn't want to wait to get married, he wanted to do it soon and all those notes he'd been working on were plans for the wedding. So he got the clipboard and he lifted up the top sheet and he just started laughing, really loudly and he threw the clipboard down and kissed me.'

'They wouldn't stop kissing,' Oren filled in from the table. 'Daddy wouldn't say what was so funny.'

'He just said that he figured the plan to marry the following month could probably go ahead,' Joey smiled. 'And because he knew me so well the plan was perfect. All he'd done was book city hall. We both knew that if we ever got married the reception would be at the Icehouse and he had a menu and guest list started. I never wanted ribbons and bows, just him and he knew that. And we'd already booked the honeymoon. I mean we didn't book it as one but it was fairly obvious that's what it would be.'

'So how did you decide to say Pacey proposed?' Gretchen asked.

'Well his argument was that he'd been planning for longer and he'd got the ring. I thought that was a little unfair considering guys don't wear engagement rings and I thought I'd been incredibly sneaky. We just decided to keep it between us. We liked to argue about it,' Joey smiled as she looked down.

'Oh I can imagine,' Gretchen rolled her eyes, her voice heavy with insinuation.

'How can you like an argument?' Oren asked.

'There's something called flirting,' Joey said honestly, 'when you like someone as more than friends, there's an extra edge to the argument. We would try to best each other but it would let each other know how much we loved the other.'

'That doesn't really make sense,' Oren frowned.

'It will,' Joey said.

'Would you like company on the boat today? Doug has the day off and so does Kerry? We could all come along. I understand if you want to keep it as just you guys, but if you want...'

'What do you think Oren?' she asked and her son looked at her for a a few moments.

'I think daddy would say the more the merrier. He wouldn't have minded so long as he was near you.'

'Ok then,' Joey bit back the tears and nodded. 'We'd love it.'

'I'll text the others,' Gretchen said and pulled out her phone.

* * *

**_One year later._**

Joey held onto her daughter's hands as they walked down the dock. Cleo was clumsy and more often than not it was holding her mothers hand that saved her from a fall. At two and a half Cleo was a mass of blond curls that Joey still piled on top of her head in high ponytail. Like her father she had a very relaxed personality, she was a calm girl with her mothers focus and her fathers openness. She was quieter than her father had been but she would always give you an honest answer and like her brother she was incredibly loving. Where Cleo was open Ruby held her emotions inside much like her mother before her. She didn't require the same physical closeness as her brother and sister though she was deeply emotional. She had more of the fire of her mother, but she had her fathers infinite kindness. Joey still split Ruby's dark hair into either bunches or two plaits. Today she had bunches tucked under her red sun hat which clashed wildly with her pink dress. Cleo had begged not to wear a dress and was in a pair of overalls, an old blue t-shirt of Oren's underneath. Oren was dancing ahead of them in shorts and a t-shirt, an old cap of Pacey's pulled on his head.

Joey smiled at the spring in his step. He was a different child to a year ago. She didn't think he'd ever be quite the same as he was before Pacey died, he was certainly more serious, but he laughed again and smiled more easily than he had even six months earlier. He still stayed close to her, and close to his sisters and he was quieter than he had been before, but he was still a kind person. Joey and Pacey used to talk about their son about how he'd been born nice, born caring, born with the best of the both of them in him and none of the worst, and despite his loss, Oren still seemed to be that person. He wore his brown hair short now, just a hint of a curl to it.

'Uncle Doug,' he yelled and barrelled into his uncles arms. 'Uncle Jack,' he slipped from Doug's arms and caught Jack in a hug as Cleo and Ruby broke free of Joey's hands and threw themselves at Jack and then Doug.

'Uncle Dougy,' Cleo somehow squirmed her way up to his hip whilst Ruby hung onto him by his belt.

'Don't knock him in the water girls,' Joey rolled her eyes.

'Knock him in the water Ruby,' Cleo called down to her sister.

'Cleo,' Joey warned and removed Ruby from Doug's legs and into her arms.

'Mama,' Ruby protested. 'We gonna push him in.'

'And I reminded you both this morning that if we were going on the boat you had to be good.'

'We're always good. We make you happy,' Cleo said in a positively angelic voice.

'You were being good when you ate the cake for today?' Joey gave them a serious look. They exchanged a look.

'Didn't eat it. We tried the icing,' Ruby clarified.

'There's no cake,' Oren told his two uncles.

'Well that's ok because you know your Aunty Kerry always makes cake, and Aunty Gretchen will have brought a ton of raspberries from her garden so I think we'll be good.'

'Lucy's coming?' Cleo asked and Doug shook his head.

'This is a special day for you guys and your mommy. Your mommy lets the rest of us come along,' Doug explained as Gretchen and Kerry walked towards them on either side of Anna.

'Anna,' Joey grabbed Pacey's oldest sister into a hug, Ruby moving from her hip to Anna's in one fluid movement.

'Well I missed last year and I don't like to miss out,' Anna smiled.

'I'm so glad you're here,' Joey squeezed Anna's hand.

'Good to see you sis,' Doug put Cleo on Anna's other hip as Oren hugged his three aunties. Anna hugged the two girls for a long time and then handed them off before picking Oren up.

'Not too big for cuddles?'

'You're never too big for cuddles,' Oren rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around her neck looking at her carefully. 'You have the same mouth as my daddy did,' he said after a moment and ran a finger across her lips. 'A more girly version, but the same,' he tilted his head to the side.

'Well your dad had a very nice mouth,' Anna grinned even though her eyes had filled with sudden tears.

'It's ok,' Oren pressed a hand to her cheek, 'mommy still cries all the time. I still cry.' Anna looked at Joey who flushed,

'Not all the time,' she looked down.

'You can always be honest with us Joey,' Gretchen said easily. 'It's not like it's a secret that you miss him.'

'No, it's not a secret,' Joey nodded.

'We all miss him,' Doug stepped onto the boat and helped the children on one at a time, Jack helping them into their life vests. Joey had asked Jack to come this year. She had wondered whether the others would find it rude that she only invite Doug's partner but she knew them better than that. Jack and Pacey had been closer than any of the other's partners and so she asked him. He'd been hesitant, not wanting to intrude, but he wouldn't say no, Joey knew that. True to expectation, Pacey's siblings acted like Jack should have always been there.

* * *

**_One Year Later_**

'Well I can't say I found that as easy as last year,' Gretchen said as they all headed into Joey's house, Doug and Jack carrying the sleeping twins between them.

'You're about to pop any second, I'm amazed you came at all!' Joey chuckled as Anna and Kerry started rattling around in her kitchen for food to cook for dinner.

'Mommy, I'm tired,' Oren tugged at her hand.

'We stayed late today so I'm not surprised,' Joey smiled at him. 'Are you guys ok to put the girls down? Cleo still needs a diaper but just sit Ruby on the toilet. She'll go even if she's asleep. Once they're in bed just sorta stick a toothbrush in and do what you can.'

'Sure,' Doug and Jack grinned at each other. It was no secret that they loved helping with her kids. They got plenty of opportunities so Joey was pleased they seemed to enjoy it.

'You don't mind?' she clarified and they each hoisted their respective girl a little higher onto their shoulder, gave her a look and headed up the stairs. 'If they wake and ask I'll be in to kiss them. Come on Oren, I'll come talk while you put your pjs on.'

'Thanks mom,' he took her hand.

'You find today ok?'

'I don't know,' he answered honestly. 'I remember daddy, I do, but it's a little less clear. Almost like I remember, remembering him. Does that make sense?' he looked up at her and she nodded.

'That was rather perfectly put,' Joey said.

'I remember, when he was dying. He said something about how it was ok if I forgot, if I lost my memories, that it wasn't the same as forgetting him,' Oren wriggled out of his clothes and pulled on his pyjamas, then he moved through to the bathroom with her. She cleaned his face with a flannel as he began his teeth.

'I think daddy knew that you were young, that inevitably the memories from when we're young, they change and alter and slip away.'

'It doesn't seem fair really,' Oren said around his toothbrush.

'It's not. You want to watch Dawson's film tomorrow? He sent a new copy with extra, previously unseen footage!'

'You're talking about the dad film right? Not _The Creek?_ You said I couldn't watch that yet.'

'I'm talking about the home movies of daddy yes,' she smiled.

'Well good, I'd rather watch that anyway.'

'_The Creek_ one day,' she kissed him, as she gave his teeth a once over and he spat in the sink. 'Dawson found some footage he thought he'd lost of when mommy and daddy entered a beauty pageant.'

'What's that?'

'oh it's this awful place where you're judged on how you look! how talented you are. I was in it for college money and daddy was in it, well for the money and to make a point. Boys didn't normally enter. He was brilliant.'

'Oh I can't wait,' Oren grinned at her.

'Me either. Sooner you get to bed, the sooner it's tomorrow.'

'Can I read?' he asked.

'Twenty minutes. I'll come up and check on you,' she said as she tucked him in.

'Ok,' he yawned picking up his latest Enid Blyton book.

'Daddy would be very proud of you. I hope you know that. He loved you so much. We used to talk about what a special boy you are.'

'He'd be proud of you too,' Oren said seriously.

'Thanks kiddo,' she smiled but she knew it didn't quite reach her eyes.

* * *

_**One year later**_

Joey looked around at Pacey's siblings and felt his absence keenly. Doug and Jack were sat together on her small couch, their hands entwined as they flicked through an old photo album. Gretchen sat in the armchair talking animatedly to Kerry and Anna as they told different thanksgiving stories. She wasn't really sure what got them started on thanksgiving, but there seemed to be a lot of stories involving Pacey and a turkey.

'Joey,' Doug got her attention. 'You ok?'

'I don't know,' she shrugged.

'I know you're lonely...' He began.

'I'm not just lonely, I'm lonely for Pacey,' she clarified, 'so no I won't go out on a date with your friend from work,' she rolled her eyes.

'He's a nice guy...'

'And it's my wedding anniversary. I got a really short time with the love of my life, I'm not looking for an eternity with anybody else.'

'Doug's right Jo, Pacey would want you to be happy,' Gretchen said - the others were apparently listening in.

'I'm as happy as I can be. The kids make me happy, I love spending time with them. I finally finished my novel and it seems to be doing pretty well despite ending up a little darker than I intended, but it's finished...'

'Joey we're not talking about that kind of happiness...you've done so well. Your writing is different but it's just as good, as evidenced by your following, but we're talking about sharing your life with someone...' Kerry said it softly and Joey began to feel ganged up on.

'I am sharing my life with someone, with three someone's.'

'We mean someone equal,' Anna clarified.

'You mean share my bed,' Joey narrowed her eyes.

'Yes,' Gretchen stated, 'your bed, your joys, your sadness, all of it.'

'Suppose I did,' Joey stared at them all, 'let's say I go on a date with this guy from Doug's work. Let's suppose he can accept the three little kids, let's say he even loves the three little kids, what can I give him? I'm still in love with Pacey, another guy. I still think about him all the time, I still miss him so much it hurts...I can't magic that away.'

'Even a little bit of fun,' Doug suggested. 'Something casual...' Joey scoffed.

'I've only ever slept with Pacey, I can't imagine just causally sleeping with someone else.'

'No one is asking you to sleep with anyone, not if you didn't want to but you're twenty six Joey. Go out and have fun sometimes,' Doug seemed guilty about the ambush.

'I have three little kids.'

'And lots of babysitters,' Jack said gently.

'The thing is I do go out. You all know I do because I go out with you guys. Why is it so important to everyone that I date? Why cant a person not date? Can't it be ok that I met the person I wanted to be with? Can't I have that and not have to try and find it again? I don't want to date. I don't want to fall in love ever again. Pacey, he told me I could, that he wanted me to even. But I don't want to.'

'We think you might be depressed. Not like before, your kids can't see it, but we can,' Gretchen said gently.

'Of course I'm depressed. My husband died. Pacey died. He's dead and gone and never coming back. My life was meant to be with his and he's not here, so yeah, I think you could say I'm depressed,' she took a deep breath, calmed herself, 'but I do the right things. I run, I take my meds, I talk to my therapist. It's easier than it was in some ways, but harder in others. I manage to be happy most of the time.'

'But you aren't really happy,' Kerry said quietly.

'Oh I am...I'm as happy as you can be when you've lost someone you love as much as I loved Pacey. As much as I love him still. I could push it all down, push the pain, the longing all down. I could pretend better than I do, or I could try. I don't want to. I learnt long ago that it was better to be honest even if people didn't always like that honesty. I don't think I'll ever be ready for another relationship.'

* * *

**_One and a half years later_**

Joey sat at a table by herself in the Icehouse. She wasn't really sure why she didn't just go home. The crisis that had Dan calling her in hadn't been such a crisis after all, merely a misunderstanding between staff that was relatively easily solved. But she'd called Bessie in to sit for the kids and somehow she felt like sitting in the restaurant alone with her thoughts. She was there every week but never without family members and whenever she was alone it was usually at home where she had a million and one things to do. Sat in the Icehouse she was blissfully disconnected from all that she should do and able to enjoy the continuing success of the restaurant. It was a Friday night and the place was packed.

It had been just over five years since Pacey had passed away. Five years felt like a long time and a short time all at once. She often tried to put a time span on how long they'd been together. There was the summer before senior year and senior year itself, that amounted to about a year. Then they'd pretty much got back together on his birthday after Oren was born, so slightly less than a year since they'd broken up. It was then just over four and a half years until he died, which gave them a total of five and half years together, if you combined it. If you didn't combine it he'd been dead longer than they'd been together. If you did combine it then it was still nearly that point. Of course they'd grown up together, picking on each other, but always together. Time was a difficult concept to think about for her.

'Hey,' the guy staring down at her had come out of nowhere. Seeing her blank expression he seemed less certain, 'I'm sorry I thought I knew you...' he was still squinting at her in half recognition.

'I don't think so,' she shook her head.

'I've definitely seen you around then. Maybe here?'

'That's a new way to phrase the "do you come here often" line?' she smirked, especially when he flushed.

'Well I come here often...that was what I was basing that um...assumption on...'

'Yeah I come here a lot,' she gave a little considering the guy was so wrong footed.

'It's a nice place...the food is great and the beer is better...'

'Cant say I bother with the beer,' she hid her smile.

'I've heard the wine isn't up to much...'

'Well I don't drink the wine either.'

'So you're either into spirits or tee total. Looking at you I'm gonna go with a hard spirit gal?'

'Ha ha,' she rolled her eyes.

'So you come here for the food?' he slid into the extra seat at her table and she didn't say anything merely arched her eyebrows pointedly. He simply shrugged and waited.

'Sometimes the food,' she said dismissively.

'That's vague,' he smiled at her.

'Vague's my middle name.'

'Then your folks had a strange idea of what makes a good name! If vague is your middle name, what's your first name?' he looked at her, his eyes flitting over her face, locking with her eyes. She realized she'd in some way walked into that.

'Joey,' she told him a little grudgingly.

'I'm Duke,' he stuck out his hand and she took it briefly in the semblance of a handshake, his finger lightly stroking the skin on the top of her hand.

'Duke?' she frowned slightly but the guy laughed,

'It's an awful nickname that just seems to follow me everywhere. Once anyone gets wind of it, it infiltrates and that's that.'

'Why Duke?'

'My real names Peter, but after a dodgy play in middle school, well its been Duke ever since.'

'Well it was nice to meet you Duke.'

'That sounds like our conversation is over,' he teased.

'Well you must be here with someone?' she looked over her shoulder and saw two guys chatting and laughing and looking right at them.

'Just a couple of guys from work. They'd totally understand me stopping to talk to a beautiful woman.'

'Would they,' she mused flushing slightly from his use of the word beautiful.

'Look I'm sure I know you,' his brow pursed as he tried to place her.

'Well I'm here a lot, you're here a lot...' she said lightly and he chuckled.

'Maybe...'

'And Capesides pretty small...'

'Joey,' he suddenly nodded, 'I do know you!'

'Then how come I don't know you?' she rolled her eyes.

'I work with Doug. Doug doesn't "chat" much at work, but you'd have to be deaf not to have heard him mention Joey occasionally. You guys talk a lot on the phone right?'

'Right,' she nodded.

'I thought you were a guy,' he chuckled and she smiled a small, tight smile. 'Wow, wrong thing to say. I'm sorry, I totally suffer from foot in mouth.'

'That's ok, it just happens a lot...'

'I'm sure...so how do you know Doug?'

'He's my brother in law,' she looked at him and he smiled,

'Doug's gay and he and Jack aren't married,' he frowned.

'Which would mean...'

'You're married to his brother...oh shit,' Duke looked down, 'sorry again.'

'Don't be. I could have made that easier on you.'

'Nah, I mean I should have figured. He tried to set us up once, you know? He didn't tell me your name, just talked about you and said you were perfect.'

'I'm not perfect,' she looked down.

'Not what he thinks,' Duke appraised her carefully.

'You can go back to your friends if you want,' she nodded her head in the direction of his friends but Duke gave her a look,

'Why would I do that?'

'Dead husband, three kids...' she gave him a look.

'Three kids, oh my god...' he feigned horror and then shrugged dismissively, 'I love kids. How old are they? What are they?' he arched his brows and smiled again.

'My son is nine and I have twin girls who are five.'

'You can't have a nine year old unless you were a baby when you had him!' Duke scoffed.

'Pretty much,' she reluctantly smiled, 'I was eighteen.'

'Wow,' he grinned in return, 'So are the twins identical?'

'Ummm no. They're about as different as two kids can get.'

'In what way?' he leant across the table toward her.

'Well Cleo has extremely blond curly hair, is fair skinned and blue eyed. Ruby has dark, straight hair, dark brown eyes and tanned skin.'

'You know what they say when siblings look completely different?'

'What do they say?' she'd heard it all over the last few years.

'Good gene pool,' he grinned and she found herself laughing.

'Well that's better than I must have got pregnant by two different guys. Or the whole hospital mix up theory,' she said and Duke laughed. She could immediately see why Doug had wanted to set her up with the guy. He was easy in his own skin, like Pacey had been, and charming but in a sincere way. He was good looking too, with his short black hair, spiked up, his naturally tan skin and his large, chocolate brown, almond shaped eyes.

'So how come you're sat in here, alone on a Friday night? Level with me. Did a blind date fail to show? Your friends are running late?'

'Well actually it's my restaurant, so...' she said with a casual shrug.

'You own this place?' he looked around. 'I mean I knew it was in Doug's family...'

'It was my husbands place before he died. Actually it was my family's restaurant when I was growing up but then my dads..."associates" burned it down.'

'What did your dad do?' Duke chuckled, seemingly amused.

'Drug trafficking,' she admitted and he laughed out loud.

'And your husband was the sheriffs son right? That's pretty funny.'

'I suppose,' she admitted.

'So your husband reopened the place for you? That's romantic.'

'Pacey was a romantic.'

'So you like romance?'

'I prefer wit,' she admitted.

'Let me guess, Pacey was witty?'

'He was and I'm not looking to replace him,' she gave him a pointed look and he laughed easily.

'So you're looking for an unromantic, non humorous sorta guy?' he asked with a twinkle in his eye. In return she rolled hers,

'I'm not actually looking for any kind of guy,' she shrugged.

'Don't worry, hint taken,' he didn't move though, instead Duke looked at her empty drink. 'Can I get you another?'

'Technically there's no need, I own the place. I don't exactly pay.'

'Well let me rephrase, would you like to get me another drink?' he arched an eyebrow and Joey thought about it. There was no harm in chatting to a funny guy, she knew that. It wasn't as if the guy was a total stranger either as he was friends with Doug. He also knew that she wasn't interested and he didn't seem to be bothered.

'Sure, I'll get you another drink,' she looked to Natasha who'd turned into something of a veteran waitress. Natasha was there in a second,

'Hey Joey, you want me to get you something else?'

'Sure. Could I get...another glass of water, and could you get Duke here...another beer?'

'Sure,' he smiled.

'Same again?' Natasha asked and Duke nodded. 'Absolutely,' Natasha hurried away and Duke gave her a look.

'Best menu in town - drinks and food and you go for water? I should have gone with tee total...'

'Pacey was the beer guy. You can thank Doug for whatever we serve now. As established - I don't really drink.'

'Ok, so try some of my beer...'

'I don't like beer.'

'Seriously?' he looked at her, his jaw slightly ajar. 'You realize this place is infamous for its good beer. That's a reputation your husband built up,' he shook his head.

'I thought we were infamous for good, healthy food,' she pointed out with a smile and he waved a hand around,

'Yeah, yeah, good food, of course, but the beer! Why do you think all the cops in town come in here, not to mention the fire department.'

'I didn't know cops and firefighters were beer connoisseurs.'

'Oh the biggest...'

'Not coffee and doughnuts?' she arched a brow and he laughed.

'Well of course, that too, though you guys only do the coffee. Coffee and oatmeal isn't very cop, hence we come in for the beer.'

'I honestly thought it was because your boss was part owner,' she shook her head.

'To be honest I didn't know he was,' Duke looked thoughtful, 'I mean I knew it was in the family. Anyway, even if Doug explains the cops, there's always the fire department in here.'

'My sister in law is married to a fire fighter,' Joey smirked.

'The beer,' Duke stated triumphantly pretending he hadn't heard her last statement. Joey laughed and as Natasha brought over their drinks she looked at the waitress,

'Could you bring me a beer too please?'

'Sure,' Natasha smiled winningly and returned only moments later with another beer.

'From the look on her face, you usually drink water?' Duke guessed and she nodded.

'I usually only come in on a Sunday with the kids. I meet up with Pacey's mom and dad and whoever else is free, we do dinner.'

'The legendary Sheriff Witter, The First!'

'The one and only,' Joey sipped the beer and frowned.

'You have to keep going. It's an acquired taste. Acquire the taste and you'll realize how spot on you guys have it.'

'Ok.'

'So, just thinking this through. You're what twenty seven,' he asked and she nodded as he frowned, 'Ok, so Doug's dad, Pacey's dad, he had to have been sheriff when your dad was arrested, you know if this place burned down when you were growing up. Did his dad actually arrest yours?' Duke looked at her with interest and rather than be offended she felt the urge to laugh again. She gave into it,

'Well yes. It was all a horribly complicated matter. A friend...he kind of trapped me into wearing a wire and that's what got dad locked up.'

'Do you still see him?' Duke leaned toward her.

'The friend or my dad?'

'Either, or, both?'

'The friend, yes. He lives in LA with one of my other best friends. They have a new baby. He was Pacey's best friend and my best friend. The three of us kind of grew up together.'

'Sordid love triangle?'

'Absolutely,' she nodded. 'The restaurant burning down with us inside, Pacey pulling me from it, Dawson trapping me into getting my dad locked up again, that was the start of Pacey and I. Not exactly then, but in a way the roots of it were then... '

'Not only sordid but complicated too,' he wiped at the condensation on his glass. He had nice hands, long fingers, strong looking. 'What about your dad?'

'I haven't seen him since senior year of high school.'

'Why not?'

'Oh that's far too long and complicated for new acquaintances,' she smiled. 'How did you end up in Capeside?'

'I didn't want to be in the city anymore. I came here on vacation as a kid and I looked for openings, found one and applied.'

'How long have you been here?'

'Since I was twenty four, so I guess six years now,' he leant back in his chair. He was utterly relaxed and Joey liked that. A lot of people didn't like talking about Pacey. Not his family, but friends, new people she met, they'd simply steer clear of the subject, the dead husband. But Duke didn't seem phased at all.

'Where are your family?'

'They live in New York with my sister.'

'What do they do?' she leant back as well.

'Mom is a lawyer, dad and my sister Susie are both cops.'

'Wow,' she stared at him.

'You're a bit of an academic high flier aren't you?' he narrowed his eyes at her looking amused.

'Meaning?'

'You don't think Doug didn't boasts about his sister-in-law best friend? I mean especially to me a while back! You write for the New York Times right? I mean I've probably read your stuff. And the novel, I think everybody read that.'

'Ooh that's cringe worthy,' she covered her face.

'It must be hard to find someone who didn't read it,' Duke teased.

'Did you like it?' she winced slightly.

'Hmmm,' he thought for a moment. 'It was well written and it was a great read. It was dark though.'

'Well not to start with,' she admitted, 'I mean to start with it wasn't going to be dark, then Pacey died. It was impossible not to be dark.'

'I heard it was on the high school English reading list now?'

'So Jack is fond of telling me,' she growled.

'You're not proud of it? I mean I would be very proud of it.'

'To be honest I never read it again. Once it was finished. It was to much of a cathartic process writing it to ever read it again. Well I might read it in a few years. I guess I'm proud it it, in a way.'

'You planning to write another?'

'I did. I finished it a couple of months ago.'

'And when's it coming out?'

'It's not,' she admitted.

'Why not?' He leant forward again, clearly interested.

'I decided not to send it in. It was too personal. I mean I didn't write it to be published, I wrote it for me, for the kids. I could have changed it, made it less personal, but that wasn't the point. I don't need more money. I don't need validation.'

'It's about Pacey?'

'Yes,' she nodded, 'it's a series of letters really. It sounds lame but it worked really well.'

'I've read your stuff. It's all good.'

'But you didn't like the book?' she found it amusing, and nice to have some honesty.

'No I didn't like it. I thought it was good but no. I'm not really a dark kind of guy, I like my science fiction, I like my thrillers, even historical romances but dark dramas...to real.'

'It wasn't meant to be that way.'

'And I totally get why it was,' he stared at her, his eyes roving across her face and she flushed. 'Sorry.'

'It's ok.'

'You're very beautiful,' he admitted.

'I'm tall,' she said.

'So am I. Taller than you.'

'Which is completely irrelevant,' she pointed out.

'All I brought up is the fact that you're beautiful. You brought your height into it,' he stared at her again with a smile and she realized he was flirting.

'I have to go,' she pushed her still full beer away. 'I'll tell Natasha your beer is on me. It was nice to meet you.'

'Do you really have to go or have I made you uncomfortable?' he asked and she stared at him.

'You seem like a nice guy Duke. But I'm not interested in dating...'

'We were just talking,' he attempted but he flushed slightly, 'well ok...so I wouldn't mind taking you on a date.'

'See you around,' she smiled and pulled on her coat.

* * *

'I heard you met my buddy,' Doug made it to the seat next to Joey at Sunday dinner.

'Duke, yeah,' Joey nodded.

'Who's Duke? Is he a dog?' Gretchen asked rather unhelpfully.

'He's a cop at the station. One of my deputy's. He's a nice guy and Joey made quite the impression.'

'My kids are right there,' she gestured to the other end of the table where they were playing cards with their grandparents.

'And all we're talking about is you meeting a buddy of mine. Unless it was more than a simple meeting,' Doug laid on the insinuation. Joey glared at him.

'He sat down at my table uninvited and I bought him a beer - as you keep saying he's your buddy.'

'You bought him a drink?' Gretchen widened her eyes.

'Who did Joey buy a drink?' Jack decided that the conversation somehow also concerned him.

'Duke.'

'You finally went out with Duke?' Jack bit his tongue looking positively ecstatic.

'You're dating someone?' Kerry leant across Gretchen who elbowed her sister.

'I'm not dating anyone,' Joey was getting exasperated. 'I was at the Icehouse on Friday night...'

'You went out on a Friday night with a guy, I'm sorry Joey but that's a date,' Kerry gave her a look.

'Dan called me in. I was sat alone having a drink because why not? Doug's buddy Duke recognized me and started a conversation. We had a drink that's it.'

'Well he's thoroughly smitten, so whatever you talked about you got his attention...' Doug shrugged.

'We talked about Pacey,' Joey gave him a pointed look.

'He said you were funny, charming, intriguing and beautiful,' Doug added.

'Well did he also say I wasn't interested?'

'But why? Why not go on a date with him? You might actually have fun,' Gretchen took her arm.

'I'm not ready...' she attempted.

'It's been over five years Joey,' Kerry said gently. 'Pacey would have wanted...'

'I don't want to hear what Pacey would have wanted,' she said rather more loudly than she intended, as the other end of the table looked up. 'This is about what I want.'

'You want to live out the rest of your life alone?' Gretchen asked.

'It's not about being alone or not, it's about still being in love with someone else,' Joey attempted lowering her voice.

'Isn't it possible to love more than one person at once? Didn't you used to love Pacey and Dawson?' Doug's tone matched hers.

'I was a teenager and I loved them in very different ways,' she attempted.

'It's ok to still love Pacey, but wouldn't it be nice to share your life with someone?'

'I do,' she stated stubbornly.

'Thats not what we mean,' Gretchen rolled her eyes. 'Don't put your life on hold for ever because you think moving on is in some way forgetting Pacey.'

'I could never forget him, it's not about that.'

'So what is it? Misplaced loyalty? He's gone and you have every right to be happy,' Gretchen argued.

'He didn't just leave,' Joey gaped at her, 'he died. I didn't fall out of love with him. I wasn't ready for him to go. We had plans, plans for our life together, things that can simply never happen now, not with him and not with anyone else. It isn't loyalty that stops me, I just don't want to.'

'You must miss companionship, the touch of another human,' Kerry said quietly and Joey looked at her with large, wet eyes,

'I miss Pacey's company and I miss his touch. What if the company of someone else, the touch of someone else makes me forget what it felt like to be in his arms? I can't smell him anymore. The house has lost his smell, his clothes, they just smell like clothes, but his arms around me, that's really clear. The two of us sat together on the couch, I can still remember how that felt. I don't want to lose it. The last time I held him he was dead. I have that memory as clear as day, the last feel of him in my arms but the other memories? Everyday they fade a little. As Oren puts it I feel like I'm remembering the memory rather than the actual event.'

'We're not saying marry someone, or even sleep with him, but a date. You deserve to be happy.'

'And what if I did date someone?' Joey asked softly, 'what if I was to date someone and fall in love, invite them into my life. What if they then leave me too? What about the kids?'

'Why would someone leave you? Just because Pacey...' Kerry began,

'My mom, she died. My dad, he left. Pacey, he died. Your parents and your husband...they're supposed to stick around. Maybe it's just safer this way.'

'We'll leave it Joey, but you should think about it. I'd be scared about losing those memories too. I'd be scared that I might get close to someone only to lose them too, but Pacey he made all of us promise promise to keep you living life rather than just passing through it. It's been five years Joey, six years in December, and you, you're passing through life. Ok so you're having tons of fun with your kids. You're an excellent mom, but you don't do anything for you. You don't travel, you have no hobbies and you live your whole life for the kids. We promised and he's our brother so we're going to stick to our word,' Gretchen stared at her and Joey nodded, her mouth drawn into a tight line as she fought back tears. Standing, she headed up the table and gathering her children together they left.

* * *

Joey didn't tell anyone when she met up with Duke a couple of months later. They'd bumped into each other at the beach. She'd been there with the children, Oren attempting to skim board whilst the girls built sandcastles. She hadn't seen him until he dropped onto the sand beside her. She'd turned to see who it was and been caught off guard as she took in his appearance. She hadn't remembered him being quite so good looking.

'Hey,' he grinned.

'Hi,' she had smiled back.

'You mind if I give your kid a few pointers? Before he face plants again?' he'd looked at her with a smirk.

'I think that would be good,' she'd said and then called Oren over, 'hey Oren, this is Duke. He reckons he knows something about skim boarding...' she let the implication hang in the air.

'Hey Oren,' Duke had walked to the water with her son, his arm across the boys shoulders, talking the whole way. Then he was showing Oren exactly how it was done, patiently pointing out when to jump and where to land. Oren got better at it and then he and Duke were doing some secret handshake thing and heading back to them. Duke had spent the rest of the afternoon on the beach with them and when they left he'd asked for her number. She'd passed it on and he'd given her a huge smile, before jogging off to his car.


End file.
